" Apathy ... "

“ You want to look at the edge of madness

Just to see to see

You want to find what you're missing out on ... 

Now you're bend on the edge of blindness

What you trying to see?

You want to walk with a sould of darkness ...

But stepping on those coals

You get those blisters on your feel 

Well, don't you come here wasting my time ...

Can't there be some other way

Can't we make you stay

In apathy? ...

Don't you feel it all the love?

As below and so above

Apathy “

~ Tea Party ~ Apathy ~ 

***

Sometimes it isn’t about trust or lack of communication, it is simply apathy.  Apathy is a lack of feeling, emotion, interest, and concern.  It is a state of indifference, or the suppression of emotions such as concern, excitement, motivation and passion.  When one has an absence of interest in or concern about emotional, social, spiritual, or physical life, they are called perfunctoriness or apathetic.

Consider ... we are born into the world knowing and thinking nothing.  It could be said that we are purely made up of experiences and happenings.  We become a product of our inherited environment and the condition of those before us.  We develop habits, beliefs and somehow manage to live in a society full of others in a meaningful way.

Our conditioning shapes our experience ... and without this awareness we would never know the freedom of living without it.  

Then perhaps the problem isn’t the conditioning but the anger it generates.  We are often overcome by anger which clouds our judgement.  We need a relief or a way out.  And sometimes we convince ourselves that apathy is the answer.  

... our attachment to detachment ...

Apathy is build from pseudo-confidence because it is born out of fear and the pain of rejection and regret.  Love does not thrive in a state of apathy.  It is a state of hopelessness that echoes with thoughts of “what does it matter? why bother trying anymore?”.   Apathy simply removes the will to exert any more energy or care any longer about the outcome.

when they’ve given up on emotion entirely ...

when they feel nothing towards you ... 

When autopilot mode kicks in and there is indifference towards one another, it is hard for a relationship to survive.  And because there are no arguments, everything may seem okay on the surface.  Yet, it is simply a perfect illusion that you have silently agreed to live in that manner.  When we close ourselves down in a relationship, we’ve shut off caring, growth, learning and our life.  

Silently consider the indifference in your relationships and reflect on your responses ... and if that relationship matters to you, you may want to consider you hear.

www.walkstrong.ca

" Self-Righteous ... "

“ Everyone is so self righteous

Where have you sinners gone?

All you sinners

What's ours is ours

And we're all alone

It's just a shower

And then I feel you breathe

And I let go of the hours

And I feel your skin

Again and again

I feel the hours

Sliding by

Get up on your own now

Way up all alone now “

~ Third Eye Blind ~ Self Righteous ~

***

Filled with indignation about the behaviour of others ... Worked up, frustrated and angry ... so what’s this all about?  ... Self-righteous.

When you are filled with or show conviction of being morally superior or more righteous than others ... also known as smug ... you are being self-righteous, plain and simple.  You don’t agree, fair enough ... but it is about feeling superior to someone else.  And if you think that you are NOT one of those people ... think back to the last time you were driving.  Yes, that is righteous indignation.  I mean who the hell do they think they are to cut ME off.  What a loser, and we must honk our horn loud and long so that others can see how bad they really are.  Yes, that is righteous indignation.

So if you are still unsure if someone or YOU are sitting in self-righteous indignation, check your dialogue.  Are you hearing words like right, fair or should?  And if we are truly honest, we recognize that makes people with low self esteem feel good.  Because there is a feeling of being RIGHT.  By pointing out the errors of someone else, we are attempting to position ourselves as better than them.  

Honesty is one thing, self-righteousness is another ... 

regardless, we can always be kind

When you think your life sucks, you are the most susceptible to this behaviour because by finding someone you believe to be less than or worse than ourselves and condemning them, you manage to feel some sort of superiority.  You become judge and jury.  Hence, the first step is to recognize that you possess a guilty pattern of self-righteousness.  The next step is to minimize it or eliminate it ... and here as some thoughts ...

• rather than deciding on what people should be doing, look at what they are doing and decide how to react AKA Accept What IS
• examine your motives and ask why? AKA are you projecting?
• tap into your feelings and examine the effects it has on your present life AKA how much energy and time will you dedicate to this?

It is hard to admit that you may have identify with this.  And you don't have to, out loud that is.  But there is also realization that self-righteousness comes at a high cost because if you can only bring yourself up by putting others down, there is some soul searching required.  Deep within, your higher self, spirit, knows better ...

