" Slow Down ... "

“ ... Slow down, baby, now you're movin' way too fast

Baby what you're tryin' to do?

You better slow down!

Baby, now you're movin' way too fast ... 

Slow down, baby, now you're movin' way too fast ... “

~ The Beatles ~ Slow Down ~

***

There is something to be said for being viewed as “so strong”.  For the past five years, specifically since this cancer diagnosis, others tell me how strong I am, how brave I am, how courageous I am ... so what happens when the strong, courageous & brave get sick?  ... ah wait for it ... crickets.

... I’ve never met a strong person with an easy past ...

This year I completed my yoga teacher training.  It took most of the first quarter of 2015 and was really something that I did for me.  The training was phenomenal and intense.  I found myself along side twenty-somethings, trying to keep up.  Sometimes taking on two hot yoga classes a day, I knew I was pushing myself, but I felt strong and I felt capable.  I recognized that all my insecurities were on display and I had choices at times to cower and give up.  I didn't share with many that cancer lives with me.  I didn't want it to be a crutch, burden or reason to be any different.  And I had lost my close friend Mary earlier in the year. I knew her death was a push for me to do whatever I wanted to do, now. She inspires me to this day to live beyond a cancer diagnosis, to live life fully as long as I am alive.

“...dear God, if today I lose my hope today 

please remind me that your plans are better than my dream ... “

Then came the summer ... teaching classes at schools, visiting public places and ... I started coming down with a nasty cough.  Yet life seemed full of opportunities and I didn’t want to slow down.  But as we know, there is a time to rest and pay attention to your body.  Being sick is one of those times.  

So I kept pushing and working through whatever this body was going through and sometimes ignore the signs ... slow down.  Ignoring because deep down I had another voice wondering if I was simply running out of time?  The five year prognosis mark was creeping up, the time frame given for my mortality.

There doesn’t seem to be a clear-cut answer of what to “do” when sick.  Moderate exercise seems to kick start the immune system into fighting off yucki-ness.  But intense and vigorous exercise may increase your susceptibility to being sick. Everyone has a home remedy and the staunch medical professionals will tell you that you are too late to do anything ...

And of course I ask myself ... how and why?  A guess-timation of what the cause may be.  Perhaps wondering with all the natural goodness in my lifestyle, where sickness can find a home?  Simply a waste of time.  Because I finally realized that the big factor of stress has to be considered ... again.  Stress produces the hormone cortisol which turns off the production of cytokines, the molecules that encourage an aggressive immune response.  Stress of job changes, relationships losses and lifestyle changes, all nicely packaged with a big bow ... yeah a perfect environment to allow yourself to break the self down.

So ... personally speaking ... 6 to 8 weeks of trying to naturally fight off this “heaviness” has resulted in learning that when I am sick, the best approach is to lean into it, specifically lean into the pain when it appears.  This in itself has been a very difficult but awakening process.  Pain has truly been my teacher.  Days and long nights of intensity, realizing that there is no control only acceptance to what is occurring in that moment.  Resistance is futile! I have had to yet again, take inventory of my body and the stress levels in my life.  I have had hard conversations around this with loved ones, which initially can cause aversion but can help uncover where there may be opportunities to make changes.  I am grateful for those words of direct wisdom. Sometimes it is the unconscious, unsaid, unstated tension that starts to simply wear us down.  

With this in mind ... I ask those of you who are reading ... please take the time to take notice.  We are capable of many great things but there comes a time to take a load off.  Take notice and take care of YOU, now.  You don’t want to spend the first half of your life carelessly so that the rest of your life you have to make up for it.  Getting sick is a time to rest, recover and reflect.  Bring the body back to balance and trusting, this too shall pass.  But if we take note now, we can learn and attempt to prevent ourselves from dealing with a more sufferings like this in the future.

www.walkstrong.ca

" My body, my choice, my life, my death ... "

my body, my choice, my life, my death

Waking up this morning to the news of Jessica Ainscough passing away was heart breaking.  Jessica had survived a rare cancer diagnosis for 7 years.  At 22 years old, she was diagnosed with epithelioid sarcoma in her arm and shoulder.  Jess elected not to have an amputation and instead pursued the Gerson Therapy.  I was first introduced about Jess in 2011 while visiting the Gerson Clinic in Tijuana, Mexico.  I’ve been inspired by Jess through her motivational speaking, blogging and book, Make Peace With Your Plate. 

