" Too Intense ... "

Butterflies in the sky

I feel just like that

Thirty five thousand feet

I feel just like that

I can't catch my breath

It's too intense, tense

I need just a minute

Give me just a minute

It's out of control

This is out of control

Got me thinkin' 'bout the future

I feel just like that

Wanna trust, lose control

I feel just like that ...

~ Vivian Green ~ Too Intense ~

***

Today I had a wonderful opportunity to get caught up with one of my Gerson buddies, C.  We met two years ago and instantly I felt a connection, a bond.  And not just because we both are managing our conditions, but because we are on the same page.

Today, we compared notes on the physical side effects of our cancers ... yada yada, the aches, pains and fears ... but then we got to the interesting part ... our spirits.  And it was what C said to me today that left me in awe.  He said that regardless of the outcome, it’s been a great ride.  He was thankful for the opportunity to learn with such great intensity, as it wouldn’t have happened if he was not dealing with cancer.  How cool is that eh?  A wonderful way to look at an undeniable adverse situation.  

Now I often write about looking at the “bright side” despite the odds, but I too have been struggling with keeping my chin up.  You see, just when you think you are working through it, you hear about another friend’s progression of cancer.  That was this week, too intense.  And you can’t help to wonder if this is the inevitable path you will take.  It is overwhelming and honestly it just plain SUCKS.  

So venturing down the path that life isn’t fair, you get a tada! ... a silver lining.  C was my silver lining today.  A conversation containing a message that I needed.  He spoke with such conviction as to his belief in the therapy we are both still on (closing in on two years for the both of us).  And instead becoming bogged down with the “worsening of your condition” prognosis, C was grateful for the last two years to learn about how we can live healthier and learn about what our bodies can and cannot heal.

Along the same thoughts, one of my practitioners talks to me often about the “gift” I have been given to change my life.  To become the person I am to be, which was far from what I was.  “Listen to your inner guidance and follow you path”.  

And what if the path leads to an adverse consequence?  Well, if you believe that everything is happening to serve a higher purpose and that God is never wrong, then what is occurring is always right.  Yes a very very hard pill to swallow (ha no pun intended ...), yet once we un-grasp, release and let go, we truly surrender to  the natural flow of life.  

So I get it when others get tired because now to me it is not giving up, it is having the strength to accept.  For me, this is important as approaching another round of tests soon, I will be put to the test.  My beliefs will be “officially” challenged, my choices will be discredited, great fear will once again be projected and decisions may have be made.

But as C said, be thankful for the ride because it has truly been quite a wild one!!  So today I send extra special love and light to C for his kindness, his love and most important his wisdom ... you truly are a precious gem my friend.

"Too many people miss the silver lining because they're expecting gold" 

M. Setter

" Fly Like An Eagle ... "

Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin' 

Into the future 

Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin' 

Into the future 

I want to fly like an eagle 

To the sea 

Fly like an eagle 

Let my spirit carry me 

I want to fly like an eagle 

Till I'm free 

Fly through the revolution 

Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin' 

Into the future 

Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin' 

Into the future 

~ Steve Miller ~ Fly Like An Eagle ~

***

Here we are ... Month 19 of the Gerson Therapy.  Sounds unreal doesn’t it?  Yeah, to me as well ... looking back, I vividly remember my first day at the Clinica Nutricion Y Vida in Tijuana.  It is a day in my life, a pivotal moment, I am forever grateful for and will never forget ...

Those who continue to ask “are still doing that thing” ... yes I am.  I have another 5 months to go till I reach the two year mark and then, we reassess.  In the meantime, I will continue to have my lab work monitored.  So far so good ... and if I am truly honest, I am tired and bored of my therapy schedule.  I cannot wait for the variety of healthy foods I will be able to add ... I cannot wait for the flexibility of time I will be able to experience.  Yes I tell myself, this too shall come, be patient, as you are on the home stretch (I believe you Jolene!!).

As well, this is a time of a great deal of unknowns for me as I don’t know what my career will look like going forward.  Mainly because life is different since pre-diagnosis.  I want so much more out of my life, I want to travel, I want to make a profound difference regarding humanity ... and I am trying to find my purpose.  