The hardest people to reach with the love of God are not the bad people ... they know they are bad ... they have no defense ... the hardest ones to win for God are the self-righteous people ~ Charles L Allen

www.walkstrong.ca

" Temper Temper ... "

This time you'd better bite your tongue
Think twice before you open that mouth
Take a breath, hold it in your lungs
Being from rage, will it overcome?

I feel the tension rising high
I feel a hump down in my chest
Nothing is strange, I see in red
Can't hold it back
Here comes my...

Temper temper, time to explode
Feels good when I lose control
Temper temper, time to explode
Chamber's empty, time to reload

~ Bullet For My Valentine ~ Temper Temper ~

***

So you think that temper tantrums only apply to children?  Well I just proved otherwise ... today.  Yeah, not a proud moment I might add.  Downright embarrassing to be honest.  And I know that I am not alone ... 

You see as a child when I threw a tantrum, my Mother wouldn’t wait patiently until I calmed down.  She would confront me upfront and in a stern, no nonsense voice of imposing authority, inform me that there was no way she was going to up with my drama act.  I could scream, stomp and even body-slam fits of rage, she would have none of it.  And I love her for it.  Because she knew, as a toddler, I wasn’t a master in effectively communicating my feelings or solving problems.

Sure needed that no nonsense tone today ...

Okay, rather than beating myself up for the entire day, I get that anger manifests when the demands we place on ourselves, others or on the world are not being met to our expectations.  So the question is ... are my expectations realistic and fair?  

We are conditioned by society to believe that we should have what we want when we want it, that we deserve only the best and should not deny ourselves, and that we shouldn't have to work hard to obtain possessions, success, health, or love.  So we carry on with life, trying to find quick fixes for every possible need.  And when life doesn’t go as planned (almost always), our inner child may ... ahem, bloom.

So I check my ego and ask ... do I consider myself more important than others (no) ... do I feel my rights trump yours (no) ... are my needs greater than the other person at this moment (no) ... 

darn, sadly no excuse for bad behaviour ... i’m sorry

I am realizing that when we are denied what we are seeking, personal and spiritual growth have a chance, because it enables us to prioritize what is really important.

I know better ... I have better tools ... I know I can learn from this ...

Do no harm ...

Letting your raw emotions out is important so they won’t leak into the rest of your life ... as long as you project to an inanimate object.  Dealing with anger effectively, in the moment, is golden.  The key is finding a safer way to deal with it,  allowing a full release, without making an a$$ in the process.

www.walkstrong.ca

" Quiet … "

There's not a sound 

Outside the snow's coming down 

And somehow I can't seem to find 

The quiet inside my mind 

3:02 

The space in this room 

Has turned on me 

And all my fears have cornered me here 

The volume's down 

Blue lights are dancing around 

And still, I can't seem to find 

The quiet inside my mind 

~ John Mayer ~ Quiet ~

***

Say something authentic rather than something impressive.  Good advice ... probably needed on regular basis ... but hard to practice.  Think about it how much humans loves to hear themselves talk and talk ...

Sometimes its best to stay quiet ...

...Silence can speak volumes without ever saying a word

Blogs ... Instagram ... Facebook ... Twitter ... Pinterest ... Vimeo ... the list goes on in a way we can “communicate” with each other, yet do we really feel heard, acknowledged or received?  Guilty of performing a monologue, I have learned to keep my mouth shut and my ears open ... yeah, even with a blog (where do you think all the thoughts come from?).  You learn a great deal about people, life and really the world when you get out of your head, your own way and allow life to just happen with minimal resistance.

"Never miss a good chance to shut up"

~ Will Rogers ~

I recently read that “Effective communication is when we reach an understanding after a well-placed pause ... when we step back and listen to others and ourselves.  And it about having the ability to recognize when we are talking too much and listening too little ... which erodes the depth and importance of conversations.”

I feel It is not about being reserved or passive ... it is about being actively silent, by choice.  And with intention, we can choose to approach moments with practice patience and silence ... 

Moments of anger

where our mouth moves faster than our brain, making a bad situation worse.  

Moments of void

where there is temptation to fill the silence rather than allowing space to simply process the information 

Moments of rightness

where we take a stand and argue its virtues  without consideration of another perspective

Moments of ignorance

where we don’t really know much about the topic but feel we need to contribute to look intelligent

In theory, this rocks ... but in practice it is so so hard.  Yet once we get away from a more self-indulgent response, we can then slowly begin to say something authentic rather than something impressive …

" How Long … "

I heard your voice through a photograph
I thought it up and brought up the past
Once you know you can never go back
I gotta take it on the other side...

