" Pause ... "

“ ... As the world bears down on my shoulders

I find the fear doesn't subside ... 

I don't know how I've lasted this long

I wish to pause this moment

'Cause as I cry I start to realize ... 

You give me strength

You take away my fear

There was a void in my heart that only you could fill ... “

~ Kjwan ~ Pause ~

Ever observe the reaction of people when you tell them you meditate.  Just take notice ... either they are curious, stay clear of you ... or think you may just be a flake.  

Regardless, mindfulness has changed the way I live.  

Just three years ago, I was in the middle of the intense Gerson Therapy, working hard to rebuild my body and get healthy.  My practitioner spoke to me about meditation.  I remember my response ... oh yes, I meditate already ... yup, total and complete bullshit.  I was operating from a level of conditioning  that I no longer strive for.  

A basic quietness, practiced for minutes in a day ... to help cope, deal and manage life.  At the deepest level available.  A connection within.  Listening to your higher self.  

I still get anxious, I still get scared, but I am aware of this new level of training.  Helping me become present, centered and more mindful than imagined.  

With such a glowing review, you would think that the meditation bandwagon would be full.  Not so much.  From believing that meditation isn’t for “me”, not having enough time, expectation to “clear the mind” of thoughts, reach nirvana and having to “do” meditation ... what we resist the most, we simply need the most.  

In the beginning, the idea of sitting in silence, doing nothing was terrifying.  I told my teacher that I could not observe my thoughts.  The ones that were dark and full of despair.  My teacher told me that those were the ones I would learn the most from.  Three plus years later ... it is still an enormous process.

Mindfulness isn’t for the hippies and tree hugger only.  Or for certain races or types of people.  It isn’t in your DNA or you have to be “good at it”.  It is about trying.  Our monkey minds will distract, destroy and delete information.  Yet with the use of breath work, visualizations and mantras, you notice your thoughts, without judgement and ... stillness arises.  The pauses between the thoughts become greater.  

And in that pause ... PEACE ~ CLARITY ~ CALM ... 

Forget the candles, chant, hums and incense.  

Pause and quiet the mind.

www.walkstrong.ca

" Wake up ... "

Movements come and movements go

Leaders speak, movements cease

When their heads are flown

'Cause all these punks

Got bullets in their heads

Departments of police, the judges, the feds

Networks at work, keepin' people calm

You know they went after King

When he spoke out on Vietnam

He turned the power to the have-nots

And then came the shot

Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!

Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!

~ Rage Against The Machine ~ Wake Up ~

***

Those moments when you were awake enough but hit the snooze button anyways.  Those moments when you pushed away precious opportunities.  Those moments when you were actually postponing your life.  Those moments.

We all have those moments.  Some are on purpose, others unintentionally, yet we identify with them.  Time when we didn’t take action because we were afraid ... we told ourselves weren’t enough.  And we build on those moments.  We sabotage ourselves, we get in the way and we ignore all the signs.  Until ... (roll the music) ... THE wake up call.  

There is a great deal of casual talk about wake up calls.  What it is and whether or not you’ve had yours.  I saw casual talk because in some circles, it seems to as frequent as ordering a daily latte.  I use to wonder how come all these people say they are having wake up calls but they’re behavior stays the same.  Well, I can honestly say that I’ve had mine.  And albeit loud and clear, I’ll admit, I still have a habit of hitting that snooze button ... when it isn’t convenient or simply because I am paralyzed with fear.

Prior to my diagnosis, I would say no to opportunities that pushed me out of my comfort zone.  Afterwards, I struggled with the idea that I could start living this life fully, regardless of the cancer in my body.  Yet I knew that this moment was designed for a purpose.  I’ve reflected on how one moment, one event,  has changed my entire world.  There has been great pain and enormous sadness, that I couldn’t just push away.  I had to accept that life was happening through me.  It wasn’t something to escape.  I started to lean into that moment of extreme grief which brought extreme clarity.  I knew that I needed to make a drastic change, that my life wasn’t over ... yet, and I had to stop acting like it was.  I had to start to care, about me, I had to start living for me because reflecting back, I think I was just giving up.

we don’t have to wait until your wake up call 

becomes a full blown alarm.

