Saturday, November 12, 2011

" Ask ... "

" Shyness is nice, and
Shyness can stop you
From doing all the things in life
You'd like to
So, if there's something you'd like to try
If there's something you'd like to try
Ask Me, I won't say "No" - How Could I?"
~ The Smiths ~ Ask ~

I had another great week full of visits from some beautiful girlfriends ... time to connect and re-connect.  They took the time, made the effort and reached out.  Loved, supported and blessed ... Yet, if I am honest, during my Gerson journey, I haven't felt like that all the time.  It's not like it isn't around me, everyday, of course it is  ... but am I am open to receive it?  Ding, Ding, Ding ... yep a HUGE realization for me.  So, I shared this with one of my friends today and I was excited to find out that we had another thing in common ... we are both givers, and have a hard time asking.  Once we connected on this, we both agreed that we were sooooo ready to receive ~ emotionally and spiritually.  But how?

You see I have always been one to give, I love to give.  Just ask my lovelies how much I love birthdays, celebrations, gatherings and christmas.  Le sigh .... such fun gifting.  And with no expectations.  Yet I use to put so much effort into giving, leaving very little energy to asking.  So what I was receiving was not necessarily what I needed especially at that moment, when I needed it the most.  

What do I need, what do I want and how do I ask .... I know that some of you reading this can completely relate.  My head full of random thoughts, I started wondering why I had such a hard time "asking".  Specifically asking for help.  Recently someone said to me ... "oh you are so strong, you are going to get through this no problem ... I am not worried about you".  And instead of being elated by the vote of confidence, I cried.  Why?  Because at the moment, inside, I didn't feel that strong, and the inner child just wanted someone to say "I know this is hard, and I know that you can do this ... but I also know that sometimes you may think you can't ... those times, I am here for you".  

Now I have expressed to family and friends that I had an "emo" moment, and usually the response is, "why didn't you call me?" ... good question, why didn't I.  I guess because of programming.  Being brought up to not air your dirty laundry, because someone will use it against you one day .... or not to show your weakness, because someone will laugh at you ... and the truth is we all experience this.  But how damaged we are from this shapes our behaviour.  We have all been there when we have shared too much, felt a bit embarassed or humbled after the fact ... wondering, what that person will think of them.  But going back to being authentic, knowing your truth and lifting the disguise ... the key is choosing who you do this with.  

From experience, I realize that I use to ask for help in all the wrong places ... looking for assistance AND affirmation from persons that were so into themselves, that felt pity, not empathy, enjoyed the chaos instead of calming it down ... felt better when I felt worse.  And each time I got nothing, felt vulnerable and empty ... and hurt, I closed off ... deciding that "it's a cruel world" and I am not going to put myself out there .... but now I realize that I was asking from those that had nothing to give because they were only in the habit of taking, and taking more.  Energy suckers ... watch out!  there are loads of them ... and in the end, you miss out, depriving yourself.

So where do we go from here?  Well with awareness comes the opportunity to learn, change, to grow.  Wanting more out of my relationships, I am learning, once again ... to ask.  And realizing that asking is not the same as a burden.  Knowing that it is okay to ask from my treasured family and friends who are waiting in the wings to give.  Recognizing who is in it for the long haul, through this difficult time, who I can count on, and who wants nothing in return but for me to be around a wee bit longer.  

And, especially opening myself up to the blessings above ... asking above to give only what I can handle, and what I can gracefully deal with ... and helping me to create the space to be ready to receive.

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