" With or Without You ... "

Through the storm we reach the shore

You give it all but I want more

And I'm waiting for you ...

And you give yourself away

And you give yourself away ...

My hands are tied

My body bruised

she's got me with

Nothing to win

Nothing left to lose

With or without you

With or without you

I can't live

With or without you

~ U2 ~ With or Without You ~

***

Yesterday I was blessed to speak with a dear friend of ours.  Charlie.  Russell and I met Charlie and his wife Mary Alice at the clinic last year.  And although it was brief, we shared a great deal with each other and have remained friends ever since.  It is nice knowing I can reach out to others, whom are on the Gerson Therapy, when I really need to.  Yesterday, I was one of those days.

Our conversation was full of many topics and one of them was about fear.  I shared with Charlie the emotional roller coaster I have been experiencing for the past few months.  Mainly triggered by physical healing reactions.  We both agreed that fear has only one purpose ... to debilitate you.  As I continue to share, Charlie keenly listened and then asked me a very direct question ... “what are you afraid of?”.  I really had to think about it.  What AM I afraid of?  I proceeded to answer in a round about way but finally quietly answered ... I am afraid to die.  You see, not many people talk openly about death.  And why would they ... are we not told if we focus on something it will happen?  But the reality is that if we face our fears, maybe we can work through them.  It is not as if I am inviting the concept ... I just plainly stated my fear around it.

Later in the day, I told Russell about my conversation ... and my fear.  Through heavy tears, I told him I feared getting worse not better, I feared becoming completely physically dependent, I feared the disappointment, suffering and pain I would cause him and my family if things didn’t work out.

Calmly, Russell talked to me about my spiritual beliefs around reincarnation ... he reminded me about my strong faith, and how it has carried me through this part of my journey.  Then he asked me to stop worrying about everyone else.  He asked me to focus on what I could do, in this life, for me.  He asked me to continue to share my gifts, my best.  He asked me to continue to live this life with him and enjoy what we have been blessed with.  He gave me perspective.  Perspective I needed.

Sometimes you need a bit more help than affirmations and meditations.  When you just need the allowance to admit your feelings, instead of ignoring them.  You cannot heal what you won’t confront.  I believe earthly angels come into our lives with a purpose ... perhaps to love and guide us when we lose our way, reminding us of the goodness we posses.  

The load feels a bit lighter today, thanks to Charlie and Russell.   

" Judge Not ... "

Don't you look at me so smug

And say I'm going bad

Who are you to judge me

And the life that I live?

I know that I'm not perfect

And that I don't claim to be

So before you point your fingers

Be sure your hands are clean

Judge not

Before you judge yourself

Judge not

If you're not ready for judgement-Whoa oh oh!

~ Bob Marley ~ Judge Not ~ 

***

We all do it.  Every one of us.  We tell ourselves that we don’t want to and maybe we don’t really mean to.  But we do.  We judge people ... especially when someone keeps on doing the same annoying thing day after day.  We point out their faults and therefore judge.

To promise we won’t, In practice, it is easier said than done, yet if we honestly monitor our minds, we realize how difficult or even impossible it may be to judge nothing that occurs.  

So what is it about judging that makes it so hard to let go of?

Considering that to judge, drains our energy, is debilitating and makes us tired ... why do we feel compelled to pronounce our judgement and correct the errors of the world around us?  

Perhaps conflict and judgement are connected, and our conflict with authority is the source of all our judgements.  First, consider the authority figures in our lives ... boss, parents, teachers, etc ... then determine how we feel about them.  If they express an opinion that affects us and carries some weight with us, they can be considered an authority figure.  And depending on if we respect, fear, admire, resist or resent them, directly affects how much we value their opinion.

Oh and of course, we inadvertently learn from them too.  If their opinion matters, when they judge us, we judge us.  Then we issue our proclamation, and determine the true nature of reality ... 

but is reality truly up to us?  

So we continue the cycle and ultimately we judge others because we want to.  It establishes us as superior and validates our independent authority.  Just as previously done to us.  Basically, it builds up our ego by allowing us to perceive differences.  Allowing us to maintain our place as the ultimate authority.  We evaluate to justify our own autonomy and feel we must judge against all competitors.  We play the judgement game ... but how is our rule better than others? 