We are aware of the many things that are happening in the world that appear to be unfair, yet when we wake up, we become aware of all the beautiful things.  Without the ugly, we would never know the beautiful ... and beauty is in the eye of the beholder anyhow.  

are you running on your autopilot or inner pilot

I am learning that going through the pain is a necessary part of moving into a space of joy.  Wake up calls help us to experience the full spectrum of emotions, not just the ones we feel we can control.  The last few years have been some of the hardest moments that I have ever experience, but they have also been the most beautiful moments.  I am no longer okay with postponing life.  Maybe because I don’t know how the real plans for this dis-ease.  I realize I have no control, so I am learning that living consciously is about taking control of my life.  It is about thinking about my decisions rather than making them without thought, about having a life that I want rather than settling for the one that befalls me.  

Awareness is the enemy of sanity, 

for once you hear the screaming, it never stops

-- Emilie Autumn

www.walkstrong.ca

" The Difference ... "

“ … The only difference

That I see

Is you are exactly the same

As you used to be

… With bow and arrow

And the artificial heart … 

Made of dishonour

He loaded the cannon 

With a jealous appetite … 

You always said that you needed some

But you always had more, more than anyone … “

~ The Wildflowers ~ The Difference ~

***

A great deal of information is available regarding meditation and mindfulness.  Yet do most truly understand the relationship between the two?

Mindfulness is paying attention to the present moment on purpose and non-judgemental.    Meditation is an application of mindfulness for a specific period of time.  When we take on the practice of meditation, we focus.  This focus could be an aspect of breathing, such as the sensation of our breath at the tip of the nostrils or visualizations techniques.  

Hence, meditation is the application of mindfulness to a specific object for a specific period of time.  And while we can be committed to our practice, the real benefits are in the moments we spend not meditating.  It allows us to manage with the chaos of life with greater focus, along with the benefits of inner peace, spontaneity and equanimity.  

When asking others what is meditation, varied answers will follow.  Meditation can be an infinite different things, including prayer, chanting and stillness … 

Yet mindfulness is more concise … paying attention in a particular way, on purpose, in the present moment, with no judgement.  Mindfulness is available, always, in the present moment, the only moment we have … 

Mindfulness meditation originates from an ancient Buddhist meditation technique …

A recent study showed that after an eight week course of mindfulness practice, the brain’s fight or flight centre, the amygdala, appears to shrink.  

This primal region of the brain, associated with fear and emotion, is involved in the initiation of the body’s response to stress.  As the amygdala shrinks, the pre-frontal cortex – associated with higher order brain functions such as awareness, concentration and decision-making becomes thicker.  

The “functional connectivity” between these regions – i.e. how often they are activated together – also changes. The connection between the amygdala and the rest of the brain gets weaker, while the connections between areas associated with attention and concentration get stronger.  

In other words, our more primal responses to stress seem to be superseded by more thoughtful ones.

Personally, my zen practice has helped to lessen the abusiveness of stimulation, the stress and pain associated with cancer.  I have been learning how to refrain from engaging in though process that magnifies the pain.  The process is simple, the practice is challenging.  But it’s worth noting that the change in perception can be permanent … just don’t give up.  

Mindfulness meditation takes commitment and devotion to your practice.  And it is more than those moments of stillness … it is who you are in those other moments of life.  Meditation allows you to detach from your thoughts, which manifest into feelings.  As the observer, you can ask how and what rather than why.  

Eventually, no matter what kind of thoughts come up, you have the opportunity to be critically honest with yourself.  How true can you be with yourself is a great question to ask.  

No matter how wild or bizarre your thoughts, mindful meditation guides you back to breath, back to the here and now.  The gift within each meditation session is the journey of discovery to understand the basic truth of who we are.  

“The masters say if you create an auspicious condition in your body and your environment then meditation and realization will automatically arise.”

- Sogyal Rinpoche

www.walkstrong.ca

" Suffering ... "

“ ... Let's sit back and relax and get comfortable

Now close your eyes, now make it right

I've got my mind set at ease

Don't you know it's you why you're suffering?

You're why you're suffering

I've got my reasons to live

Don't you know it's you why you're suffering?

