Wednesday, August 29, 2012

" With or Without You ... "

Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I'm waiting for you ...

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away ...

My hands are tied
My body bruised
she's got me with
Nothing to win
Nothing left to lose

With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you

~ U2 ~ With or Without You ~

Yesterday I was blessed to speak with a dear friend of ours.  Charlie.  Russell and I met Charlie and his wife Mary Alice at the clinic last year.  And although it was brief, we shared a great deal with each other and have remained friends ever since.  It is nice knowing I can reach out to others, whom are on the Gerson Therapy, when I really need to.  Yesterday, I was one of those days.

Our conversation was full of many topics and one of them was about fear.  I shared with Charlie the emotional roller coaster I have been experiencing for the past few months.  Mainly triggered by physical healing reactions.  We both agreed that fear has only one purpose ... to debilitate you.  As I continue to share, Charlie keenly listened and then asked me a very direct question ... “what are you afraid of?”.  I really had to think about it.  What AM I afraid of?  I proceeded to answer in a round about way but finally quietly answered ... I am afraid to die.  You see, not many people talk openly about death.  And why would they ... are we not told if we focus on something it will happen?  But the reality is that if we face our fears, maybe we can work through them.  It is not as if I am inviting the concept ... I just plainly stated my fear around it.

Later in the day, I told Russell about my conversation ... and my fear.  Through heavy tears, I told him I feared getting worse not better, I feared becoming completely physically dependent, I feared the disappointment, suffering and pain I would cause him and my family if things didn’t work out.

Calmly, Russell talked to me about my spiritual beliefs around reincarnation ... he reminded me about my strong faith, and how it has carried me through this part of my journey.  Then he asked me to stop worrying about everyone else.  He asked me to focus on what I could do, in this life, for me.  He asked me to continue to share my gifts, my best.  He asked me to continue to live this life with him and enjoy what we have been blessed with.  He gave me perspective.  Perspective I needed.

Sometimes you need a bit more help than affirmations and meditations.  When you just need the allowance to admit your feelings, instead of ignoring them.  You cannot heal what you won’t confront.  I believe earthly angels come into our lives with a purpose ... perhaps to love and guide us when we lose our way, reminding us of the goodness we posses.  

The load feels a bit lighter today, thanks to Charlie and Russell.   

Monday, August 27, 2012

" Judge Not ... "

Don't you look at me so smug
And say I'm going bad
Who are you to judge me
And the life that I live?

I know that I'm not perfect
And that I don't claim to be
So before you point your fingers
Be sure your hands are clean

Judge not
Before you judge yourself
Judge not
If you're not ready for judgement-Whoa oh oh!

~ Bob Marley ~ Judge Not ~ 

We all do it.  Every one of us.  We tell ourselves that we don’t want to and maybe we don’t really mean to.  But we do.  We judge people ... especially when someone keeps on doing the same annoying thing day after day.  We point out their faults and therefore judge.

To promise we won’t, In practice, it is easier said than done, yet if we honestly monitor our minds, we realize how difficult or even impossible it may be to judge nothing that occurs.  

So what is it about judging that makes it so hard to let go of?
Considering that to judge, drains our energy, is debilitating and makes us tired ... why do we feel compelled to pronounce our judgement and correct the errors of the world around us?  

Perhaps conflict and judgement are connected, and our conflict with authority is the source of all our judgements.  First, consider the authority figures in our lives ... boss, parents, teachers, etc ... then determine how we feel about them.  If they express an opinion that affects us and carries some weight with us, they can be considered an authority figure.  And depending on if we respect, fear, admire, resist or resent them, directly affects how much we value their opinion.

Oh and of course, we inadvertently learn from them too.  If their opinion matters, when they judge us, we judge us.  Then we issue our proclamation, and determine the true nature of reality ... 
but is reality truly up to us?  

So we continue the cycle and ultimately we judge others because we want to.  It establishes us as superior and validates our independent authority.  Just as previously done to us.  Basically, it builds up our ego by allowing us to perceive differences.  Allowing us to maintain our place as the ultimate authority.  We evaluate to justify our own autonomy and feel we must judge against all competitors.  We play the judgement game ... but how is our rule better than others? 

Instead, prior to judging, maybe we could ask ourselves  “Am I choosing not to know him?”.  Maybe we can chose to know the true worth of others instead of perceiving wrong in them.  

