" My body, my choice, my life, my death ... "

my body, my choice, my life, my death

Waking up this morning to the news of Jessica Ainscough passing away was heart breaking.  Jessica had survived a rare cancer diagnosis for 7 years.  At 22 years old, she was diagnosed with epithelioid sarcoma in her arm and shoulder.  Jess elected not to have an amputation and instead pursued the Gerson Therapy.  I was first introduced about Jess in 2011 while visiting the Gerson Clinic in Tijuana, Mexico.  I’ve been inspired by Jess through her motivational speaking, blogging and book, Make Peace With Your Plate. 

With this sad news circulating within social media, many are quick to voice their opinions on what should and should not have done.  And loads are voicing in on their view on “alternative treatment” and the quackery behind it ...

Yet what ever happened to leaving space and time for others to heal?  How important is it to share your view on what you think when a young woman has enough courage to stand her ground in the face of adversity?  Do the “I told you so” pundits feel vindicated?  Does it feel good to “predict” a young woman’s death years ago only to dig it up in a juicy article, slamming anything other than conventional treatment?  How do you know her death could have been “prevented” or she could have been “saved” if she was more “transparent” in her life?

my body, my choice, my life, my death

I find it curious when critics say that Jess’s choices were misguided, insane and selfish.  I find it curious when the same critics have NEVER walked in her shoes ... why not ask one of us who actually live with cancer how life really is?   

Jess was one of those who lived life fully despite what reality presented itself.  Death at a young age is only tragic when those who leave us have potential to do so much more.  And although Jess was only 30, the impact that this courageous woman has left in my life is beyond words.  Whether these words silence or arouse you, for me, Jessica Ainscough was an amazing health and wellness advocate.  Her courage, conviction and love for life was, and will continue to be, incredibly inspirational.  She was a powerful example of what trusting in yourself regardless of the possibilities is all about.  She lived for what she believed in ... 

my body, my choice, my life, my death

" Conscious ... "

“ Now, that I'm here

breaking my relationship with time and space

watching my life through the milky glasses of a window

now it all becomes so clear

If I had the opportunity to smell

the enchanted wind of a spring flower

I would take a deep breathe

to relax ... 

Now, that I'm here

breaking my relationship with time and space

watching my life through the clear glasses of a window

I get aware of the small things which are least the greatest

I left my life

my physical form of life behind

I realize my blunted and senseless way of life

I should have lived my life much more conscious “

~ Kai Tracid ~ Conscious ~ 

***

Most of our conscious choices originate from fear.  We limit ourselves in response to these underlying fears.  When an opportunity to do something outside of our comfort zone, we speak how amazing it would be to just “go for it”, yet we also tell ourselves that it would probably be best to just keep doing what we are doing.  We sabotage our growth into new directions and cultivate a sense of stagnation.

Could we be happier taking more risks?  

Could we gain some satisfaction in trying something new? ... 

When we find that the things we use to do, that gave us contentment, are no longer satisfying, it’s time to make that change.  There is a sense of transition, perhaps outgrowing the old.  And graciously we know that with new endings there are always new beginnings.  

Challenging your limiting beliefs is a great place to start.  Ask yourself if your choices are supporting your intentions or someone else’s expectations?  

Full of excitement and fear, eagerness and anxiety and every other emotion to fill in the gaps, when we make a conscious choice, we take a stand.  And sometimes the reactions and their residual effects creep in.  So, rather than allowing them to feed your self-doubt, consider them as signs along your path.  Use them as a tool for adjustment.  Consider them a blessing rather than a hurdle.

Choosing to live a conscious life is not something you do just once ... it is a way of living.  And thankfully, it is simply thinking about everything you do and say.  Because it matters.  

It is easy to live life on autopilot and do what we always do because that’s what we are use to doing.  Yet it is more fulfilling to live the life we have the potential to experience.  And that choice is always available to us.

www.walkstrong.ca

" The Grudge ... "

Wear the grudge like a crown of negativity

Calculate what we will or will not tolerate

Desperate to control all and everything

Unable to forgive your scarlet lettermen

Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.

Justify denials and grip 'em to the lonesome end.

Clutch it like a cornerstone. Otherwise it all comes down.

