" Balance ... "

" Just open your eyes,
And realize, the way it's always been.
Just open your mind
And you will find
The way it's always been.
Just open your heart
And that's a start ...

And he felt the earth to his spine,
And he asked, and he saw the tree above him, and the stars,
And the veins in the leaf,
And the light, and the balance ..."

~ The Moody Blues ~ Balance ~

***

Finding balance in life ... is it a myth or obtainable?  Well for something to be out of balance, there must have first been a balancing point.  Therefore, whatever is out of balance can be rebalanced ~ obtainable.  Just as we all have a breaking point, we all have the ability to find our balancing point.  

Our balance point comes from expressing our truth in our life.  One approach is to rid ourselves of the emotions and situations that caused initially caused the imbalance.  Yet it may be unrealistic to assume that a magic wand can be waved to bring things back into that balancing point ... many imbalances occur slowly over many years.  Inner balance is a sense of well-being ... a feeling of contentment and peace, as it should be and calmness.  Ironically, everything is always as it should be, even when we are facing difficult situations.  

So start by taking responsibility of yourself ... the key to finding balance.  To accept full responsibility for how you are feeling, what you are thinking and what you are doing.  Balance comes from YOU.  It is important to not confuse comfort with balance ... others can advise, support and encourage but you keep you in balance, and you allow this for yourself.  So it makes sense the next thought is to quit taking responsibility for others.  Stop taking on everyone else's problems.  At times, this can be a detriment to your well-being.  Again, remember help, advice, assistance, compassion and understanding can be given freely, but when other peoples issues take over your life, you need to take a step back.  This will help them learn how to be responsible for themselves.  

When you feel balanced, stepping forward in your life isn't dating.  You have complete trust in yourself.  You become fully acknowledged in those things that throw you out of balance, preparing you for the next time you encounter them.  It is not an easy task but once you do, you can take ownership of it and then it is yours to re-balance.  If it helps, you can start by writing down an imbalance list ... everything which you feel is bringing you down.  And recognize if you start blaming others or feel stuck with some items, you are not taking responsibility.

It takes commitment from ourselves to re-balance.  Consistent effort.  And as soon as we think we've dealt with and worked through all of our triggers, something else comes along which bowls us over and knocks us out of sync again.  But if practice the above, we will find it easier to recover from these as they occur and recovering from the same knocks will take less time ... eventually our foundations are solid and we can react from a point of balance, the ultimate goal.

" Highs N Lows ... "

"I be high then I be low
I be low then I be high

I be high when I get what I couldn't before

I be low when I'm looking at a stressed face
It's like a battle knife to a gun fight
No need to worry this the story of my life ..."

~ Kid Cudi ~ Highs N Lows ~

***

Well, we are starting week 40 of the Gerson Therapy.  Yes incredible to think ... I remember talking to family and friends at week 1 wondering how we were going to do this, how we would manage.  And I am happy to report, we have and we are.  As mentioned in my prior posts, thanks to the kindness, generosity, love and support of what I like to call my earth angels.

Since my last post, I have experienced some real highs and some real lows.  Personally, I have been feeling stronger, better and more determined than ever to beat this horrid dis-ease.  I had a great healing session with my beautiful friend, Jolene of Coreporate Care, whom I mentioned in my last post.  Some great insight and affirmations.  Feeling like I am on the road to recovery and healing ... having worked really hard to get to this point, it feels good to feel this way.  And just when I was staying present in my world and my reality ... we had a dear friend of ours pass away.  Highs N Lows.

Vesna was a friend we met at the Gerson clinic in March 2011 and arrived a few days short of our 3 week stay.  She was accompanied by her husband.  The first day, we exchanged stories as to what brought us to the Tijuana.  Our commonality ... breast cancer.  There was a lot of shared frustration, anger, fear and curiosity.  Russell and I, having the majority of our visit under our belts, felt quite equipped to share our knowledge, understanding and beliefs around the therapy.  With Vesna, she was not new to a cancer diagnosis, as this being a reoccurrence, she had felt that a different option from what she had already experienced could work.  With our the severity of our diagnosis varying, our sense of desperation varied too.  I knew that look, that feeling ... I had it 2 weeks prior.  And so I tried to lend my support and encouragement around the therapy, why it works, why it is important to follow it as directed ... why we had to believe.  And we all believed, to some level, or we wouldn't have been there ... again, all of us desperately searching for the unattainable ... a sure thing, a guarantee. 

