" Angry ... "

So scream you, out from behind the bitter ache

Heavy on the memory, you need most

Still want love, ugly, smooth and delicate

Not without affection, not alone

And instead of wishing that it would get better

Man you're seeing that you just get angrier

And it's good that I'm not angry

I just need to get over

I'm not angry, anymore

~ Matchbox 20 ~ Angry ~

***

Is it okay to feel angry?  Yes, because anger is a useful emotion.  It gives us feedback that something has happened ... our boundaries have been crossed or we have been violated in some way.  When we feel anger, we are more likely to do something about it .... the trick is to step back from the anger and make a rational decision about what you are going to do.  Yeah, easier said than done right?

You see, when we are in a state of emotional arousal, we don’t necessarily make the best decisions.  Our reasoning conscious mind can let our subconscious mind take control ... and our fight/flight response kicks in.  Why?  Because our brains treat any threats in the same manner ... we feel rage or fear, regardless of the situation.

Anger is a craving or grasping of beliefs around ourselves.  It is a normal emotion that all human beings feel, like sorrow and happiness.  Think about it ... from a young age, we feel anger ... like a newborn turning red and crying with a little twisted face or a two year old throws a temper tantrum.  It is obvious that they are experiencing intense anger and that they have not yet learned to manage their anger.  Sadly, many adults have never learned to manage their anger either.  They may not behave in quite the same manner as the two year old, but still harmful to self.

So is it better to express or suppress these emotions?  Studies have shown that people who are shy and non-assertive, have a greater prevalence of tumours than other personality types ... because shyness is associated with suppressing of emotions, particularly negative ones, like anger, resentment and bitterness.  Holding onto these emotions can literally eat away at you.  Now that doesn’t mean that every shy person will develop cancer, but it is definitely something to consider. 

My opinion?  Express yourself ... constructively.  Because life is energy in play and the more free flowing the energy is the more vibrant you feel.  Pockets of energy which are suppressed, or “held”, within you become sources of resistance to the free flow of your life expression.  They tend to lose their power over you and their ability to cause harm.

Realization: Forgiving is not about ‘giving’ something to the person who has wronged you.  It is about ‘giving’ yourself the permission to release the burden of carrying those emotions.

Learning to channel your feelings into words or actions that are not hurtful, positive and healthy will unburden you .... because managing anger destructively is actually allowing your anger to manage you. 

" Protect Yourself ... "

I protect my imagination while I'm looking at my self

I don't follow the signs to the outskirts of my life

I protect my imagination behind those giant doors of steel

I'll drive to my visions on a Mainstreet of this life

Don't dream your life, live your own dream

'Cause that what you want, is what you feel

Do what you want, live up your life

it takes little time but you'll be surprised

Just take a chance, see what you get

feelings they don't know, which you ever had

~ Warchild ~ Protect Yourself ~

***

When we open our minds, we can be curious instead of judgemental.  When we open our hearts, we can be compassionate instead of cynical.  When we open our will, we can relax into the unknown instead of being fearful.  Yet, when we try to live our lives in this manner, we may not be prepared when others use our ability to feel and emotionally manipulate us.  I know this sounds a bit off but the reality is this happens, to all of us, and it is important to recognize it and learn to protect yourself.

The wonderful thing is that as human beings we are wired to feel empathy ... when someone displays an emotional reaction, our instincts are to incorporate the emotional reaction in forming opinions and decisions.  This seems natural.  Yet, we have all come into contact with someone who pays attention to our emotional reactions and uses it for manipulation.  

Emotional manipulation ... it is when someone uses their emotional react to control or dominate.  

This doesn’t mean you need to view everyone as emotional manipulators.  Just learn to recognize that some people have such an inflated concept of their own importance that they have no issues to do what it takes.   

It is important to recognize these emotional manipulators ... if someone is turning everything around on you, pretending to help, blatantly lying to you, taking you on a guilt trip, telling you that you’ll be worse off without them, always blaming others and draining all your positive energy.  Chalk it up to emotional immaturity ... either way, you do need to protect yourself.