Isn’t it our choice of judgement that causes our perception

Realize that when you judge you are trying to be the author of reality.  Judgement imprisons you by making you into something you are not.  Striving for a peaceful existence, you can live this simply by knowing who you are ... the freedom of total acceptance just as you are, as you are in reality.

Monday, August 20, 2012

" Are You There? ... "

Are you there? ...
Need to learn to let it go
I know you'd do no harm to me ...
And it couldn't be more wrong 'cause there's no one there
Unmistakably lost and without a care ...
And it's wearing me down
And it's turning me round
And I can't find a way now
To find it out
Where are you when I need you
Are you there?

Anathema ~ Are You There? ~

Do you remember the book “Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret”.  Written in 1970 by Judy Blume, this novel was popular with young adults as they could relate to the sixth grade girl who had to confront many pre-teen female issues.  Margaret would have conversations with God.  One of my favourite books growing up.

I thought about this book recently, because of the constant conversations I have with Him.  I usually start with an introduction.  Which is odd, I know, because I am pret-ty sure He knows who I am.  And not for any other reason but the numerous times I try to connect with him ... every day.  He probably thinks, oh boy! here we go again ... seriously though, a creator knows his creation.

And my conversations have evolved.  Initially they were around “why me?” ... yet, now on month 18 of the Gerson Therapy, I ask “what is the plan?”, because I trust there is one.  

I remember in the past having a debate about God with a friend.  She couldn’t understand why I had “blind” faith.  She couldn’t understand why there is evil in the world if He exists.  Valid questions and stumbling blocks for many people.  Yet understanding He loves us and wants us to love Him back by choice ... giving US the freedom to choose.  And if we make this choice it is REAL love because it is a REAL choice.  The potential for love outweighs the existence of evil, as evil is only going to exist for a short time, but love is going to go on forever.  Perhaps all of the suffering and death that we see in the world today are the result of wrong choices made by man?

Many people are uncomfortable when is comes to talking about religion.  Perhaps it makes them feel vulnerable because they feel they can’t trust or don’t know what to believe.  I respect that we are in different places along our own spiritual journey.  Thankfully, I have the space to freely discuss spirituality ... with my family and some friends.  I feel safe.  And sometimes I share my conversations, and other times, I keep them close to my heart.

I take great solace in my conversations.  They are pure & honest.  They are REAL ... and they may not be pret-ty all the time, but they do end with great gratitude for life.  My Life.  
Thank-You God, It’s Me ...

Thursday, August 16, 2012

" Ain't No Mountain High Enough ... "

If you need me, call me. 
No matter where you are, no matter how far. 
Just call my name. I'll be there in a hurry. 
On that you can depend and never worry ...

No wind, no rain, 
Can stop me, babe 
If you wanna go 
I know, I know you must follow the sun 
Wherever it leads 
But remember 
If you should fall short of your desires 
Remember life holds for you one guarantee 
You'll always have me ...

Ain't no mountain high enough 
Ain't no valley low enough (say it again) 
Ain't no river wide enough 
To keep me from you. 

~ Ashford & Simpson ~ Ain’t No Mountain High Enough ~

B-L-I-S-S ... the last few days, Russell and I were gifted a mini-vacation in the Rocky Mountains with my parents.  They booked a vacation rental for the four of us in Canmore.  So we had to pack and plan for a three-night get away.  You know the saying “everything but the kitchen sink” ... well we may have taken that as well ... juicer, organic veggies and fruit, coffee & supplies, medications, laptop .... And it is a good thing we have an SUV ... it was fully packed!

My mom knew to book a place with a full kitchen so as soon as we got there, the juicer got set up, groceries were unpacked, and coffee was being brewed for my upcoming enema.  Although this is the norm for us, it still amazes how we just know what to do when, regardless of where we are ... and still stay right on schedule.  
Man oh man I’ve got an awesome team!

Initially I wasn’t looking forward to the “hassle” of taking my therapy on the road, but I am so glad we did.  This was the first real trip for Russell and I since coming back from the clinic last March.  And those that know us, we have always travelled every year so this was a huge treat ... and I realized that a change of scenery is EXACTLY what I needed.  

