" Wandering ... "

On the eve of another birthday, my mind is wandering.  Wandering, wandering ... I never really thought I would get to the age of 46 ... not because I am a pessimist but because of being cancer-ed.  

Ah yes, for those who have had a similar experience, you don’t really forget.  All the memories of ‘that’ day, being diagnosed, can come rushing back at any moment, triggered by anything remotely to do with the dis-ease.  But rather than choosing this to be viewed as a weakness and being a ‘victim’ to the thought, I am opening to the insights offered.  

My most vivid ‘memory’, the one that did the most damage was my prognosis ... 5 years at best.  I have this attachment because I speak to it, still to this day.  And I write about it, as here present in these words.  Load on the intense programming, patterning and hypnosis of how, what, where, when and why an ill-ness is an ill-ness.  The triggers are present because my mind has been so deluded to the idea of being cancered.  

And so here we are ... on the eve of another birthday and 4.5 years being cancer-ed.  My mantra ... so far so good ... probably because it is a bit of a safety net, a precaution or a disclaimer.  With no claim to being “cured” because, I am not.  

So why back to the wandering mind ... well with an assigned dis-ease, you really are not sure what you will get.  AND cue insight ... that’s what life is all about.  Not really sure what what you will end up with right?  Whether it be an ill-ness you manage, a relationship you tolerate, a burden you carry, or a void within your heart ... pretty much anything can be your demise IF you allow it.  An ill-ness or dis-ease just has intense assumptions that go along with it.

In those moments of weakness, when I say aloud, I don’t know how much more of this I can take, I hear within, count your blessings, they will multiply.  But how?  Begin with breath.  Our sacred connection to the Divine.  And that is where my gratitude begins.  And so tomorrow at first light, I hope to graciously take my first breath, arms and heart wide open ... birth of a new day.

Blessings xx

MC

" Charity Case ... "

Give, give, give it away now ...

I don't know what matters to you at this moment

But that's all that matters to me

How are you? (How are you?)

Knock on wood ...

Oh can't you see, oh can't you see

If I help somebody, baby there's mercy for me 

Ahhh charity! 

Charity!! You better give it to somebody

~ Gnarls Barkley ~ Charity Case ~

***

With the recent ALS Ice Bucket Challenge fad, you can’t seem to get away from someone throwing a bucket somewhere.  Thanks to the ALS Association, who had their first press release on August 13 about the phenomenon, by August 24, $70.2 million dollars has been raised, amazing.  So it seems that this fad has outlasted all expectations.  I imagine the celebrity endorsements doesn’t hurt.  And even if you think it is silly or dangerous, or both, and you don’t want to pour ice water all over yourself, you can still donate to ALS.

Just a simple question ... how will the money be spent? 

(ALS association ... no comment, yet)

With that in mind, I will not be participating in the challenge and those that know me, know why.  As my friend Marcia said, “I am more than happy to write a check, which is what I am doing, to individuals, or families of individuals, but also continuing to help people understand it isn't the amount of years that matter, it's what we do in those years that matter.”

With my own personal health journey, I have not benefited from ANY Cancer foundation and nor will I.  Why?  Because my treatment of choice is not the “approved” protocol.  Bottom line:  unless you follow the standard, approved protocol, regardless of lethal side effects, your treatment will not be approved ... therefore NO MONEY avail ... gulp!!  PLUS: I have volunteered for a specific cancer foundation in the past and from what I’ve learned, I cannot, in good faith, donate.  Sadly, I am suspicious of most large charitable foundations who are not transparent ...

So where does that all leave all the millions of people we see, including family and friends who are participating?  With a good sense of charity.  This marketing scheme is brilliant considering the number of cases every year that are diagnosed ... in comparison to heart disease, cancer, MS.