All of us at the clinic knew that in "theory" the Gerson Therapy works.  But, we also knew that we all respond differently, heal differently ... for some, our immune systems were not strong enough to endure the flare ups and healing reactions to come our way.  For others, we would continue on the therapy.  We all knew that we would do our best and also do what is takes to heal ... conventional, Gerson, or a combination of both.  Regardless of the choice of treatment, we all had the same intentions ... and provided unconditional support.

For Vesna, she left us this past weekend ... passing away peacefully.  I trust she IS at peace now.  All the frustration, anger and fear replaced with solace, harmony and love.  I trust our friend is looking down upon the rest of the Gersonators and cheering us on, believing in us ... knowing we all have our own journey to take.  

♥ Rest in Peace our beautiful friend ♥

"It Takes Two ..."

"It takes two to make a thing go right

It takes two to make it outta sight
Hit it!

My name is Rob, I gotta real funky concept
Listen up, 'cause I'm gonna keep you in step
I got an idea, That I wanna share
You don't like it? So what, I don't care ..."

~ Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock ~ It Takes Two ~

***

It's saturday morning here and I am feeling so good.  It must be because of yesterday.  You see our band, REWAVE, auditioned yesterday for Canada's Got Talent in Edmonton, Alberta.  We were pretty excited to get a pre-registered time for 1PM on Friday after hearing the crazy wait times for the walk-in talents.  Interesting how it all played out though.  Another friend of ours told us about her son's experience on a couple of days earlier, basically waiting close to 4 hours to audition.  Mainly because you may have a pre-registered time of 1PM, BUT so does another 300 to 400 people.  And you get 90 secs of your BEST to wow the judges.  Plus we had to drive 3 hours to the venue ... you can imagine the planning that went into this.

So Russell and I were up early, I doubled up my green juices and my coffee treatments, packed all my carrot and carrot apple juices, meds, potatoes, and soup and upon arrival at home later that night, would double up on my green juices and coffee treatments again.  A bit of re-arranging, and not recommended, but for one day, and a chance to audition for a $100,000 with my bandmates, it was worth it.  We picked up Joelle and started our journey.  The ride up was full of great conversation, vocal exercises and naps (for moi!).  Once we got there, there was a cattle like maze we had to enter with our pink CGT wrist bands brightly displayed.  And as destiny would have it, Russell met a fellow New Zealander named "Louman but you can call him KIWI".  Super nice guy, full of conversations and stories and another supporter of the All Blacks rugby team.  We stood outside in line for less than an hour and then made our way into the ballroom where yet another lineup for registration awaiting.  

Engaging with other talents around us, it was so easy to spot out the "what sells TV" people.  And yes, we were some of them ... WE were in full costume gear, with color, glo fur, sparkle and bling to attract a few photos and whispers in the crowd.  Plus the big east indian Dhool drum Russell was carrying was sure to get people going.  You see REWAVE is a synth-pop, Diva, old school hip hop band ... but we had to audition acoustically because they had nothing available to us but a powerbar.  And this was all disclosed to us the night before ... being professionals, you improvise .... and you guessed it ... that didn't stop us as once we got to the actual audition room, we did "It Takes Two" acoustically, and it was just awesome!  Our energy was raw, organic and electric, and our little audience was moving and bobbin their heads to the groove.  MissJ layed down the smooth rap vocals, Russell played a tribal rhythm that grooved your soul and I supported the whoo /yeah's background sounds and beat.  Afterwards the producer was excited and eager to view our DVD showcase of our synth-pop performances.  

Our feelings were electric, we were re-charged and basking in the moment we had just created.  We had another 3 hour drive home, but it didn't matter, because it was a chance to move to the next level of stardom.  And if we don't move to the next round of auditions, it doesn't matter, because truly it was an unforgettable experience, once in a lifetime to share with family and friends.  Hit it!

"Pop A Pill .. "

" Well look at this
I see clearly now
Look at this
I can feel it now
Happiness
Is seldom found
Pop the pill"

~ Korn ~ Pop A Pill ~

***

One of the fortunate things of being on the Gerson Therapy is the early mornings.  As odd as that sounds, I get an opportunity to see beautiful sunrises, and honestly they are breathtaking.  This morning when I woke up to take my castor oil, ahem which is not so beautiful, I looked out of our bedroom window and the sky was a blend of orange and pink.  Funny how It reminded me of my favorite sherbert flavour growing up.  How delicious they both are, comforting and calming.  I then looked out of the spare bedroom window and saw a full moon.  It seemed like time was standing still, the streets were quiet, and the air was calm.  I quickly crawled back into bed to squeeze a few more moments of snuggles and comfort before getting on with the regime.