In the past 19 months I continue to discover that ... 

• letting go of self-interest opens the door to recognizing your true self
• knowing who you are inside ... your true values, secret desires, imagination, your capacity for love, empathy, generosity ... all relate to and inform your life purpose
• using my mental and creative energies to serve something larger than myself will help me find my life purpose
• and learning from my choices and way of life can give me important feedback about the path I’ve been on, in relation to my deeper life purpose
  

So, instead of fine tuning or tweaking what I’ve been doing in my work, maybe looking at what it tells me about my longings and inner vision that I might be trying to express through my outer life?

Being open to the feedback my actions have provided during this leg of my journey is a good start.  There are times when I felt a pull towards some purpose, activity or goal.  It is what reflects my inner self ... I just need the courage to pursue it fully and with great intent.

 Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. 

There are always difficulties arising that tempt you to believe that your critics are right. 

To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage 

♥ Ralph Waldo Emerson

" Hope ... "

Shadow walks faster than you

You don't really know what to do

Do you think that you're not alone?

You really think that you are immune to

Its gonna get that the best of you

Its gonna lift you up and let you down

It will defeat you then teach you to get back up ... 

It will teach you to love what you're afraid of

After it takes away all that

You learn to love, but you don't

Always, have to hold your head

Higher than your heart ...

You better hope you're not alone

~ Jack Johnson ~ Hope ~

***

What is the purpose of telling someone how long they have to live ... to “prepare” them to die?  Does that really help anyone?   Yesterday, that was the question asked to me by a fellow cancer patient receiving intravenous therapy along my side.  I sat at the naturopath clinic and experienced profound sadness.  Sadness because the three other people in the room were considered stage IV, were told to get their affairs in order ... as they were completely written off at our famous cancer care centre.  

But here’s the difference ... they are still alive, beating the odds.  

They are awesome in my eyes.

First I met awesome#1: Greg.  Greg openly shared with me how he had surgery last September and was told that “we didn’t get it all ... and unfortunately you have about a month left to live”.  Greg has pancreatic cancer.  Greg told them “hogwash!” (yep, his words) and comes to the naturopath clinic twice a week for vitamin C IV therapy.  9 months later, Greg is struggling, but he is alive.  He said his oncologist doesn’t know what to do with him because he should be dead by now.

Next I met awesome#2: Liz.  Liz was diagnosed with breast cancer and after conventional treatment, it has spread throughout her body.  And every time Liz goes to see her oncologist, she is given 1 to 2 years ... she has been told this for 17 years, as that is how long she has been living with cancer.  Liz continues her vitamin C IV therapy twice a week, unless the weather is good, then she said she golfs instead.  

Finally I met awesome#3: Pauline.  Pauline has chemotherapy once every three weeks for her cancer.  Her initial diagnosis was breast cancer and after a lumpectomy, chemotherapy and radiation then followed with a double mastectomy, Pauline now has secondary cancers in her bones and liver.  Three weeks ago she could not get out of bed, yesterday she told me she could finally walk around, assisted with a cane, and felt 1000 times better.  Pauline receives vitamin C IV therapy once a week, but due to the chemotherapy treatments she experiences severe nausea.

In some regard it was comforting to be in an environment where the doctors are heart full and not preoccupied with their cash register ... it was comforting to be in an impromptu support group, all of on different paths converging to the same place.

Besides the details mentioned above, all three had one thing in common.  They had been robbed of hope.  Hope that there was and always is a chance to defeat this illness and live.  Conventional doctors will openly tell you that there is no cure and within their scope, knowledge and medicines they are right.  So by the time the doctors send a cancer patient home to die, they have no immune system left ... and usually this is the time the cancer patient begins alternative treatments ... starting over, rebuilding and looking for new hope.

I believe the universe is always giving us messages ... it just depends on if we are paying attention.  I’ll leave it up to you to sort out how you interpret the above as I too dabble with the “what if” world and if this really means that and that really means something else ... regardless only we can decide if the path we take is the right one for us.

