"I guess I'm learning I must be warmer now I'll soon be turning Round the corner now Outside the dawn is breaking But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free The show must go on The show must go on, yeah yeah"
~ Queen ~ The Show Must Go On ~ ***
On Friday, I had to get my evening juices and treatments organized, sorted it out and be ready for pick by Miss J, bandmate and close friend. We had a gig scheduled at the Powderhorn Saloon in Bragg Creek. All day, I was buzzing about the gig, more so to be able to get out and socialize! I wasn't nervous, first time ever, I guess considering what else has been going on, this felt manageable ... and I was excited.
It was a beautiful drive out to the mountains as the sun was setting. Once we got to the pub, Russell had already unloaded most of the gear and was in set-up mode. We usually all go together, but with my intense schedule, he went early and did most of the work. It was a full house, and it was nice to see friends in the crowd ~ Karen and Joe, Ray and Karen, Rita and Dave, Sofia, and Tim.
The place was hyped up. There was a competition to crown the King and Queen of the saloon. It was ... WILD. Drunk people everywhere and they were eager to hear us play. We had been out there last June and they wanted us back. After minor adjustments and a change of stage clothing, we were ready. Now usually we have our set list planned and we play songs back to back. This time, there were a lot of interruptions - blowing the breaker, drunks filtering on and off the stage ... but like usual style, we go with the flow. It was awesome to see everyone having a good time, carefree and just living in the present. Funny though, I think the part that shocked a few was the bikini competition ... yep, it was WILD!
We had a great show considering our last gig was New Years Eve. At that time, we were just waiting on the diagnosis. I realized on friday that a lot has happened and happened fast. But I also realized that I enjoy playing music, being on stage and entertaining. I am a lot more comfortable in my skin now. I am at peace with myself. It was interesting too, as some of the friends were happy to be there, but looked a bit uncomfortable not knowing what to say. That was okay, it is a tough time for anyone affected by this, I understand. And for myself, I was so happy that night, and I realized because my cheeks were hurting ... from smiling so much!! Now that is a good type of pain.
As I always write, this has been the greatest challenge of my life. Yet I feel that with the darkness there comes light, and this illumination is around the corner. Last week was a week of low energy for me. But what I realized is that it is a clearing for me, the fear, the tears, and the sadness is all part of my journey to wellness. Another friend of mine told me that when she was going through this, she didn't have time to die and she had no fear. I understand this, I have too much I want to do, to much I want to live for. I want to sing more, I want to play more and I want to live more.
I read a beautiful quote which seemed quite fitting ... "Suffering is not enough. Life is both dreadful and wonderful...How can I smile when I am filled with so much sorrow? It is natural--you need to smile to your sorrow because you are more than your sorrow." ~Thich Nhat Hanh