How?  Protect yourself by confronting the other person who has ignored your initial feelings.  Protect yourself by not giving into unfair criticisms.  Protect yourself by journalling or blogging to validate yourself.  Protect yourself by not allowing someone to make you feel sorry for something which you should not feel sorry about.  

Massive life lesson here for me ... my feelings matter and it is not up to someone to validate them, it is up to me.

I continue to live my live with an open heart ... something I had to learn to do by trusting myself ... knowing what is right for me, standing by my truth, with no intention to hurt myself or others around me.  But I will admit there is one condition ... I have learned to protect myself without losing faith in humanity, by practicing kindness and compassion in hopes it will be reciprocated.

" Deep ... "

On the edge

Of a know-nothin' town

Feelin' quite superior

The aged come

To the sky above

He just ain't nothin'

But he's got a great view...

Can't touch the bottom

In too deep

~ Pearl Jam ~ Deep ~

***

Have you ever been told you are “too sensitive”?  Have you ever heard someone equate your feelings to an ocean of emotions?  I have ... many times, along with “you take things too personally are are too emotional”.  And even though I use to think of it as a flaw, now I know it is an advantage. 

Deep feelings, straddled between the area of conscious and subconscious.  Think of them as emotional residue coming up at any time and affecting you, your thoughts, your judgement, and your relationships.  Often we are unaware how our emotional residue impacts our thoughts, decisions and behaviours.   

You see many of our poor reactions to situations, circumstances and communications stem from the deep areas within us that we are not necessarily consciously aware of.  And it is the emotions down deep that we don’t see ... that hinder us the most and effect how we treat others.

In my past, I had the tendency to think that things were not going to get better because I had memories, associated feelings and thoughts that said things are just not going to work out.  I would feel as if what was happening is just more of the same old ways, and that would give me the same old outcomes as they always had.  My past memories contributed to my feelings of defeat and doubt before anything had happened ... because I didn’t see the bubble ... those old feelings that came up in the midst of my opportunity.  

Prepared to deal with it, I started to uncover the underlying deep feelings of hurt.  For a long time, it was buried down deep and I wanted to leave it there.  Yet similar to a bubble that comes up to the surface of the water, I needed to recognize and understand the source of the feeling before I let it burst. 

Now I use my "advantageous flaw" and look at where those feelings come from, why those feelings are still there, and then how I can let them go.  I recognize they come from some area of disappointment where something didn’t work out the way I had hoped for.  For me, I now realize that no matter how screwed over I feel, life is not a broken record playing the same outcome every time ... it’s only my feelings and associated thoughts that are playing that repeated outcome.   

True healing comes at the source or root of the pain.  And for me, I am willing to open up to my personal constraints with humility.  Deep feelings of hurt are within us, whether you see them or not ... yet how they are affecting you is for you and your honest self to deal.

" True Colors ... "

"But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow"

~ Cyndi Lauper ~ True Colors ~

***

In the middle of week 45 of my Gerson Therapy and I am reflecting on what the last 10plus months have been about.  I remember having a conversation with some friends at the clinic, worried that I wouldn't make it a week on this treatment ... now eyeing my one year anniversary in March.  I remember talking to them about how was I going to put my life on "hold" ... what would my life look like ... and who would be around.  As I have said in the past, peoples true colours shine thru at times of crisis.  I wondered who would be around and who would flee, who would understand and who would give up, and who would wait and who would move on.  It is a very lonely journey, a very difficult journey and I am sure for a lot that read this ... thankful it is not them.

I was told that "the right people in your life will be there through the journey".  And I am blessed to have my husband and family with me regardless of the outcome.  So why is it so painful then when I think of those that have moved on ... maybe because I haven't yet.  Those friendships that were not what they seemed.  Leaving me blaming myself, asking why the hell I had to get this dis-ease ... is it fair to ask them to wait, to be present, to be inclusive ... true colours shining thru.

So how do you deal with friendships that have disappeared in your time of crisis ... well I have realized that my flaw is that I hang on for waaaaay too long and besides patience, forgiveness is the hardest thing to do.  I do understand that we all move on ... on our own time.  But sometimes the process takes longer than I expect - being fulling cleansed of all lingering hang-ups and scars, not just at the surface level.  The journey of conscious growth never ends.

