" Always ... "

“ ... I've been here before a few times

And I'm quite aware we're dying

And your hands they shake with goodbyes

And I'll take you back if you'd have me 

So here I am I'm trying

So here I am are you ready ... 

So here I am I'm trying

So here I am are you ready

So here I am I'm trying

So here I am are you ready

Always

Always

  Always ...”

~ Blink 182 ~ Always ~

***

Give yourself permission to remove finite words from your vocabulary.  You know the one that you try to live up to but haven’t been able to.  The one that nags at you, tells you that you could have done better.  And that you gave up too soon.  You know the word ... always.

It is simply impossible to always.  You say you will always love, but something gets in the way. You say you will always be supportive, but something gets in the way.  You say you will always stay till the end, but something gets in the way.  Something ... life or you get in the way.  

So it isn’t al-ways.  Because if it was, commitment would be fulfilled in al-ways, in any-way.  And what are always and forever intrinsically worth?  Why is it inherently valuable?  It isn’t ... it is the moments and effort that make up forever that hold the value. 

We have learned that the concept of always and forever as merely a promise to do so is what is expected.  Yet our lives are filled with so much fear, pain, hurt, betrayal and lies.  We recognize in others the manipulation and deceit because we recognize it in ourselves.  And we realize that always and forever doesn’t exist.  Because conditions change and therefore the always and forever were actually based on those conditions.

Our words and intentions are put to the test when someone or something is not in alignment with what we want.  When our conditions are not met, we feel it personally.  And the years of always and forevers begin to hold less weight.  The response is usually to blame the other.  They are not the same, they have changed, they have ... yet if your always and forever were authentic, your resolve is un-waivered.

And so we begin to beat ourselves up because our always and forever isn’t so.  

We realize that our love is based on certain criteria.  

We realize that love is not for-ever, love is for NOW.  

www.walkstrong.ca

" How Long … "

I heard your voice through a photograph
I thought it up and brought up the past
Once you know you can never go back
I gotta take it on the other side...

Century's are what it meant to me
A cemetery where i marry the sea
A stranger thing that never changed my mind
I gotta take it on the other side
I gotta take it on take it on...

How long, how long will I slide
Separate my side ...

~ Red Hot Chili Peppers ~ How Long ~

***

From a place of honestly, ask yourself how long you hold on to grudges?  Rather than speak of how it is important to let go, move on and release ... maybe we need to understand how love, forgiveness and holding grudges support each other.

Most grudges stress us out, wreak havoc on our bodies, inhibit release of anger and taxes our immune system ... 

So how can a grudge work for you?  Well, this depends on the type of grudge.  You see some people will hold a bitter grudge against anyone who looks at them funny.  A full plate armour response to a playful slap.  But the problem is that you may use up all your negative energy before you have a real battle to endure.  So if you are in a constant rage, then there may be other underlying issues you may want to consider.  Otherwise, if you mood dips once in a while when it comes to that certain someone, than maybe holding a grudge is a good thing.

So can a grudge be good?  Yes ... because it is an acknowledgement of another person’s behaviour which keeps you at a safe emotional distance from people who mess with your head.  

And can a grudge be bad?  Yes ... because it can be used as a crutch, excuse or reason to hold on, to express anger, resentment, and blame someone else.

If you are not here, where are you ... grudge-holding is a relic from our caveman days, when people relied on each other for survival and remembering who slighted whom was crucial for success.  

Looking for resolution ... the key is to figure out what’s making you dwell on the issue in the first place and recognizing its negative effects.  Because in whatever form forgiveness comes, remember that it’s not the same as forgetting, which is something that might never happen. The memory can last, but if you’ve truly forgiven someone, its ties to residual anger should be severed leaving no room for grudges ...

" Wounded ... "

... It's like walking with the wounded 

Carrying that weight way too far 

The concrete pulled you down so hard 

Out there with the wounded ... 

You tell 'em, that's just my battle scar ...

And knock 'em down like we used to 

You're the marigold ...

Well nobody took your pride away ...

You say you don't know 

You say you can't grow 

All I know is we're missing you 

Show up, show up wounded 

Show up, show up wounded

~ Third Eye Blind ~ Wounded ~

***

We all have had experiences that create a sense of pain or discomfort ... welcome to Life.  In truth, we are all wounded ... emotionally, physically and spiritually ... and these wounds are what allow us to evolve into our true self.

As we continue on this amazing journey of Life, we interact with people that act as angels or lessons.  And we develop “battle scars” along the way.  But we also get to choose if we are going to be wounded wounders or wounded healers ... either we use our wounds to wound others or take the energy, lessons and compassion gained from being wounded and help others heal.

