" Carry You ... "

Lay down your burden I will carry you

I will carry you my child, my child

Lay down your burden I will carry you

I will carry you my child, my child

Cause I can walk on water...

Calm a restless sea

I've done a thousand things you've never done

And I'm really watching

While you struggle on your way

Call on my name, Ill come

~ Amy Grant ~ Carry You ~

***

Yesterday was an interesting day ... my parents are a 10 minute walk away and I decided to venture towards their direction in the afternoon as my mood was anxious, panicked and all around blah.  I guess I needed some parental TLC.  So as soon as I reached their home, I burst into tears.  

Ridiculous, yes, embarrassing, of course, necessary, absolutely.  

At 43 years of age, I guess I still needed my parents to tell me it’s all going to be okay.  My parents were in the middle of sorting out things for their big dinner party that night, so I am sure I didn’t really add much.  Yet, they still made time, heard my fears and put me to ease as much as they could.  I curled up on their bed and just let myself be taken are of.

My restlessness doesn’t help either and lately, my headaches are back, intermittently, and they always freak me out.  So all in all, I haven’t been a barrel of laughs to be around.  But I still carry on.  I hate the dark thoughts that occupy my mind at times.  I hate the feeling of not being safe.  I hate the feeling of wondering what’s the next bad thing that’s going to happen ... 

But I have been so lucky to have people to carry me on.  As mentioned many times before, Russell has been amazing.  He takes care of me and doesn’t complain.  Yet I know that he needs a break too ... and he won’t participate in my pity parties, he gives us space, so so wise.  And I have realized that I need to reach outside of the two of us and ask for support and help when I need it.  I guess that is what I did yesterday.  

I’ve been around my parents my whole life.  We have always lived in Calgary and in very close proximity.  I always felt that I needed to be close to them, to take care of them, to be there for them ... and I realize that I need them to take care of me too.  Especially now.  My parents brought us to Canada with very little and sacrificed a great deal for my sister and I, to have a good life, perhaps a better life than in India.  We owe a great deal to them.  We were provided for in every way including great education ... that is why it pains me to stress them with my problems.  I feel guilty pressuring them, I worry about their health as they worry about mine.  I guess a part of me feels I let them down and disappointed them once I was diagnosed.  I mean do they really need to deal with this?  Yet if you cannot share with your loved ones, who are you going to share with?  Believe me, like most families, we have quirks, but my parents presence brings me solace ... they are present, available and ready to deal with whatever comes our way.  

Remember I said the day was interesting?  Well it ended with my close friend inviting me to see the Mary Poppins production.  All I can say is it was super fun.  It brought me back to my youth as I had forgotten the story line.  Depending on what brought you to the show, there are always messages ... the main song Anything Can Happen was uplifting ... and of course who can forgot supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

I realized the whole day allowed me to feel like a child again ... happy, safe and carefree ... and regardless of what is to come, I know that there is an abundance of love and support around me.  I know I am never alone and that is something I can carry on within me.

" Hold On ... "

Hold on 

Hold on to yourself 

For this is gonna hurt like hell. 

Hold on 

Hold on to yourself. 

You know that only time can tell 

What is it in me that refuses to believe 

This isn't easier than the real thing ...

Am I in heaven here or 

Am I at the crossroads I am standing ...

That you'll be strong tomorrow 

And will see another day 

And we will praise it 

And love the light that brings a smile 

Across your face. 

~ Sarah McLachlan ~ Hold On ~ 

***

Well it’s been quite a ride ... a roller coaster ride that is.  Starting month 18 on the Gerson Therapy, I’ve been reflecting a great deal ... reflecting how this entire journey began.  Finding my dreaded lump, only to discover there was more than one.  Next came the chaos, and oh there was much of that ... inner chaos really.  On the outside, I may have been cool as a cucumber but on the inside all hell had broken loose.  And believe me, there are still days like that.  I wonder if they ever go away, regardless of an ailment, do we all experience this in some way?

Many feelings come up too, and not all positive.  There are dark feelings ... fear, anger, loneliness, hurt ... and resentment.  Aha, probably the biggest one of them all.

Perhaps one of the most destructive emotions that we are capable of feeling is resentment.  You know the famous quote “Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” From the moment I first heard that significant little statement, I laid claim to it as my own.

Whether valid or not, resentments case us to dwell on the betrayal we believe we have been subjected to.  Whether it was a hurtful gesture, or we believe that someone didn’t do what they should have, our reaction manifests like a cancer within.  Resentment takes over ... rent free in our head.  And if you are anything like me, prone to emotional eating, resentment creates the perfect storm for compulsive or unhealthy eating.  Hence my years and years of struggle with bulimia.

Refusing to forgive is a choice that keeps resentments alive.

We become self-righteous and our anger takes precedence over our desire for peace and serenity.  Hmmm ... don’t we ALL just want peace in our life?  Then how can we CHOSE to keep resentment alive?  Our need to be right becomes a stronghold, which negatively impacts us mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

And I’ll admit, I am still working on letting go of the resentment in my life.  Just when I think I’m good, I get “triggered” and then take three steps back after taking two steps forward.  I know I am not alone so here are some tools I use to help me move through it ...

• I ask if I am using resentment to recreate drama and what is my payoff for doing this?
• I realize that I cannot control others and outcomes and those that have rejected me
• I recognize that my resentments give me only illusions of strength and true strength and power is in forgiveness
• I acknowledge my part in allowing the abuse and manipulation to occur and forgive myself for that
• I practice forgiveness for what I can 
• I practice deliberate forgetfulness when I can’t
• I understand that that present day resentments are not to be confused with unresolved past resentments
• I ask our higher power to release me from the bondage of resentment and guide me to a path toward letting go
• I decide I am worth the freedom from destruction caused by harbored resentments and vow to take my serenity back

We all know people who are resentful their whole life.  They become bitter and the present passes them by.  Resentment is not only toxic it is intoxicating.  Hmmm, maybe we hold on to resentment because it gives us some control over the past?  Ironically, when we forgive, we have some say over what role those past events play in our present.

I have been told that our minds are like a magnifying glass.  Whatever you focus on will expand.  So I ask myself ... do I want to focus on resentment, or forgiveness?  And which one, do I believe, will ultimately make me feel and live better?