Thursday, August 2, 2012

" Hold On ... "

Hold on 
Hold on to yourself 
For this is gonna hurt like hell. 
Hold on 
Hold on to yourself. 
You know that only time can tell 
What is it in me that refuses to believe 
This isn't easier than the real thing ...
Am I in heaven here or 
Am I at the crossroads I am standing ...
That you'll be strong tomorrow 
And will see another day 
And we will praise it 
And love the light that brings a smile 
Across your face. 
~ Sarah McLachlan ~ Hold On ~ 
Well it’s been quite a ride ... a roller coaster ride that is.  Starting month 18 on the Gerson Therapy, I’ve been reflecting a great deal ... reflecting how this entire journey began.  Finding my dreaded lump, only to discover there was more than one.  Next came the chaos, and oh there was much of that ... inner chaos really.  On the outside, I may have been cool as a cucumber but on the inside all hell had broken loose.  And believe me, there are still days like that.  I wonder if they ever go away, regardless of an ailment, do we all experience this in some way?
Many feelings come up too, and not all positive.  There are dark feelings ... fear, anger, loneliness, hurt ... and resentment.  Aha, probably the biggest one of them all.
Perhaps one of the most destructive emotions that we are capable of feeling is resentment.  You know the famous quote “Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” From the moment I first heard that significant little statement, I laid claim to it as my own.
Whether valid or not, resentments case us to dwell on the betrayal we believe we have been subjected to.  Whether it was a hurtful gesture, or we believe that someone didn’t do what they should have, our reaction manifests like a cancer within.  Resentment takes over ... rent free in our head.  And if you are anything like me, prone to emotional eating, resentment creates the perfect storm for compulsive or unhealthy eating.  Hence my years and years of struggle with bulimia.
Refusing to forgive is a choice that keeps resentments alive.

We become self-righteous and our anger takes precedence over our desire for peace and serenity.  Hmmm ... don’t we ALL just want peace in our life?  Then how can we CHOSE to keep resentment alive?  Our need to be right becomes a stronghold, which negatively impacts us mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.
And I’ll admit, I am still working on letting go of the resentment in my life.  Just when I think I’m good, I get “triggered” and then take three steps back after taking two steps forward.  I know I am not alone so here are some tools I use to help me move through it ...
  • I ask if I am using resentment to recreate drama and what is my payoff for doing this?
  • I realize that I cannot control others and outcomes and those that have rejected me
  • I recognize that my resentments give me only illusions of strength and true strength and power is in forgiveness
  • I acknowledge my part in allowing the abuse and manipulation to occur and forgive myself for that
  • I practice forgiveness for what I can 
  • I practice deliberate forgetfulness when I can’t
  • I understand that that present day resentments are not to be confused with unresolved past resentments
  • I ask our higher power to release me from the bondage of resentment and guide me to a path toward letting go
  • I decide I am worth the freedom from destruction caused by harbored resentments and vow to take my serenity back
We all know people who are resentful their whole life.  They become bitter and the present passes them by.  Resentment is not only toxic it is intoxicating.  Hmmm, maybe we hold on to resentment because it gives us some control over the past?  Ironically, when we forgive, we have some say over what role those past events play in our present.
I have been told that our minds are like a magnifying glass.  Whatever you focus on will expand.  So I ask myself ... do I want to focus on resentment, or forgiveness?  And which one, do I believe, will ultimately make me feel and live better?

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