“May we all become more loving, less fearful; more forgiving, less vengeful, more compassionate, less judgmental, 

more healing, less wounding ...”

Shifting from fear to love, we choose from hurting to healing.  We realize our connection and oneness ... and therefore when we would hurt others we would hurt ourselves and we cannot heal another without experiencing healing ourselves.  Moving into a more loving, more patient, and more gentle space in our life.

The path of the wounded healer is not an easy one, yet one with the greatest of rewards ... providing the ultimate service by helping another soul through their unique experiences ... giving the ultimate gift by sharing their time and knowledge to someone in need.  

" Hold On ... "

Hold on 

Hold on to yourself 

For this is gonna hurt like hell. 

Hold on 

Hold on to yourself. 

You know that only time can tell 

What is it in me that refuses to believe 

This isn't easier than the real thing ...

Am I in heaven here or 

Am I at the crossroads I am standing ...

That you'll be strong tomorrow 

And will see another day 

And we will praise it 

And love the light that brings a smile 

Across your face. 

~ Sarah McLachlan ~ Hold On ~ 

***

Well it’s been quite a ride ... a roller coaster ride that is.  Starting month 18 on the Gerson Therapy, I’ve been reflecting a great deal ... reflecting how this entire journey began.  Finding my dreaded lump, only to discover there was more than one.  Next came the chaos, and oh there was much of that ... inner chaos really.  On the outside, I may have been cool as a cucumber but on the inside all hell had broken loose.  And believe me, there are still days like that.  I wonder if they ever go away, regardless of an ailment, do we all experience this in some way?

Many feelings come up too, and not all positive.  There are dark feelings ... fear, anger, loneliness, hurt ... and resentment.  Aha, probably the biggest one of them all.

Perhaps one of the most destructive emotions that we are capable of feeling is resentment.  You know the famous quote “Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” From the moment I first heard that significant little statement, I laid claim to it as my own.

Whether valid or not, resentments case us to dwell on the betrayal we believe we have been subjected to.  Whether it was a hurtful gesture, or we believe that someone didn’t do what they should have, our reaction manifests like a cancer within.  Resentment takes over ... rent free in our head.  And if you are anything like me, prone to emotional eating, resentment creates the perfect storm for compulsive or unhealthy eating.  Hence my years and years of struggle with bulimia.

Refusing to forgive is a choice that keeps resentments alive.

We become self-righteous and our anger takes precedence over our desire for peace and serenity.  Hmmm ... don’t we ALL just want peace in our life?  Then how can we CHOSE to keep resentment alive?  Our need to be right becomes a stronghold, which negatively impacts us mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.

And I’ll admit, I am still working on letting go of the resentment in my life.  Just when I think I’m good, I get “triggered” and then take three steps back after taking two steps forward.  I know I am not alone so here are some tools I use to help me move through it ...

• I ask if I am using resentment to recreate drama and what is my payoff for doing this?
• I realize that I cannot control others and outcomes and those that have rejected me
• I recognize that my resentments give me only illusions of strength and true strength and power is in forgiveness
• I acknowledge my part in allowing the abuse and manipulation to occur and forgive myself for that
• I practice forgiveness for what I can 
• I practice deliberate forgetfulness when I can’t
• I understand that that present day resentments are not to be confused with unresolved past resentments
• I ask our higher power to release me from the bondage of resentment and guide me to a path toward letting go
• I decide I am worth the freedom from destruction caused by harbored resentments and vow to take my serenity back

We all know people who are resentful their whole life.  They become bitter and the present passes them by.  Resentment is not only toxic it is intoxicating.  Hmmm, maybe we hold on to resentment because it gives us some control over the past?  Ironically, when we forgive, we have some say over what role those past events play in our present.

I have been told that our minds are like a magnifying glass.  Whatever you focus on will expand.  So I ask myself ... do I want to focus on resentment, or forgiveness?  And which one, do I believe, will ultimately make me feel and live better?

" Deep ... "

On the edge

Of a know-nothin' town

Feelin' quite superior

The aged come

To the sky above

He just ain't nothin'

But he's got a great view...

Can't touch the bottom

In too deep

~ Pearl Jam ~ Deep ~

***

Have you ever been told you are “too sensitive”?  Have you ever heard someone equate your feelings to an ocean of emotions?  I have ... many times, along with “you take things too personally are are too emotional”.  And even though I use to think of it as a flaw, now I know it is an advantage. 

