" Rejection ... "

Aaaaaaaaha rejection

Aaaaaaaaha possession

I spent so much energy
On the frantic rivery
I should start on my grace ...
Can't you see ther's nothing more about me
Now it's time to seek and try to find a way ...
Before you turn your back on me I wanna get my energy

~ Martin Solveig ~ Rejection ~

***

Rejection is responsible for some pretty painful memories.  And it is unavoidable when dealing with other humans.  So instead of hiding from rejection, I realized it was time to learn how to handle it.

Once again fear comes up ... the fear of rejection and why we are so afraid.  And really that nasty voice in your head is just trying to protect you from repeating the same mistake ... maybe it is rejection by the world that you experience once before or maybe it is the public shame of being turned down.  

The reason rejection is so painful is that our minds start to jump to conclusions.  So it is important to think about why you were rejected instead of taking things personally.  Just think about all the times you have rejected people ... not on purpose, assuming they’ll understand because you know it wasn’t personal ... you were busy, distracted, had a lot going on.

Really ... rejection sucks and there is no other way of saying it.  And there are those who will never suffer from rejection but they never try, they never dare, they never step out of their comfort zone ... choice pain of rejection of pain of mediocrity, pain regardless.  Plus all of us want to be “liked” but statistics show that one in ten people won’t like us regardless what we do.  

So we know we can’t really avoid rejection ... but we can decide how we handle it.  And of course, rejection is a part of ... you guessed it, growth.  It helps you develop as a person, it helps you uncover blind spots and learn more about yourself.

Personally I now anticipate rejection.  It challenges me to set a high benchmark to what I do.  It forces me to push my boundaries.  It drives me to become better and not procrastinate.  In life the are always going to be naysayers so focus on the things you can action on and empower yourself.  Because there is always a reason behind the rejection.  So when it happens again ask yourself ... what can you do about it?  what have you learned about it?  how are you going to apply what you've learned?  what are you next steps?

Affirmation: rejection is a step forward to knowing what others want, what's out there in the reality, and how to improve myself to achieve my goals ... 

" Guilty ... "

I swear to tell the truth

The whole truth and nothing but the truth

I said

Right hand high, tell a lie ...

Lets go

Right hand to the sky

Strike me down if I lie ...

Should have let me be

I'm balling against the law shorty go on arrest me then ...

Tired of your little games, I take the blame

I did it, guilty.

~ Usher ~ Guilty ~

***

We can be sure that there is nothing we can do to change the past.  Life is all about making decisions, taking risks and remembering what doesn’t work ... in our attempt to find out what does.  So why then do we continue to dwell on our mistakes, feel guilty so that we can feel guilty?

Well it seems that each generation has taken on guilt and then passed it down to their children.  Humans have used guilt for behaviour modification, punishment and revenge.  Guilt is so much a part of our culture, like a plague, causing pain, suffering and despair.  

Life doesn’t run smoothly and we don’t live in a perfect world ... combine that with not accepting reality.  We hope for a better change to how things should be, only to constantly disappointed.  Acceptance breeds understanding and not guilt.

Guilt is a foreign substance that tags along on our emotions like an infection.  And therefore doesn’t allow the natural flow to occur within us.  We feel the feeling and then it’s gone ... leaving a space for another ... but with guilt, we get stuck and hurt.  

Anger without guilt feels like power ...

Fear without guilt feels like anticipation ...

Remember a good conscience does not depend on guilt but rather on a self-assured sense of what is right and wrong.  Guilt erodes conscience by degrading self-esteem and even causing self-hatred.  Guilt makes us feel obliged to prove just how bad we are.  

Think back to a situation that makes you feel guilty and now realistically look at the situation you were in at the time, how much you knew, your circumstances, your state of health and ask if you could have done things any better ... because when you know better you do better.

And if someone is using their own insecurities to make you feel guilty, ask if they are justified ... no one is perfect so accept and work with the imperfections rather than pretending they don’t exist.

“When it is in us, it is guilt. When it is in someone else, it is blame. Guilt we feel impossible to own ourselves becomes blame when it is projected out onto another ... “

Real healing comes when guilt is confronted and removed ... releasing the judgements that confine us.  We are here to learn, trial and error, a part of growing and evolving.  Believe mistakes are feedback.