Instead, prior to judging, maybe we could ask ourselves  “Am I choosing not to know him?”.  Maybe we can chose to know the true worth of others instead of perceiving wrong in them.  

Isn’t it our choice of judgement that causes our perception? 

Realize that when you judge you are trying to be the author of reality.  Judgement imprisons you by making you into something you are not.  Striving for a peaceful existence, you can live this simply by knowing who you are ... the freedom of total acceptance just as you are, as you are in reality.

" Are You There? ... "

Are you there? ...

Need to learn to let it go

I know you'd do no harm to me ...

And it couldn't be more wrong 'cause there's no one there

Unmistakably lost and without a care ...

And it's wearing me down

And it's turning me round

And I can't find a way now

To find it out

Where are you when I need you

Are you there?

Anathema ~ Are You There? ~

***

Do you remember the book “Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret”.  Written in 1970 by Judy Blume, this novel was popular with young adults as they could relate to the sixth grade girl who had to confront many pre-teen female issues.  Margaret would have conversations with God.  One of my favourite books growing up.

I thought about this book recently, because of the constant conversations I have with Him.  I usually start with an introduction.  Which is odd, I know, because I am pret-ty sure He knows who I am.  And not for any other reason but the numerous times I try to connect with him ... every day.  He probably thinks, oh boy! here we go again ... seriously though, a creator knows his creation.

And my conversations have evolved.  Initially they were around “why me?” ... yet, now on month 18 of the Gerson Therapy, I ask “what is the plan?”, because I trust there is one.  

I remember in the past having a debate about God with a friend.  She couldn’t understand why I had “blind” faith.  She couldn’t understand why there is evil in the world if He exists.  Valid questions and stumbling blocks for many people.  Yet understanding He loves us and wants us to love Him back by choice ... giving US the freedom to choose.  And if we make this choice it is REAL love because it is a REAL choice.  The potential for love outweighs the existence of evil, as evil is only going to exist for a short time, but love is going to go on forever.  Perhaps all of the suffering and death that we see in the world today are the result of wrong choices made by man?

Many people are uncomfortable when is comes to talking about religion.  Perhaps it makes them feel vulnerable because they feel they can’t trust or don’t know what to believe.  I respect that we are in different places along our own spiritual journey.  Thankfully, I have the space to freely discuss spirituality ... with my family and some friends.  I feel safe.  And sometimes I share my conversations, and other times, I keep them close to my heart.

I take great solace in my conversations.  They are pure & honest.  They are REAL ... and they may not be pret-ty all the time, but they do end with great gratitude for life.  My Life.  

Thank-You God, It’s Me ...

" Ain't No Mountain High Enough ... "

If you need me, call me. 

No matter where you are, no matter how far. 

Just call my name. I'll be there in a hurry. 

On that you can depend and never worry ...

No wind, no rain, 

Can stop me, babe 

If you wanna go 

I know, I know you must follow the sun 

Wherever it leads 

But remember 

If you should fall short of your desires 

Remember life holds for you one guarantee 

You'll always have me ...

Ain't no mountain high enough 

Ain't no valley low enough (say it again) 

Ain't no river wide enough 

To keep me from you. 

~ Ashford & Simpson ~ Ain’t No Mountain High Enough ~

***

B-L-I-S-S ... the last few days, Russell and I were gifted a mini-vacation in the Rocky Mountains with my parents.  They booked a vacation rental for the four of us in Canmore.  So we had to pack and plan for a three-night get away.  You know the saying “everything but the kitchen sink” ... well we may have taken that as well ... juicer, organic veggies and fruit, coffee & supplies, medications, laptop .... And it is a good thing we have an SUV ... it was fully packed!

My mom knew to book a place with a full kitchen so as soon as we got there, the juicer got set up, groceries were unpacked, and coffee was being brewed for my upcoming enema.  Although this is the norm for us, it still amazes how we just know what to do when, regardless of where we are ... and still stay right on schedule.  
Man oh man I’ve got an awesome team!

Initially I wasn’t looking forward to the “hassle” of taking my therapy on the road, but I am so glad we did.  This was the first real trip for Russell and I since coming back from the clinic last March.  And those that know us, we have always travelled every year so this was a huge treat ... and I realized that a change of scenery is EXACTLY what I needed.  