Next comes my usual morning coffee break when count my blessings and set my intentions for the day.  Making my way downstairs to our kitchen, I find Russell listening to the daily news, juicing away and prepping our breakfast ... with a gorgeous smile on his face.  For a brief moment, I take in the present, take in the love.  Ahhh bliss! ..... 

Then I get on with my routine of filling my pill box ... Oiy!! nice why to ruin the mood eh?  Yep, this part of the daily routine is definitely a reminder of the therapy with no if, ands or buts about it.  I open up the cupboard to find fully stocked shelves of pills and capsules and liquids and ... well you get the picture.  I started to think about how many of these are ingest daily and seriously this will make your jaw drop ~ 80.  Yep that is right 8-0.  Crazy eh?  And that doesn't include the liquid meds.  I know this is nuts coming from moi, hippie chick, who didn't take a pill for headache.  Well, first of all they are natural supplements made up of herbs et al so they are not really the typical "medication" you are use to.  No artificial flavours, no synthetic components so take the image of downing a bottle of Tylenol, that is not what this is about.  The funny thing is that this is totally manageable.  Remember this is over the course of an entire day ~ 16 hours.  And the supplements I take are suited to me and my cancer in regards to 

dosage.  "All the medications are designed to support the diet therapy by increasing the energy capacity of the cell and increasing the rate of detoxification'.

So if you are a tad bit curious as to the mini-pharmacy we have here in the Cayzer household, take a look this post from one of my favourite bloggers, someone how inspires me daily and is my friend Jess, The Wellness Warrior.  

Believe me, I was not that crazy about popping so many pills, but once I heard about all the anti-cancer properties, my response was "open up and say ahhhhh".

"Point of View ..."

"It's a different point of view to you
You cannot see things that are different to me
And I can't understand why you cannot see
The things that I cannot see"
~ Blink 182 ~ Point of View ~
***


I really don't know where to start on this post ... it has been quite an interesting week so far.  And ahhhh yes I did go and get my ultrasound and blood/urine work done and ahhhh yes I did get the results.
So whats the verdict?  Well here is the scoop ....

So, just finishing up week 26 of the Gerson therapy, narrowing on I guess 6 months, there was some emphasis by my family doctors and other loved ones to get an ultrasound done ... to "really" see if the therapy is working ... Externally, I have been feeling really good, outside of nasty emotional days where I cry uncontrollably, and some pain and aches in the region of the cancer.  So early Monday morning before brekkie and my first coffee enema, I was in to see the Labs.  As per usual, my veins are small and hide so they prick the arms a few times, but I was still outta there and home within 30 minutes.  Then came the ultrasound a couple of hours later.  Oh and yes, side note, I did have a mini-meltdown on Sunday, anticipating the worst and having the fight or flight syndrome kicking in big time!  Like usual, Russell was so supportive and let me go through the motions, letting me know whatever we face, we face together and also letting me know that he was pret-ty sure that I wasn't going to expire on the ultrasound table so all should be okay.

So back to the ultrasound ... if any of you have been thru any sort of ultrasound, you are lying there will gel all over your breasts with this gadget that is run over them by technician.  This time, the technician was very inquisitive as to my history AND what treatment I was currently going thru.  She asked me three times, "so you didn't have surgery?"  ... with a squished up expression ... and I politely told her nope, nope, and nada.  Then she went thru the checklist of the risk factors and if I had any ... ie. family history, etc ... and nope, nope, and nada ... nothing to check off.

So finally the examination, she checked the right side - good news, all is clear and nothing to worry about (whew!).  She checked the lymph nodes on both sides - good news, all is clear and nothing to worry about (whew!) ... then she asked me to show her where the lump was and she started to exam the area.  And she kept going over and over the area.  Then she said "this is one of the hardest examinations I have done, I cannot tell where the boundaries/borders are to the lump so I am not sure if these measurements are even accurate".  I asked her to explain what she meant and then she started to show me the screen.  Now you have to understand, in ALL the ultrasounds I have had, never does the technician talk to me let alone show me what they see.  They do their job and then they leave the room.  Done.  But this time, my techie was eager to show me what dilemma she was having.  She left the room twice, once to check on the previous ultrasound (pre therapy back in Feb 2011) and another time to talk to the radiologist.  And then she said ... "you know, I am going to tell the doctor that my measurement are inaccurate, this was a difficult examination to do, and if I were you, I wouldn't put a lot of trust in these measurements because every tech is different and has a different point of view".  So there I am, lying there with all that gel on me wondering ... what is the point of all this then?  Are major decisions not BASED on these measurements?  Was not my treatment plan in February ~ partial mastectomy/double mastectomy, chemotherapy and radiation BASED on these measurements?  Are you kidding me?? ...