When the world says Give Up, 

HOPE whispers Try It One More Time ...

" Better ... "

No one ever told me when I was alone

They just thought I'd know better.. better...

The hardest part

this troubled heart has ever yet been through now,

Was heal the scars 

that got their start inside someone like you now,

For had I known or I'd been shown back 

when how long it'd take me,

To break the charms that brought me harm 

and all but would erase me.

Now I know you better, You know I know better ...

~ Guns ‘N Roses ~ Better ~

***

Some say life is a game and some of us have been dealt a “good” hand and others a “bad”hand.  And this hand will determine the inevitable outcome.  Yet what if we don’t have to play this game where there’s always a loser and a victor.  What if we decide we are all winners?

Fortunately, we have been given the gift of consciousness.  We have learned and created means to better express ourselves ... and these different forms of expression have been born in a communal effort to materialize our hopes, aspirations, morals, ethics, inspiration, and dreams.  How we understand this truth has everything to do with what we see manifested in our everyday perceptions of reality.

So depending on the hand dealt to us determines our individual experience of this communal creation ... or does it?  What if it depends on how we play the game instead ... similar to making our own path, we would have an equal opportunity to succeed, regardless of our cards.

Consider creating a new game together by changing the rules and stakes ...

So where’s the problem ... well some of us have no idea we have the option of creating a new game.  We feel we have to do the best we can with what we got, and that’s how we live.  We take in a situation, which might not be the best for us as a given, and don’t question it.  Just deal with it, in the best possible way.

Yet, there is so much power within us - once we realize our own potential, we decide how we play our hand, our own path, our own reality.  We decide better.  And this won’t come by anyone telling us we can, but by trying it out ourselves.  

We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand ~ Randy Paush

" Sabotage ... "

I can't stand rocking when I'm in here

'Cause your crystal ball ain't so crystal clear ...

'Cause what you see you might not get

And we can bet, so don't you get souped yet

You're scheming on a thing that's a mirage

I'm trying to tell you now, it's sabotage ...

Why

Our backs are now against the wall?

Listen all y'all, it's a sabotage

~ Beastie Boys ~ Sabotage ~

***

Do you believe that you deserve good things, happy times, true friends and lasting happiness?  If you truly don’t believe this, you could be sabotaging your life.  

Self-sabotage ... comes from years of human conditioning.  

You sabotage yourself every time you do something that you don’t really want to do, that doesn’t inspire, because you are denying the essence of who you are ... you are denying your true self.  Think about the last time you did something out of obligation rather than joy.  You reinforced to yourself that you don’t deserve to choose how you spend your time.  If you continue to say “yes” when you really mean “no”, you start to lose yourself, you demise your spirit, your creativity and your right to live a life that is fulfilling.  When you do what you want, you emit a different energy, attracting different experiences in your life.

You sabotage yourself every time you alter the truth, make excuses and lie to yourself.   When you think you deserve less, feel miserable and powerless to change your life, you are altering your truth.  You modify your situation because you are not ready to face reality.  You lie because you don't want to hurt others.  But even though the truth may seem harsh, it will set you free once you release it ... regardless as to how unpopular it may be.   When you consciously choose to live a more fulfilling life, instead of shades of truth, you start to carve out your own style, and your own way.

Sadly it is easier to deny who you are, to create false truths and to excuse your choices and behaviour.  Society favours those that follow status quo, rather than making their own choices.  

Self-sabotage stems from FEAR.  Some of us are scared and others have the courage to face it head on, move past it and forward onto a life deserved.  Check in and see where you are and how that's working for you.  Feed your dreams and starve your doubts ... have the courage to recognize your sabotaging behaviour.  Choose to believe in yourself ... accept yourself just as you are and stop comparing yourself to others.  Value your unique qualities, celebrate them because the difference between ordinary and "extra" ordinary is YOU.

" One Year Of Love ... "

Just surrender to your love,

Just one year of love,

Is better that a lifetime alone,

One sentimental moment in your arms,

Is like a shooting star right through my heart,

It's always a rainy day without you,

I'm a prisoner of love inside you -

I'm falling apart all around you - yeah.