Century's are what it meant to me
A cemetery where i marry the sea
A stranger thing that never changed my mind
I gotta take it on the other side
I gotta take it on take it on...

How long, how long will I slide
Separate my side ...

~ Red Hot Chili Peppers ~ How Long ~

***

From a place of honestly, ask yourself how long you hold on to grudges?  Rather than speak of how it is important to let go, move on and release ... maybe we need to understand how love, forgiveness and holding grudges support each other.

Most grudges stress us out, wreak havoc on our bodies, inhibit release of anger and taxes our immune system ... 

So how can a grudge work for you?  Well, this depends on the type of grudge.  You see some people will hold a bitter grudge against anyone who looks at them funny.  A full plate armour response to a playful slap.  But the problem is that you may use up all your negative energy before you have a real battle to endure.  So if you are in a constant rage, then there may be other underlying issues you may want to consider.  Otherwise, if you mood dips once in a while when it comes to that certain someone, than maybe holding a grudge is a good thing.

So can a grudge be good?  Yes ... because it is an acknowledgement of another person’s behaviour which keeps you at a safe emotional distance from people who mess with your head.  

And can a grudge be bad?  Yes ... because it can be used as a crutch, excuse or reason to hold on, to express anger, resentment, and blame someone else.

If you are not here, where are you ... grudge-holding is a relic from our caveman days, when people relied on each other for survival and remembering who slighted whom was crucial for success.  

Looking for resolution ... the key is to figure out what’s making you dwell on the issue in the first place and recognizing its negative effects.  Because in whatever form forgiveness comes, remember that it’s not the same as forgetting, which is something that might never happen. The memory can last, but if you’ve truly forgiven someone, its ties to residual anger should be severed leaving no room for grudges ...

" Guilty ... "

I swear to tell the truth

The whole truth and nothing but the truth

I said

Right hand high, tell a lie ...

Lets go

Right hand to the sky

Strike me down if I lie ...

Should have let me be

I'm balling against the law shorty go on arrest me then ...

Tired of your little games, I take the blame

I did it, guilty.

~ Usher ~ Guilty ~

***

We can be sure that there is nothing we can do to change the past.  Life is all about making decisions, taking risks and remembering what doesn’t work ... in our attempt to find out what does.  So why then do we continue to dwell on our mistakes, feel guilty so that we can feel guilty?

Well it seems that each generation has taken on guilt and then passed it down to their children.  Humans have used guilt for behaviour modification, punishment and revenge.  Guilt is so much a part of our culture, like a plague, causing pain, suffering and despair.  

Life doesn’t run smoothly and we don’t live in a perfect world ... combine that with not accepting reality.  We hope for a better change to how things should be, only to constantly disappointed.  Acceptance breeds understanding and not guilt.

Guilt is a foreign substance that tags along on our emotions like an infection.  And therefore doesn’t allow the natural flow to occur within us.  We feel the feeling and then it’s gone ... leaving a space for another ... but with guilt, we get stuck and hurt.  

Anger without guilt feels like power ...

Fear without guilt feels like anticipation ...

Remember a good conscience does not depend on guilt but rather on a self-assured sense of what is right and wrong.  Guilt erodes conscience by degrading self-esteem and even causing self-hatred.  Guilt makes us feel obliged to prove just how bad we are.  

Think back to a situation that makes you feel guilty and now realistically look at the situation you were in at the time, how much you knew, your circumstances, your state of health and ask if you could have done things any better ... because when you know better you do better.

And if someone is using their own insecurities to make you feel guilty, ask if they are justified ... no one is perfect so accept and work with the imperfections rather than pretending they don’t exist.

“When it is in us, it is guilt. When it is in someone else, it is blame. Guilt we feel impossible to own ourselves becomes blame when it is projected out onto another ... “

Real healing comes when guilt is confronted and removed ... releasing the judgements that confine us.  We are here to learn, trial and error, a part of growing and evolving.  Believe mistakes are feedback.

“The secret is simply to decide again ... 

take back your original judgement, 

change your mind, un-decide, un-judge ...”

Every choice we make is valid when used as a learning experience.  So when you release judgement you are free to decide again about how you will feel and act in a similar situation ... and you are free to let go of what was and look forward to what can be.