With this sad news circulating within social media, many are quick to voice their opinions on what should and should not have done.  And loads are voicing in on their view on “alternative treatment” and the quackery behind it ...

Yet what ever happened to leaving space and time for others to heal?  How important is it to share your view on what you think when a young woman has enough courage to stand her ground in the face of adversity?  Do the “I told you so” pundits feel vindicated?  Does it feel good to “predict” a young woman’s death years ago only to dig it up in a juicy article, slamming anything other than conventional treatment?  How do you know her death could have been “prevented” or she could have been “saved” if she was more “transparent” in her life?

my body, my choice, my life, my death

I find it curious when critics say that Jess’s choices were misguided, insane and selfish.  I find it curious when the same critics have NEVER walked in her shoes ... why not ask one of us who actually live with cancer how life really is?   

Jess was one of those who lived life fully despite what reality presented itself.  Death at a young age is only tragic when those who leave us have potential to do so much more.  And although Jess was only 30, the impact that this courageous woman has left in my life is beyond words.  Whether these words silence or arouse you, for me, Jessica Ainscough was an amazing health and wellness advocate.  Her courage, conviction and love for life was, and will continue to be, incredibly inspirational.  She was a powerful example of what trusting in yourself regardless of the possibilities is all about.  She lived for what she believed in ... 

my body, my choice, my life, my death

" Purpose ... "

I saw an angel hit the ground
Fly to nowhere above sky
Cross another cold state line
Purpose almost hard to find

Climb a mountain reach the sun
Face the storm and lightning thunder
Seem I never found it one
Purpose really hard to find

Another time to stay
Almost fine the way

You believe of what you say
You believe of what you learn
If you fine these one
Many life will come into you

~ Stand Up ~ Purpose ~

***

I believe that once you have served your purpose, your time is up.  Regardless of age or circumstances, I believe we are all here for a reason.  And some may feel that reason  is connected to God, or to do God’s work ... so what is your purpose?

Not really a question that is asked in a daily conversation ...  

Soooooo, how are youuuuu? and whaaaaaaat’s your purpose?

We don’t usually think in this way and thank goodness, most of us don’t talk this way.  Yet we don’t think about purpose, we think about the things we need to do, the things we have done, the things we may miss out on, and the people we do the things with.  Does that about sum it up?  So where in all those thoughts does purpose fit in?

Well that is entirely up to you.  You can take ANY opportunity ... abandonment, death, illness, loss ... and ask what is the blessing in this ordeal?  And is it really an ordeal or is it an adventure?  And does this line of questioning annoy you?

Probably ... because I have had some say, it is easy to write inspirational thoughts when you are in a good place.  But here is the catch, we can be in a good place because it is available to us, always.  Period.  But we have to want it … leading you to your purpose ... trust me, from experience, it happens.  

Having had to attend a few funerals this year, as well as say goodbye to all but one fellow “patient” from the Gerson clinic in the last three years … accepting ANY death can be, well, unbearable.  When our loved ones pass on, sadness amongst other emotions, is natural.  But I know what that sadness is for me ... for what I will miss in that person.  I also believe that as difficult, tragic and overwhelming the loss is, there must be some purpose that had been reached.  I don't have to LIKE it but I trust the process and have faith in the journey we think we control, but don’t.

And that is the power of purpose.  It is what gives us strength to carry on through transitions and changes.  This shift is towards our ultimate goal and the path that fits ...

So the next logical question may be … how do I find or know my purpose?  Well it seems that the more we dedicate ourselves to a cause greater than ourselves something happens … we can add our values, strengths and passion to figure out how combined can be put into service … purpose.

I use to believe that there had to be a grand gesture to signify my purpose.  And still working towards meeting a purpose, at times, my thoughts change on why and how and where I am, what I can share and how it impacts, anyone.  