“The secret is simply to decide again ... 

take back your original judgement, 

change your mind, un-decide, un-judge ...”

Every choice we make is valid when used as a learning experience.  So when you release judgement you are free to decide again about how you will feel and act in a similar situation ... and you are free to let go of what was and look forward to what can be.

" Safe ... "

You make me feel safe 

Someday 

My darkest fears will find their way 

After all 

Somebody loves me (loves me, loves me) 

All day 

My heart tells strangers how I feel 

And it's hard not to feel this way 

When you thought your future was on prescription 

You make me feel safe 

You make me feel safe

~ George Michael ~ Safe ~

***

How do you protect yourself?  How do you live, open hearted and free, if you don’t feel safe?  Are you safe?  Can you trust your world?  These days, sneaking up inside of me, I quietly ponder these questions ...

The world is your oyster ... isn’t that the popular saying ... but what happens when a variety of pressures feel like your world is closing in.  You feel like you are grasping for air, barely above water and unsure of what is next and anxious. 

So isn’t the real question ... where is this coming from?

Well, from an early age, we often seek another to keep us safe, free from harm.  We learn to expect this from our parents and loved ones.  And as we grow older, we look to our siblings, our friends, our spouse ... and possibly beyond ... anyone?

Truthfully, as a conscious adult, there are times I want to go back to that early age and have someone else “just take care of it”.  I want no part in the responsibility of making my life, creating my life.   

Why?  ... because I don’t want to be responsible for the consequences of my decisions 

Why? ... because, it scares the hell out of me.

Yep, hide my head in the sand and hope it will all just go away ... 

Sometimes it feels easier for someone else to decide ... but then I ask myself, are you truly a creator of your life?  And even though I write a great deal about empowerment and taking responsibility of my own needs, I still struggle with this because I have no guarantee of being safe.  But then I ask myself, who really is safe?

Living your life with an open heart and open arms requires you to take risks.  Yet with that comes setting good boundaries.  Which in my past, I haven't done a good job of ... take for example how I have allowed others to come into my world that perhaps didn’t deserve to.  Resulting in disrespectful and hurtful behaviours.  Upon reflection, I can only blame myself because I allowed it to happen *sigh ... dealing with consequences of inaction?

So how do you prevent pitfalls but still take risks?  Hmmm, not sure if that is even possible in complex human experiences.  But since the world is a mirror, the real process begins with working on yourself first.  

Say what you mean and mean what you say ...  if something doesn’t feel right, speak up, because the only reason for not communicating is because of fear.  And if they don’t understand and walk away, as painful as it is, they did you a massive favour.

So my mission ...

• to create a nurturing environment in my heart by listening, paying attention, and honoring my needs 
• to believe we are always protected
• to practice compassion towards myself 
• and to create a safe and open doorway so trustworthy people can enter my life

I have realized that no matter how much I try to dart it, safety and trust in my life is my responsibility.  So I need to let it scare me if it does, try to enjoy it if I can and then live my life by it which I intend to ...

" What Happens Tomorrow ... "

You've got to believe 

it'll be alright in the end 

Fighting, because we're so close 

There are times we punish those who we need the most 

No, we can't wait for a saviour 

Only got ourselves to blame for this behaviour

And nobody knows what's gonna happen tomorrow 

~ Duran Duran ~ What Happens Tomorrow ~

***

How do you define motivation?  Is it what makes things happen?  Without it, is there any desire or drive to accomplish or create?  Once I understood what was moving me in one direction or holding me back in another, I started to understand my motivation triggers.  And started to make things happen.  For me, motivation affects everything I do and every choice I make. 

We usually can slot into one of the below motivation types ...

Achievement ... pursuing & attaining goals ... this kind can be combined with the drive to be good at something.  Achievement motivated people like work, responsibility and take pride in solving problems.  

Affiliation ... strong desire for love and acceptance ... there is a drive to relate to people on a social basis.  Having a support system is crucial.  Compliments, good attitude and cooperation are valued.

Security ... essentially a deep concern for the future.  The feeling that accumulating money and material possessions eases and shelters the pathway to the future.  Change and risk-taking is stressful.  Having steady work and dependable income is comfort.