So today in the radiologist final report, he indicated that it was very difficult to provide measurements as due to undefined  boundaries, but he "suspects" that there is a very, slight increase in the one mass that was defined previously.  And right then and there we knew that the Gerson Therapy is working ... how can it not?  How can I go from two measurable discrete, defined masses and multiple lesions 7 months ago to one undefined difficult masses and some lesions hard to measure?  The Gerson doctors warned me that it was too early for an ultrasound.  They said that things could get better before they get worse.  They said that we are agitating the tumor, so wait for the therapy to kick in.  My family doctor was not concerned with this report, nor were we ... because under the above circumstances, you take it for what it is.  


The GOOD NEWS is my complete blood chemistry and urine analysis look great, the cancer continues to be localized, AND in the Gerson world, the inflammation in the region is an indication that the immune system has kicked in and fighting the tumour and lesions, the undefined boundaries indicate that the tumour is breaking down, and the tumour itself is softening up.

So today we thank everyone for the oceans of love, support and prayers we have received.  And we recognize all the baby steps to get to this moment ... getting thru a long, difficult, challenging and at times unbearable therapy.  We continue believing and knowing that my body is showing signs of healing AND we continue to set intentions that the very near future will bring a healthy, balanced and cancer free body.  Just wait and see!!!

"What You Waiting For ..."

" Naturally i'm worried if i do it alone 
Who really cares cuz it's your life 
You never know, it could be great 
Take a chance cuz you might grow
What you waiting,What you waiting for!? "

~ Gwen Stefani ~ What You Waiting For ~

***

Over the last week, it's been full of visits and visits ....Mainly impromptu, I've had a chance to have some nice visits with friends *sigh* a HeartFULL week!  They really brighten up my days.  It's funny since I usually get settled in and look like I could be a "carnie" as my "costume" for the day ... extreeeeeemely comfortable. ... Not much matches in my clothing selection and I end up toodling around the house, napping, blogging and reading.  I guess I am still conscious of my look ... the grey hairs coming in fast and furious, no makeup, no hair products ... just simple, plain moi.  But these friends really don't give a damn about all that ... they just make a point to drop by and just be with me.  Especially when I shy away from being in public.  And this weekI noticed a message within our conversations ... and the message was loud and clear ... What You Waiting For?

Besides asking my friends these questions when they were looking for some direction, I started to ask myself too ... What Am I Waiting For? When is the time just right?  What Am I Putting Off till Later? ... Now by no means am I suggesting that you go for it all the time, forget any consequences and risk it all ... unless YOU want to.  I guess for me, there a few things I want to do.  I am limited by the Gerson Therapy as you know, but there are some things that I can do so what haven't I?  Coincidently, after watching a great movie this week, "Limitless" with Bradley Cooper, I realized that what's holding me back is maybe ... the fear of success?  or is it the fear of failure?  and are they one in the same ... I am starting to think they are.

Your see, most of us are often happy to travel the middle of the road, making conservative choices that allow us to get by without making waves.  This way we take less risks and have an even lesser chance of failure.  Success and failure can share the same symptoms in certain situations ... anxiety ... which is be crippling and leading the sufferer to take fewer risks and make only safe choices.  I guess for me I am learning that NOW is the time to move beyond limits ... the limits I have put on myself.  In the past I have had nicely organized boxes of preplanned excuses that I can access.  

I am learning that we need to give ourselves the PERMISSION to abolish these imaginary ceilings as the limits of our imaginations are only boundaries.  NOW is the time to take a closer look at all of the reasons to why not take action ... find out what is right for you, what is important to you and what you are waiting for?  I realize that if I am truly passionate, naturally motivated or purely driven about something that is MORE than enough to go for it.  

"What all of these limits really come down to is the difference between surviving and living.  Going through the motions instead of moving through life deliberately."

"Staying Conscious ..."

Compliments of DailyOM ...

"Staying Conscious"

Staying Grounded in a Big City or Busy World

1. Live simply and live deliberately. By choosing not to get caught up in the details of this fast-paced world, you are doing your part to slow down. You will discover that you have more time to enjoy being alive. 