Yet, I’ve realized that the gesture doesn’t have to be grand.  It is possible to experience small adversities that provide opportunities for progress.  And within these small adversities, my purpose lies ... because suffering is an opportunity to reflect on the mistakes of my own mind and to reform myself.  

Perhaps that is when our purpose has been fully met …  

www.walkstrong.ca

" Respond/React … "

Bring it back to Respond/React

Then bring it back to Respond/React to this

Bustin thoughts that pierce your mental

The fierce rippin your sacks and

Simple as addition and subtraction ...

Bring the international charm, see a squad I harass

REACT, you best adapt when I sling this rap ...

~ The Roots ~ Respond/React ~

***

When something happens in our life, it is hard not to act in a conditioned way.  A way in which we react out of habit.  A way in which we give up our freedom because we are not making a conscious decision.  And just how do we do this ... by reacting rather than responding.

Now there may be a slight difference between the words yet in practice there is a massive difference.  Reactions are defensive in nature ... uncomfortable, emotional, and out of control.  And these very emotions without reason drive us forward unproductively.  Responding is full of thoughtfulness and reasoning.  Responding is guided less by emotion and more by logic.

So where is the difference ... mindfulness

The easiest way to be mindful is to focus on your breath.  Maintaining balanced breathing rhythm is essential as this allows us to regain our concentration.  This breath brings awareness of our body, how we feel, where we hold pain, discomfort, tension.  With focus on our breathing, we also bring our body into a steady state which calms our systems down.  With each breathe and raised awareness, we bring ourselves into control and release tensions. We let go and become more centered in who we really are and want to be. Releasing tension returns us to our principles and calmer ways of interacting.   

With self-awareness training, we can become aware of these automatic reactions that rule our lives and earn to put conscious effort into deciding for ourselves before we act.

Our goal is to take the time to think, make a rational decision, and respond with a purpose.  Personally, meditation has given me the ability to stop reacting automatically to things in my life.  To think things through.  To give the space I need.  By giving conscious awareness of this process, I can choose my response to situations as they arise … conscious awareness ~ conscious effort ~ conscious decision ...

Between stimulus and response there is a space.  

In that space is our power to choose our response.  

In our response lies our growth and our freedom 

~ Viktor E. Frankl

" Thank-You … "

And so today, my world it smiles

Your hand in mine, we walk the miles

Thanks to you it will be done

For you to me are the only one

... Inspiration's what you are to me

Inspiration, look and see ...

Happiness, no more be sad

Happiness.... I’m glad

If the sun refused to shine

I would still be loving you

Mountains crumble to the sea

There will still be you and me

~ Led Zeppelin ~ Thank-You ~

***

This time of year we tend to look back at what we have endured.  2013 ... what a year, filled with highs and lows, joy and sorrow ... and made it through.  And, this year, I wanted to give thanks for all that I appreciate.

I am thankful for ... 

God
family’s love and support

the generosity and kindness of friends

my husband’s compassion

humility

forgiveness

second chances

my sense of humour

the lessons

a warm bed

roof over my head

meditation

yoga
writing

working from home

music

our band

my MacBookPro

Skype

good healthy food

LIFE ...

... Really the list goes on.  I genuinely believe that the happiest people are those who are grateful.  So this year, that meant an adjustment.  This year, I learned to be more grateful.  And I am, I am grateful to be alive, because things don’t work out they way you expect them to.  

Instead, I wanted to stop taking things for granted and see them as blessings.  I wanted to foster an attitude of gratitude in whatever circumstances.  I wanted to be grateful for each breath, each day.  And although, I still have many slip-ups, I can honestly say I’m a much more grateful person at the end of 2013 than at the beginning.

I plan to continue the gratitude attitude into 2014.  Having a blog platform, I hope to express it more often because there is always room to appreciate.

☯ May the new year bring peace, joy and health to you and your loved ones ☯

" Why ... "

How many times do I have to try to tell you

That I'm sorry for the things I've done

But when I start to try to tell you

That's when you have to tell me ...

