" Wandering ... "

On the eve of another birthday, my mind is wandering.  Wandering, wandering ... I never really thought I would get to the age of 46 ... not because I am a pessimist but because of being cancer-ed.  

Ah yes, for those who have had a similar experience, you don’t really forget.  All the memories of ‘that’ day, being diagnosed, can come rushing back at any moment, triggered by anything remotely to do with the dis-ease.  But rather than choosing this to be viewed as a weakness and being a ‘victim’ to the thought, I am opening to the insights offered.  

My most vivid ‘memory’, the one that did the most damage was my prognosis ... 5 years at best.  I have this attachment because I speak to it, still to this day.  And I write about it, as here present in these words.  Load on the intense programming, patterning and hypnosis of how, what, where, when and why an ill-ness is an ill-ness.  The triggers are present because my mind has been so deluded to the idea of being cancered.  

And so here we are ... on the eve of another birthday and 4.5 years being cancer-ed.  My mantra ... so far so good ... probably because it is a bit of a safety net, a precaution or a disclaimer.  With no claim to being “cured” because, I am not.  

So why back to the wandering mind ... well with an assigned dis-ease, you really are not sure what you will get.  AND cue insight ... that’s what life is all about.  Not really sure what what you will end up with right?  Whether it be an ill-ness you manage, a relationship you tolerate, a burden you carry, or a void within your heart ... pretty much anything can be your demise IF you allow it.  An ill-ness or dis-ease just has intense assumptions that go along with it.

In those moments of weakness, when I say aloud, I don’t know how much more of this I can take, I hear within, count your blessings, they will multiply.  But how?  Begin with breath.  Our sacred connection to the Divine.  And that is where my gratitude begins.  And so tomorrow at first light, I hope to graciously take my first breath, arms and heart wide open ... birth of a new day.

Blessings xx

MC

" Hold On ... "

Hold on 

Hold on to yourself 

For this is gonna hurt like hell. 

Hold on 

Hold on to yourself. 

You know that only time can tell 

What is it in me that refuses to believe 

This isn't easier than the real thing ...

Am I in heaven here or 

Am I at the crossroads I am standing ...

That you'll be strong tomorrow 

And will see another day 

And we will praise it 

And love the light that brings a smile 

Across your face. 

~ Sarah McLachlan ~ Hold On ~ 

***

Well it’s been quite a ride ... a roller coaster ride that is.  Starting month 18 on the Gerson Therapy, I’ve been reflecting a great deal ... reflecting how this entire journey began.  Finding my dreaded lump, only to discover there was more than one.  Next came the chaos, and oh there was much of that ... inner chaos really.  On the outside, I may have been cool as a cucumber but on the inside all hell had broken loose.  And believe me, there are still days like that.  I wonder if they ever go away, regardless of an ailment, do we all experience this in some way?

Many feelings come up too, and not all positive.  There are dark feelings ... fear, anger, loneliness, hurt ... and resentment.  Aha, probably the biggest one of them all.

Perhaps one of the most destructive emotions that we are capable of feeling is resentment.  You know the famous quote “Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” From the moment I first heard that significant little statement, I laid claim to it as my own.

Whether valid or not, resentments case us to dwell on the betrayal we believe we have been subjected to.  Whether it was a hurtful gesture, or we believe that someone didn’t do what they should have, our reaction manifests like a cancer within.  Resentment takes over ... rent free in our head.  And if you are anything like me, prone to emotional eating, resentment creates the perfect storm for compulsive or unhealthy eating.  Hence my years and years of struggle with bulimia.

Refusing to forgive is a choice that keeps resentments alive.

We become self-righteous and our anger takes precedence over our desire for peace and serenity.  Hmmm ... don’t we ALL just want peace in our life?  Then how can we CHOSE to keep resentment alive?  Our need to be right becomes a stronghold, which negatively impacts us mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

And I’ll admit, I am still working on letting go of the resentment in my life.  Just when I think I’m good, I get “triggered” and then take three steps back after taking two steps forward.  I know I am not alone so here are some tools I use to help me move through it ...

• I ask if I am using resentment to recreate drama and what is my payoff for doing this?
• I realize that I cannot control others and outcomes and those that have rejected me
• I recognize that my resentments give me only illusions of strength and true strength and power is in forgiveness
• I acknowledge my part in allowing the abuse and manipulation to occur and forgive myself for that
• I practice forgiveness for what I can 
• I practice deliberate forgetfulness when I can’t
• I understand that that present day resentments are not to be confused with unresolved past resentments
• I ask our higher power to release me from the bondage of resentment and guide me to a path toward letting go
• I decide I am worth the freedom from destruction caused by harbored resentments and vow to take my serenity back

We all know people who are resentful their whole life.  They become bitter and the present passes them by.  Resentment is not only toxic it is intoxicating.  Hmmm, maybe we hold on to resentment because it gives us some control over the past?  Ironically, when we forgive, we have some say over what role those past events play in our present.