Nuture ... need to give support, help, service and gifts to others with no strings attached.  Important factor is knowing you are lending comfort or a listening ear.  This is associated with the ability to empathize and respond to the needs of others.

Fear ... often imposed from an external source.  Creates worry and stress.  Internally, the feeling of need for change, due to pain and fear of remaining in a situation is often a catalyst for this type.

Power and Influence ... intensely driven to put in an extra effort to accomplish goals for this promise.  Competition with others is evident.  Influence, leadership, desire to control and responsibility for others are by-products of a power position.  Positively, results are achieved, negatively, power used for personal aggrandizement.

So what motivates you? Unlocking your motivation type(s) can help you understand your personal values ... what truly energies and excites you.  Once you know what these values are, then you can plan your goals around them.  If you are still unsure, study the some of the most successful people.  They understand what their values are and live their lives in accordance with them.  

You’d be surprised how many of us though, live our lives according to other people’s values. We end up devoting a large amount of time to things that genuinely don’t matter to us which results in those feelings of de-motivation & sluggishness. 

Some of my personal values are health, innovation, learning and insight, fun and adventure.  I make a concerted effort to ensure I am factoring in these values every day in some way.  I am careful not to confuse my values with ‘pleasurable activities’ ... values are not always about instant gratification – but they assist you to grow as a person in the long run.

“Never let the things that matter to you most be at the mercy of those that do not”

" True Colors ... "

"But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow"

~ Cyndi Lauper ~ True Colors ~

***

In the middle of week 45 of my Gerson Therapy and I am reflecting on what the last 10plus months have been about.  I remember having a conversation with some friends at the clinic, worried that I wouldn't make it a week on this treatment ... now eyeing my one year anniversary in March.  I remember talking to them about how was I going to put my life on "hold" ... what would my life look like ... and who would be around.  As I have said in the past, peoples true colours shine thru at times of crisis.  I wondered who would be around and who would flee, who would understand and who would give up, and who would wait and who would move on.  It is a very lonely journey, a very difficult journey and I am sure for a lot that read this ... thankful it is not them.

I was told that "the right people in your life will be there through the journey".  And I am blessed to have my husband and family with me regardless of the outcome.  So why is it so painful then when I think of those that have moved on ... maybe because I haven't yet.  Those friendships that were not what they seemed.  Leaving me blaming myself, asking why the hell I had to get this dis-ease ... is it fair to ask them to wait, to be present, to be inclusive ... true colours shining thru.

So how do you deal with friendships that have disappeared in your time of crisis ... well I have realized that my flaw is that I hang on for waaaaay too long and besides patience, forgiveness is the hardest thing to do.  I do understand that we all move on ... on our own time.  But sometimes the process takes longer than I expect - being fulling cleansed of all lingering hang-ups and scars, not just at the surface level.  The journey of conscious growth never ends.

Compounding our baggage ... sound familiar?  We all do this by our projections of people, assumptions of situations and expectations of how relationships should be.  So if you are still holding on to what could have been, it is time to release yourself.  Aha!  easier said than done right?  You see depending on how deep the emotional impact was, it might take several phases before you can really move on.  Part of the journey ... yet making progress every step along the way, an act of healing in itself.

So I begin by acknowledging, accepting and then letting go of my feelings ... the longer and more intense the relationship, the more baggage I have accumulated ... a mix of sadness, regret, hope, melancholy, shame, fear and disappointment.  Whatever the emotions, learning to open myself to the emotion fully ... taking the time to process, embrace and accept them ... not block or bottle them in because when you least expect it, it can be explosive.  You think you have moved on, but what's really happening is the issue has just become so deeply buried that it doesn't cause any immediate reaction.  

Second, I share with loved ones.  Realizing that I don't have to go thru this alone.  My family & friends are there for a reason, to help me, support me and pull me thru this period.  Their overwhelming patience makes me grateful for who they are and our friendships ... and this experience undoubtedly has strengthened us.  

