" Safe ... "

You make me feel safe 

Someday 

My darkest fears will find their way 

After all 

Somebody loves me (loves me, loves me) 

All day 

My heart tells strangers how I feel 

And it's hard not to feel this way 

When you thought your future was on prescription 

You make me feel safe 

You make me feel safe

~ George Michael ~ Safe ~

***

How do you protect yourself?  How do you live, open hearted and free, if you don’t feel safe?  Are you safe?  Can you trust your world?  These days, sneaking up inside of me, I quietly ponder these questions ...

The world is your oyster ... isn’t that the popular saying ... but what happens when a variety of pressures feel like your world is closing in.  You feel like you are grasping for air, barely above water and unsure of what is next and anxious. 

So isn’t the real question ... where is this coming from?

Well, from an early age, we often seek another to keep us safe, free from harm.  We learn to expect this from our parents and loved ones.  And as we grow older, we look to our siblings, our friends, our spouse ... and possibly beyond ... anyone?

Truthfully, as a conscious adult, there are times I want to go back to that early age and have someone else “just take care of it”.  I want no part in the responsibility of making my life, creating my life.   

Why?  ... because I don’t want to be responsible for the consequences of my decisions 

Why? ... because, it scares the hell out of me.

Yep, hide my head in the sand and hope it will all just go away ... 

Sometimes it feels easier for someone else to decide ... but then I ask myself, are you truly a creator of your life?  And even though I write a great deal about empowerment and taking responsibility of my own needs, I still struggle with this because I have no guarantee of being safe.  But then I ask myself, who really is safe?

Living your life with an open heart and open arms requires you to take risks.  Yet with that comes setting good boundaries.  Which in my past, I haven't done a good job of ... take for example how I have allowed others to come into my world that perhaps didn’t deserve to.  Resulting in disrespectful and hurtful behaviours.  Upon reflection, I can only blame myself because I allowed it to happen *sigh ... dealing with consequences of inaction?

So how do you prevent pitfalls but still take risks?  Hmmm, not sure if that is even possible in complex human experiences.  But since the world is a mirror, the real process begins with working on yourself first.  

Say what you mean and mean what you say ...  if something doesn’t feel right, speak up, because the only reason for not communicating is because of fear.  And if they don’t understand and walk away, as painful as it is, they did you a massive favour.

So my mission ...

• to create a nurturing environment in my heart by listening, paying attention, and honoring my needs 
• to believe we are always protected
• to practice compassion towards myself 
• and to create a safe and open doorway so trustworthy people can enter my life

I have realized that no matter how much I try to dart it, safety and trust in my life is my responsibility.  So I need to let it scare me if it does, try to enjoy it if I can and then live my life by it which I intend to ...

" Where Are You? ... "

Hey you

Have you felt like this before?

You got style but ain't got soul ... 

Is there no future in sight?

Oh is it different now? Is it different?

Come on

Where are you? Where are you?

I'm kicking and screaming ... 

But this could be the best day, of my life

The best day of my life

~ Our Lady Peace ~ Where Are You?

***

It’s been some time since I blogged.  Really it’s been some time since I’ve done much at all.  It’s been a rough time, but I am here.  The last 2.5 weeks or so I’ve been sick ... 

severe nausea, headaches, fever, wooziness, sleepless nights, out of sorts, and well basically not myself.  

First and foremost, Russell has been my rock, my Mom and Dad have been my foundation and my sister and bro-in-law have been my pillars.  I cannot even think of how I would have gotten through it all without any of them by my side.  And thanks to my beautiful friends Ally and Vanessa, letting me know that I am not alone, they are there for me, praying and holding me up, supporting me ... 

After a few panic attacks, not my proudest moments, test results, which came back normal, and plenty of doctors appointments and consults with my team of doctors here and in Mexico ... I am slowly getting back to before all this.  So, what is all this ... looks like a virus or bug of some sort.  And it hit me extremely hard.  The symptoms are still present but not has strong ... and what I couldn’t understand was how this could be happening?

With almost 16 months on the therapy, I’ve been extremely fortunate to have minor flare ups ... or healing reactions/crisis.  So it is scary when you are not fully aware if what you are experiencing is a major healing crisis or a disease crisis.  No thanks to dr.Google ... there is a lot of wrong information out there.  You truly have to be find out for yourself.  And that is the frightening part.

