" Suffering ... "

“ ... Let's sit back and relax and get comfortable

Now close your eyes, now make it right

I've got my mind set at ease

Don't you know it's you why you're suffering?

You're why you're suffering

I've got my reasons to live

Don't you know it's you why you're suffering?

You're why you're suffering ... “

~ Rebelution ~ Suffering ~

***

This past weekend, I had the opportunity to participate in a transformational event ... the Medicine Buddha Empowerment and Healing Retreat.  Bright-eyed and curious, my beautiful girlfriends and I, received empowerment by our teacher, learned how to apply the teachings of the Medicine Guru ... and prayed and chanted and prayed and chanted and prayed and ...  The retreat in itself is what you make of it ... whether those who attended were there for relief from their own mental or physical illness, or their loved ones ... our intentions were pure and our faith was fed.

And when attending a three day session like this one, you hope that one, two or more little morsels of wisdom you hear will find a place somewhere within you.  Allowing you to take the time you need to process and see if it resonates within you.  The beauty is that these morsels pop up like little clouds of inspiration, just when you need them ... our inner voice, our inner sense, our inner knowing ... 

“ ... Tibetan doctors rely on Medicine Buddha for their healings. Regular practice with the Medicine Buddha also empowers one with powers to heal others. In China and Japan, Medicine Buddha is a refuge in times of illness. Around the world, literally millions call out the name or mantra of Bhaisajyaguru (भैषज्यगुरु). It is even written in the sutras that if you speak the name of the Medicine Buddha in the ears of a dying animal or human they will be ensured good rebirth regardless of their past karma ... “

From the Buddhists perspective, illness is part of life, not the cause of your death.  Those words in themselves, for me personally, were profound.  From my own journey it is about finding the courage ... with determination ... to make a breakthrough, and I fully understand that doesn’t mean I’ll be saved from death by cancer.  

Personally it is about having a constructive attitude.  Because the cancer in this body I call mine in this lifetime has provided a doorway to give thought about my death, and to reflect on my life thus far.  I am learning that by using the “suffering” of this ill-ness, I come face to face with some of the deepest issues of life ... and death.  

“ ... Aside from visualizing and mantra recitation, a common healing practice is to chant 108 of Medicine Buddha’s mantras over a glass of water. The chanter, preferably one who has chanted the mantra in regular practice, then blows on the water and offers it to a sick person. The empowered water has healing powers. The patient can also be requested to speak the name of the Buddha 108 times, or chant the mantra, or read the sutras, or just to gaze up on a loving picture of the Medicine Buddha. Many miraculous cures have been attributed to the Medicine Buddha. Tibetan doctors tend to begin each day with Medicine Buddha practice, and when making herbal medicines chant the Mantras while working to further empower their medicinal benefits ... “

When we think of suffering, we think we must stop it, it is bad, it is painful, it is harmful.  Yet what if we view suffering as a fuel of wisdom, opening the way to happiness.  So maybe illness and suffering isn’t all that bad ... said that blogger living with cancer, who has NOT lost her mind, not just yet anyhow ;)

Putting this into perspective, how you cope with your illness will determine how well you live your life.  Rather than making excuses for what you have been “diagnosed” with ... start with ACCEPTANCE.  When you begin to accept your illness, you open yourself up to seeing what’s really on your plate, a process which takes time.

Acceptance lives in the present moment.  Little by little as you accept your illness, what IS, you cope a little better.  And then that little better gets a little more better, and a little more better, and a little more better ...

Illness, like everything in life, changes.  Whatever new effect you are facing today, different from yesterday, stretches you and your ability to adapt.  And for those that believe, this is the ripening of your negative karma, the path to enlightenment.  Perhaps an uncomfortable subject for some, others, it gives it purpose, to understand why not this suffering is happening to me.

The wake up call ... the new lease on life ... the second chance ... 

Those that suffer, really suffer, reading this may laugh at the mere concept of seeing that suffering can be a blessing.  A karmic blessing.  Because they are conditioned to see what they see ... physical distortions, mental anguish and spiritual disarray.  What have you got to lose ... to change the anger, hatred and distress towards joy, peace and clarity.  Trust not just a dream, fully possible from what I experienced this past retreat.  You see, the outcome may be what is destined to be, but the journey can be embraced with gratitude, in each and every moment ... by deciding what this suffering means to you.

I express infinite gratitude for the 

realizations, transformations and blessings shared and received ...