Thankfully, Canmore is about an hours drive from our home, so it is easy to make this happen.  Mountain Living ... I understand why others get tired of the busy city life and make that change ... it is simply breathtaking.  As the mighty mountains tower above us, the pristine views, the quiet, calm atmosphere and the uninterrupted green settings provide plenty of benefits to your mind, body and spirit.  

I had plenty of room to breathe ...

We talked about what it would be like to live there and if we could truly enjoy the natural therapy mountain living would bring after a stressful day ... the best of nature.  We could still grow a garden and even chop our own wood for those crazy winters we endure.  Mountain living could give us our very own natural paradise.

It would be a massive change for the two of us ... but it is not as far fetched as it may seem.  A geographic move has been on our radar for many years, even prior to my diagnosis.  We just assumed it would be to a warmer climate and near water ... and still may be, you never know.

But for now, thanks to my generous parents, we had this wonderful opportunity ... to relax, play cards, read books, eat good food, and share in each others company.

Feeling truly loved & blessed ... I embrace every morsel of this life ...

Adventure is a path. Real adventure – self-determined, self-motivated, often risky – forces you to have firsthand encounters with the world. The world the way it is, not the way you imagine it. Your body will collide with the earth and you will bear witness. In this way you will be compelled to grapple with the limitless kindness and bottomless cruelty of humankind – and perhaps realize that you yourself are capable of both. This will change you. Nothing will ever again be black-and-white ~ Mark Jenkins

Monday, August 13, 2012

" Freeze frame ... "

I could see it was a rough-cut Tuesday
Slow-motion weekdays stare me down ...
There were no defects to be found
Snapshot image froze without a sound ...

Thursday morning was a hot flash-factor
Friday night we'll dance the spotlight grind ...
Now I'm lookin' at a flashback Sunday
This freeze-frame moment can't be wrong ...

Freeze-Frame! (Freeze-Frame!) 
Freeze-Frame! (Freeze-Frame!)
Freeze-Frame! Now Freeze!

~ J. Geils Band Lyrics ~ Freeze Frame ~ 

I think professional framer’s are fortunate people.  They can transition paintings or photographs within moments using different frames and colored matts, placed around the edges.  Certain highlights or perspectives are displayed ... entire readings of it that you hadn’t noticed before ... presenting a new meaning for you.

So what if we applied this to our own life by re-framing experiences therapeutically.  A way of taking an image or thought and seeing it in a new way.  Basically, viewing your life from a different perspective.  What if we try out some new "frames" and see what it does ... will it transform in some way so that it is easier to cope with?

Think about it ... 
  • are there some thoughts, experiences or expectations you would like to take a fresh look at?
  • what areas of your life might you like to try a new frame on?
  • what kind of frame could it be?
  • which aspects of the situation, or of yourself, might you like to highlight?

Interesting how two people can undergo the same painful experience in life, but one appears inspiring to others while the other appears to continue suffering and be a victim.  Why?  well it’s not so much our past but how we see it.  With any mistake we have made in the past, many of us continually beat ourselves up for it and blame someone else.  Instead we could reflect back happy that we learned from our mistakes and things are so much better now.  Stepping back and looking at the broader view may help us recognize that there are different layers of meaning.

How we perceive our story determines the quality of our life.  The quality of our lives has less to do with the details and more to do with how we perceived those details. The meaning we assign it and the story we tell ourselves will determine how we live the rest of our lives from this day forward.

I know that there are moments in my life that are just plain hard.  I feel like I am getting nowhere and no matter what I do, I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water.  Yet if by re-framing, maybe the very fact that I’ve kept putting one foot in front of the other has its own worth and meaning.  I’ve kept on trying despite the odds.  And I’m learning what doesn’t work, so I might be getting closer to figuring out what does.

Even the smallest, seemingly plainest of frames can help. Something as straightforward as: ‘right now, this is a really tough time’ itself acknowledges the level of challenge I'm facing, as well as the possibility of transience and that this hopelessness will eventually relent. It offers some hope to keep me going.

The beauty of re-framing is you can experiment until you find the one that feels right for now ... and also decide which elements you might like to highlight in some way.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

" I'm Sensitive ... "

So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.
I was thinking that it might do some good
If we robbed the cynics and took all their food
That way what they believe will have taken place
And we'll give it to anybody who has some faith
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way

~ Jewel ~ I’m Sensitive ~

There is a great deal of talk about having issues with Gluten.  After recent discussion with family and friends, I realized that I needed to understand what it is and why so many are intolerant or sensitive to it.