" Angry ... "

So scream you, out from behind the bitter ache

Heavy on the memory, you need most

Still want love, ugly, smooth and delicate

Not without affection, not alone

And instead of wishing that it would get better

Man you're seeing that you just get angrier

And it's good that I'm not angry

I just need to get over

I'm not angry, anymore

~ Matchbox 20 ~ Angry ~

***

Is it okay to feel angry?  Yes, because anger is a useful emotion.  It gives us feedback that something has happened ... our boundaries have been crossed or we have been violated in some way.  When we feel anger, we are more likely to do something about it .... the trick is to step back from the anger and make a rational decision about what you are going to do.  Yeah, easier said than done right?

You see, when we are in a state of emotional arousal, we don’t necessarily make the best decisions.  Our reasoning conscious mind can let our subconscious mind take control ... and our fight/flight response kicks in.  Why?  Because our brains treat any threats in the same manner ... we feel rage or fear, regardless of the situation.

Anger is a craving or grasping of beliefs around ourselves.  It is a normal emotion that all human beings feel, like sorrow and happiness.  Think about it ... from a young age, we feel anger ... like a newborn turning red and crying with a little twisted face or a two year old throws a temper tantrum.  It is obvious that they are experiencing intense anger and that they have not yet learned to manage their anger.  Sadly, many adults have never learned to manage their anger either.  They may not behave in quite the same manner as the two year old, but still harmful to self.

So is it better to express or suppress these emotions?  Studies have shown that people who are shy and non-assertive, have a greater prevalence of tumours than other personality types ... because shyness is associated with suppressing of emotions, particularly negative ones, like anger, resentment and bitterness.  Holding onto these emotions can literally eat away at you.  Now that doesn’t mean that every shy person will develop cancer, but it is definitely something to consider. 

My opinion?  Express yourself ... constructively.  Because life is energy in play and the more free flowing the energy is the more vibrant you feel.  Pockets of energy which are suppressed, or “held”, within you become sources of resistance to the free flow of your life expression.  They tend to lose their power over you and their ability to cause harm.

Realization: Forgiving is not about ‘giving’ something to the person who has wronged you.  It is about ‘giving’ yourself the permission to release the burden of carrying those emotions.

Learning to channel your feelings into words or actions that are not hurtful, positive and healthy will unburden you .... because managing anger destructively is actually allowing your anger to manage you. 

" Not This Time ... "

I don't know why I give in, but I do every time.

And here I am wondering why I did it again.

To keep me going,

To keep the shit away.

I don't know what it is,

But every time you're near, I fear you,

But not this time...

~ Kate Bush ~ Not This Time ~

***

There are times when we take on too many commitments and simply spread ourselves too thin.  Creating stress as we are unable to get anything done, at least not well or on time.  There comes a time when you just have to say no ... not this time.  

The Gentle Art of Saying No ~ an art that many people have problems with.

So what’s so hard about saying no?  Well, first it can hurt, anger or disappoint the person it is directed to.  And it’s is not usually a fun thing to do.  Second, if you hope to continue to have a good relationship with that person, saying “no” in the wrong way can jeopardize that.  Third, we all have an unconscious agenda to be safe and to be liked.  

You see, saying “no” is scary.  We are taking a risk that the person on the receiving end might not like us, consider us selfish and disagreeable.  But think back to a time when you had to say no ... soon after you expressed yourself, your fear probably turned to relief and empowerment.  And chances are the person at the other end respects you more for being honest ... with the both of you.  People suspect insincerity.

So you can start by deciding which things you should agree to commit to, and which things are all right to pass on.  This decision stems from your priorities - what is important to you and your life.  

Life is too short to do things you don't really want to do ... follow your dreams and instead of wishing, hoping, or pleading for them to come true try being intentional, purposeful, and grateful ... create your life by designing your days.

" Get Real ... "

"What's up? 

What happened when I wasn't around? 

Who did what? 

What went down? 

Get real, Get real 

Think about myself it happens to me 

It happens in the tunnel when I let myself feel 

Get real, Get real"

~ David Bowie ~ Get Real ~

***

Hope everyone had a great Christmas and enjoying the holiday break.  We had an opportunity to visit with out of town family and friends.  Such a beautiful time to just be together with loved ones.  And this year in particular, I really enjoyed every moment.  Moments of laughter, silliness, joy, reflection, giving, receiving, sharing, love, bliss, tears, rememberance, and gratitude.  All these emotions and experiences jammed packed into 5 days can also bring on a truckload of expectations.  But this year, I managed those ... expectations that is.

You see, with expectations can come happiness but almost always comes disappointments.  And with disappointments comes anxiety and with anxiety comes stress ... and so on.  A stressful time no matter how you slice it.  In addition to the usual family issues to handle and all the reactions therein, the media tends to portray how our holiday “should” be.  Mix in the financial pressure and over spending issues ... this can be a challenging time.  

