That I'm naive, I'll understand
On this occasion, it's not true
Look at me, I'm not you ...
Just wait till tomorrow
I guess that's what they all say
Just before they fall apart ..."
~ New Order ~ Regret ~
Well not sure how to blog about this subject, and I thank you in advance if this turns out to be a rant... subject: Regrets. I guess what triggered it for me was recent comments from a friend. These comments have been a bit of a theme from this friend, and it started to really affect me. I have been told that I need to give a "signal" or the "go-ahead" for others to get in contact with me. That they really do care and love me, but don't know what to say ... or may say the wrong thing ... or they are worried how I will react ... or they think I am mad at them (yes, I actually had someone facebook message me and ask me that question) ... or they really want to but ....hmmmmmm.
Well, to be honest, I am a little confused. I guess because I have been so open, honest and vulnerable when it comes to my diagnosis. If you are aware of this blog, or have been reading it, you would know this. I have blogged about pretty much everything, from the day of diagnosis to daily and weekly events, side effects, nutritional restrictions, doctor appointment updates, emotional turmoil, physical symptoms, etc ... hmmmmm, okay, so maybe that is assuming that this blog is being read. Fair enough, but it is automatically uploaded to facebook and twitter ... hmmmm, okay, so maybe your not on either of those social media sites. Regardless, I have been processing and trying to sort through what this is all about, because I can tell you, it really is not about ME, its about them. Haha, yes the old saying, but this time in reverse, its not ME its YOU.
So what do I mean, well, I am a very empathetic person. Anyone that knows me, knows this. And sometimes to my detriment. In the past, I have had a difficult time setting up boundaries, taking on others problems and sinking deeper and deeper into a bad place. With friends going through break-ups, separations, losing a child, losing a parent, losing a job, financially in ruins ... being there for them, and not necessarily knowing what to say, but just the assurance that they can count on me, really count on me. In return, especially in the last 5 months, we have had friends visit from all over the world, calling and emailing and skyping, we have had our local friends bring carrots and food, we have had our friend's children make pictures for us, we have had countless words of kindness, love and support, we have had flowers and cards and plants ... basically showing us that they are really there for us. Not thinking about what not to say, or how to say it but just doing. And really does it take a blog or a social media outlet to connect with someone ... what about the simple task of asking?
And the odd thing is, I started to feel bad, or guilty that I wasn't making it easy for others to connect with me, that I maybe didn't give the right signal, maybe I was unapproachable?? Wow.... yeah, then I came to my senses and realized that I needed to stop and really think about what was going on in my life. Uh ... a little busy here trying to beat cancer? That is my focus, healing ME. So the rest is just ... well it is what it is. And truly and honestly for those that are unsure I hope that you don't have any regrets. You know it is never too late to connect ... that is IF you really want to. The word "should" is a pet peeve of mine now ... it implies that you have already done something wrong. You know the "you should do this and you should do that" ... perhaps instead the word could would replace nicely.
So what is Regret ... the definition states to be disappointed, feel sorry about something or distressed; wishing something to be different than it is. Well, I am trying to learn from this current rant and understand my regrets from the past ... thinking that maybe not to regret anything, because at one time, that was what I wanted.
Going forward, no opportunities missed, no regrets, no boundaries, no fear.
And really if I think about it ... if I fill my heart with regrets from yesterday and worries of tomorrow, I have no today to be thankful for.