Medicine Buddha mantra

Tayata Om Bekanze Bekanze 

Maha Bekanze Radza 

Sumudgate Soha

" New Realization ... "

The time has come to reach a new realization 'tween me and you
Time to clear the rumors, sensations, and things that just are untrue

Well I thought I heard you behind me with a knife straight for my back
It's quite clear that I'm back in the swing of living ...
You may hold some vision of truth, if truth can found in a lie
Maybe some grain of inspiration, for song that's deep inside

Oh, passions there for those who want to
Pay the price of loving you in more ways than one

A mind is a precious thing to taste

~ Sublime ~ New Realization ~ 

***

I remember when I was younger I always wanted to work in the health field.  I wanted to dedicate my life to helping others.  Yet those that know me, know that this is not where my career took me.  Instead, I followed the promises for great money, fame and fortune.  I was driven by greed and thought I would build my life first ... security, wealth, etc ... and then work on helping others later.

But just when I had it all figured out, life had other plans.

And so since this diagnosis, I have had countless realizations.  I try to share as many as I can in my writings, but I have also realized that some of the best things that happen to you, you just can’t put into words. 

Yet those you do share with are more special than the experience.  Because those special people stayed and didn’t fade away.  Because they didn’t drop out of your life.  Because they believed in you more now than before you got sick.  

So I’ve asked myself if there is room in my heart to have compassion 

for those who cannot face the ugliness of cancer?  

So I’ve asked myself how much anger can I have for those who fear my mortality?  

In the beginning, I dreaded the idea of being alone ... I felt that isolation was a type of punishment which affirmed why I got cancer.  I felt abandoned.  And that fear of the possibility of being left behind in childhood, started to manifest.

And then ... clarity ... the way life was unfolding, the way relations were changing, the way life was expanding and contracting ... THIS exact space and time was were the healing would begin.  
It was the source.  And it only required me.  

real lies... realize ... real eyes

I started to notice a difference.  Again hard to put into words.  I just  stopped feeling like a victim.  My inner voice spoke to me saying “if you created this, you can heal it.  It didn’t matter what any ONE believed.  It didn’t matter.  Those words like abandonment & loneliness, which stemmed from my fear, started being replaced with forgiveness & love all around.

I knew I had to let go of the anger, the jealousy, the guilt and the shame ... 

I knew I had to let go of the chaos, drama and expectations ...

I knew I had to let go of them ...

www.walkstrong.ca

" With or Without You ... "

Through the storm we reach the shore

You give it all but I want more

And I'm waiting for you ...

And you give yourself away

And you give yourself away ...

My hands are tied

My body bruised

she's got me with

Nothing to win

Nothing left to lose

With or without you

With or without you

I can't live

With or without you

~ U2 ~ With or Without You ~

***

Yesterday I was blessed to speak with a dear friend of ours.  Charlie.  Russell and I met Charlie and his wife Mary Alice at the clinic last year.  And although it was brief, we shared a great deal with each other and have remained friends ever since.  It is nice knowing I can reach out to others, whom are on the Gerson Therapy, when I really need to.  Yesterday, I was one of those days.

Our conversation was full of many topics and one of them was about fear.  I shared with Charlie the emotional roller coaster I have been experiencing for the past few months.  Mainly triggered by physical healing reactions.  We both agreed that fear has only one purpose ... to debilitate you.  As I continue to share, Charlie keenly listened and then asked me a very direct question ... “what are you afraid of?”.  I really had to think about it.  What AM I afraid of?  I proceeded to answer in a round about way but finally quietly answered ... I am afraid to die.  You see, not many people talk openly about death.  And why would they ... are we not told if we focus on something it will happen?  But the reality is that if we face our fears, maybe we can work through them.  It is not as if I am inviting the concept ... I just plainly stated my fear around it.

Later in the day, I told Russell about my conversation ... and my fear.  Through heavy tears, I told him I feared getting worse not better, I feared becoming completely physically dependent, I feared the disappointment, suffering and pain I would cause him and my family if things didn’t work out.

Calmly, Russell talked to me about my spiritual beliefs around reincarnation ... he reminded me about my strong faith, and how it has carried me through this part of my journey.  Then he asked me to stop worrying about everyone else.  He asked me to focus on what I could do, in this life, for me.  He asked me to continue to share my gifts, my best.  He asked me to continue to live this life with him and enjoy what we have been blessed with.  He gave me perspective.  Perspective I needed.