I was under the assumption that since I am building up my immune system and blogging about it ... how could I get sick?  Newsflash ... we all get sick, giving our immune system an opportunity to kick in and go to work.  Wow, this has been a time where my faith, my beliefs, and my hopes have all been tested.  Again.  And in all honestly, they continue to be.  I was hoping this would get easier, but it doesn’t.  With my anxiety and panic, on a scale of one to ten, at a 100 ... I found it so difficult to stay rational and calm.  During the time of unknown, my Dad said to me, whatever it is, face it with determination, strength and courage.  Easier said than done because many times, I seriously thought this was ...

Today has been the first day since that I wanted to blog again ... and let you know yep, still here, taking baby steps to get back to a new normal.  And during this troubling time I read something that really resonated with me that I wanted to share ...

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, 

how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, 

you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” 

♥ Haruki Murakami

" Just A Test ... "

As time goes by in this give and take

As long as I learn I will make mistakes

Now, what do I want? What do I need? 

Why do I want it? What's in it for me? 

It's the imagery of technology

Is what you get is what you see

Don't worry your mind 

When you give it your best

One two one two this is just a test

One two one two, this is just a test

~ The Beastie Boys ~ Just A Test ~

***

Just when I think I got it handled, it sneaks up on me ... fear.  What was my trigger this time?  I had to book diagnostic and lab work tests for the end of the month.  Since I have done this many times before, it seems odd that I would still have anxiety surrounding a follow-up test.  But it is present and very real.

It was somewhat settling to know that a lot of people tend to develop some kind of phobia to test for cancer or even mention the word simply because of the ‘fear’ of being diagnosed with the disease.  Been there, done that ... now, I am trying to manage my fear during my treatment.  Not an easy task.  I realize that feeling anxious is common before routine check-ups.  Sleeping problems, poor appetite, mood swings and feeling more aches and pains are common in the lead-up to the appointment.  Personally, the initial experience with the radiologist brings back bad memories.  It makes me feel vulnerable.  It makes me feel out of control.  It makes me sad.

But so much as happened since that time.  I have been on the Gerson Therapy for 57 weeks now.  And when you know better, you do better .... I haven’t been sitting around hoping it would just go away.  I haven’t been in denial.  I have been managing my illness.  So now I have to manage my wild thoughts ... realize that not every little change is linked to the dis-ease ... continue to believe that I am healing my body.  It is a process I have to give myself the allowance to go through it.  Yet honestly, sometimes I wish I could just twitch my nose and perform a spell like Samantha on Bewitched ... *sigh ... this too shall pass ...

* Every Cell in my body vibrates with energy and health * Loving myself heals my life * I nourish my mind, body and soul * My body heals quickly and easily

" Don't Panic ... "

We live in a beautiful world 

Yeah we do, Yeah we do 

We live in a beautiful world 

Oh all that I know 

There's nothing here to run from 

Cause here

Everybody here's got somebody to lean on

~ ColdPlay ~ Don’t Panic ~ 

***

Calm down, don’t panic, here, take this, it will make you feel better ... sound familiar?  The number of people suffering from panic attacks has increased exponentially.  There are various medications available for dealing with these and many choose to take them, only to suffer from damaging side effects.  What people don’t realize is that the answer for the question on how to deal with panic attacks without medication lies within themselves.  

Those of us that have experienced these types of attacks can attest to the enormous fear and worry surrounding them.  They can come on for no apparent cause, making it difficult to understand the triggers.  And we engage our built-in mechanism to sheild ourselves in any dangerous situation ... the “fight or flight” effect.  You see, when our body senses danger of any kind, it engages in survival mode.  Our stress and anxiety levels increase producing chemical changes in our body.  Our body feels it is in a high risk situation ... resulting in symptoms we call panic attacks.  

One of the simpliest natural techniques is deep breathing.  So start by shifting from the location of the panic attack to a more comfortable place.  Next, sit calmly, close your eyes and concentrate on your breathing.  As this will increase your oxygen levels to your neural organs and assist in proper blood flow ... resulting in a tranquil and composed space.  Next try to meditate to re-focus your thinking.  The purpose is to bring inner peace within ourselves and the world around us by transforming our thoughts from negative to positive.  If we don't attend to dis ease the mind, we may find dis ease of the body. 

Practicing the above will place in a better position to not allow the panic attack to take you over.  To truly understand why you panic, you must know what triggers the episodes.  Remember, the answer lies within us.  Our mind has the power to overcome any situation and put us in control ... only if we want it.