And all I can do is surrender ...

~ Queen ~ One Year Of Love ~

***

March 7, 2011, exactly one year since I started the full Gerson Therapy.  I know wild eh?  Three words capture it perfectly ... what a journey!  In the beginning, it seemed unattainable as I didn’t know if we would make one week let alone one year.  But I had to shift and start focusing on enjoying the journey instead of “getting off the therapy”.  I had to completely embrace my new life and the opportunity presented to me for self-discovery and growth.

My new life ... taking me in a totally different direction from where I was heading.  But to step into this path I had to stop mourning the loss of my old life.  I had to let go and surrender.  I began by cleansing each and every aspect of my life on all health levels ... emotionally, physically and spiritually.  

And upon reflection, my former life was really full of one challenge after another, as I constantly felt like I wasn’t good enough or strong enough ... basically not deserving of the success I was achieving.  I was tired of beating myself up all day, every day, and I had to make myself a priority.

Cherrie Moraga quoted “Sometimes a breakdown can be the beginning of a kind of breakthrough, a way of living in advance through a trauma that prepares you for a future of radical transformation”.  Yes, I can relate ... definitely a radical transformation.  And during this time, I have received an abundance of blessings.  As tough as this journey is, the possibilities are endless.  I have been given another chance to decide exactly how the rest of my life will unfold.

And for those that are curious about the tumours, my last consult went extremely well.  My Gerson and local doctors were over the moon with my results.  My body is healing thanks to it’s alkaline state.  Honestly speaking, we really didn’t know if Gerson would “work” in the beginning ... yet as the hours turned to days, and the days turned to months, and now one year ... all the hard work has paid off.

So as I shine my light onward to the next 8 to 12 months of therapy, my intentions are to continue to heal my body, mind and soul ... my LIFE for the rest of my life.  And although I can’t say that I have loved every moment of the last year, with every high and low has come valuable lessons.  Lessons that I know I wouldn’t have experienced if it wasn’t for my cancer diagnosis ... experiencing real healthy food, yoga, meditation, sunshine, walks, time with precious family and friends, gardening, music, writing, fun books, good movies, concerts, theater and life ... for as long as I’m blessed to have it.  

At the very least, I’ve learned about what matters ... "finding courage, keeping hope and losing fear".

Peace and Carrots ॐ 

M

" Don't Stop Believin' ..."

“Strangers waiting, up and down the boulevard

Their shadows searching in the night

Streetlights people, living just to find emotion

Hiding, somewhere in the night.

Don't stop believin'

Hold on to the feelin'

Streetlights people”

~ Journey ~ Don’t Stop Believing ~

***

What does your spiritual journey consist of?  Do you think of it as a quick journey?  Are you all about speed so that you can avoid potential dangers that await you on your path?  Sometimes trying to feel your way in the dark and moving slowly on our spiritual journey may bring us to those very dangers we are trying to avoid.  A sage once said “Our spiritual journey may be a tightrope stretched low across the ground, designed more for tripping over than walking on.”

Outer circle of humanity ... where every one speaks their own language with the possibility of miscommunication and suffering ... characterized as acting as a machine in an action-reaction pattern with little awareness or control.  

Inner circle of humanity ... where all hearts are as one and true community and love exist ... some associate with saints, enlightened beings and prophets, all arrayed in degrees of closeness to the center ~ the ultimate truth. 

Travelling from one to the other is your spiritual journey.  From culture, media, entertainment and the hunt for wealth and security to religion, myths, legends, and heart of enlightenment.

So where are you on your spiritual journey?  A good indicator is the type of influences you are dealing with.  For example, if it is a group of people in your life, are they selfish or unselfish?  Do they invite you you to lose yourself or to awareness of yourself?  

The reality is that there is a mix of both in our lives all the time.  Therefore, trying to maintain the state of awareness from your inner circle influences as long as possible when shifting to the outer circle influences, may be a good way to balance the two.  You see, this awareness will make your experience of outer circle influences more enjoyable, as they will have a spark of vividness and life to them.