Thankfully, Canmore is about an hours drive from our home, so it is easy to make this happen.  Mountain Living ... I understand why others get tired of the busy city life and make that change ... it is simply breathtaking.  As the mighty mountains tower above us, the pristine views, the quiet, calm atmosphere and the uninterrupted green settings provide plenty of benefits to your mind, body and spirit.  

I had plenty of room to breathe ...

We talked about what it would be like to live there and if we could truly enjoy the natural therapy mountain living would bring after a stressful day ... the best of nature.  We could still grow a garden and even chop our own wood for those crazy winters we endure.  Mountain living could give us our very own natural paradise.

It would be a massive change for the two of us ... but it is not as far fetched as it may seem.  A geographic move has been on our radar for many years, even prior to my diagnosis.  We just assumed it would be to a warmer climate and near water ... and still may be, you never know.

But for now, thanks to my generous parents, we had this wonderful opportunity ... to relax, play cards, read books, eat good food, and share in each others company.

Feeling truly loved & blessed ... I embrace every morsel of this life ...

Adventure is a path. Real adventure – self-determined, self-motivated, often risky – forces you to have firsthand encounters with the world. The world the way it is, not the way you imagine it. Your body will collide with the earth and you will bear witness. In this way you will be compelled to grapple with the limitless kindness and bottomless cruelty of humankind – and perhaps realize that you yourself are capable of both. This will change you. Nothing will ever again be black-and-white ~ Mark Jenkins

" Freeze frame ... "

I could see it was a rough-cut Tuesday

Slow-motion weekdays stare me down ...

There were no defects to be found

Snapshot image froze without a sound ...

Thursday morning was a hot flash-factor

Friday night we'll dance the spotlight grind ...

Now I'm lookin' at a flashback Sunday

This freeze-frame moment can't be wrong ...

Freeze-Frame! (Freeze-Frame!) 

Freeze-Frame! (Freeze-Frame!)

Freeze-Frame! Now Freeze!

~ J. Geils Band Lyrics ~ Freeze Frame ~ 

***

I think professional framer’s are fortunate people.  They can transition paintings or photographs within moments using different frames and colored matts, placed around the edges.  Certain highlights or perspectives are displayed ... entire readings of it that you hadn’t noticed before ... presenting a new meaning for you.

So what if we applied this to our own life by re-framing experiences therapeutically.  A way of taking an image or thought and seeing it in a new way.  Basically, viewing your life from a different perspective.  What if we try out some new "frames" and see what it does ... will it transform in some way so that it is easier to cope with?

Think about it ... 

• are there some thoughts, experiences or expectations you would like to take a fresh look at?
• what areas of your life might you like to try a new frame on?
• what kind of frame could it be?
• which aspects of the situation, or of yourself, might you like to highlight?

Interesting how two people can undergo the same painful experience in life, but one appears inspiring to others while the other appears to continue suffering and be a victim.  Why?  well it’s not so much our past but how we see it.  With any mistake we have made in the past, many of us continually beat ourselves up for it and blame someone else.  Instead we could reflect back happy that we learned from our mistakes and things are so much better now.  Stepping back and looking at the broader view may help us recognize that there are different layers of meaning.

How we perceive our story determines the quality of our life.  The quality of our lives has less to do with the details and more to do with how we perceived those details. The meaning we assign it and the story we tell ourselves will determine how we live the rest of our lives from this day forward.

I know that there are moments in my life that are just plain hard.  I feel like I am getting nowhere and no matter what I do, I feel like I am barely keeping my head above water.  Yet if by re-framing, maybe the very fact that I’ve kept putting one foot in front of the other has its own worth and meaning.  I’ve kept on trying despite the odds.  And I’m learning what doesn’t work, so I might be getting closer to figuring out what does.

Even the smallest, seemingly plainest of frames can help. Something as straightforward as: ‘right now, this is a really tough time’ itself acknowledges the level of challenge I'm facing, as well as the possibility of transience and that this hopelessness will eventually relent. It offers some hope to keep me going.

The beauty of re-framing is you can experiment until you find the one that feels right for now ... and also decide which elements you might like to highlight in some way.