" Self-Absorbed ... "

Follow your voice don't be blinded by fools. 

Their tales are misleading without purity or goals.

 I prefer my own presence. 

Therefore I close my door. I'm better of self absorbed.

I rise above all the shadows from the past. 

I let the threes grow around me.

I am no longer blinded by compassion. 

A new vision has risen to my attraction.

No longer I seek. I've found what I need. I've ended my search I have found myself.

~ Ulcus ~ Self Absorbed ~

***

I would guess that most of us either are, were, know or knew someone that was “self-absorbed”.  Just think back to the environment ... feeling, emotions, actions ...

So it made me think, what is the difference between selfish and self-absorbed, is there one?  And does this have any connection with self-loathing ... yeah that seems like a contradiction but read on.

I think ... 

self absorbed should be used to describe people who are consistently preoccupied with their own thoughts & interests. 

selfish should be used to label people who care only for themselves and their interests, benefits and welfare and behave in a calculated way.

Sounds the same right ... same cause and effect but if you look at the why someone is ruled by self-interest then you see a difference.  

You see people who cannot override the impulse to think intensely about themselves are generally the type that are prone to heavy introspection and self analysis.  And when people spend this unbalanced amount of mental energy, they generally have very little left for others and tend to give the feelings of others less consideration when making decisions.

The result is that they may come off as having acted selfishly when they cause isn’t necessarily malicious because they may not even be aware of it.

But isn’t selfish a term for people who are actively conscious of the dispositions, opinions or feelings of others in a situation and STILL act in ways that benefit only themselves?

Oh yeah and self-loathing?  I remember reading that self-loathing people focus on something else they value more than themselves ... that something is others opinion of them.  Hence they will be so self-absorbed in their self-worth crisis that they will instinctively try to manipulate people into giving validation.  This is how you can focus on yourself through others.

Yikes, what a slippery slope.  Because the problem with letting others define your value is it is so damaging.  And the negative feedback you receive carries a lot more weight than the positive ... because you’d already like yourself if you believed the positive feedback.

Okay so if you relate to any of the above perhaps a change would do you good.  First you have to get it and then believe it ... and if that doesn’t work, lead with action and change your mindset.  When you admire qualities in others, work on bringing them into your life.  Respect yourself enough to invest in yourself.  

Selfish, self-absorbed or self-loathing ... well I think these are hats we wear throughout our lives pending the circumstances and situation we are faced with ... 

SO a good start is instead of looking for validation, look to make a positive difference in others’ lives, because it is so satisfying when you do.  

" No Boundaries ... "

Seconds, hours, so many days

You know what you want but how long can you wait?

Every moment lasts forever

When you feel you lost your way

And what if my chances were already gone?

Started believing that I could be wrong

But you give me one good reason

To fight and never walk away ...

Just when you think the road is going nowhere

Just when you almost gave up on your dreams

They take you by the hand and show you that you can ...

Yeah! There are no boundaries

There are no boundaries!

~ Kris Allen ~ No Boundaries ~

***

I’ve been reading Deepak Chopra’s awesome new book, Spiritual Solutions.  Yet as fascinating his work is, I must admit it is extremely deep.  I usually have to read and re-read sections to understand his points.  There is a section in this book where Deepak answers letters ranging from health issues to relationship concerns.  One in particular got me thinking ~ Enabling Behaviours.

So what is to enable?  “In the true sense of the word, to enable is to supply with the means, knowledge, or opportunity to be or do something -- to make feasible or possible.”  Therefore enabling means something positive because it is our natural instinct to reach out and help someone we love when they are down or having problems.

Yet there is a fuzzy boundary between helping and enabling.  How so?

Well, when you help someone you are doing something that they cannot do for themselves ... but, if they can and still keep asking you and you are going out of your way to do it for them, then you are enabling them to be dependent on you.  Hence, when a person is capable, and their responsibilities are handled for them all the time, they are not being responsible.

Enabling prevents consequences, regardless of what they are.

So how do you stop enabling?  Enforcing boundaries is a good start ... draw the line when you need to and consider the following tips: 

• Do not lie for anyone
• Do not make excuses for others for not keeping their obligations
• Stand up for your self, but don’t say anything that you don’t mean
• Stop trying to fix others. Work on yourself

If you are quick to create a context in which another person can play out their script, you may trust too easily, have a poor sense of your own value and seek validation through your actions.  Ouch!  

Yet as harsh as that may sound, It is important to maintain one’s sense of oneself and place in the world within the context of our connections.  Relationships are not about compromise, they are about cooperation.  By definition, the enabling relationship is all about compromise - specifically, the compromise of self.  The attitude of cooperation and balance promotes mutual respect.  

So be vigilant about how much you are investing of yourselves in a relationship ... and honestly as if that investment is feeding you or bleeding you.