2. Stay in touch with yourself. Soul searching, meditation, and journaling are just a few of the many activities you can take part in to stay aware and learn as much as you can about your emotions, reactions, likes, dislikes, dreams, and fears. Having a solid sense of self gives you a firm foundation for living in this world. 

3. Support or teach others as often as you can. This can help you form connections with people while also giving you an opportunity to make the world a better place. 

4. Consciously choose what you will allow into your being. The media bombards us with visions of hate, war, and pain. Be judicious about what you read, watch, and listen to. 

5. Acknowledge the beauty that resides around you. Whether you live in a sprawling metropolis or a stereotypical suburb, there are natural and man-made wonders just waiting to be discovered by you. 

6. Nurture your ties to your tribe. If you don’t have one, create a community that you can belong to. Modern life can be isolating. When you have a tribe, you have a circle that you are a part of. Its members – loved ones, friends, or neighbors - can be a source of support, caring, guidance, and companionship. 

7. See the larger picture. Remember the way that you choose to live is not the only way to live. Widen your perspective by exploring other modes of being through research, travel, and discussion. 

8. Embrace the challenges that life presents to you, and challenge yourself often. After a time, even the most exciting jobs or lifestyles can seem routine. Never stop assimilating new knowledge about whatever you are doing, and your life will never seem dull. 

9. Move your body. In this busy world, it can be easy to live a sedentary life. Movement reacquaints us with our bodies and connects us to the earth in a visceral way. It also restores our vitality. 

10. Make time for stillness, silence, and solitude. The world can be noisy, and we are subject to all kinds of noises nearly every waking hour. We are also often “on the go” and unable to relax. Being alone in a peaceful place and making time for quiet can help you stay in touch with yourself.

"For a more grounded life, choose not to get caught up in the fast-paced world around you"

"Birthday ..."

We gonna come together, We gonna celebrate
We gonna gather round, like it’s your birthday
I don’t wanna know, just what I’m gonna do
I don’t care where you’re going, I’m coming along with you
~ Kings of Leon ~ Birthday ~
***


Yesterday, it was Russell's birthday.  And anyone that knows me, knows that I LOVE birthdays.  LOVE LOVE LOVE Birthdays.  What's not to LOVE?  Birthdays give you the opportunity to celebrate someone's life, their being, their uniqueness, their expression, their humour, their love .... we have a chance to give happiness.  What a beautiful thing - giving happiness.  Making sure we were still staying on my therapy schedule, we spent the day together outdoors and toodled around.  We had fun just spending time being.  


I remember in the past, between hectic work schedules, I would plan a dinner, or a party or some surprise with others.  I would miss the entire point, to frustrated, tired or anxious regarding the planned event.  Two years ago, we celebrated Russell's 40th with a party with his invite list.  When I say that I mean there were people on the list that I didn't really care for.  People that were "friends" when it was a party, but otherwise, you wouldn't hear a peep from.  But I remember thinking to myself, this isn't about you so suck it up.  Russ felt that they somehow affected his life thus far and wanted to include them in his celebration.  So, along with my Mom, we planned the food and drinks, holding it a the local community club.  Funny, I was so concerned on how I would look, if it was good enough, and how I would be judged.  See, absolutely nothing to do with the fact that it was his birthday.  And actually I admit now, so self-absorbed.  So this year was progress for me .... haha, not to make it about me (yikes again!), but privately I reflected on how things have changed in two years - how things have shifted.  And I am happier for it.  I will remember it more fondly than any other birthday we celebrated together.  


And yes it has everything to do with my current situation.  Of course it does ... again forces you to be in the present, really here and NOW.  Today my facebook status is Sorrow looks back ... Worry looks around ... FAITH looks up ♥  Makes sense doesn't it?  Looking up and excited about another chance and another year to live.  Birthdays are an opportunity to end one cycle and begin another.  Perhaps reflect on the previous year, focusing on our accomplishments and understanding our setbacks.  Establishing new goals and navigating on how to pursue them.  Although it wasn't MY birthday, Russell and I have many conversations about where we came from, and meeting ourselves where we are.  As well, where we want to go, what we want to do and how we will get there.  It is awesome to have your best friend and life partner on the same page.  I firmly believe we were meant to be together and in a past life, were as well.  Anyone one reading this, understands that connection.  It's a beautiful thing.


So, Russell and I shared the day, enjoying times of little chatter, and other times of laughter and love.  With lots of well wishes and joy from others, it was a memorable day for both of us.  Feeling blessed and know that life maybe unpredictable, but so precious and to be celebrated each and every day.