It is in us to give ... and when we give, we get so much more in return.  So many may not care about the money that is raised, or the celebrity that is soaked, or the way the challenge is done.  They may only care about raising awareness.  Awareness to a dis-ease that has either effected them, or someone they love.  And for that, I humbly applaud them ... all while staying warm, dry and fully aware of the challenge any one of us may face, any day.

www.walkstrong.ca

" Fly Like An Eagle ... "

Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin' 

Into the future 

Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin' 

Into the future 

I want to fly like an eagle 

To the sea 

Fly like an eagle 

Let my spirit carry me 

I want to fly like an eagle 

Till I'm free 

Fly through the revolution 

Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin' 

Into the future 

Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin' 

Into the future 

~ Steve Miller ~ Fly Like An Eagle ~

***

Here we are ... Month 19 of the Gerson Therapy.  Sounds unreal doesn’t it?  Yeah, to me as well ... looking back, I vividly remember my first day at the Clinica Nutricion Y Vida in Tijuana.  It is a day in my life, a pivotal moment, I am forever grateful for and will never forget ...

Those who continue to ask “are still doing that thing” ... yes I am.  I have another 5 months to go till I reach the two year mark and then, we reassess.  In the meantime, I will continue to have my lab work monitored.  So far so good ... and if I am truly honest, I am tired and bored of my therapy schedule.  I cannot wait for the variety of healthy foods I will be able to add ... I cannot wait for the flexibility of time I will be able to experience.  Yes I tell myself, this too shall come, be patient, as you are on the home stretch (I believe you Jolene!!).

As well, this is a time of a great deal of unknowns for me as I don’t know what my career will look like going forward.  Mainly because life is different since pre-diagnosis.  I want so much more out of my life, I want to travel, I want to make a profound difference regarding humanity ... and I am trying to find my purpose.  

In the past 19 months I continue to discover that ... 

• letting go of self-interest opens the door to recognizing your true self
• knowing who you are inside ... your true values, secret desires, imagination, your capacity for love, empathy, generosity ... all relate to and inform your life purpose
• using my mental and creative energies to serve something larger than myself will help me find my life purpose
• and learning from my choices and way of life can give me important feedback about the path I’ve been on, in relation to my deeper life purpose
  

So, instead of fine tuning or tweaking what I’ve been doing in my work, maybe looking at what it tells me about my longings and inner vision that I might be trying to express through my outer life?

Being open to the feedback my actions have provided during this leg of my journey is a good start.  There are times when I felt a pull towards some purpose, activity or goal.  It is what reflects my inner self ... I just need the courage to pursue it fully and with great intent.

 Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. 

There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe that your critics are right. 

To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage 

♥ Ralph Waldo Emerson

" How Long ... "

Every time I see you and I look into your eyes 

There's a feeling that I get 

And it's way down deep inside, girl 

I've been trying to hold on, but you say that you're not sure 

I just hope you realize what my heart is going through 

How long, must this feeling go on 

How long, must I stand the pain and 

How long, must this feeling go on 

Waiting for the night 

Waiting for the right time to come 

~ Lionel Ritchie ~ How Long ~

***

Recently I was asked the question “how long are going to do this thing?” ... and I wasn’t sure how to answer as this “thing”, being the Gerson therapy, is really as long as it takes.  This is my plan going forward, pending unforeseen circumstances, and I will continue until I am in permanent remission.  Their response  .... silence and confusion.

Yet, I am wise enough to not take it personally because I know that it was coming from a place of love and compassion.  I guess I was just a bit surprised by the words used to ask the question.  And really this isn’t the first time I have heard this.  Yet usually it is via someone else ... asked to my family.  I even heard of someone saying that I took he wrong steps and this is just taking too long.

So how long is too long when dealing with cancer?  Of course the sooner the cure the better, as that is something all streams of medicine agree on.  Yet the reality is that once you have been diagnosed, you live with it for the rest of your life.  Even after being “cleared”, the fear of recurrences can live with you.  

So back to this “thing” ... as mentioned before the Gerson Therapy is a minimum of 18 months, with most staying on the programme for close to 2 years.  And if you have had prior conventional intervention, it may be longer.  There are many reasons why it takes “so long” and I would direct anyone interested to the the Gerson Institute’s website for information.  

I was happy to know that once officially off the therapy, life resumes back to normal, but it is a new type of normal.  What I mean is that the strict schedule (freshly pressed juices every hour) is modified to a few juices in the day ... the coffee enemas are recommended to once a day ... food restrictions are lifted for the most part with the choice to introduce seafood, etc.  Yet going back to eating the way you use to can surely bring you back to current health issues.  It is highly recommended to eat organic, non-processed, real food.  Using the 90/10 rule ... eat healthy 90% of the time ...