Third, I practice forgiveness.  A powerful idea.  When we refuse to forgive someone, we are not really forgiving ourselves * Sigh * ... carrying the anger and bitterness is a breeding ground for sickness.  Chances are the other person doesn't even know how you are feeling towards them, so really you are the one carrying the baggage around.  Maybe on a deeper level, these feelings are towards yourself, allowing this person to hurt you.  Whenever you hold on to something, you prevent yourself from receiving new things in life.  I tell myself that when I forgive myself for putting myself thru this trauma and everything that has happened, naturally I will forgive them too.

Finally. I know that I am good enough even when something doesn't work out.  Acceptance of ME.  Everyone looks for different people in their lives.  There is no criteria on what are the right or wrong traits to embody, just different expectations.

Reflecting on this journey, from diagnosis to present day, it has truly been a very long healing process.   Still a work in progress.  Every day, I work towards finding peace in my life.  I try not to beat myself up or think I am not good enough when it comes to relationships.  Believing that all of us enter into each others lives for a reason is helping me become a better, not bitter, person.  Some days I win the battle ... and other days, well I accept where I am at and keep trying.

I started this blog with the intention to share, express and help others in their journey by sharing mine.  We all have pain and sadness from an experience, but I deeply feel there is always a way out.  It takes courage to move to a better place and connecting with like-souls, I hope we help each other from whatever we are entrenched in to gain strength in moving on from past wounds.

" Cry ... "

" Somebody shakes when the wind blows

Somebody's missing a friend, hold on

Somebody's lacking a hero

And they have not a clue

When it's all gonna end

You can change the world (I can't do it by myself)

You can touch the sky (Gonna take somebody's help)

You're the chosen one (I'm gonna need some kind of sign)

If we all cry at the same time tonight "

~ Michael Jackson ~ Cry ~

***

Somedays is it hard to stay positive, focused.  Somedays is it hard to stay strong, have faith and know your truth.  Somedays you just feel awful, question your path and just want to cry.  Yes, I have had those days ... and where do they come from, what were my triggers .... well, I have had someone tell me that my spirits are not as high as they use to be.  I have had someone tell me that I put on weight.  I have had someone tell me that I hope I finally decide to do the right thing.  I have had the realization that a close friendship of mine as changed.  Yes I have had a few of those days.  On the flip side, I have also had people tell me ... don’t be negative.  But sometimes it is just difficult.  And most of my blogs are about attitude, strength and courage.  Yet I have to realize that I am human, normal and I have the same fears and doubts that everyone else does.  And that is okay ... it is also okay to cry, and cry is exactly what I did ... 

The bright side is that there are a great deal of healing benefits of crying.  When we cry, we release negative emotions in a natural way for our bodies to cope with unwanted feelings of distress or fear.  Yet there are several other benefits to our mental and physical health.  

Crying can lower our stress levels by removing some chemicals and hormones that are built up, similar to sweating when exercising.  And the opposite can happen if we hold back tears ... we can increase our stress levels which as we know can lead to numerous other health issues.

Crying is an emotional response so when we shed tears, our endocrine system releases endorphins, or feel-good hormones, that stabilize the mood ... some may identify with “I just needed a good cry”.  When we cry, we give our bodies the ability to stabilize and become balanced again.  

“Tears are natural antibacterial and antiviral solutions that fight germs we get in our eyes.  The fluid lysozyme in tears is capable of killing up to 95% of all bacteria in a matter of minutes”.  So crying can help prevent you from getting sick.

Not all tears are the same.  Tears that are formed out of emotional distress or grief have more toxic byproducts in them than tears of irritation.  So emotional tears, made from stress, are capable of washing away wastes and toxins, therefore detoxifying our bodies.

Crying moisten our eyes and prevent dehydration of membranes surrounding our eyeballs.  We need tears as they enable us to see, they provide the lubrication we need for healthy eyesight.

Crying has calming effects such as slowing of breath.  During the cry, you may have increased heart rate and sweating, however the calming effects usually last longer afterwards ... therefore remembering the pleasant side of a “good cry”.  

So remember, it’s your party and you can cry if you want to .... as crying does open up our hearts ... providing a safe space for clarity and clearing ... giving allowance to practice forgiveness and self-forgiveness.  And an opportunity to bring our mind, body and soul back in balance.

