" Charity Case ... "

Give, give, give it away now ...

I don't know what matters to you at this moment

But that's all that matters to me

How are you? (How are you?)

Knock on wood ...

Oh can't you see, oh can't you see

If I help somebody, baby there's mercy for me 

Ahhh charity! 

Charity!! You better give it to somebody

~ Gnarls Barkley ~ Charity Case ~

***

With the recent ALS Ice Bucket Challenge fad, you can’t seem to get away from someone throwing a bucket somewhere.  Thanks to the ALS Association, who had their first press release on August 13 about the phenomenon, by August 24, $70.2 million dollars has been raised, amazing.  So it seems that this fad has outlasted all expectations.  I imagine the celebrity endorsements doesn’t hurt.  And even if you think it is silly or dangerous, or both, and you don’t want to pour ice water all over yourself, you can still donate to ALS.

Just a simple question ... how will the money be spent? 

(ALS association ... no comment, yet)

With that in mind, I will not be participating in the challenge and those that know me, know why.  As my friend Marcia said, “I am more than happy to write a check, which is what I am doing, to individuals, or families of individuals, but also continuing to help people understand it isn't the amount of years that matter, it's what we do in those years that matter.”

With my own personal health journey, I have not benefited from ANY Cancer foundation and nor will I.  Why?  Because my treatment of choice is not the “approved” protocol.  Bottom line:  unless you follow the standard, approved protocol, regardless of lethal side effects, your treatment will not be approved ... therefore NO MONEY avail ... gulp!!  PLUS: I have volunteered for a specific cancer foundation in the past and from what I’ve learned, I cannot, in good faith, donate.  Sadly, I am suspicious of most large charitable foundations who are not transparent ...

So where does that all leave all the millions of people we see, including family and friends who are participating?  With a good sense of charity.  This marketing scheme is brilliant considering the number of cases every year that are diagnosed ... in comparison to heart disease, cancer, MS.

It is in us to give ... and when we give, we get so much more in return.  So many may not care about the money that is raised, or the celebrity that is soaked, or the way the challenge is done.  They may only care about raising awareness.  Awareness to a dis-ease that has either effected them, or someone they love.  And for that, I humbly applaud them ... all while staying warm, dry and fully aware of the challenge any one of us may face, any day.

www.walkstrong.ca

" Yet …"

All attempts have failed
All my heads are tails
She's got teary eyes
I've got reasons why

I'm losing ground and gaining speed
I've lost myself or most of me
I'm headed for the final precipice

But you haven't lost me yet
No, you haven't lost me yet
I'll sing until my heart caves in
No, you haven't lost me yet, yet

~ Switchfoot ~ Yet ~

***

It is  funny what some people focus on ... funny in a not so funny way.  Recently I was having conversations with someones and as most topics gravitate towards health, I was asked about what my lifestyle is like.  So I explained ... I eat organic food, I prefer raw foods, I practice hot yoga, I work for myself ... and as I was continuing to answer them, they question ... yeah, but what about the cancer?  is it gone yet?

And this made me think … 

why do we tend to focus on results more than the “journey” ?  

we are a society of instant gratification …

We want something different but don't really want to change.  

We want to be enlightened but don’t want to be uncomfortable.  

We do things as they are convenient, not as they are necessary.  

And if we don’t get the results immediately, 

it is a bust, failure and doesn't work ...

So if I had answered ... yes the cancer is gone?  am I a success?

So if I answer ... no the cancer is still present?  am I a failure?

I guess it depends on who you ask.  

And it made me really think about my own thinking, writing and even living patterns.  In the past, I have found myself romanticizing the “end” of the journey.  Sometimes thinking there may be a prize awaiting my arrival.  Do I place too much emphasis on the end result as well?  Have I been implying that in my words, in my actions?  A finale of some sort? ... and has this been translated in my writing?

Oddly enough, I have found that the ending place one arrives at is another pathway to a new experience.  I mean isn’t there always another climb or another great distance to cross?  The path I have taken leads to a hundred more, as the process of discovery is not a short one.

So, it seems we are always on the cycle of road that never ends.  Which may explain the painful monotony we all come up against because we like to have a point, an exact location where we can set our minds up for expectations.  It is a closed minded way of living ... it is a way of living that no longer serves me.

I have found that when I rush life, I deprive my soul of exploration, discovery, mistakes, lessons, rewards and blessings. I have found that it is not about getting there or how quickly one can arrive.  I have found that it is about what you take away from your experience on the way there because I have learned my growth and learning is limitless …

" Stages ... "

I ain't got a single thing to do.

It happened before I knew what was going on.

I fell out and knew that I was gone.

Stages keep on changing,

stages rearranging love ...

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Tell me it's for real and let me know

why does lovin' have to come and go.

Stages keep on changing,

stages rearranging love.

~ ZZ Top ~ Stages ~

***

I find myself in an interesting space when asked “what stage are you?”.  Do I answer the stage of my diagnosis, the stage of my emotions or the stage of my healing.  I guess it is safe to assume that most are referring the “illness”.  Yet for me, my answer is around emotions and healing because that is where I think my focus should be.

As I move along my healing journey, I am learning how quickly my emotions can destabilize which trigger feelings of insecurity and a greater loss of control.  I am learning how chaos, confusion and even symptoms of depression arise ... and I am learning on their presence mean healing is taking place.  Ironic isn’t it?  Yet like much of life, it is a universal process that allows one to learn that this very chaos is very necessary.