Some may argue, well is this really living?  Definitely an individual decision to make ~ maybe another question to ask is what is really living? ..... of course, the challenge is to live your life fearlessly, regardless of what the future will hold.  Oh and yes it has been pointed out to me how many people die while on alternative treatments ... but if we are being completely transparent, the mortality rate for those pursuing conventional treatment is just as depressing.  

How you manage your health is up to you, it is your right, it is your life ... my heart intention is to fully live my present life, regardless of approval of my “thing” I choose to help me do so ...

Take care of your body. It’s the only place you have to live  

~ Jim Rohn

" Just A Test ... "

As time goes by in this give and take

As long as I learn I will make mistakes

Now, what do I want? What do I need? 

Why do I want it? What's in it for me? 

It's the imagery of technology

Is what you get is what you see

Don't worry your mind 

When you give it your best

One two one two this is just a test

One two one two, this is just a test

~ The Beastie Boys ~ Just A Test ~

***

Just when I think I got it handled, it sneaks up on me ... fear.  What was my trigger this time?  I had to book diagnostic and lab work tests for the end of the month.  Since I have done this many times before, it seems odd that I would still have anxiety surrounding a follow-up test.  But it is present and very real.

It was somewhat settling to know that a lot of people tend to develop some kind of phobia to test for cancer or even mention the word simply because of the ‘fear’ of being diagnosed with the disease.  Been there, done that ... now, I am trying to manage my fear during my treatment.  Not an easy task.  I realize that feeling anxious is common before routine check-ups.  Sleeping problems, poor appetite, mood swings and feeling more aches and pains are common in the lead-up to the appointment.  Personally, the initial experience with the radiologist brings back bad memories.  It makes me feel vulnerable.  It makes me feel out of control.  It makes me sad.

But so much as happened since that time.  I have been on the Gerson Therapy for 57 weeks now.  And when you know better, you do better .... I haven’t been sitting around hoping it would just go away.  I haven’t been in denial.  I have been managing my illness.  So now I have to manage my wild thoughts ... realize that not every little change is linked to the dis-ease ... continue to believe that I am healing my body.  It is a process I have to give myself the allowance to go through it.  Yet honestly, sometimes I wish I could just twitch my nose and perform a spell like Samantha on Bewitched ... *sigh ... this too shall pass ...

* Every Cell in my body vibrates with energy and health * Loving myself heals my life * I nourish my mind, body and soul * My body heals quickly and easily

" Willing and Able..."

Said I'm willin' and I'm able 

I'm ready 2 place my cards on the table  

I been holdin' back this feeling 4 far 2 long 

And now that I'm willin'  It's a fact ?

it's truly mighty strong ...

Oh Lord, I'm willin', willin', able (Willin', able) 

I wanna dance and sing, somebody watch me do my thing...

~ Prince ~ Willing and Able ~

***

The other day I was having a conversation with an individual from the oil and gas industry, where I have spent the majority of my working career.  I found myself telling them that I have been on “dis-ability” for the last year ... immediately they responded with “I am sorry to hear this”, for which I replied “oh no that’s okay”.  

As solemn as they were, I was the opposite.  My upbeat, positive expression stemmed from all the that I have gained from my illness experience.  Good things always come out of bad.  Along with the valuable lessons I have shared, my cancer diagnosis is an “ability” or “this-ability” and not a “dis-ability”.  

Cancer has given me the ability to re-address what matters in my life.  It has shown me my husbands true unconditional love.  It has given me the opportunity to improve my relationship with my family.  It has helped me appreciate life and the beauty around me.  It has allowed me to learn and grow as an individual.  It has helped me face my fears.  It has allowed me to find acceptance, courage and strength I didn’t know I had.  It has given me new confidence.  It has helped me further build character.  It has made me grateful for every day.  It has increased my faith in a Higher Power.  It has given me the ability to enjoy a break from working.  It has given me the push I need to do the things I had been putting off.  It has made me not waste time.  It has allowed me to see things with more clarity for what they really are.  It has aligned me with the right people in my life ... blessings.