Terrified of being wrong. Ultimatum prison cell.

Give away the stone. Let the oceans take and

Transmutate this cold and fated anchor.

Give away the stone. Let the waters kiss and

Transmutate these leaden grudges into gold.

Let go ...

~ Tool ~ The Grudge ~ 

***

Recently during various conversations, I found myself saying within “ pick your evil “.  And with differing opinions, it made sense ... 

So what exactly was this in reference to?  In a nutshell, grudges.  Yeah, grudges, because I am learning that love, forgiveness and holding grudges work together.

... depending on your definition of a grudge that is ... 

Some will hold a bitter grudge against anyone who looks at them funny.  A full body grudge armour approach brought to a battle of one.  If you find yourself easily provoked into fury, seek help.  Yet, if you are aware of your mood, spiral down the vortex of negativity whenever you encounter a certain someone ... hold that grudge.

... a grudge can work for you rather than against you ... 

You see, if you acknowledge another’s foibles, you have the choice to keep yourself at a safe emotional distance from them ... because simply put, unless shown differently, they could mess up your life, again ... so, hold that grudge.

Perhaps we humans underestimate how hurt will affect us over time.  We tend to assume that the more painful injuries, the big ones, the ones committed by loved ones, will cause the most pain over time.  It seems that when our hurt is major, we find ways to reason ... yet when pain is minor, we boil and stew and stew and stew.

So if this whole concept doesn’t work for you, how do you decide who you forgive and who you don't?  why do you nurse grudges about small things, but forgive the big ones? ... and do you recognize a biased nature, supporting the those horrible actions seeking redemption, only to judge and jury another who merely littered in the street?

We owe it to ourselves to let go whatever it is that no longer serves us.  Trust yourself, the answers always lie within ... and I hear “ pick your evil “.

www.walkstrong.ca

" Responsible ... "

If for just a moment, you had to be responsible

For all the things you've said and done.

Would you sit back and relax or fasten all your safety belts?

Everybody's judgement comes.

Maybe in this moment you're feeling irresponsible

for all the things you've said and done.

"I am a wrecking ball, I've run the guillotine, 

and I blame everything just to keep my hands clean.

Maybe for a moment you need to feel responsible

for all the things you've said and done.

~ Cloud Cut ~ Responsible ~ 

***

So if no one is in charge of your happiness but you ... 

can you make yourself happy? ...

In the past, looking to others to boost your mood is a recipe for disaster.  Waiting for others to notice that you are down and expecting them to make you feel better.  You see, relying on others actually made me feel worse, because it was impossible for them to know what would make me feel good.  And even if they tried, it was never truly satisfying ... and conditionally on them, where you lose your own power.

Acceptance ... it was up to me to make my day and life better.  

And I had come to this realization but had no clue where to start or what to do.  

So I started by being still and listen.

I realized it was about taking responsibility ... because others had their own responsibilities, themselves, to be concerned with.  Figuring out what makes you feel good, what makes you smile again, requires honesty ... real honesty, with yourself, rather than blaming someone else.  Once you are able to make yourself feel better than you no longer need to wait for it ... you can create & enjoy it on your own.

I realized it was about listening to my needs ... too many times of waking up in a funk, feeling tired, down, and just plain blah.  So I asked ... what would make me feel better now ... and I wait for the response in stillness where it presents itself.  By asking the question and then listening to what you need means you not only devote your energy in the moment to caring for yourself but also start to trust that you’ll be able to take care of yourself consistently, no matter what is happening around you. 

I realized it was about being grateful for what I have ... because what makes me think I would be happier with having more?  Practicing gratitude helps to shift your mood, helps to get you unstuck and simply gives you a new perspective on whatever it is that is consuming your life.  

We have the choice to live in the world, each day, as we wish.  We can either be dragged along with it or take responsibility for how it unfolds.  Make the commitment, take the time and turn making yourself happy a daily practice of self- care, because frankly, it is YOUR responsibility to bear.

www.walkstrong.ca

" It Is What It Is ... "

It is what it is 

I don’t know what to call it (don’t know what to call it) 

‘Cause I’m feelin’ something else (I’m feeling something else) 

It is what it is (what it is) 

Just don’t let yourself get caught up (aww girl) 

When it’s really something else (yeah, yeah

Take it to the bridge ...