“Don’t cry because it is over, smile because it happened “ Dr. Seuss

" Highs N Lows ... "

"I be high then I be low
I be low then I be high

I be high when I get what I couldn't before

I be low when I'm looking at a stressed face
It's like a battle knife to a gun fight
No need to worry this the story of my life ..."

~ Kid Cudi ~ Highs N Lows ~

***

Well, we are starting week 40 of the Gerson Therapy.  Yes incredible to think ... I remember talking to family and friends at week 1 wondering how we were going to do this, how we would manage.  And I am happy to report, we have and we are.  As mentioned in my prior posts, thanks to the kindness, generosity, love and support of what I like to call my earth angels.

Since my last post, I have experienced some real highs and some real lows.  Personally, I have been feeling stronger, better and more determined than ever to beat this horrid dis-ease.  I had a great healing session with my beautiful friend, Jolene of Coreporate Care, whom I mentioned in my last post.  Some great insight and affirmations.  Feeling like I am on the road to recovery and healing ... having worked really hard to get to this point, it feels good to feel this way.  And just when I was staying present in my world and my reality ... we had a dear friend of ours pass away.  Highs N Lows.

Vesna was a friend we met at the Gerson clinic in March 2011 and arrived a few days short of our 3 week stay.  She was accompanied by her husband.  The first day, we exchanged stories as to what brought us to the Tijuana.  Our commonality ... breast cancer.  There was a lot of shared frustration, anger, fear and curiosity.  Russell and I, having the majority of our visit under our belts, felt quite equipped to share our knowledge, understanding and beliefs around the therapy.  With Vesna, she was not new to a cancer diagnosis, as this being a reoccurrence, she had felt that a different option from what she had already experienced could work.  With our the severity of our diagnosis varying, our sense of desperation varied too.  I knew that look, that feeling ... I had it 2 weeks prior.  And so I tried to lend my support and encouragement around the therapy, why it works, why it is important to follow it as directed ... why we had to believe.  And we all believed, to some level, or we wouldn't have been there ... again, all of us desperately searching for the unattainable ... a sure thing, a guarantee. 

All of us at the clinic knew that in "theory" the Gerson Therapy works.  But, we also knew that we all respond differently, heal differently ... for some, our immune systems were not strong enough to endure the flare ups and healing reactions to come our way.  For others, we would continue on the therapy.  We all knew that we would do our best and also do what is takes to heal ... conventional, Gerson, or a combination of both.  Regardless of the choice of treatment, we all had the same intentions ... and provided unconditional support.

For Vesna, she left us this past weekend ... passing away peacefully.  I trust she IS at peace now.  All the frustration, anger and fear replaced with solace, harmony and love.  I trust our friend is looking down upon the rest of the Gersonators and cheering us on, believing in us ... knowing we all have our own journey to take.  

♥ Rest in Peace our beautiful friend ♥

" Creepin' In ... "

"There's a big ol' hole
goes right through the sole
Of this old shoe
And the water on the ground
Ain't got no place else its found
So it's only got one thing left to do

Just Creep on in
Creep on in
An' once it has begun
Won't stop until it's done
Sneaking in"

~ Norah Jones ~ Creepin' in ~

***

Just when you think you got it all figured out ... it creeps in ... FEAR.  Once again, I thought I had this bad boy under control ... and bingo bango, it hits you in the face.  So what triggered it this time?  Well it could have been the "personal" visit from the rehabilitation specialist representing the insurance company.  Yeah, you read that right, they wanted to "put a face to a name".  Read between the lines ... they wanted to make sure I am doing what I say I am doing.  Not checking in but checking up.  Am I paranoid, nah, am I a realist, you better believe it.  

In preparing for the visit, Russell suggested show them my enema "apparatus" ... don't worry that didn't happen!  But I offered to show her the 50 lbs of carrots, the Gerson approved juicer, the medications cupboard, shower filters, and the list goes on ... nope, not interested ... They just want to know when you can go back to work.  Cancer Scmancer.  Not that I am surprised ... but oddly that is not what triggered the fear.  

