Thursday, August 7, 2014

" New Realization ... "

The time has come to reach a new realization 'tween me and you
Time to clear the rumors, sensations, and things that just are untrue
Well I thought I heard you behind me with a knife straight for my back
It's quite clear that I'm back in the swing of living ...
You may hold some vision of truth, if truth can found in a lie
Maybe some grain of inspiration, for song that's deep inside
Oh, passions there for those who want to
Pay the price of loving you in more ways than one
A mind is a precious thing to taste
~ Sublime ~ New Realization

I remember when I was younger I always wanted to work in the health field.  I wanted to dedicate my life to helping others.  Yet those that know me, know that this is not where my career took me.  Instead, I followed the promises for great money, fame and fortune.  I was driven by greed and thought I would build my life first ... security, wealth, etc ... and then work on helping others later.
But just when I had it all figured out, life had other plans.

And so since this diagnosis, I have had countless realizations.  I try to share as many as I can in my writings, but I have also realized that some of the best things that happen to you, you just can’t put into words. 

Yet those you do share with are more special than the experience.  Because those special people stayed and didn’t fade away.  Because they didn’t drop out of your life.  Because they believed in you more now than before you got sick.  

So I’ve asked myself if there is room in my heart to have compassion 
for those who cannot face the ugliness of cancer?  

So I’ve asked myself how much anger can I have for those who fear my mortality?  

In the beginning, I dreaded the idea of being alone ... I felt that isolation was a type of punishment which affirmed why I got cancer.  I felt abandoned.  And that fear of the possibility of being left behind in childhood, started to manifest.

And then ... clarity ... the way life was unfolding, the way relations were changing, the way life was expanding and contracting ... THIS exact space and time was were the healing would begin.  
It was the source.  And it only required me.  

real lies... realize ... real eyes

I started to notice a difference.  Again hard to put into words.  I just  stopped feeling like a victim.  My inner voice spoke to me saying “if you created this, you can heal it.  It didn’t matter what any ONE believed.  It didn’t matter.  Those words like abandonment & loneliness, which stemmed from my fear, started being replaced with forgiveness & love all around.

I knew I had to let go of the anger, the jealousy, the guilt and the shame ... 
I knew I had to let go of the chaos, drama and expectations ...
I knew I had to let go of them ...

No comments:

Post a Comment