That's why it hurts so bad to hear the words

That keep on falling from your mouth

Falling from your mouth

Falling from your mouth

Tell me ... Why

This is the book I never read

These are the words I never said

This is the path I'll never tread

These are the dreams I'll dream instead

This is the joy that's seldom spread

These are the tears...

The tears we shed

This is the fear

This is the dread

These are the contents of my head

And these are the years that we have spent

And this is what they represent ...

You don't know what I feel

~ Annie Lennox ~ Why ~

***

The meaning of Life and it’s impermanent nature.  We often contemplate life, death and the purpose of being here ... the why of it all.  Why the happiness, why the sadness, why the struggle, why the heartache ... and I don’t know if there is a solid answer I’ve found to satisfy the why ... I don’t know if the chase for a more promising tomorrow will ever end.

Some day, that goal ... it will all lead to happiness.  But we know better.  We know that we cannot stride through life as if we will live forever.  We know that we cannot treat time as a cheap commodity that we blindly waste.  We know that we cannot hide behind victim stories forever.  We know the signs to wake up and make a change.

So you learn to forgive, you learn to take responsibility, and you learn to let go of anxiety and stress ... but what happens when we make all those changes only to find our problems are still very present and very real?  You learn to live your life with courage, love and integrity.  You learn to slow down and appreciate the preciousness of whom you are and the beauty, wealth, abundance, love and opportunities that surround you.

it’s about what makes you come alive ... 

A blank canvas in front of you, you are the artist of your life 

and you are free to paint any picture that pleases you ... 

and change it at any time for that matter ... 

We may not be able to answer the infinite question of why ... but we can replace it with questions that motivate us ... what do you love in life? ... what would you stand for if you knew no one would judge you? ... what really inspires you?

Believe that the more you can implement your passions, strengths, values and desires into your days, the less you will be asking why because the most valuable knowledge that you will ever discover is, and always will be, within.

" Man On The Moon ... "

Mott the Hoople and the game of Life ...

Andy Kaufman in the wrestling match ...

Monopoly, Twenty one, checkers, and chess ...

Mister Fred Blassie in a breakfast mess ...

Let's play Twister, let's play Risk ...

I'll see you heaven if you make the list ...

Now, Andy did you hear about this one?

Tell me, are you locked in the punch?

Andy are you goofing on Elvis? Hey, baby

Are we losing touch?

If you believed they put a man on the moon

Man on the moon

If you believe there's nothing up his sleeve

Then nothing is cool

~ R.E.M ~ Man On The Moon ~

***

I use to believe I think, therefore I am ... I am what I think, but what I am realizing is what I think is not always so great.  And instead of blaming the tricks and techniques for not working, I am realizing it is my core beliefs about myself.

So who really runs the show ... our subconscious mind has incredible power over our lives.  It leads us to take action that sabotage the best intentions of our conscious mind.  Our subconscious also tells all our the cells in our body how to live, breathe, grow, reproduce and die.  Our thoughts, whether consciously or subconsciously, transmit through our neural network to the rest of our body.  And what drives your subconscious ... your core beliefs.

Think about it ... there are times when we believe that no action will change the outcome ... we don’t have a core belief that we will become the person we want to be.  It simply depends on what you believe ... so so simple, but hard to practice.

WE are not a victims ... 

WE have power over our lives by controlling our beliefs and environment ...

I have written a great deal on the experience of dis-ease.  From my own health journey I have learned that your body tells you what your thoughts and beliefs are, regardless of what your conscious mind thinks.  If your life is full of things you don’t want, know that you’re living out some unwanted and unproductively beliefs.  The idea is if you don’t believe it, your body won’t manifest it.  This is hard to consider that you are solely responsible ... you and your core beliefs.

Identifying unwanted beliefs is a great place to start ... figure out what positive belief you can embed into your subconscious instead.  Challenging your core beliefs can be uncomfortable because to this point in your life, those have been the rules.  But ask yourself, what your life will be like in five, ten and twenty five years if you change your current belief about situation you are dealing with.  What will you have accomplished?  How will you feel about yourself?  Will you still be here?

Master your mind instead allowing your mind to master you ...