Compounding our baggage ... sound familiar?  We all do this by our projections of people, assumptions of situations and expectations of how relationships should be.  So if you are still holding on to what could have been, it is time to release yourself.  Aha!  easier said than done right?  You see depending on how deep the emotional impact was, it might take several phases before you can really move on.  Part of the journey ... yet making progress every step along the way, an act of healing in itself.

So I begin by acknowledging, accepting and then letting go of my feelings ... the longer and more intense the relationship, the more baggage I have accumulated ... a mix of sadness, regret, hope, melancholy, shame, fear and disappointment.  Whatever the emotions, learning to open myself to the emotion fully ... taking the time to process, embrace and accept them ... not block or bottle them in because when you least expect it, it can be explosive.  You think you have moved on, but what's really happening is the issue has just become so deeply buried that it doesn't cause any immediate reaction.  

Second, I share with loved ones.  Realizing that I don't have to go thru this alone.  My family & friends are there for a reason, to help me, support me and pull me thru this period.  Their overwhelming patience makes me grateful for who they are and our friendships ... and this experience undoubtedly has strengthened us.  

Third, I practice forgiveness.  A powerful idea.  When we refuse to forgive someone, we are not really forgiving ourselves * Sigh * ... carrying the anger and bitterness is a breeding ground for sickness.  Chances are the other person doesn't even know how you are feeling towards them, so really you are the one carrying the baggage around.  Maybe on a deeper level, these feelings are towards yourself, allowing this person to hurt you.  Whenever you hold on to something, you prevent yourself from receiving new things in life.  I tell myself that when I forgive myself for putting myself thru this trauma and everything that has happened, naturally I will forgive them too.

Finally. I know that I am good enough even when something doesn't work out.  Acceptance of ME.  Everyone looks for different people in their lives.  There is no criteria on what are the right or wrong traits to embody, just different expectations.

Reflecting on this journey, from diagnosis to present day, it has truly been a very long healing process.   Still a work in progress.  Every day, I work towards finding peace in my life.  I try not to beat myself up or think I am not good enough when it comes to relationships.  Believing that all of us enter into each others lives for a reason is helping me become a better, not bitter, person.  Some days I win the battle ... and other days, well I accept where I am at and keep trying.

I started this blog with the intention to share, express and help others in their journey by sharing mine.  We all have pain and sadness from an experience, but I deeply feel there is always a way out.  It takes courage to move to a better place and connecting with like-souls, I hope we help each other from whatever we are entrenched in to gain strength in moving on from past wounds.

"It Takes Two ..."

"It takes two to make a thing go right

It takes two to make it outta sight
Hit it!

My name is Rob, I gotta real funky concept
Listen up, 'cause I'm gonna keep you in step
I got an idea, That I wanna share
You don't like it? So what, I don't care ..."

~ Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock ~ It Takes Two ~

***

It's saturday morning here and I am feeling so good.  It must be because of yesterday.  You see our band, REWAVE, auditioned yesterday for Canada's Got Talent in Edmonton, Alberta.  We were pretty excited to get a pre-registered time for 1PM on Friday after hearing the crazy wait times for the walk-in talents.  Interesting how it all played out though.  Another friend of ours told us about her son's experience on a couple of days earlier, basically waiting close to 4 hours to audition.  Mainly because you may have a pre-registered time of 1PM, BUT so does another 300 to 400 people.  And you get 90 secs of your BEST to wow the judges.  Plus we had to drive 3 hours to the venue ... you can imagine the planning that went into this.

So Russell and I were up early, I doubled up my green juices and my coffee treatments, packed all my carrot and carrot apple juices, meds, potatoes, and soup and upon arrival at home later that night, would double up on my green juices and coffee treatments again.  A bit of re-arranging, and not recommended, but for one day, and a chance to audition for a $100,000 with my bandmates, it was worth it.  We picked up Joelle and started our journey.  The ride up was full of great conversation, vocal exercises and naps (for moi!).  Once we got there, there was a cattle like maze we had to enter with our pink CGT wrist bands brightly displayed.  And as destiny would have it, Russell met a fellow New Zealander named "Louman but you can call him KIWI".  Super nice guy, full of conversations and stories and another supporter of the All Blacks rugby team.  We stood outside in line for less than an hour and then made our way into the ballroom where yet another lineup for registration awaiting.  