Did you know that gluten comes from a composite formed from different proteins?  
Within gluten, there are actually four main proteins: albumins, glutelins, globulins, and prolamins.  Glutelins and prolamins are found in higher concentrations in wheat, while albumins and globulins are more plentiful in corn and rice.  

When most of us think of gluten, we think bread ... as mentioned, wheat and also barley and rye.  Baked goods enjoy gluten because of the texture and chewiness it provides.  But did you know that gluten is also used as a thickener, binder, flavor enhancer and protein supplement?  This leads to the following foods that contain gluten ... and some may surprise you:
  • cereal grains such as durum, spelt, einkorn, farro, graham, kamut and semolina
  • soups, broths, gravies and sauces such as ketchup, salad dressings and marinades if used as a thickener
  • bouillon, spice blends, coffees, dairy products, vinegars and liquors if used as flavor enhancers
  • imitation meats or wheat meats such as seitan in vegan and vegetarian diets

So why is it estimated that up to 15% of North Americans are intolerant or sensitive?  This is a term that is used to describe three conditions: wheat allergy, non-celiac gluten sensitivity, or celiac dis-ease.  As the body starts to produce an abnormal immune response in the presence of wheat or its proteins, some of the following symptoms have been reported: 
  • Significant unexplained change in body weight
  • Nutritional deficiencies due to mal-absorbtion e.g. low iron levels
  • Gastro-intestinal problems (bloating, pain, gas, constipation, diarrhea)
  • Fat in the stools (due to poor digestion)
  • Aching joints
  • Depression
  • Eczema
  • Head aches
  • Exhaustion
  • Cramps, tingling and numbness
Many people are unaware of what this all means, as every individual with some level of gluten intolerance or allergy may experience different shades of these symptoms.  But always consult with your medical practitioner if you think you may be sensitive to glutenSelf diagnosis is not recommended as it can be just as dangerous to your health.  Better tests are now available for raised levels of certain auto-antibodies in our blood.  These antibodies are produced when the body sense a dangerous intruder allergen, like gluten.  If the results indicate an allergy to gluten, the doctor may perform a small intestine biopsy. This will reveal the damage to the villi in the small intestine.  Note: it is important to eat an ordinary diet including gluten, before being tested.  

Just another reason to understand what is in your food ... read labels carefully.  
A great place to start is to know what you are sticking in your mouth first.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

" Angel ... "

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

~ Sarah McLachlan ~ Angel ~

When I was younger my friends use to laugh at me when I talked about angels.  I would tell them that we all have a guardian angel, and some of us had more than one if we were fortunate.  My friends use to humour me and ask me if I could see them, or if they were communicate with me.  I would play along, a bit embarrassed as to being the only one at that time who really believed in them.  Secretly I felt connected to them.  I still do to this day.

As foreign as it may sound to some, Angel Therapy is readily practiced.  Angel Therapy is based on the view that communicating with angels is the key to healing.  Therapists believe that to help heal their patients, we can get in touch with the angel who guides the patient in the right direction.

This type of therapy intends to bring you back to your spiritual path in a way that is non-threatening and non-judgemental.  And not to be confused with replacing your chosen faith, this is a non-denominational spiritual healing method that involves working with a person’s guardian angels and archangels, to heal and harmonize every aspect of life ... and helps you to more clearly receive Divine Guidance from the Creator and angels.

You may or may not believe ... but there are probably many events that cannot be explained, or people that have come into your life for a purpose, only to leave without a trace.  Perhaps it is a coincidence, or just is, but I believe we can feel their angelic presence enfolding, guiding and helping bring comfort, healing and wisdom to us even when we are not aware.

Personally, it has brought me comfort, knowing that the angels are always there, offering their protection and bringing in the love and joy that surrounds us.  The sessions I have experienced have empowered me to be able to manifest what I truly want.

Monday, August 6, 2012

" Knowing ... "

Preachers at the church knowing, we still get by ...
Well here's a formal introduction
Something to make you ponder
Well everybody play dumb, but there's some that succumb
And fall victim, I will overcome any hurdle or obstacle that's in my path ...
Your stomach is balled in a knot, you got that phat purse ...
Destroyed by the need to indulge and enjoy the finer things in life right? ...