I have been told that our minds are like a magnifying glass.  Whatever you focus on will expand.  So I ask myself ... do I want to focus on resentment, or forgiveness?  And which one, do I believe, will ultimately make me feel and live better?

" Break The Cycle ... "

Thank you for your consideration

You don't know what I know

Me and my sense of direction

Is my own

Let's go tell the people

We've gotta break the cycle

I'll start, begin to do my part

To break the cycle

Lay down our guard

It's a revolution

Let's be a part

Of the solution

We've gotta break the cycle

We've gotta break the cycle

~ Cory Lamb ~ Break The Cycle ~

***

Dealing with anxiety, fear and worry can be exhausting and it is hard to break the cycle when it seems like peace eludes you.  But there is hope and we can ... break the cycle.

Anxiety has a way of grabbing hold of your mind and not letting go.  You know what I am talking about ... you are lying in bed about to go to sleep and then in an instant you are hit with a slurry of anxious thoughts.  All of sudden, your mind is spinning and your body starts to get jittery. The harder your fight those thoughts, the faster they come. You quickly spin into full blown panic.

So where do you start ... you address the trigger and the root.  Understanding the triggers of those anxious thoughts is important. For me, I pray through what’s causing fear to arise within me ... is it a physical stress, like something I ate, or a mental stress, like negative thinking patterns.  I have been practicing to take some time during or after my anxiety attack to write down my thoughts.  I ask myself ... what were you thinking before the rush of anxiety? what emotions were you feeling and experiencing? was there something that happened during the day that caused you stress, or got you thinking about about something?  This exercise is allowing me to see if I can start to recognize a pattern.

Also, I am realizing that getting to the root cause of anxiety, fear and worry is absolutely essential if I want to find true freedom.  Most people stop at the first step. Once they find out what’s triggering the anxiety, they simply avoid those triggers without ever dealing with the root cause of the anxiousness.  Yet, with the use of great books, prayers, teachings and blogs I begin to tear down the strongholds of fear and anxiety and learn how thoughts get lodged in my mind. 

So if you find yourself in a similar predicament, here are some resources I use:

Heal Your Life ~ http://www.healyourlife.com/

Spirit Voyage ~ http://www.spiritvoyage.com/blog/

Crazy Sexy Life ~ http://crazysexylife.com/

Use Your Universe ~ http://www.useyouruniverse.com/guidance-for-the-journey.html

Kind Over Matter ~ http://www.kindovermatter.com/

The Best Of This Life ~ http://www.bestofthislife.com/

♥ also THANK-YOU for all your recent emails, phone calls, texts and visits 

... it really is the friends we meet along life's road who help us appreciate the journey ♥

"Patience ..."

"...little patience, mmm yeah, ooh yeah, 
I need a little patience, yeah
Just a little patience, yeah
Some more pati... ence, yeah
I've been walking the streets at night
Just trying to get it right ... 
Need some patience, yeah

I ain't got time for the pain ..."

~Guns N' Roses ~ Patience ~

***

Patience.  An interesting word.  Used in many ways.  Taught from a young age ... we must be patient.  But really it has never been easy to be patient, and probably even harder now than ever.  I can attest to that, currently in a therapy that is recommended for a minimum of 18 months or 78 weeks ... we are on week 34, and always counting...

You see in a world where messages can be sent across the globe instantly, seemingly everything is available with a few clicks of the mouse.  It's very hard not to expect instant satisfaction.  But patience remains a valuable tool in our lives.  We don't always get instant gratification, and some of the best things in life require years of hard work and waiting.  And fortunately, "patience is a virtue" that can be cultivated and nurtured.  Yeah right?  how many times have you heard "I have no patience", or "I just want it now" ... well it is possible.  But it takes time to fulfill this goal ... isn't that ironic?  ... Yet, once you have conquered this, it will become second nature.  And the bonus is that you won't be disappointed at what life can offer you with some spare time.  You will be surprised by how boring, restless and lagging hours can evolve into a passing time of relaxation and peace of mind.

Curious?  yes!  read on ...

(1) Ask why you are in such a hurry?  It appears that we tend to lose our patience when we are multitasking or on a tight schedule, expecting the day to pass within only a few short minutes of busyness and chaos.  If you are stretching yourself too thin, re-do your to-do list before you attempt to change your natural reaction to an overwhelming situation.  Try to do your tasks one at a time, and delegate your responsibilities to share the load. 

