Wednesday, May 23, 2012

" No Boundaries ... "

Seconds, hours, so many days
You know what you want but how long can you wait?
Every moment lasts forever
When you feel you lost your way
And what if my chances were already gone?
Started believing that I could be wrong
But you give me one good reason
To fight and never walk away ...
Just when you think the road is going nowhere
Just when you almost gave up on your dreams
They take you by the hand and show you that you can ...
Yeah! There are no boundaries
There are no boundaries!
~ Kris Allen ~ No Boundaries ~
I’ve been reading Deepak Chopra’s awesome new book, Spiritual Solutions.  Yet as fascinating his work is, I must admit it is extremely deep.  I usually have to read and re-read sections to understand his points.  There is a section in this book where Deepak answers letters ranging from health issues to relationship concerns.  One in particular got me thinking ~ Enabling Behaviours.
So what is to enable?  “In the true sense of the word, to enable is to supply with the means, knowledge, or opportunity to be or do something -- to make feasible or possible.”  Therefore enabling means something positive because it is our natural instinct to reach out and help someone we love when they are down or having problems.
Yet there is a fuzzy boundary between helping and enabling.  How so?
Well, when you help someone you are doing something that they cannot do for themselves ... but, if they can and still keep asking you and you are going out of your way to do it for them, then you are enabling them to be dependent on you.  Hence, when a person is capable, and their responsibilities are handled for them all the time, they are not being responsible.
Enabling prevents consequences, regardless of what they are.
So how do you stop enabling?  Enforcing boundaries is a good start ... draw the line when you need to and consider the following tips: 

  • Do not lie for anyone
  • Do not make excuses for others for not keeping their obligations
  • Stand up for your self, but don’t say anything that you don’t mean
  • Stop trying to fix others. Work on yourself
If you are quick to create a context in which another person can play out their script, you may trust too easily, have a poor sense of your own value and seek validation through your actions.  Ouch!  
Yet as harsh as that may sound, It is important to maintain one’s sense of oneself and place in the world within the context of our connections.  Relationships are not about compromise, they are about cooperation.  By definition, the enabling relationship is all about compromise - specifically, the compromise of self.  The attitude of cooperation and balance promotes mutual respect.  
So be vigilant about how much you are investing of yourselves in a relationship ... and honestly as if that investment is feeding you or bleeding you.

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