Even though things started falling apart ...
Every action has a positive and equal reaction
Therefore everything that goes around comes around in that fashion
You thought you was slick the way you hit me for that lick
But you slipped now I'm getting in your ...

~ Outkast ~ Knowing ~

I know that lately my blogs have had perhaps not a happy-go-lucky tone.  I apologize as my intentions are never to be a drag ... my blog is an outlet, a place were I choose to be vulnerable and truly express what is going on inside.  And I came to a big realization tonight.  I have been looking for a guarantee if you will.  I want reassurance and confirmation.  And the reality is that what I am looking for, I will never find.  

As Russell and I eat our dinner on our front porch tonight, I acknowledged how truly grateful I was for the moment.  He is my sounding board and always provides space for me to express myself.  Tonight I shared with him how I am struggling with the fear of the unknown ... how I need to shift into curiosity instead because I know it is a far more enjoyable place to be ... flashback to the other night ... Mary Poppins singing Anything is Possible ...

Probably the most interesting part that i want to share here right now is after a great deal of pondering, I can now conclude that there is no way we can predict our future only by looking our condition that we're in at the moment.  Sorry, perhaps not too insightful for those that already get it ... for the rest of us, it just takes a wee bit of time, you know, another aha! moment.

There is no guarantee in life.  All we can do and need to do is just “do the best in what we are in right now”.  We are on a journey of life, an unstable moment where everything is on the process to be shaped.  Things can and do change instantly ... 

And for those that know me, know that my faith has become so strong.  Maybe this is what happens when you diagnosed with cancer, you feel the need to be closer to God.  Whatever your spirituality, I recommend you look to Him to guide you to exactly what you need right now ...  and work to believe that He will.  

I ask Him to give me a vision to keep hope alive.  I know He has my back.  

People say life is short ... I say it is unpredictable and a risk.  As soon as we are born, we are at risk for well pretty much everything.  So instead of fearing as to what is going to happen next, I am really trying to just enjoy it.  Because no matter how much you think you are prepared for the future ... you never truly are.  You don’t know what curve ball is coming .. but here is the thing, they are ALWAYS coming, because that is what life is all about.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

" Carry You ... "

Lay down your burden I will carry you
I will carry you my child, my child
Lay down your burden I will carry you
I will carry you my child, my child
Cause I can walk on water...
Calm a restless sea
I've done a thousand things you've never done
And I'm really watching
While you struggle on your way
Call on my name, Ill come
~ Amy Grant ~ Carry You ~
Yesterday was an interesting day ... my parents are a 10 minute walk away and I decided to venture towards their direction in the afternoon as my mood was anxious, panicked and all around blah.  I guess I needed some parental TLC.  So as soon as I reached their home, I burst into tears.  
Ridiculous, yes, embarrassing, of course, necessary, absolutely.  
At 43 years of age, I guess I still needed my parents to tell me it’s all going to be okay.  My parents were in the middle of sorting out things for their big dinner party that night, so I am sure I didn’t really add much.  Yet, they still made time, heard my fears and put me to ease as much as they could.  I curled up on their bed and just let myself be taken are of.
My restlessness doesn’t help either and lately, my headaches are back, intermittently, and they always freak me out.  So all in all, I haven’t been a barrel of laughs to be around.  But I still carry on.  I hate the dark thoughts that occupy my mind at times.  I hate the feeling of not being safe.  I hate the feeling of wondering what’s the next bad thing that’s going to happen ... 
But I have been so lucky to have people to carry me on.  As mentioned many times before, Russell has been amazing.  He takes care of me and doesn’t complain.  Yet I know that he needs a break too ... and he won’t participate in my pity parties, he gives us space, so so wise.  And I have realized that I need to reach outside of the two of us and ask for support and help when I need it.  I guess that is what I did yesterday.  
I’ve been around my parents my whole life.  We have always lived in Calgary and in very close proximity.  I always felt that I needed to be close to them, to take care of them, to be there for them ... and I realize that I need them to take care of me too.  Especially now.  My parents brought us to Canada with very little and sacrificed a great deal for my sister and I, to have a good life, perhaps a better life than in India.  We owe a great deal to them.  We were provided for in every way including great education ... that is why it pains me to stress them with my problems.  I feel guilty pressuring them, I worry about their health as they worry about mine.  I guess a part of me feels I let them down and disappointed them once I was diagnosed.  I mean do they really need to deal with this?  Yet if you cannot share with your loved ones, who are you going to share with?  Believe me, like most families, we have quirks, but my parents presence brings me solace ... they are present, available and ready to deal with whatever comes our way.  
Remember I said the day was interesting?  Well it ended with my close friend inviting me to see the Mary Poppins production.  All I can say is it was super fun.  It brought me back to my youth as I had forgotten the story line.  Depending on what brought you to the show, there are always messages ... the main song Anything Can Happen was uplifting ... and of course who can forgot supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