Deep feelings, straddled between the area of conscious and subconscious.  Think of them as emotional residue coming up at any time and affecting you, your thoughts, your judgement, and your relationships.  Often we are unaware how our emotional residue impacts our thoughts, decisions and behaviours.   

You see many of our poor reactions to situations, circumstances and communications stem from the deep areas within us that we are not necessarily consciously aware of.  And it is the emotions down deep that we don’t see ... that hinder us the most and effect how we treat others.

In my past, I had the tendency to think that things were not going to get better because I had memories, associated feelings and thoughts that said things are just not going to work out.  I would feel as if what was happening is just more of the same old ways, and that would give me the same old outcomes as they always had.  My past memories contributed to my feelings of defeat and doubt before anything had happened ... because I didn’t see the bubble ... those old feelings that came up in the midst of my opportunity.  

Prepared to deal with it, I started to uncover the underlying deep feelings of hurt.  For a long time, it was buried down deep and I wanted to leave it there.  Yet similar to a bubble that comes up to the surface of the water, I needed to recognize and understand the source of the feeling before I let it burst. 

Now I use my "advantageous flaw" and look at where those feelings come from, why those feelings are still there, and then how I can let them go.  I recognize they come from some area of disappointment where something didn’t work out the way I had hoped for.  For me, I now realize that no matter how screwed over I feel, life is not a broken record playing the same outcome every time ... it’s only my feelings and associated thoughts that are playing that repeated outcome.   

True healing comes at the source or root of the pain.  And for me, I am willing to open up to my personal constraints with humility.  Deep feelings of hurt are within us, whether you see them or not ... yet how they are affecting you is for you and your honest self to deal.

" I Hold No Grudge ... "

Yes I’m the kind of people

You can step on for a little while

But when I call it quits

Baby that’s it

I’m the kind of people

You can hurt once in a while

But crawling just ain’t my style

I hold no grudge

Deep inside me there’s no regrets

But a gal who’s been forgotten may forgive

But never once forget

~ Nina Simone ~ I Hold No Grudge ~

***

Grudges ... defined as “resentment strong enough to justify retailiation”.  Personal injustice ignites resentment in our hearts, which in turns into a grudge.  And everyone has, at some time or other, been hurt deeply by someone, so this is a natural human reaction  Yet when we want revenge instead of focusing on what we need to solve the problem, we  halt our healing.  And why do we want revenge?  Because we have developed bitterness about that person or situation.

You see when someone hurts you, your instant reaction is to hurt them back.  Our very nature spurs us to settle the score, to get even.  And the person who hurts us might not even know how angry and bitter we feel ... these emotions continue to aggravate at their supposed indifference.  Yet at all health levels the only one we hurt is ourselves.

Holding a grudge will only devour you from the inside out because YOU refuse to forgive the one who hurt you.  The price to pay is too high because life keeps running on rewind.  We allow ourselves to be handcuffed to the negative past, causing us to irrationally dwell, and allowing us to find blame for our present failures.

So how do you even begin to let go?  Start by altering how you view the situation.  You can’t change what happened, but you can change our attitude about it and reduce the power it has over you.  Of course you cannot fully erase the memory banks of your mind but you do have the power to refuse to think on past injustices, once forgiven. 

Ask yourself : At present, what purpose is holding onto that grudge serving you? 

It has probably poked holes in your energy bucket as fatigue is the faithful companion of a grudge.  You see we waste so much unconscious energy maintaining our grudge.  Instead we can choose to release it and welcome a new surge of  positive emotional and physical energy.  

Grudges are the domain of petty people, not YOU.  Why spend another moment being hung up on hate while present on earth.  Make the decision to kick it out of your life  ... the most it will cost you is happiness in the long run.

" Not This Time ... "

I don't know why I give in, but I do every time.

And here I am wondering why I did it again.

To keep me going,

To keep the shit away.

I don't know what it is,

But every time you're near, I fear you,

But not this time...

~ Kate Bush ~ Not This Time ~

***

There are times when we take on too many commitments and simply spread ourselves too thin.  Creating stress as we are unable to get anything done, at least not well or on time.  There comes a time when you just have to say no ... not this time.  

The Gentle Art of Saying No ~ an art that many people have problems with.

So what’s so hard about saying no?  Well, first it can hurt, anger or disappoint the person it is directed to.  And it’s is not usually a fun thing to do.  Second, if you hope to continue to have a good relationship with that person, saying “no” in the wrong way can jeopardize that.  Third, we all have an unconscious agenda to be safe and to be liked.  