So what did then, what triggered my FEAR ... let's see ... well it could have been the vacant look when I started explaining the therapy, no wait maybe it was the pity in their eyes thinking that you are fooling yourself by "healing your body" wholistically, or was it the feeling of being scolded and told that "you know this is a serious dis-ease which require serious measures like mastectomies", hmmm or maybe it was the questioning on if I regret the treatment choice because it is SO labour intensive .... WOW, thanks for all that, now I REALLY know what I am up for. Forget that you don't really want to know that I am on week 38 working this 12/hour a day programme, 7 days a week, with no financial support, with Russell by my side every moment managing my feelings, emotions, physical pains, aches and just trying to keep an optimistic view on a dis-ease that has become the number one killer, surpassing heart dis-ease ... 

Le sigh ... just breath and this too shall pass.

... And it did, and I am better as I write this, releasing the fear, pain and sadness that comes on this journey. I was disappointed in myself, angry actually after all of this ... asking myself how could I let this get to me ... telling myself, you were doing so well ... but realizing that hey, guess what, you are human and it is OKAY because this is one more check stop, questioning my path ... but I know that no matter whatever comes our way, Russell and I will handle it, we always do ... and besides what's the worst thing that can happen?  Oh right, it already has ... cancer.  

Funny, as I was about to wrap up this blog there was a knock on the door ... UPS delivery, the book I had on order "The Biology of Belief ~ Unleashing the Power of Consciousness, Matter & Miracles" by Bruce Lipton.  A sign perhaps, or just very good timing ... either way, I'll take it.

"Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyways" 
~ John Wayne

" Heal The World ... "

"There Are Ways
To Get There
If You Care Enough
For The Living
Make A Little Space
Make A Better Place...

Heal The World
Make It A Better Place
For You And For Me"

~ Michael Jackson ~ Heal The World ~

***

Recently, I read about Dr. Bernie Siegel.  For some this name may sound familiar ... Dr. Siegel is a physician who has cared for and counseled countless terminally ill patients.  He embraces a philosophy that bridges medicine and spirituality.  And although he has a few best-selling books, I am intrigued by his book titled Accept, Retreat & Surrender: How to Heal Yourself.  Heal Yourself resonates quite nicely with me, but I was curious of the acceptance, retreat and surrender aspect.  

For me, now, I look at my illness as an opportunity.  What am I to learn from this dis-ease and where do I start.  Knowledge is power right? ... so I have been super keen to learn as much as I can.  According to 

Dr. Siegel he asks the question "What approach should you take to your illness?" and has three words of advice .. Accept ~ Retreat ~ Surrender.  He says those words might scare us if we were inexperienced, but according to him, those that have employed these tactics have won great battles.  

Acceptance ...  Dr. Siegel says we need to accept our situation if we want to be empowered to change it.  He doesn't mean we need to accept any particular outcome of a dis-ease, but need to accept that the dis-ease exists in our lives and that we are a participant.  Once we accept that the dis-ease or other misfortune has become a part of our lives, we can eliminate or alter it.  We cannot play a part in changing it and our lives if we avoid, deny or feel hopeless.  Accepting the situation does not mean accepting someone else's prediction about what will happen to you.  No one knows what your future will hold ... the best course is accepting that you have problems while denying anyone's predictions about how the situation will turn out.  My favourite saying .. "Individuals are not statics".

 

Retreat ... retreat does not mean withdraw.  According to the wise doctor "retreat means withdrawing to a quiet place where you can be aware of your thoughts and feelings. The quiet place may be anywhere; the source of true peace and quiet are inside you. In my retreat I withdraw from all the demands of life, but at the same time I am fully alive to myself and my loved ones. I do not always retreat alone. I can retreat with those who are close to me so that we can heal our forces and prepare to take on life when our retreat is over. When we return we are ready to fight for our lives".  We need this space, this withdrawal as a time to restore and heal ourselves.

Surrender ... not to the outcomes but to the events.  Dr. Siegel says we waste so much energy fighting the nature of life.  "Accept the nature of life and surrender to it".  When we do, we will have peace.  When our energy is restored, we stop fighting things we cannot control, and we start re-building our lives.  He says "Surrender is not about doing nothing; it is about doing the right things".  Surrendering allows us to continue to receive and repair, to let go of the pain, fear and worries and welcome joy, love and gratitude in our lives.  

