" No Boundaries ... "

Seconds, hours, so many days

You know what you want but how long can you wait?

Every moment lasts forever

When you feel you lost your way

And what if my chances were already gone?

Started believing that I could be wrong

But you give me one good reason

To fight and never walk away ...

Just when you think the road is going nowhere

Just when you almost gave up on your dreams

They take you by the hand and show you that you can ...

Yeah! There are no boundaries

There are no boundaries!

~ Kris Allen ~ No Boundaries ~

***

I’ve been reading Deepak Chopra’s awesome new book, Spiritual Solutions.  Yet as fascinating his work is, I must admit it is extremely deep.  I usually have to read and re-read sections to understand his points.  There is a section in this book where Deepak answers letters ranging from health issues to relationship concerns.  One in particular got me thinking ~ Enabling Behaviours.

So what is to enable?  “In the true sense of the word, to enable is to supply with the means, knowledge, or opportunity to be or do something -- to make feasible or possible.”  Therefore enabling means something positive because it is our natural instinct to reach out and help someone we love when they are down or having problems.

Yet there is a fuzzy boundary between helping and enabling.  How so?

Well, when you help someone you are doing something that they cannot do for themselves ... but, if they can and still keep asking you and you are going out of your way to do it for them, then you are enabling them to be dependent on you.  Hence, when a person is capable, and their responsibilities are handled for them all the time, they are not being responsible.

Enabling prevents consequences, regardless of what they are.

So how do you stop enabling?  Enforcing boundaries is a good start ... draw the line when you need to and consider the following tips: 

• Do not lie for anyone
• Do not make excuses for others for not keeping their obligations
• Stand up for your self, but don’t say anything that you don’t mean
• Stop trying to fix others. Work on yourself

If you are quick to create a context in which another person can play out their script, you may trust too easily, have a poor sense of your own value and seek validation through your actions.  Ouch!  

Yet as harsh as that may sound, It is important to maintain one’s sense of oneself and place in the world within the context of our connections.  Relationships are not about compromise, they are about cooperation.  By definition, the enabling relationship is all about compromise - specifically, the compromise of self.  The attitude of cooperation and balance promotes mutual respect.  

So be vigilant about how much you are investing of yourselves in a relationship ... and honestly as if that investment is feeding you or bleeding you.

" I Love Myself Today ... "

I’ll stand right up

Spit shine my soul

I’m gonna be proud

And loud and outta control

I love myself today

Not like yesterday

I’m cool, I’m calm

I’m gonna be ok, uh huh

~ Bif Naked ~ I Love Myself Today ~

***

I have always loved this song and artist, very cool lyrics and vibe.  And I thought it was appropriate for this blog ... Narcissists ... (triggered after witnessing an interaction at our community coffee shop this am) ...

So what is a narcissist?  Well the term “narcissism” comes from the Greek mytology character called “Narcissus” who fell in love with his own reflection while gazing into a pool of water.  Narcissists are people who have an obsessive interest in well, themselves ... consumed with their physical appearance and have a very grandiose opinion of their own abilities, craving attention and admiration as highly self-centered people ... 
* Le sigh, yes we all have known someone ...

And dealing with people who have narcissist personalities is challenging as they may appear charming, they make other be dependent on their approval.  If boundaries are not set and reinforced, a narcissist can be extremely draining.

But a person can be selfish or argumentative, but that doesn’t make them a narcissist.  To have a narcissistic-personality disorder means a person has a chronic pattern of irregular thinking and behaviours in various situations.

So how can you tell the difference?  Well narcissists lack empathy for others.  They have an exaggerated sense of entitlement and expect people to do favours for them rather than them being concerned about others.  Also, envy is a common sign ... they are jealous of the achievements of others, dominate conversations and exaggerate their own accomplishments and importance.  To a narcissist, appearance is more important than inner qualities such as integrity.  Plus bragging about power and wealth helps to boost their low self-esteem, regardless of whether the narcissist is actually wealthy or is lying about their economic status. 

So where does all this come from?  In reality, narcissists feel inferior so they develop a superiority complex to combat feeling less than others. This usually involves an exaggeration of the narcissist’s own accomplishments, while putting down others viewed as threats.  Narcissism occurs as a result of a gap between one’s ideal self and real self ... leading to a person developing defense devices for defending their ego.

So how do you deal with a narcissists?  

• Set boundaries and decide the amount of approval to give a narcissist ... for example, how long to listen to them talk about themselves.  If it goes on too long, politely change the subject or make an excuse to leave the conversation.

• Avoid arguments. Forget trying to win an argument with a narcissist. Instead, steer a conversation in an peaceful direction.

• End the relationship. When involved in a relationship with a narcissist, it’s important to know when to leave. It is vital to care of yourself, realizing the narcissistic has a mental illness and what they say should not be taken personally.

“When science finally locates the center of the universe, 

some people will be surprised to learn they’re not it” ~ B. Bailey