You see, saying “no” is scary.  We are taking a risk that the person on the receiving end might not like us, consider us selfish and disagreeable.  But think back to a time when you had to say no ... soon after you expressed yourself, your fear probably turned to relief and empowerment.  And chances are the person at the other end respects you more for being honest ... with the both of you.  People suspect insincerity.

So you can start by deciding which things you should agree to commit to, and which things are all right to pass on.  This decision stems from your priorities - what is important to you and your life.  

Life is too short to do things you don't really want to do ... follow your dreams and instead of wishing, hoping, or pleading for them to come true try being intentional, purposeful, and grateful ... create your life by designing your days.

" True Colors ... "

"But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow"

~ Cyndi Lauper ~ True Colors ~

***

In the middle of week 45 of my Gerson Therapy and I am reflecting on what the last 10plus months have been about.  I remember having a conversation with some friends at the clinic, worried that I wouldn't make it a week on this treatment ... now eyeing my one year anniversary in March.  I remember talking to them about how was I going to put my life on "hold" ... what would my life look like ... and who would be around.  As I have said in the past, peoples true colours shine thru at times of crisis.  I wondered who would be around and who would flee, who would understand and who would give up, and who would wait and who would move on.  It is a very lonely journey, a very difficult journey and I am sure for a lot that read this ... thankful it is not them.

I was told that "the right people in your life will be there through the journey".  And I am blessed to have my husband and family with me regardless of the outcome.  So why is it so painful then when I think of those that have moved on ... maybe because I haven't yet.  Those friendships that were not what they seemed.  Leaving me blaming myself, asking why the hell I had to get this dis-ease ... is it fair to ask them to wait, to be present, to be inclusive ... true colours shining thru.

So how do you deal with friendships that have disappeared in your time of crisis ... well I have realized that my flaw is that I hang on for waaaaay too long and besides patience, forgiveness is the hardest thing to do.  I do understand that we all move on ... on our own time.  But sometimes the process takes longer than I expect - being fulling cleansed of all lingering hang-ups and scars, not just at the surface level.  The journey of conscious growth never ends.

Compounding our baggage ... sound familiar?  We all do this by our projections of people, assumptions of situations and expectations of how relationships should be.  So if you are still holding on to what could have been, it is time to release yourself.  Aha!  easier said than done right?  You see depending on how deep the emotional impact was, it might take several phases before you can really move on.  Part of the journey ... yet making progress every step along the way, an act of healing in itself.

So I begin by acknowledging, accepting and then letting go of my feelings ... the longer and more intense the relationship, the more baggage I have accumulated ... a mix of sadness, regret, hope, melancholy, shame, fear and disappointment.  Whatever the emotions, learning to open myself to the emotion fully ... taking the time to process, embrace and accept them ... not block or bottle them in because when you least expect it, it can be explosive.  You think you have moved on, but what's really happening is the issue has just become so deeply buried that it doesn't cause any immediate reaction.  

Second, I share with loved ones.  Realizing that I don't have to go thru this alone.  My family & friends are there for a reason, to help me, support me and pull me thru this period.  Their overwhelming patience makes me grateful for who they are and our friendships ... and this experience undoubtedly has strengthened us.  

Third, I practice forgiveness.  A powerful idea.  When we refuse to forgive someone, we are not really forgiving ourselves * Sigh * ... carrying the anger and bitterness is a breeding ground for sickness.  Chances are the other person doesn't even know how you are feeling towards them, so really you are the one carrying the baggage around.  Maybe on a deeper level, these feelings are towards yourself, allowing this person to hurt you.  Whenever you hold on to something, you prevent yourself from receiving new things in life.  I tell myself that when I forgive myself for putting myself thru this trauma and everything that has happened, naturally I will forgive them too.

Finally. I know that I am good enough even when something doesn't work out.  Acceptance of ME.  Everyone looks for different people in their lives.  There is no criteria on what are the right or wrong traits to embody, just different expectations.

Reflecting on this journey, from diagnosis to present day, it has truly been a very long healing process.   Still a work in progress.  Every day, I work towards finding peace in my life.  I try not to beat myself up or think I am not good enough when it comes to relationships.  Believing that all of us enter into each others lives for a reason is helping me become a better, not bitter, person.  Some days I win the battle ... and other days, well I accept where I am at and keep trying.

I started this blog with the intention to share, express and help others in their journey by sharing mine.  We all have pain and sadness from an experience, but I deeply feel there is always a way out.  It takes courage to move to a better place and connecting with like-souls, I hope we help each other from whatever we are entrenched in to gain strength in moving on from past wounds.