I'm not saying that two wrongs can make it right 

It ain’t too late for us to try (yeah) 

Do we put back together 

Or we say goodbye? (ha) ...

~ Usher ~ It Is What It Is ~ 

***

“It is what it is ... a phrase that shows no sign of tiring.  Similar to what’s done is done, boys will be boys and that was then and this is now.  Sounds familiar right?  Most either personally have used these expressions or know people who do.  

So what does it actually mean?  Well according to the infinite dictionaries, the definition is “this thing has it’s own distinct nature, this thing is itself .... this circumstance is simply a fact and must be accepted or dealt with as it exists”.  

Yet could "It is what it is” also be a way of expressing philosophical resignation over a disappointment, of saying that the situation just has to be put up with.   But do you have to put up with it?

Simply put, life constantly presents us choices ... we can choice to accept things the way they are OR we can believe that “it is not what it is, it is what you make of it”.  

If you accept reality as it is, you end your suffering ... and your present moment is all you have.  What you do in this moment will determine what will happen in the next and so on ... Perhaps in how it is defined, but for me it is a lot more hopeful to make the choice for change.  If I don’t like my reality as it is, I need to change the present moment so that my next moment reflect what I truly want.  Yes, easier said than done.  Because it is super easy to say accept things the way they are AND decide nothing will change.  The funny thing is, if you open you mind to the possibilities, your brain won’t fall out ...

So you get to decide ... is it what it is or is it what you what you make of it ... but while you are trying to figure that one out, make sure you ask yourself, what IT really is?

" Blame ... "

When you're willing to render 

To the guilt you concede 

When truth is your reason 

Then lay that blame on me 

When you unveil a conscience 

And with peace you agree 

When love is your constant 

Then lay that blame on me ...

Question your answers 

Truth has no anger 

Gather up your words 

Redemption now offered

~ Collective Soul ~ Blame ~

***

Raise your hand if you played victim today and placed blame for your circumstances ... c’mon we all do it and we do it often.  Why? ... because it allows us to feel like life is controlling us instead of us controlling life ... because it really buys us time before we are ready to take responsibility for our lives.

But before we take “response - ability” we have to understand the difference between control and influence.  For example, you can influence a loved ones decision but you cannot control their ultimate choice.  

When we take too much responsibility, we tend to blame ourselves when things go wrong.  And we also tend to not take credit when things work out well.  It is crucial to understand where personal responsibility lies and the ability to do something about it.  

...

Use what does or does not happen in your life as a “tool” 

for moving through obstacles, providing motivation and taking positive action

...

I am learning to stop trying to punish myself or others for what appears to be mistakes 

... 

I am learning to focus my energy on realistic solutions instead 

...

Recently I read that there is a “six-step process” for dissolving blame:

• How am I blaming myself or others for what is happening in my life?
• Could I welcome whatever thoughts or feelings that brings up inside of me?
• Could I let that go?
• Would I let that go?
• When?
• Can I let go of wanting to blame myself or others for what happens and love what is as best I can?

Oddly, our minds may resist letting go of blame because we don’t want to let anyone off the hook.  Yet we all know that holding onto blame leads to the same patterns and suffering.

The idea is to live beyond blame.  

This means replacing “fault” with “action” or taking responsibility while letting go of blame.  You will find that taking appropriate steps from moment to moment, allows life to simply unfold as it does.  This frees up all that energy you have been using ... simply by un clutching, letting go and allowing.  We can then look for the highest good and create that in our lives and in the lives of others in our world, truly taking “response-ability”, beyond blame.

" Another Year Has Gone By ... "

I know you can still remember
Things we said right from the start
When we said that this could be special
I'm keeping those words deep down in my heart

Another year has gone by
And I'm still the one by your side
After everything that's gone by
There's still no one saying goodbye
Though another year has gone by

~ Celine Dion ~ Another Year Has Gone By ~
***

Another year has gone by and I can’t help but wonder how the heck did I get this far?Did I think I would make it, no.  But here I am.  Year two of GT.