We continue to learn and heal ourselves as our journey never ends ... above are a few thoughts to help us deal with adversity, misfortune and in extreme situations, illnesses.  I believe we can play an integral part by choosing to be a participant and not a spectator.

"Diseases can be our spiritual flat tires ... Disruptions in our lives that seem to be disasters at the time, but end by redirecting our lives in a meaningful way"

- Bernie S. Siegel 

"Friends ..."

"Keep smilin', Keep shinin'
Knowin' you can always count on me, for sure
that's what friends are for
In good times, And bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for"

~ Stevie Wonder ~ That's What Friends are For ~

***


Today I write with a heavy heart ...  a hurting heart.  Our beloved friend Paul is fighting for his life at the moment.  His beautiful wife Jacki, his angel, right by his side, feeling every single moment of this battle.  And we are on the other side of the world, wishing we could reach out across the ocean.  Russell and I are heartbroken.  We cannot even put into words the feelings we are experiencing right now.  I hesitated to write because I didn't know how to put down all my emotions through my constant tears.  Feeling helpless and profound sadness.

We met Paul and Jacki at the Gerson Clinic in Tijuana in March of this year.  It was a time when we had no clue what to expect and were quite vulnerable.  I remember the first day after the doctors consultation and settling into our room, we headed down to the main dining hall.  I had a fake smile on my face after a good cry in our room, constantly thinking what I am doing here?  As we sat down at the table Jacki and Paul walked in and there was literally this beam of light that surrounded them.  And, instantly there was an attraction and a warmth about them.  You know when you meet someone for the first time, but feel you have known them all your life????  Instant connection ♥ That night they shared their story of Paul's battle with cancer and I started to open up and share mine.  I was a newbie at all this "you have cancer" diagnosis ... I was looking for some armour, some protection, some way to deal with my diagnosis ... I couldn't even say I had cancer ...and Paul, who is battling a reoccurrence, had a lightness about him, a sense of calmness and assurance that he was going to beat this, no problem Mate!

I was in awe and that night, inspired by Paul and knew I was exactly where I was supposed to be. I thanked Him for the opportunity to be at this place at this time.

Our stay at the clinic was 3 weeks, and although we were all there for treating cancer, it was a special time for us.  A loving time.  Our days were eventful, actually enjoyable with something planned between treatments.  We had it all figured out as to when we could leave the clinic and still ensure we were on our therapy schedules.  You see, Paul has an itchy foot, just like Russell, so walking to the beach was usually on the agenda.  Hmmmm maybe something to do with being from the South Pacific??  Well, along with trips to the crazy downtown marketplace, drives down the coastline, Starbuck runs for the caregivers, jamming at the beachfront cafes, sharing funny stories at meal times, celebrating Jacki's birthday, practicing yoga, consoling each other when the range of emotions were stirred up .... and really just having moments when we needed to express ourselves ... because all fears, doubts, and frustrations were welcomed with open arms. We called it the Gerson bubble ... a safe haven for us to just BE.

Russ and I know, our experience in Tijuana would have been vastly different if we had not met our beloved Aussies.

One of the greatest blessings of being diagnosed with cancer is where this journey has taken us thus far ... we were destined to meet Jacki and Paul ~ all had to be spiritually aligned so that we would be at the clinic at the same time. And it has been an amazing blessing.  Every day I thank God for all in my life, all my blessings, family and friends and I ask for healing prayers to help my fellow friends rid this horrid disease from our bodies.  You see when we parted ways, the deal is that once we are able, Jacki and Paul will visit Canada and the boys will ski their hearts out ... in turn, we will visit the Gold Coast and there are a few pending surfing lessons by Paul.  And we know Paul is a man of his word.

So I am once again at the mercy of God.  And I know that I have been asking for a great deal these days.  And I apologize if it is too much, but I ask our Heavenly Creator to bless this time when Paul needs the strength, courage, and will to fight.  I ask Him to show love and solace to Jacki, their families and friends.  I ask Him for His Miraculous Healing to turn weakness into strength, suffering into compassion, sorrow into joy and pain into comfort.  God, I don't always understand Your ways and why our friend has to suffer, but I trust You and ask You look with mercy and grace toward Paul.  By nourishing his spirit and soul, please restore Paul to full health and remove all fear and doubt from his heart ♥