We are all one day closer to dying, yet the difference is that someone in their great wisdom has given me an expiry date.  So it begs to differ, is better to know when and how or is ignorance bliss?  If you knew your expiry date and more importantly believed it, would you do things differently?  Would you be willing and able?

Prior to my diagnosis, I was reluctantly living my life, easily accepting defeat, and believing that I was unable to be whom I wanted to be.  Looking back, that was when I was living a real “dis-abled” life. Now more than ever, I am ready, willing and able.

“Dis-ease is solely and purely corrective; it is neither vindictive nor cruel, but it is the means adopted by our own souls to point out to us our faults, to prevent our making greater errors, to hinder us from doing more harm, and to bring us back to the path of Truth and Light from which we should never have strayed.” 

~ Edward Bach, creator of Bach Flower remedies

" One Year Of Love ... "

Just surrender to your love,

Just one year of love,

Is better that a lifetime alone,

One sentimental moment in your arms,

Is like a shooting star right through my heart,

It's always a rainy day without you,

I'm a prisoner of love inside you -

I'm falling apart all around you - yeah.

And all I can do is surrender ...

~ Queen ~ One Year Of Love ~

***

March 7, 2011, exactly one year since I started the full Gerson Therapy.  I know wild eh?  Three words capture it perfectly ... what a journey!  In the beginning, it seemed unattainable as I didn’t know if we would make one week let alone one year.  But I had to shift and start focusing on enjoying the journey instead of “getting off the therapy”.  I had to completely embrace my new life and the opportunity presented to me for self-discovery and growth.

My new life ... taking me in a totally different direction from where I was heading.  But to step into this path I had to stop mourning the loss of my old life.  I had to let go and surrender.  I began by cleansing each and every aspect of my life on all health levels ... emotionally, physically and spiritually.  

And upon reflection, my former life was really full of one challenge after another, as I constantly felt like I wasn’t good enough or strong enough ... basically not deserving of the success I was achieving.  I was tired of beating myself up all day, every day, and I had to make myself a priority.

Cherrie Moraga quoted “Sometimes a breakdown can be the beginning of a kind of breakthrough, a way of living in advance through a trauma that prepares you for a future of radical transformation”.  Yes, I can relate ... definitely a radical transformation.  And during this time, I have received an abundance of blessings.  As tough as this journey is, the possibilities are endless.  I have been given another chance to decide exactly how the rest of my life will unfold.

And for those that are curious about the tumours, my last consult went extremely well.  My Gerson and local doctors were over the moon with my results.  My body is healing thanks to it’s alkaline state.  Honestly speaking, we really didn’t know if Gerson would “work” in the beginning ... yet as the hours turned to days, and the days turned to months, and now one year ... all the hard work has paid off.

So as I shine my light onward to the next 8 to 12 months of therapy, my intentions are to continue to heal my body, mind and soul ... my LIFE for the rest of my life.  And although I can’t say that I have loved every moment of the last year, with every high and low has come valuable lessons.  Lessons that I know I wouldn’t have experienced if it wasn’t for my cancer diagnosis ... experiencing real healthy food, yoga, meditation, sunshine, walks, time with precious family and friends, gardening, music, writing, fun books, good movies, concerts, theater and life ... for as long as I’m blessed to have it.  

At the very least, I’ve learned about what matters ... "finding courage, keeping hope and losing fear".

Peace and Carrots ॐ 

M

"Here I Go Again ..."

"Though I keep searching for an answer
I never seem to find what I'm looking for
Oh Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on
'Cause I know what it meansTo walk along the lonely street of dreams
Here I go again on my own
Going down the only road I've ever known
Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone
And I've made up my mind
I ain't wasting no more time"