It IS a practice ... I am learning as I change my belief, I open myself up for a new one, perhaps one that supports my highest good.  I am learning to consider the feeling of pain in my old belief versus the pleasure waiting in my new beliefs.  It is taking all the courage and strength within me to challenge my patterning and programming, because it is all I know till now ... but as I create new pathways where I begin to re-wire my subconscious, my life is transforming and bringing closer to harnessing my power and living the life I am meant to live ... 

" Inner Search ... "

You've got a right to take what life offers you

don't let others mark out your scope

You better break out from all what chained you up

there is more to be than they said

The inner search needs more than words

Just hear the call for the inner search

You can hear a lot, but to understand

let the confusing voices die first

blow the flickering light out that's in your head

see the one that's always been there ...

Get up for a sense, take your life in your own hands

hear your inner voice leading you to the right choice

That you are is yours, belongs just to you ...

~ Rage ~ The Inner Search ~

***

Sometimes I just need to get my Kali on.  Kali, being the Hindu Goddess of empowerment and shakti (strength).  Sometimes I just need to be strong and stand up for myself.  And this is hard when striving for a non-violent, yogic lifestyle.  

The yogic calm can at times be a mask that is covered with difficult emotions, knotty feelings and desires that feel socially unacceptable.  Yet the deeper I reflect on my yoga practice, I learn to confront those parts of myself that may be suppressed by fear, trauma, or social conditioning.  I uncover what squelches my joy, undercuts my confidence, an sabotages my health.  

So where is the gift in all this ... bringing forth repressed passion and purifying it into energy ... accessing sublimated anger and wisdom that is now owned and channeled to renew my mind, body and soul.

“Invoking deity energy is a way of opening yourself to energies within that can support, protect, and act with a kind of numinous power ... “

The goddess Kali can be found in yogic art and is suppose to have arisen out of the warrior-goddess Durga during fierce battle with demons.  This would explain her association with spiritual and psychological liberation.  Kali symbolizes enlightenment ... freedom from conditioned beliefs, false personal identities and preconceived notions that keep you from recognizing your true identity.  Kali represents the power to release that which is true in you.  

Personally, I am finding that Kali in my daily life often means tuning in to aspects of myself that I normally don’t have access to.  I don't become free just by going with the flow. I become free by knowing when to say no, fighting for what is right, and engaging with the fiercer forms of grace.  So by “getting my Kali on”, I seek out permission ... to realize in those moments when suppressed anger or fear is threatening to overwhelm me, I can look to discover and integrate Kali, my energy.  

You see we seek Kali when we feel like we are living in dissonance with parts of ourselves we may not fully understand or know.  Kali helps us by pointing toward those parts of you that you have rejected, feared, or ignored.  Kali inspires you to transform your identity over again, letting go of the old rigid ideas of who you are, stretching your emotional range, your mind, and life itself in beautiful ways.

So explore your daily dose of Kali and bring an extra dose of ferocity ... just what is needed to keep growing through this wild journey called life.

" Moment of Surrender ... "

At the moment of surrender

I folded to my knees

I did not notice the passers by 

And they did not notice me

I’ve been in every black hole

At the alter of the Dark star

My body's now a begging bowl

That's begging to get back

Begging to get back 

To my heart

To the rhythm of my soul

To the rhythm of my consciousness

To the rhythm that yearns

To be released from control

At the moment of surrender

Of vision over visibility 

I did not notice the passers by

And they did not notice me

~ U2 ~ Moment of Surrender ~

***

Surrender ... one of the most important aspects of spirituality.  Used synonymously with letting go, allowing or movement of energy.  With a nemesis named resistance.

So what is it to surrender, why is it so hard to practice?

Well in it’s traditional sense, surrender is to “include a sense of loss and defeat, a place of weakness and inability, a choice to end the experience and exit the journey ... to yield something to the possession or power of another; deliver up possession of on demand or under duress.”

Yet in a spiritual context, surrender means something very different.   It is the wholehearted cooperation with the inevitable.  As Eckhart Tolle says “ ... say YES to life and see how life suddenly starts working for you rather than against you.”