Engaging with other talents around us, it was so easy to spot out the "what sells TV" people.  And yes, we were some of them ... WE were in full costume gear, with color, glo fur, sparkle and bling to attract a few photos and whispers in the crowd.  Plus the big east indian Dhool drum Russell was carrying was sure to get people going.  You see REWAVE is a synth-pop, Diva, old school hip hop band ... but we had to audition acoustically because they had nothing available to us but a powerbar.  And this was all disclosed to us the night before ... being professionals, you improvise .... and you guessed it ... that didn't stop us as once we got to the actual audition room, we did "It Takes Two" acoustically, and it was just awesome!  Our energy was raw, organic and electric, and our little audience was moving and bobbin their heads to the groove.  MissJ layed down the smooth rap vocals, Russell played a tribal rhythm that grooved your soul and I supported the whoo /yeah's background sounds and beat.  Afterwards the producer was excited and eager to view our DVD showcase of our synth-pop performances.  

Our feelings were electric, we were re-charged and basking in the moment we had just created.  We had another 3 hour drive home, but it didn't matter, because it was a chance to move to the next level of stardom.  And if we don't move to the next round of auditions, it doesn't matter, because truly it was an unforgettable experience, once in a lifetime to share with family and friends.  Hit it!

"Royal Flush ..."

"Got a royal flush...
Just another crush
I got my head read in the shed once again, my friend
Inside, outside, upside, downside,
See my face, wanna take me home ..."
~ Stereophonics ~ Royal Flush ~ 
***


Well this morning was a doozy.  I mean one of the first days since on the Gerson Therapy were I felt like I was truly sick.  As most of you know, I have written about my lovely (insert sarcasm here) castor oil experiences - every other morning I wake up to orally take 2 oz of castor oil with strong coffee and a small amount of sugar ... well this morning was one of those mornings but I also had an opportunity to experience the "Niacin Flush".  First let me explain what Niacin is and why we take it ...


Niacin, also known as nicotinic acid or vitamin B3 ~ one of the water soluble B-complex vitamins.    During the initial phase of the therapy, normal dosages for cancer patients is six 50 mg tablets daily, this dosage differs for advance cancer cases.  The Gerson Therapy uses Niacin to improve blood circulation, elevate skin temperature, increase oxygenation, promote cellular nutrition and produce an overall detoxification effect.  So, when the blood vessels are dilated they create a sensation of warmth ~ i.e. Niacin Flush.  This is often accompanied by blushing of the skin and this "flush" or sensation of heat indicates a temporary saturation of Niacin.  You can experience redness of the cheeks, ears, neck, forearms and perhaps elsewhere.  Although this is harmless, it is extremely uncomfortable.

So just for a moment, visualize this ... frequent uncomfortable trips to the loo, looking beat red like a tomato and truly feeling this is the death of me ... yes too funny, NOW, hours after I experienced it.  I really didn't know what to do with myself, so I went outside, barefoot and stood in the yard, admiring our starter raised beds and tried to ignore the fact that I was so uncomfortable in my skin.  Thankfully, it soon passed.  I had an opportunity to visit with a good friend this afternoon (thanks Ally) who knew exactly what I was talking about ... she had experienced the Niacin Flush too!!

It made me think about how many of you out there have had the pleasure to be crawling in your own skin.  For me, I have had that feeling triggered emotionally ~ deep feelings that are poked to the surface when an unexpected event happens, provoked by someone out of the blue ...but never in a physical sense as described above, well, maybe during my engineering days when peer pressure forced us to drink too much awful draft beer, but I digress!

Yet the benefits of Niacin outweigh the discomfort, so bring on the flush ... who knows, maybe it can be mistaken for getting a bit of "extra" sun in the summer and give those self-tanners a run for their money!