I guess I could write about the pounds of carrots and greens we juice, or the pounds of potatoes we eat, or the number of coffee enemas, or ... but instead, I think I’d rather write about who I am today.

Looking back at two years ago, I don’t recognize that person anymore.  Yes, on the outside, I look a bit different.  But what is so cool is on the inside, I feel like a whole other person.  Hopefully kinder and more loving than before.  Hopefully a better me with what I choose now ...

if you constantly compete with others, you become bitter...

but if you constantly compete with yourself, you become better ॐ

For me ... 
I choose to take responsibility of my life.  If I want change, it is up to me to do it and no one else.  I stopped blaming other people and external conditions.  I choose to make room for growth as well, and this starts in my mind.  I have to believe in myself that I can grow and make the changes I want ... aiming to be the best that I can.  I choose to have realistic expectations, because it takes time.  

I choose to extract lessons from my experience.  Trying to keep my eyes open and grab every possible learning opportunity from challenging moments.  I choose to write about my journey to share with others who may find themselves in similar state.  I choose to build consistent habits such as prayer, meditation, playing music, reading and yoga to help my growth.  I choose to feed my mind with daily uplifting thoughts because my input determines my output.  I choose to have people in my world that are provide positivity, unconditional love, encourage me, act as a source of energy and inspire me.

Becoming a better person is a real process, something that doesn’t happen overnight.  What I realize is that it is important to grow every day, because growth provides progress ... so I choose to be a work in progress ... and yes, Happy 2nd Birthday to me !

" Choices ... "

I've had choices

Since the day that I was born

There were voices

That told me right from wrong

If I had listened

No I wouldn't be here today

Living and dying

With the choices I made

I guess I'm payin'

For the things that I have done

If I could go back

Oh, Lord knows I'd run

But I'm still losin'

This game of life I play

Living and dying

With the choices I made

~ George Jones ~ Choices ~

***

Do you believe you are capable of making the right decision?  Do you feel confident and at peace with your choices?  And are you comfortable making mistakes?  

Tough questions ... but the truth is once we have made a decision we need to learn to be at good with it.  Not long ago I faced making a difficult decision.  My treatment plan.  I spent days and weeks worrying over the decision.  And I there are times I still wonder if I made the right decision.  At the time, I knew what I thought was the right thing to do ... but I wasn’t sure.  And I am not sure I could ever be.  How do you know what works unless you try it ... but at the cost of your life?

I have read that no decision is set in stone and if tomorrow we find out that a decision was disastrous we can go back and sort out the consequences.  But what if it’s too late and those consequences are irreversible?

I guess the real question to ask yourself is “Are you willing to live with the worse case scenario?”  Because it is not about how unpopular you may become with this choice but if the decision still feels right despite the consequences.  

Reflecting back, I l did look at other possible decisions but none of them felt right to me.  I had to be at peace with it and quit worrying over it as it was the best decision I could make in the circumstances at that time.  Generally we do the best we can at the time ... we move on and live with it.

So why the second guessing then?  Hello inner critic.  I believe that unhealthy inner criticism is born of perfectionism and trying to live up to other people’s expectations.  We experience harsh judgement of ourselves when we don’t accept ourselves as we are.  Just think how toxic it is when you have been berated by others until you believe what they said about you or you compare yourself to someone else.

When our inner voice is no longer acting as an objective voice of reason, we feel discouraged instead of challenged.  And when our inner dialogue turns from honest and humble to minimizing and belittling, we have a problem.

So how do you make peace with your inner critic?  We can start by focusing on our actions and not our results.  This is a real tough one for me.  You see my inner critic has been focusing on the outcome over the action, understandably.  But you learn and grow by doing ... and judging the results of your efforts keeps you from trying.  I keep having to remind myself to celebrate the accomplishments of my efforts instead of the outcome.

Basically, there are times you just have to push through the fear and criticism in your head because getting your mental “chatterbox” to simmer down is challenging.  Seriously it will never run out of material.  

So I am trying to look for ways to turn my inner critic into my inner guide.  I am trying to let go of what doesn’t serve and cultivate what does ... and then know it, embrace it, love it and let it melt into the whole of me.   Hopefully then I can be more at peace with my choices because with you know better you do better.