I realized the whole day allowed me to feel like a child again ... happy, safe and carefree ... and regardless of what is to come, I know that there is an abundance of love and support around me.  I know I am never alone and that is something I can carry on within me.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

" Hold On ... "

Hold on 
Hold on to yourself 
For this is gonna hurt like hell. 
Hold on 
Hold on to yourself. 
You know that only time can tell 
What is it in me that refuses to believe 
This isn't easier than the real thing ...
Am I in heaven here or 
Am I at the crossroads I am standing ...
That you'll be strong tomorrow 
And will see another day 
And we will praise it 
And love the light that brings a smile 
Across your face. 
~ Sarah McLachlan ~ Hold On ~ 
Well it’s been quite a ride ... a roller coaster ride that is.  Starting month 18 on the Gerson Therapy, I’ve been reflecting a great deal ... reflecting how this entire journey began.  Finding my dreaded lump, only to discover there was more than one.  Next came the chaos, and oh there was much of that ... inner chaos really.  On the outside, I may have been cool as a cucumber but on the inside all hell had broken loose.  And believe me, there are still days like that.  I wonder if they ever go away, regardless of an ailment, do we all experience this in some way?
Many feelings come up too, and not all positive.  There are dark feelings ... fear, anger, loneliness, hurt ... and resentment.  Aha, probably the biggest one of them all.
Perhaps one of the most destructive emotions that we are capable of feeling is resentment.  You know the famous quote “Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” From the moment I first heard that significant little statement, I laid claim to it as my own.
Whether valid or not, resentments case us to dwell on the betrayal we believe we have been subjected to.  Whether it was a hurtful gesture, or we believe that someone didn’t do what they should have, our reaction manifests like a cancer within.  Resentment takes over ... rent free in our head.  And if you are anything like me, prone to emotional eating, resentment creates the perfect storm for compulsive or unhealthy eating.  Hence my years and years of struggle with bulimia.
Refusing to forgive is a choice that keeps resentments alive.

We become self-righteous and our anger takes precedence over our desire for peace and serenity.  Hmmm ... don’t we ALL just want peace in our life?  Then how can we CHOSE to keep resentment alive?  Our need to be right becomes a stronghold, which negatively impacts us mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.
And I’ll admit, I am still working on letting go of the resentment in my life.  Just when I think I’m good, I get “triggered” and then take three steps back after taking two steps forward.  I know I am not alone so here are some tools I use to help me move through it ...
  • I ask if I am using resentment to recreate drama and what is my payoff for doing this?
  • I realize that I cannot control others and outcomes and those that have rejected me
  • I recognize that my resentments give me only illusions of strength and true strength and power is in forgiveness
  • I acknowledge my part in allowing the abuse and manipulation to occur and forgive myself for that
  • I practice forgiveness for what I can 
  • I practice deliberate forgetfulness when I can’t
  • I understand that that present day resentments are not to be confused with unresolved past resentments
  • I ask our higher power to release me from the bondage of resentment and guide me to a path toward letting go
  • I decide I am worth the freedom from destruction caused by harbored resentments and vow to take my serenity back
We all know people who are resentful their whole life.  They become bitter and the present passes them by.  Resentment is not only toxic it is intoxicating.  Hmmm, maybe we hold on to resentment because it gives us some control over the past?  Ironically, when we forgive, we have some say over what role those past events play in our present.
I have been told that our minds are like a magnifying glass.  Whatever you focus on will expand.  So I ask myself ... do I want to focus on resentment, or forgiveness?  And which one, do I believe, will ultimately make me feel and live better?