Personally, I am learning to let go of the concept of who I think I am suppose to be and actually being who I am.  For who I am is unlimited possibilities and surrendering to the idea is acceptance of my total self.  

Surrender is total internal non-resistance ... 

it allows you to let go of all beliefs and judgements ... 

it provides silence ... 

and the connection with the Divine.

So why is to surrender so difficult?  One word: Control.  Yet, I’ve noticed that things go much more smoothly when I give up control, allow them to happen instead of making them happen.  And this is difficult for most because we are a control freaks ... you know using perfectly good energy trying to plan, predict and prevent the world.

And where does the control come from ... Fear.  We try to control things because of what we think will happen if we don’t.  We get attached to a specific outcome instead of being open to all sorts of possibilities.  

When we trust that we’re okay no matter what circumstances come our way, we don’t need to micro-manage the universe ... 

The Art of Surrendering ... 

* Natural flow of things ~ Non Resistance ~ Accept What Is *

* Complete acceptance of what is + Faith that all is well even without my input *

Personally, this provides so much relief.  Just think life goes on with or without your input.  So don’t take on the pressure of sorting it all out.  And it is not about inaction.  It is about being in control and choosing to let go ~ consciously and on purpose.

And if you still struggle with surrendering ask yourself ~ what are you afraid will happen if you let go of control?  And when you narrow the fear, question its validity.  Is it true?  Another tip is to make sure you are minding your own business.  Most of the time when we are trying to control things outside of our business, it doesn’t go well.

Mental note: Loosen your grip and feel the freedom ...

Surrender to the highest unconditional love you can imagine and create an outpouring of goodness into your consciousness which gets downloaded into your life.  Know that it takes courage, focus and patience to trust it ... it takes a self loving voyage that is not egotistical or narcissistic ... it is returning home to the infinite Source.

" Spirit ... "

To live with grace, to ride the swell

To yet be strong of will

To love the wind, to learn its song

And empty space to fill ...

A winters journey from the moon

To reach the summer sun

To rise again, to sing for you

A song that's yet unsung ...

His spirit joined and so was formed

Ten thousand years ago

Between the swan and Hercules

Where even dark clouds glow

~ John Denver ~ Spirit ~

***

It seems that there is more and more information available about detoxifying your physical body.  Cleanses, shakes, supplements and foods.  But what about your spirit?  

Our spirit is suppose to be perfect and divine.  Yet sometimes we need to cleanse our essence after experiences.  You see each one leaves an imprint and therefore the impact remains, perhaps at a subtle level.  

If we were perfect, we would be in alignment with our true self at all times, even after difficult events.  But we know that this isn’t the case as the life happens and our emotional reactions occur.  We generate thoughts and they mingle into our emotions which create thoughts and patterns ... muddling our spirit.  And our soul expresses itself through our energy field with the brightest presence being our essence.  Hence when our energy field can affect the clarity of our light.

Recognize and Let go of Things That No Longer Serve You ...

Analyze your attitude and behaviours ... how do you view the world?  do you need to take out pettiness and cultivate generosity instead?  try to drop the negative and grow a positive outlook.

Analyze your relationships ... what is causing you stress? can you fix the issue?  are you willing to renew your commitment or is spiritually strong to let go?

Analyze your time ... what activities occupy you?  do you receive strength from what you do?  do yo burden yourself with too much senseless activity?  make more time to nurture yourself.

Analyze unfinished business ... do you have long-standing issues with someone?  can you approach them with love, warmth and honesty?  can you share a solution?  can you let go of grievances?

Analyze your abilities ... do you have unrealistic expectations of yourself?  do you compete against others or yourself?  strive for personal best that are in tune with your talents and let others shine where you can’t.

Analyze what will quiet your mind ... can you make peace with the past?  can you seek joy in the future?  forgiveness allows miracles to occur.

Cleansing our spirit allows us to embrace what is present, here and now, for our enrichment.  We release patterns that clog our aura.  And when we reach inside ourselves for strength to live each day to the its fullest our world shines a little brighter and our soul flourishes.