(2) Try to recognize the triggers that often influence you to lose your patience.  Impatience is like a slow growth, it creeps up on you.  And if you feel anxious, worried or unhappy you may not even realize the underlying cause of these feelings is impatience.  Raise your awareness ... which events, people, phrases or circumstances trigger you.  At the core of most triggers is a reality that we have a hard time accepting.  But remember to ask yourself, whose realities are these?

(3) Overcome bouts of impatience.  Yes, one of the hardest things to do, but by developing patience, your outlook and attitude about life shifts.  Start by learning how to relax when you feel impatient.  Take a few deep breaths and clear your mind.  Concentrate on breathing and you'll start to get your bearings.

(4) If it is out of your control, let go.  Just let it go.  Easier said than done but it's the only healthy thing you can do.  Practice makes perfect and you will gradually develop the strength to remain patient in the most difficult situations.

(5) Mental note for self ... things take time.  Getting things done now and not wasting time doesn't apply to every situation.  Some things just can't be rushed.  I realize that almost anything really good in life takes time and dedication, and if you're impatient, you're more likely to give up on relationships, goals and other things that are important to you.  

(6) Expect the unexpected.  Ah yes, this has definitely been my journey.  I had plans and last I checked, they didn't include battling cancer.  Life lesson, things don't always work out as planned.  I accept the twist and turns in life ... gracefully.  And I keep my expectations realistic.  This not only applies to my current situation, but also to the behaviour within and around me.

(7) Remember what matters most.  Focusing on what matters most in this life fuels patience.  Move the world toward peace by being kind, generous in forgiveness of others, being grateful for what is, and taking full advantage of what matters most.  Take time to remember any one of these items can reduce our tendency to want something different right now.

(8) Have a positive outlook on life.  Remember that you will eventually get what you want.  Everything works out in the end, for a Higher Purpose.  Yes, this requires maturity and patience to understand and accept.  If you work hard at something, this may be the truth, but most of the time you have to be patient to get what you want.  Our destinations are constantly moving so remember that Life is a journey to be savoured each step of the way.

1. 
   

"Royal Flush ..."

"Got a royal flush...
Just another crush
I got my head read in the shed once again, my friend
Inside, outside, upside, downside,
See my face, wanna take me home ..."
~ Stereophonics ~ Royal Flush ~ 
***


Well this morning was a doozy.  I mean one of the first days since on the Gerson Therapy were I felt like I was truly sick.  As most of you know, I have written about my lovely (insert sarcasm here) castor oil experiences - every other morning I wake up to orally take 2 oz of castor oil with strong coffee and a small amount of sugar ... well this morning was one of those mornings but I also had an opportunity to experience the "Niacin Flush".  First let me explain what Niacin is and why we take it ...


Niacin, also known as nicotinic acid or vitamin B3 ~ one of the water soluble B-complex vitamins.    During the initial phase of the therapy, normal dosages for cancer patients is six 50 mg tablets daily, this dosage differs for advance cancer cases.  The Gerson Therapy uses Niacin to improve blood circulation, elevate skin temperature, increase oxygenation, promote cellular nutrition and produce an overall detoxification effect.  So, when the blood vessels are dilated they create a sensation of warmth ~ i.e. Niacin Flush.  This is often accompanied by blushing of the skin and this "flush" or sensation of heat indicates a temporary saturation of Niacin.  You can experience redness of the cheeks, ears, neck, forearms and perhaps elsewhere.  Although this is harmless, it is extremely uncomfortable.

So just for a moment, visualize this ... frequent uncomfortable trips to the loo, looking beat red like a tomato and truly feeling this is the death of me ... yes too funny, NOW, hours after I experienced it.  I really didn't know what to do with myself, so I went outside, barefoot and stood in the yard, admiring our starter raised beds and tried to ignore the fact that I was so uncomfortable in my skin.  Thankfully, it soon passed.  I had an opportunity to visit with a good friend this afternoon (thanks Ally) who knew exactly what I was talking about ... she had experienced the Niacin Flush too!!

It made me think about how many of you out there have had the pleasure to be crawling in your own skin.  For me, I have had that feeling triggered emotionally ~ deep feelings that are poked to the surface when an unexpected event happens, provoked by someone out of the blue ...but never in a physical sense as described above, well, maybe during my engineering days when peer pressure forced us to drink too much awful draft beer, but I digress!

Yet the benefits of Niacin outweigh the discomfort, so bring on the flush ... who knows, maybe it can be mistaken for getting a bit of "extra" sun in the summer and give those self-tanners a run for their money!