Just trust this process will happen with its own speed, but the secret key is adding the light of your understanding and awareness to it.   Imagine the pull of your core on your spiritual journey is like a current in a river, it will take you with or without your awareness.  So stand guard at the gates of your heart, and observe the impressions that pass through them.  If you believe, you will see your path brightly lit in front of you, and your core will act like a compass and always point you in the right direction.  

"To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping ..."

" My Favourite Things ... "

"Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eye lashes
Silver white winters that melt into spring
These are a few of my favorite things!"

~ Julie Andrews ~ My Favourite Things ~

***

During my wild journey this year, I have had the opportunity to explore a variety of "things".  And since tis the season, I thought I would put together ... a few of my favourite things to share with you.  Hopefully you may appreciate them just as much as I do.

FRESH LOCAL PRODUCE at Co-op, Amaranth, Planet Organic, Community Natural Food Store and Kingsland Farmers Market 
~ we are so fortunate to have a variety of stores to select our produce from ... Go Organic!! ♥

TINY DEVOTIONS 
~ These mala beads are sacred necklaces that have been worn for thousands of years in traditions of yoga, Buddhism and Hinduism.  They are gorgeous, and so hard to choose from, but my favourite ones are the Turquoise Ocean Mala, African Jade Mala, African Turquoise Mala, Transition Mala and the Mala of Fire.  Check it out ... you'll see why it is hard to pick just one ♥

JUIL 
~ I love these funky sandals and what JUIL represents ... ♥
" Life is energy. Energy is life. It's that simple. But as technology has connected us to the world all around us, we're very often disconnected from the most powerful, most rejuvenating energy source on earth: the earth itself. Ordinary shoe soles block us from what our bodies need most" ..

LULULEMON 
~ everyone loves Lulu, yoga-inspired athletic apparel ... fits every body with no judgement and no competition ... just like my yoga practice.  Namaste ♥

HOT YOGA ON CROWFOOT 
~ an amazing workout with loving and supportive teachers, this is my favourite yoga studio where I take a journey through my heart and let my breath guide my path ♥

COREPORATE CARE THERAPY 
~ for over 10 years, my healing support and my beautiful friend, Jolene Tse, has gifted me with various healing modalities.  
Truly an angelic experience ♥

AMATSU Eastern Healing Arts Clinic
~ Dr. Christian Perez embraces an Eastern approach to healing that safeguards health and longevity with early intervention.  Providing an  environment that has allowed me to recuperate and heal on my wellness journey, words cannot describe my gratitude ♥

APPLE 
~ My everyday life line ... my MacBook Pro, the best investment I ever made ... and as we know gift cards are great for apps, add ons, upgrades .... iLOVE ♥

ALBA BOTANICA 
~ One of the recommended brands by the Gerson Institute, Alba uses pure plant proteins, natural botanicals, vitamins, advanced sea enzymes and tropical fruit, nut and plant essences from the Hawaiian islands ... SO good for you ♥

NATURAL ESSENTIAL OILS 
~ finest and purest natural products, essential oils are considered nature's effective tools for stimulating and storing positive energy, and supporting our quest for a balanced, healthy and harmonious life ♥

BE.OLOGY T-SHIRTS 
~ word and thoughts carry energy ... pick an phrase and express yourself ... just BE ♥

SALON FLI 
~ a funky hair salon with award winning stylist ... my girl Naomi made me feel so special at a time when I didn't feel that special ... Much Love ♥

HEALING RECIPE EBOOK 
~ fearless Jess Ainscough, my fellow Gersonator compiled this holiday recipe book ... the aim is not only to provide us with 30 amazing recipes to try out during the holidays, but also to show us that the process of healing does not have to be carried out with deprivation and guilt ♥

UGG CLASSIC SHORT SPARKLES 
~ just check these out ... oooo shiny sparkles ... everyone deserves to sparkle ♥

O MAGAZINE 
~ one word ... Oprah.  enough said ♥

YOGA JOURNAL 
~ le sigh ... one day I WILL be able to complete the posture on the cover of YJ ... in the meantime, dare to dream ♥