You're why you're suffering ... “

~ Rebelution ~ Suffering ~

***

This past weekend, I had the opportunity to participate in a transformational event ... the Medicine Buddha Empowerment and Healing Retreat.  Bright-eyed and curious, my beautiful girlfriends and I, received empowerment by our teacher, learned how to apply the teachings of the Medicine Guru ... and prayed and chanted and prayed and chanted and prayed and ...  The retreat in itself is what you make of it ... whether those who attended were there for relief from their own mental or physical illness, or their loved ones ... our intentions were pure and our faith was fed.

And when attending a three day session like this one, you hope that one, two or more little morsels of wisdom you hear will find a place somewhere within you.  Allowing you to take the time you need to process and see if it resonates within you.  The beauty is that these morsels pop up like little clouds of inspiration, just when you need them ... our inner voice, our inner sense, our inner knowing ... 

“ ... Tibetan doctors rely on Medicine Buddha for their healings. Regular practice with the Medicine Buddha also empowers one with powers to heal others. In China and Japan, Medicine Buddha is a refuge in times of illness. Around the world, literally millions call out the name or mantra of Bhaisajyaguru (भैषज्यगुरु). It is even written in the sutras that if you speak the name of the Medicine Buddha in the ears of a dying animal or human they will be ensured good rebirth regardless of their past karma ... “

From the Buddhists perspective, illness is part of life, not the cause of your death.  Those words in themselves, for me personally, were profound.  From my own journey it is about finding the courage ... with determination ... to make a breakthrough, and I fully understand that doesn’t mean I’ll be saved from death by cancer.  

Personally it is about having a constructive attitude.  Because the cancer in this body I call mine in this lifetime has provided a doorway to give thought about my death, and to reflect on my life thus far.  I am learning that by using the “suffering” of this ill-ness, I come face to face with some of the deepest issues of life ... and death.  

“ ... Aside from visualizing and mantra recitation, a common healing practice is to chant 108 of Medicine Buddha’s mantras over a glass of water. The chanter, preferably one who has chanted the mantra in regular practice, then blows on the water and offers it to a sick person. The empowered water has healing powers. The patient can also be requested to speak the name of the Buddha 108 times, or chant the mantra, or read the sutras, or just to gaze up on a loving picture of the Medicine Buddha. Many miraculous cures have been attributed to the Medicine Buddha. Tibetan doctors tend to begin each day with Medicine Buddha practice, and when making herbal medicines chant the Mantras while working to further empower their medicinal benefits ... “

When we think of suffering, we think we must stop it, it is bad, it is painful, it is harmful.  Yet what if we view suffering as a fuel of wisdom, opening the way to happiness.  So maybe illness and suffering isn’t all that bad ... said that blogger living with cancer, who has NOT lost her mind, not just yet anyhow ;)

Putting this into perspective, how you cope with your illness will determine how well you live your life.  Rather than making excuses for what you have been “diagnosed” with ... start with ACCEPTANCE.  When you begin to accept your illness, you open yourself up to seeing what’s really on your plate, a process which takes time.

Acceptance lives in the present moment.  Little by little as you accept your illness, what IS, you cope a little better.  And then that little better gets a little more better, and a little more better, and a little more better ...

Illness, like everything in life, changes.  Whatever new effect you are facing today, different from yesterday, stretches you and your ability to adapt.  And for those that believe, this is the ripening of your negative karma, the path to enlightenment.  Perhaps an uncomfortable subject for some, others, it gives it purpose, to understand why not this suffering is happening to me.

The wake up call ... the new lease on life ... the second chance ... 

Those that suffer, really suffer, reading this may laugh at the mere concept of seeing that suffering can be a blessing.  A karmic blessing.  Because they are conditioned to see what they see ... physical distortions, mental anguish and spiritual disarray.  What have you got to lose ... to change the anger, hatred and distress towards joy, peace and clarity.  Trust not just a dream, fully possible from what I experienced this past retreat.  You see, the outcome may be what is destined to be, but the journey can be embraced with gratitude, in each and every moment ... by deciding what this suffering means to you.

I express infinite gratitude for the 

realizations, transformations and blessings shared and received ...