~ Whitesnake ~ Here I Go Again

***

Well we are off, on week 32, working the programme, the therapy with no deviation.  Yep it is second nature now, knowing when to juice, when to enema, when to medicate, when to get the soup on, when to bake the potatoes, when to get the groceries and more importantly ... when to rest.  When I share with friends how long it has been they are surprised ... it has been a wild wild ride indeed.  And the latest and greatest ... well, I had another round of tests and all is looking really well.  My family doctor is very happy, encouraged and relieved to be honest.  She has been an amazing support in this whole journey getting all my paperwork and requisitions sorted.  I thank God for her often.  The reports are off to the Gerson doctors today and I anticipate they will be as happy as they were last time around.  And although I knew in my heart that I am doing well & I am healing ... a little voice in me said "what if" again.  Dang those little voices?!  But my dear friend Jolene said to me that these little pangs of doubt are just check-stops, nothing more nothing less.  I still hate sitting and waiting for test results.  But don't we all?  Whether it be a pop quiz in school, a final exam in uni, or a medical diagnosis.  I just don't get use to it ... 

I have to say the love, support, encouragement and confidence around me, from the practitioners I have been working with to my family and friends have helped me on my chosen healing path.  A path that is unfamiliar for some and discredited in most circles.  Initially a path that I was anxious of as well.  But knowing that 8 months later, things are looking up and heading in the right direction.  Hallelujah!!!

The questions I ask myself now is what does life look like from here on out?  I have done what I wanted, achieved what I set out to do thus far.  Now, it is so exciting to think ... what now and how wonderful can it be?  I am more motivated than I have been in such a long time.  The feeling is indescribable ... but as one of my natural practitioners said to me ...

 When we live our life instead of preventing death, our Healing begins

 .... ahhhhh what a brilliant thought!

So as I sit on my couch wrapping up this quick blog post, knowing in the back of my mind I have to prep the soup and potatoes for lunch, life feels good, so good.  I commit to changing those negative thoughts, those tough little voices and I know I am exactly where I am suppose to be ... and loving it ...

"Soar ..."

"Now in life there's gonna be times 
When you're feeling low
And in your mind insecurity seems to take control
We start to look outside ourselves
For acceptance and approval
We keep forgetting that the one thing we should know is
Don't be scared
To fly alone
Find a path that is your own
Love will open every door"

~ Christina Aguilera ~ Soar ~

***

Finding a path that is my own was not difficult for me, staying on my path, well ... that is another story.   After diagnosis, my treatment of choice was and currently is the Gerson Therapy.  And I have written many blogs related to the therapy, the day to day schedule, and other happenings involved with it.  Yet what I am finding are the struggles I have encompass the path itself ... 

Besides the differing thoughts, comments, statements, looks and judgement on choosing an "alternative" cancer treatment, even within all natural treatments, this exists.  I have been researching websites, journals and books related to many different ways to treat serious illnesses like cancer.  And what I am finding is that there seems to be something else that you "could" do to help you heal.  Just one more thing, another add on.  Some of the patients on Gerson supplement the therapy with vitamin C in IV form, infrared saunas, blood ozone therapy, homeopath medications and the list goes on.  You start to question whether what you are doing is enough, is the therapy taking effect in your body, and could you do more.  I realized that I was started to feel overwhelmed because I let my mind take over.  I stopped listening to my body ... as I remember blogging about body talk ~ how our bodies are ALWAYS talking to us, telling us how it feels.  I was so consumed with what was potentially lacking in my treatment instead of focusing on how every body reacts uniquely and heals in its own way.  Where one treatment will work for you, it may not work for another.  You may no benefit to a what seems to be a complimentary treatment, whereas someone else may have a significant shift happen.  And in some cases, you may have a negative side effect, a flare up or a healing reaction and another following the same therapy, may have little to no change.  

Therefore trying to figure out what works and what does, or finding the "perfect" treatment for everyone is simply a waste of energy.  What we need to find is what resonates with us, our bodies and our soul ... and having no judgement on the choice we make ... Gerson resonates with me, my body loves the food it receives, it knows what to do with it, and although I am fighting to rid the cancer in my body, knock on wood, I feel good and healthier than I have in a very long time.  And yes, diagnostic tests are scheduled at the end of the month to see how the tumours are responding.  What I do know is that in the last week or so there has been a major shift in my healing.  I have had some major assistance from a dear friend to assist in this process.  I feel my body now knows that it is time for the cancer to leave and it is dying.  What I feel is the tumours are shrinking and ... the full Gerson Therapy as prescribed by Dr. Max Gerson 70 years ago is working.  