Sometimes you need a bit more help than affirmations and meditations.  When you just need the allowance to admit your feelings, instead of ignoring them.  You cannot heal what you won’t confront.  I believe earthly angels come into our lives with a purpose ... perhaps to love and guide us when we lose our way, reminding us of the goodness we posses.  

The load feels a bit lighter today, thanks to Charlie and Russell.   

"Make That Connection ... "

"Oh what would I do...
I have this feeling...
It's never ever ever explained...
Yeah I'm afraid a part of my heart...
You know there's nothing I would not do...

I want to make that connection, that connection to you

I want to make that connection, that connection to you"

~ Tom Petty ~ Make That Connection ~

***

Relationships, friendships and other "connections" are dynamic.  Constantly changing.  Sometimes we handle the change, other times we welcome them, but most of the time it hits us up side the head and we are like ... what the heck was that?  Scratching your head you ask what do you do now, how do you handle it now and where do we go from here ... basically what does it "look" like ...

For me, my old patterns and habits were not very ahem ... mature.  In the past, when my relationships would change, I would immediately retreat back into my shell, and feel victimized.  And once I came out of my shell, watchout!  I was angry and wanted to hurt back to those who hurt first.  And I never gave it a thought that maybe they didn't hurt first?  Maybe they didn't really mean to make me feel left out, bad, sad, lonely, neglected and just not needed anymore?  Maybe, just maybe, it's not all about me ... LOL!  What? Really?  okay, okay just being a bit silly ... but seriously, we, and I mean the collective "we" usually think "we" have done something wrong.  And in some instances maybe we did.  

Now, with a different mindset, change is more satisfying.  And I use the changes I have endured in the this year as a template for change in other aspects of my life.  First, I take some time to myself, wrap my head around the situation and decide if, in a recent example, I still want this relationship in my life.  How important is it to me ... and when I listen to my heart, really listen, I KNOW my truth.  It is not a dependency, it is a true desire to have the person in my life.  That it is so worth the effort ~ I decide to reach out, reconnect and in some cases extend the olive branch ... making sure the olives are still on it!  I take responsibility of my own actions, not theirs.  Now, I express myself authentically.  I tell them I miss them.  I tell them I appreciate them.  I let them know I truly care and that I am okay with change.  Their change.  I accept them for who they are now and who they were.  I am there for them ...

So how does this all come about ... well here are a few mental notes help me to navigate gracefully ...

Relationships change happens to all of us ~ change happens every day, to everyone; it's the one constant in life, the thing that connects us all.  And when a relationship changes, it's natural to find it difficult. 

Something good will come ~ people who are good at relationship change always focus on the positive that will inevitably come from any transition.  Change may lead you to new people, help you develop a stronger faith and belief in yourself, give you new opportunities, or inspire you to live a healthier life. 

Turn to your change support team ~ One of the quickest ways to embrace change and move through it is to surround yourself with a team of supportive people.  These people are there to listen, support, and encourage you. They will keep you on a path of hope and optimism as you move through the transition.

Use your Spiritual strength ~ When everything is changing, it's important to find the part of yourself that doesn't change--your calm, centered, spiritual side, your higher self. It's the part that's connected to something greater and uses your intuition as a guide.

Accept change and take action ~ Go in the direction life is taking you and focus on re-aligning yourself with a plan of optimism on the future and not the past, with or without that relationship.  Make a plan that feels right, realistic and hopeful ~ something that resonates with YOU.

There is an opportunity to have some clearing, a new perspective ... for some to start over, others a "re-do".  A new friendship, a new relationship ... that has evolved to meet you both where you are today that is newly defined, mutually serving and with a fulfilling purpose.

"Hello Fall ..."

"Hello Fall, my new old friend
Found me here again
Hello Fall, from green to red (mellow)
Push me higher, did you go anywhere as well
Spaceman he flied
I heard sirens, I felt the signs
Hieroglyphics in my mind"

~ Lord Jungalee ~ Hello Fall ~
***

Today is the first day of Fall or Autumnal Equinox 2011 in the Northern hemisphere.  The stars and planets line up for the change of seasons.  And, I always love this time of year.  This is the time of year Russell and I married, and it reminds of that amazing time 10 years ago.

For some  it is a reminder to renew ourselves, and many of us relate this to starting school, programs, courses, detox and healthy lifestyles.  It is a great time to set new intentions too.  For some a do over, for others a fresh start.