Medicine Buddha mantra

Tayata Om Bekanze Bekanze 

Maha Bekanze Radza 

Sumudgate Soha

" New Realization ... "

The time has come to reach a new realization 'tween me and you
Time to clear the rumors, sensations, and things that just are untrue

Well I thought I heard you behind me with a knife straight for my back
It's quite clear that I'm back in the swing of living ...
You may hold some vision of truth, if truth can found in a lie
Maybe some grain of inspiration, for song that's deep inside

Oh, passions there for those who want to
Pay the price of loving you in more ways than one

A mind is a precious thing to taste

~ Sublime ~ New Realization ~ 

***

I remember when I was younger I always wanted to work in the health field.  I wanted to dedicate my life to helping others.  Yet those that know me, know that this is not where my career took me.  Instead, I followed the promises for great money, fame and fortune.  I was driven by greed and thought I would build my life first ... security, wealth, etc ... and then work on helping others later.

But just when I had it all figured out, life had other plans.

And so since this diagnosis, I have had countless realizations.  I try to share as many as I can in my writings, but I have also realized that some of the best things that happen to you, you just can’t put into words. 

Yet those you do share with are more special than the experience.  Because those special people stayed and didn’t fade away.  Because they didn’t drop out of your life.  Because they believed in you more now than before you got sick.  

So I’ve asked myself if there is room in my heart to have compassion 

for those who cannot face the ugliness of cancer?  

So I’ve asked myself how much anger can I have for those who fear my mortality?  

In the beginning, I dreaded the idea of being alone ... I felt that isolation was a type of punishment which affirmed why I got cancer.  I felt abandoned.  And that fear of the possibility of being left behind in childhood, started to manifest.

And then ... clarity ... the way life was unfolding, the way relations were changing, the way life was expanding and contracting ... THIS exact space and time was were the healing would begin.  
It was the source.  And it only required me.  

real lies... realize ... real eyes

I started to notice a difference.  Again hard to put into words.  I just  stopped feeling like a victim.  My inner voice spoke to me saying “if you created this, you can heal it.  It didn’t matter what any ONE believed.  It didn’t matter.  Those words like abandonment & loneliness, which stemmed from my fear, started being replaced with forgiveness & love all around.

I knew I had to let go of the anger, the jealousy, the guilt and the shame ... 

I knew I had to let go of the chaos, drama and expectations ...

I knew I had to let go of them ...

www.walkstrong.ca

" Close To Me ... "

I've waited hours for this,

I've made myself so sick,

I wish I'd stayed asleep today 

I never thought this day would end,

I never thought tonight could ever be

This close to me ...

But if I had your face,

Then I could make it safe and clean 

If only I was sure,

That my head on the door,

Was a dream

~ The Cure ~ Close To Me ~

***

Gifts come in all shapes and sizes.  And yesterday I received one that would have been very hard to wrap but also one of the most beautiful by far.  Yesterday I gifted with a healing meditation ...

Initially my flight reaction set in and I had visions of an intervention happening with my ego hoping to latch on to whatever it could to control the situation.  But then something amazing happened ... I completely and fully opened myself up to all possibilities.  The intentions were pure, compassionate, loving and supportive.  The intentions were to help relieve the cause of the suffering and not the cause of the illness.  One in the same, perhaps.

The environment was about acceptance to what is & surrender to what is ... 

There are beliefs saying the root of illness is in the mind or consciousness.  Hence by tending to the mind and clearing it of any disturbances, the recovery speeds up.  Meditation is the key to control emotional pollution ...

Personally I was beyond words when my meditation class and teacher expressed how they saw this as a gift, they were honored and felt privileged to take part in the healing.  I was the one that was the recipient and they were the gifter?  Yet within our practice, some of the techniques we learn were being applied ... with no expectations.  

The gift is in the giving ...

Words cannot even begin to describe the beautiful experience that occurred ... powerful yet terrifying ... vulnerable yet protected ... flight yet guided ...

healing healing healing healing healing healing healing healing ...

So so much gratitude for how many blessings I am surrounded by.  Life is perfect as it is, as it is it should be.  

ॐ Namaste ॐ