Reflecting back on my previous blogs about the “perfect gift” ... understanding that receiving what is provided with no expectations is just as important.  Not getting caught up in what the holiday should look like, how it should feel, and what you’re going to get or how people are going to react to a gift you are giving ... all of which can dominate our minds ... bringing so many feelings of deep anger and resentment.

So how do I keep it all in check but still make the most of this glorious time?  

First, I stay away from romanticizing the holidays.  I keep my levels of expectations quite low and accept what was right in front of me.  Light bulb moment ~ I have realized that instead of wishing what could be, I accept what is ... sometimes what is provided by those you love is all they can give.  Acceptance. 

Second, I Get Real.  I know that I am blessed to have those in my life who love, respect and support me.  I know that  at the moment, I cannot fully indulge in the delights of the season due to my therapy but my loved ones understand and work around it instead of feeling sorry for me.

Third, I have an Escape Plan.  Yes you read that right .... as you know I am all about detox! detox! detox! and that goes for my external environment just as much as my internal environment ... so if I find I am in a situation that I find overly critical, I remove myself from that environment emotionally and literally if need be.  Meditation, Hot Yoga and Writing are my outlets.  Find a safe place, a sanctuary, for you to retreat.  

Fourth, Breath.  Being mindful of your breathing ~ deliberate and deep.  Sometimes just letting it all out, a sigh of relief, can make a big difference.  Shallow breathing and fight or flight situations go hand in hand. 

I know that I am not alone when it comes to the potential stress holidays can bring.  Yet remembering that YOU have to take care of your emotional, physical and spiritual well being because if you don’t, who will?  

" Highs N Lows ... "

"I be high then I be low
I be low then I be high

I be high when I get what I couldn't before

I be low when I'm looking at a stressed face
It's like a battle knife to a gun fight
No need to worry this the story of my life ..."

~ Kid Cudi ~ Highs N Lows ~

***

Well, we are starting week 40 of the Gerson Therapy.  Yes incredible to think ... I remember talking to family and friends at week 1 wondering how we were going to do this, how we would manage.  And I am happy to report, we have and we are.  As mentioned in my prior posts, thanks to the kindness, generosity, love and support of what I like to call my earth angels.

Since my last post, I have experienced some real highs and some real lows.  Personally, I have been feeling stronger, better and more determined than ever to beat this horrid dis-ease.  I had a great healing session with my beautiful friend, Jolene of Coreporate Care, whom I mentioned in my last post.  Some great insight and affirmations.  Feeling like I am on the road to recovery and healing ... having worked really hard to get to this point, it feels good to feel this way.  And just when I was staying present in my world and my reality ... we had a dear friend of ours pass away.  Highs N Lows.

Vesna was a friend we met at the Gerson clinic in March 2011 and arrived a few days short of our 3 week stay.  She was accompanied by her husband.  The first day, we exchanged stories as to what brought us to the Tijuana.  Our commonality ... breast cancer.  There was a lot of shared frustration, anger, fear and curiosity.  Russell and I, having the majority of our visit under our belts, felt quite equipped to share our knowledge, understanding and beliefs around the therapy.  With Vesna, she was not new to a cancer diagnosis, as this being a reoccurrence, she had felt that a different option from what she had already experienced could work.  With our the severity of our diagnosis varying, our sense of desperation varied too.  I knew that look, that feeling ... I had it 2 weeks prior.  And so I tried to lend my support and encouragement around the therapy, why it works, why it is important to follow it as directed ... why we had to believe.  And we all believed, to some level, or we wouldn't have been there ... again, all of us desperately searching for the unattainable ... a sure thing, a guarantee. 

All of us at the clinic knew that in "theory" the Gerson Therapy works.  But, we also knew that we all respond differently, heal differently ... for some, our immune systems were not strong enough to endure the flare ups and healing reactions to come our way.  For others, we would continue on the therapy.  We all knew that we would do our best and also do what is takes to heal ... conventional, Gerson, or a combination of both.  Regardless of the choice of treatment, we all had the same intentions ... and provided unconditional support.

For Vesna, she left us this past weekend ... passing away peacefully.  I trust she IS at peace now.  All the frustration, anger and fear replaced with solace, harmony and love.  I trust our friend is looking down upon the rest of the Gersonators and cheering us on, believing in us ... knowing we all have our own journey to take.  

♥ Rest in Peace our beautiful friend ♥