Friday, October 16, 2015

" Overwhelmed ... "


How I would describe the last few months. I guess really just overwhelmed with ... life.  Getting complacent. But thinking I was really listening and having the ability to control.  And so I experience the discomfort and suffering that is now present.

This time has been the toughest in 5 years.  Life was going well and I felt I would live despite the cancer. I’ve been trusting in situations that required discernment.  I realize I don’t have that ability.  I needed to apply my own inner wisdom at times rather than following others advice. But I didn’t.  I feel like I was on a magic carpet ride but now there is no carpet.  So presently, with only moments to rest, recuperate and recover, it is all coming up to the surface.  They are difficult to confront and let go.  At times bringing on so much emotional pain to the point of nausea. Yet the only way I can start over is to forgive myself.  My natural instinct is to blame myself, beat myself up, begin to forgive and then let go.  But that is exhausting and I don’t have the time to carry such a burden for so long.

Dark thoughts linger often and easily shift my thinking.  At times feeling like I am facing mortality directly in front of me, I try to maneuver, manage and cope.  Using all the tools and techniques, mantras, gems and affirmations, just praying for a moment of peace.  They do come and once they leave, I try to recreate the feeling.  But it doesn’t work that way.  I realize my magical thinking started at a very young age.  Trusting, giving, sharing and trying to live with an open heart, with no discernment. 

I was fortunate to be given what I wanted when I was a child.  And if I didn’t get it, I manipulated the situation in my favor.  Perhaps we all can relate.  But this habit didn’t leave.  As I started to grow, I gravitated towards friends who would support that, even if it did more harm than good to myself and those I love.  And if the support wasn’t there, abandoning the situation, because it wasn’t me, it was them. I thought I worked through this.  Instead I put myself out of balance by not trusting myself.  And maybe I still gravitated towards what I want to hear rather what could is possible.  

I also realized that I was trying to detach enough, so I would minimize the suffering that may come upon my demise.  Another way to control the situation, but wanting lose relationships because they are a part of me.  Who I am today.  

So perhaps all the recent occurrences would be the only way I would gain realizations and insights ... and even begin to understand discernment.  For some it may look like words on a page in an unknown blog, with no substance to back it up.  

I am focusing on forgiving myself which is just the beginning ...