SHAKTI MAT 
~ a new design of an ancient tool, this mat uses effective acupressure points from pain and discomfort to a pleasant feeling of relaxation ♥

NUMI ORGANIC TEAS 
~ nothing beats a blissful cup of tea, Numi preserves our earth's resources and protects the health of the farmers ... ensuring that what is going into our bodies is 100% natural, made the way nature intended ♥

BsaB CANDLES
~ BsaB recognizes life is a fragile and beautiful balance ... providing 100% natural products, they are committed to positively affecting the environment and humans ♥

CANADIAN SHEEPSKIN GLOVES 
~ c-c-c-old Calgary winters, and I mean minus 30 degrees Celsius require some serious protection ... and these cuties caught my eye and promise to keep my digits nice and toasty ♥

"Soar ..."

"Now in life there's gonna be times 
When you're feeling low
And in your mind insecurity seems to take control
We start to look outside ourselves
For acceptance and approval
We keep forgetting that the one thing we should know is
Don't be scared
To fly alone
Find a path that is your own
Love will open every door"

~ Christina Aguilera ~ Soar ~

***

Finding a path that is my own was not difficult for me, staying on my path, well ... that is another story.   After diagnosis, my treatment of choice was and currently is the Gerson Therapy.  And I have written many blogs related to the therapy, the day to day schedule, and other happenings involved with it.  Yet what I am finding are the struggles I have encompass the path itself ... 

Besides the differing thoughts, comments, statements, looks and judgement on choosing an "alternative" cancer treatment, even within all natural treatments, this exists.  I have been researching websites, journals and books related to many different ways to treat serious illnesses like cancer.  And what I am finding is that there seems to be something else that you "could" do to help you heal.  Just one more thing, another add on.  Some of the patients on Gerson supplement the therapy with vitamin C in IV form, infrared saunas, blood ozone therapy, homeopath medications and the list goes on.  You start to question whether what you are doing is enough, is the therapy taking effect in your body, and could you do more.  I realized that I was started to feel overwhelmed because I let my mind take over.  I stopped listening to my body ... as I remember blogging about body talk ~ how our bodies are ALWAYS talking to us, telling us how it feels.  I was so consumed with what was potentially lacking in my treatment instead of focusing on how every body reacts uniquely and heals in its own way.  Where one treatment will work for you, it may not work for another.  You may no benefit to a what seems to be a complimentary treatment, whereas someone else may have a significant shift happen.  And in some cases, you may have a negative side effect, a flare up or a healing reaction and another following the same therapy, may have little to no change.  

Therefore trying to figure out what works and what does, or finding the "perfect" treatment for everyone is simply a waste of energy.  What we need to find is what resonates with us, our bodies and our soul ... and having no judgement on the choice we make ... Gerson resonates with me, my body loves the food it receives, it knows what to do with it, and although I am fighting to rid the cancer in my body, knock on wood, I feel good and healthier than I have in a very long time.  And yes, diagnostic tests are scheduled at the end of the month to see how the tumours are responding.  What I do know is that in the last week or so there has been a major shift in my healing.  I have had some major assistance from a dear friend to assist in this process.  I feel my body now knows that it is time for the cancer to leave and it is dying.  What I feel is the tumours are shrinking and ... the full Gerson Therapy as prescribed by Dr. Max Gerson 70 years ago is working.  

So I dare to be different and therefore .... life my life in my own way.  Following my heart rather than the crowd gives me much more of a chance to find happiness and fulfillment.  Yes, this takes courage.  And yes, we ALL have this courage.  It can be really scary to be different, not being accepted by those around you and to stand out rather than blend in.  But the truth is ... we are ALL different and therefore there is NO ONE treatment or pill that FITS ALL ... especially when it comes to cancer.  By the virtue of being alive, we are unique and special ... and a beautiful reminder that this is the miracle of being human.  

Just for today, I'm going to pretend that I believe that I am enough. 

Tomorrow, I am pretty sure I will believe it. I did yesterday ♥