So what exactly is an equinox?  An equinox is an astronomical event, which dates back to our ancestors and their ability to build the first observatories to track the suns progress.  It is when the days and nights are equal in time.  It is the time of harvest and the gateway to autumn.  As our earth is in transition and those changes will be seen in the days to come ... leaves changing from green to red.

And we can benefit from this transition as a type of healing during this equinox.  In this moment, we can chose to calm our minds and listen to the heartbeat of the earth.  And regardless if you hear anything, we will receive a profound feeling of being here.  When we allow ourselves that shift we have the opportunity to bring more of our attention, focus and energy into the here and now ~ an amazing body and spirit connection.  You see from an intuitive perspective we too are in transition, and it serves us to take the time to rebalance and restore for our body, mind and spirit.  Deep inner reflection with the simple idea of finding your center and standing your ground ~ search for enlightened truth.

Like a chapter in a book, this equinox is full of intrigue, adventure and healing if we allow it.  By taking part in the purification, detoxification and allowing the healing to soothe, we can embrace the joy and real empowerment gifted to us.

" Circle of Life ... "

"Some of us fall by the wayside
And some of us soar to the stars 

And some of us sail through our troubles
And some have to live with the scars
In the circle of life
It's the wheel of fortune
It's the leap of faith
It's the band of hope
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the circle, the circle of life"

~ Elton John ~ Circle of Life ~
***

Well I guess it's been almost one full week since we last connected on this blog.  And in the last week, a great deal has transpired.  We have been sending healing prayers to Paul and his family whom I wrote about last week.  And they are working.  Paul has been inspired by the love and energy he is receiving and is fighting back.  Truly a miracle is happening in front of our very own eyes and we are more than thrilled to witness this amazing time.  We continue to send powerful healing prayers, blessings and energy knowing in our hearts He is listening and answering.

As well this week, there has been an emotional roller coaster ride of events happen .... Besides Paul's gentle recovery as mentioned, we had a good friend of ours, Karen, become a first time Grandma to baby Sienna.  We had another couple friend of ours planning their wedding festivities, and then we just found out that another friend of ours whom we were blessed to meet in Tijuana passed away.  Yes, an emotional ride is an understatement.  What is has done is drain my energy ... I have not been this exhausted in a very long time.  Probably because of the opposing emotions ~ sorrow and joy, pain and comfort, suffering and compassion, and weakness and strength.  All the things I wrote about last week.  We were hoping that there would just be illumination for a while, with darkness leaving us.  Only brightness and sunny days ahead ... But the reality is that this is truly the circle of life: birth and death. 

There are miracles that do happen as well.  I firmly believe our time is up with He needs us.  I use to believe that our destiny is written ... but what I do feel now is that we can negotiate ... ask for more time, be given another chance.  And, if He can do without for a while, then well, we re-write that destiny.  How that is decided, is unknown and some may read this and think .... ah, o-kay, surrrrrrrrre or what-ever.  And hey to each their own.  But for me, this is how I make sense of all this.  

It is an emotional time, a trying time, a real test.  I write a fair bit about personal journey, following our own path, believing we heal individually ... but I have not written about miracles.  And truly living and breathing human beings are miracles.  Miracles are when your friend is close to walking thru heavens doors and instead is inspired to fight, negotiate and re-write his destiny.  Miracles are when a precious baby is born out of love and shares her happiness with just her presence on our Earth.  Miracles are when a friend passes on, leaving an impact on her family and friends much further than she may have realized when she was alive.  Miracles are when two people find true love.  Miracles are the circle of life.  

As obvious as it may seem for some, there are times when things just click, make sense and you have an A-HA! moment.  This week, there has been many of them.  Life just carries on, and it must carry on.  You see, we can mourn and celebrate in the same moment.  And really, life presents those moments to us in those ways for a reason.  What that reason is ... well, still working on that.  But I know in my heart, there are blessings around every corner, in every place ... in every BODY.  

And maybe this circle of life is also a circle of healing ... an opportunity for growth ... and opportunity to create the world we wish to live in versus fight the world we are currently in.  This is what I choose to take from this last week ... emotionally charged but as I sit here on Sunday night blogging my thoughts, I have a sense of peace, solace and a tad bit more understanding of the concept of the circle of life.

"There is a well of infinity hidden within each Soul. 

There you will find an incredible energy source, 

beyond your broadest understanding. 

It is Light and Healing. The Force of Nature. The essence of Love"