goes right through the sole
Of this old shoe
And the water on the ground
Ain't got no place else its found
So it's only got one thing left to do
Just Creep on in
Creep on in
An' once it has begun
Won't stop until it's done
~ Norah Jones ~ Creepin' in ~
Just when you think you got it all figured out ... it creeps in ... FEAR. Once again, I thought I had this bad boy under control ... and bingo bango, it hits you in the face. So what triggered it this time? Well it could have been the "personal" visit from the rehabilitation specialist representing the insurance company. Yeah, you read that right, they wanted to "put a face to a name". Read between the lines ... they wanted to make sure I am doing what I say I am doing. Not checking in but checking up. Am I paranoid, nah, am I a realist, you better believe it.
In preparing for the visit, Russell suggested show them my enema "apparatus" ... don't worry that didn't happen! But I offered to show her the 50 lbs of carrots, the Gerson approved juicer, the medications cupboard, shower filters, and the list goes on ... nope, not interested ... They just want to know when you can go back to work. Cancer Scmancer. Not that I am surprised ... but oddly that is not what triggered the fear.
So what did then, what triggered my FEAR ... let's see ... well it could have been the vacant look when I started explaining the therapy, no wait maybe it was the pity in their eyes thinking that you are fooling yourself by "healing your body" wholistically, or was it the feeling of being scolded and told that "you know this is a serious dis-ease which require serious measures like mastectomies", hmmm or maybe it was the questioning on if I regret the treatment choice because it is SO labour intensive .... WOW, thanks for all that, now I REALLY know what I am up for. Forget that you don't really want to know that I am on week 38 working this 12/hour a day programme, 7 days a week, with no financial support, with Russell by my side every moment managing my feelings, emotions, physical pains, aches and just trying to keep an optimistic view on a dis-ease that has become the number one killer, surpassing heart dis-ease ...
Le sigh ... just breath and this too shall pass.
... And it did, and I am better as I write this, releasing the fear, pain and sadness that comes on this journey. I was disappointed in myself, angry actually after all of this ... asking myself how could I let this get to me ... telling myself, you were doing so well ... but realizing that hey, guess what, you are human and it is OKAY because this is one more check stop, questioning my path ... but I know that no matter whatever comes our way, Russell and I will handle it, we always do ... and besides what's the worst thing that can happen? Oh right, it already has ... cancer.
Funny, as I was about to wrap up this blog there was a knock on the door ... UPS delivery, the book I had on order "The Biology of Belief ~ Unleashing the Power of Consciousness, Matter & Miracles" by Bruce Lipton. A sign perhaps, or just very good timing ... either way, I'll take it.
"Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyways"
~ John Wayne