So I dare to be different and therefore .... life my life in my own way.  Following my heart rather than the crowd gives me much more of a chance to find happiness and fulfillment.  Yes, this takes courage.  And yes, we ALL have this courage.  It can be really scary to be different, not being accepted by those around you and to stand out rather than blend in.  But the truth is ... we are ALL different and therefore there is NO ONE treatment or pill that FITS ALL ... especially when it comes to cancer.  By the virtue of being alive, we are unique and special ... and a beautiful reminder that this is the miracle of being human.  

Just for today, I'm going to pretend that I believe that I am enough. 

Tomorrow, I am pretty sure I will believe it. I did yesterday ♥

"Regret ..."

"You may think that I'm out of hand
That I'm naive, I'll understand
On this occasion, it's not true
Look at me, I'm not you ...
Just wait till tomorrow
I guess that's what they all say
Just before they fall apart ..."
~ New Order ~ Regret ~
***


Well not sure how to blog about this subject, and I thank you in advance if this turns out to be a rant... subject: Regrets.  I guess what triggered it for me was recent comments from a friend.  These comments have been a bit of a theme from this friend, and it started to really affect me.  I have been told that I need to give a "signal" or the "go-ahead" for others to get in contact with me.  That they really do care and love me, but don't know what to say ... or may say the wrong thing ... or they are worried how I will react ... or they think I am mad at them (yes, I actually had someone facebook message me and ask me that question) ... or they really want to but ....hmmmmmm.


Well, to be honest, I am a little confused.  I guess because I have been so open, honest and vulnerable when it comes to my diagnosis.  If you are aware of this blog, or have been reading it, you would know this.  I have blogged about pretty much everything, from the day of diagnosis to daily and weekly events, side effects, nutritional restrictions, doctor appointment updates, emotional turmoil, physical symptoms, etc ... hmmmmm, okay, so maybe that is assuming that this blog is being read.  Fair enough, but it is automatically uploaded to facebook and twitter ... hmmmm, okay, so maybe your not on either of those social media sites.  Regardless, I have been processing and trying to sort through what this is all about, because I can tell you, it really is not about ME, its about them.  Haha, yes the old saying, but this time in reverse, its not ME its YOU.  


So what do I mean, well, I am a very empathetic person.  Anyone that knows me, knows this.  And sometimes to my detriment.  In the past, I have had a difficult time setting up boundaries, taking on others problems and sinking deeper and deeper into a bad place.  With friends going through break-ups, separations, losing a child, losing a parent, losing a job, financially in ruins ... being there for them, and not necessarily knowing what to say, but just the assurance that they can count on me, really count on me.  In return, especially in the last 5 months, we have had friends visit from all over the world, calling and emailing and skyping, we have had our local friends bring carrots and food, we have had our friend's children make pictures for us, we have had countless words of kindness, love and support, we have had flowers and cards and plants ... basically showing us that they are really there for us.  Not thinking about what not to say, or how to say it but just doing.  And really does it take a blog or a social media outlet to connect with someone ... what about the simple task of asking?

And the odd thing is, I started to feel bad, or guilty that I wasn't making it easy for others to connect with me, that I maybe didn't give the right signal, maybe I was unapproachable??  Wow.... yeah, then I came to my senses and realized that I needed to stop and really think about what was going on in my life.  Uh ... a little busy here trying to beat cancer?  That is my focus, healing ME.  So the rest is just ... well it is what it is.  And truly and honestly for those that are unsure I hope that you don't have any regrets.  You know it is never too late to connect ... that is IF you really want to.  The word "should" is a pet peeve of mine now ... it implies that you have already done something wrong.  You know the "you should do this and you should do that" ... perhaps instead the word could would replace nicely.

So what is Regret ... the definition states to be disappointed, feel sorry about something or distressed; wishing something to be different than it is.  Well, I am trying to learn from this current rant and understand my regrets from the past ... thinking that maybe not to regret anything, because at one time, that was what I wanted.

Going forward, no opportunities missed, no regrets, no boundaries, no fear. 

And really if I think about it ... if I fill my heart with regrets from yesterday and worries of tomorrow, I have no today to be thankful for.