For me, illness is where I must let go of my identity as a “sick” person and embrace my life as a healthy person ...

Thanks to my primary health practitioner and meditation teacher, I have learned that stages of healing can be felt on many levels of your being ... physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual.  And since we are all unique, and cope differently, the sequence of stages (below) vary ... but we do move in and out of each at our own pace ... taking days, months or even years.  Positive or negative, the need for healing allows the old identity to make way for the new.

Shock ~ sudden crisis, trauma, uncontrollable loss, emotional numbness, disbelief and or the inability to mentally comprehend the situation

Denial ~ life seems unreal, sense of “this cannot be happening”, time to fully comprehend what is occurring, safety mechanism designed to stop you from losing control

Pain ~ anger, frustration, resentment and even envy, asking “why me”, feelings of desperation, unfairness and unjust, 

Bargaining ~ due to feelings of guilt, you give up something, make a sacrifice or dedicate your life to servicing hoping that things will right themselves, a subconscious way of balancing out the scales

Depression ~ feelings of can’t do this anymore, can’t go on or what is the point?, spirit is low, losing hope, despair, feeling defeated, lack of motivation and enthusiasm

Surrender ~ resignation to the situation which allows acceptance, practicing letting go of things in your life that are not as important, provides relief because you release the resistance and stress associated with it

Recovery and Reconstruction ~ after you surrender and accept your situation, you are ready to take responsibility of your life and how you feel once again, you have the ability to express yourself fully, you begin to learn who you are and you like what you see

Rebirth and Renewal ~ ready to change your life so you can start again, encouraged by your progress and may feel the need to go on a retreat to get to know yourself even better

Moving on ~ coming out of a time of loss and change from what you had to leave behind, you attract new and excitement into your life ... your new life.

You don't have to have an illness to identify with the above.  Life is full of stages which allows us all to go through small or large healing processes.  And every stages has its place on the road to recovering your true self, soul and spirit.  I have found that you can find your way back home, but now, I am different because my difficult experiences and the subsequent strengths and resources developed have transformed me.

So where do I go from here ... to the present.  I have to challenge myself to not look too far backward or too far forward.  I have learned that losses are not a good reason for living anymore.  And I know that my diagnosis does not diminish my humanity.

May we all strive to live in the moment with consciousness, patience, compassion and appreciation for each other, in spite of all the pain of our losses ...

" Seeing things ... "

A hundred years will never ease

Hearing things I won't believe

I saw it with my own two eyes ...

I used to dream

Of better days that never came

Sorry ain't nothin' to me ...

So please I've done my time ...

'Cause I'm seeing things for the first time

I"m seeing things for the first time

Oh I'm seeing things for the first time

Yeah, seeing things for the first time

In my life, in my life ...

Black Crowes ~ Seeing Things ~

***

doctor: “well, this is a perfect check-up ... I don’t say it often but your eyesight has actually gotten better”

me: “oh wow, that’s great! ... do you think it might be all the carrots I juice?”

doctor: “no, no ... that would only help with your eye health, but not with vision”

me: “ oh okay ... well I guess it can’t hurt right?”

doctor: “sure all those vegetables are probably a good thing”

***

Yes, this is actually a real conversation.  One I had last week with my eye doctor during my annual check-up.  Mixed emotions as I was relieved to hear that all was good, yet disappointed that he didn’t feel my current lifestyle & diet had anything to do with it.  Just once, wouldn’t it be nice to have a believer ... open to the possibility that maybe just maybe it could play a part good health?

Now that is not to say that I haven’t met wonderful, supportive health practitioners on my current health journey ... I just remember growing up and hearing “eat your carrots, they are good for your eyes”.  So you’d think juicing 50lbs a week “can’t hurt”?

Let’s see, perhaps a recap of the benefits carrots and juicing them ...

• juicing carrots allows you to take in more vegetables at one time than you would by eating raw or cooked vegetables
• carrots have two obvious nutrients vitamin A and beta carotene
• beta-carotene is also a major antioxidant
• vitamin A and beta-carotene help maintain vision along with the carrots' fair share of lutein 
• beta-carotene also maintains epithelial tissue, the tissue surrounding internal organs ... (epithelial tissues are susceptible to cancerous growths)
• carrots are also rich in poly-acetylene anti-oxidant falcarinol
• research at the University of Newcastle has shown carrot falcarinol destroys pre-cancerous cells in tumors
• carrots do help keep cancer away
• carrots are also rich in B vitamins and folate
• folate is the natural and safe provider of folic acid
• carrots help restore the liver - our body’s master cleanser
• carrot juice has been called the "golden juice of healing"

***

Again ...

doctor: “no, no ... that would only help with your eye health, but not with vision”

me: “ oh okay ... well I guess it can’t hurt right?”

***

Thankfully, over the weekend I shared this story at a neighbours gathering with a friend who is a dietitian.  She seemed about as confused as I did.  She understands the benefits of good nutrition.  I appreciated her openness to this and my health journey.  Not many are and that is okay.  I have learned to pick and choose who to share with ... no need to open yourself up to negativity and fear as I take care of that on my own during my dark times.  And who knows, maybe it was a fluke check-up ... but I heard of another lady, upon successfully completing Gerson, with improved vision.

Nonetheless, it was nice to hear the word “perfect”, as I realized how many conversations are played over and over again in my mind, and how they affect me subconsciously.  What perfection is doesn’t really matter ... just knowing that this path is heading in a positive direction is the key.