" Self - Inflicted ... "

“ ... Every bone's been broken

But my heart is still wide open

I can't stop, don't care if I lose

Baby, you are the weapon I choose

These wounds are self inflicted ... 

With each scar there's a map

That tells a story, what a souvenir of

Young love's like jumping out an airplane

Riding a tidal wave on an ocean of emotion

My heart rips me wide open ... 

These wounds are self inflicted ... “

~ Katy Perry ~ Self Inflicted ~

***

Community and connection … the heart of what lies at times of crisis.  That call on all of us to assess honestly what we are willing to give up, and how far we are ready to serve others.  

Serving others … I use to think that it was selfish when you had to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you help others.  I use to think that the inconvenience to ourselves outweighed the sacrifice to save another.  Yet sometimes our intention in the acts of sacrifice is not only the bond that connects us, but also the challenge to take good care of ourselves.

Let’s be honest … most of us agree to do more than we can really afford.  We try to build the relationship, support it, manage it.  Yet very quickly we learn how the scales tip out of balance when the willingness to make sacrifice is not reciprocal.  

And so we are on THE quest … for that place where we know when we are over-stretching, again … yet not closing off the impulse to serve, to help and to create community and connection through personal sacrifice for the overall good.

“ … our long term well being 

relies on the health of our community … “

We serve out of less-than-perfect lives … focusing on different tasks and taking care of other people’s needs that we forget to take care of ourselves.  We attempt to manage our roles, relationships and responsibilities … we move mindlessly from one thing to another, trying to fit it all in … yet what we need is balance … a balance between service and self-care.

“ … Studies have shown that couples that have a balance 

between ME time and WE time

are happier  … “

Self-care is the most compassionate act you can perform for yourself because you cannot give what you don’t have.  When we practice self-care we are better parents, offspring, siblings, friends and partners.  Because when we fill up our wells, we can future others while also enjoying the bliss of our own self-love.  

Drop limited beliefs about honouring your wants and needs.  Fulfill your potential and discover your purpose, your joy because self care  … allows for more sharing and nurturing because there is plenty to give without being depleted or exhausted … allows you to serve others well because you have acknowledged your own worth and cultivated ways to fill and refill your well.

The shift is necessary and is possible, when you chose to re frame your belief system and thoughts you have around self-care.  You can choose to let go of resentment of others.  You can choose to stop being a victim of others’ demands.  You can choose what you self-inflict ... and the result, experiencing joy in this present moment.

www.walkstrong.ca

" Falling Out … "

Sometimes I feel like there's no getting through to you
like you don't appreciate all that I do.
you gotta show me that you want me to stay
don't turn & walk away

I don't know what to do,
how did we end up here this way?
what are we gonna do?
I'm slowly falling out.. 

don't let your pride get in the way,
don't throw it away
Slowly falling, slowly falling

How did we end up here this way?

~ Keyshia Cole ~ Falling Out ~

***

Oh look, another falling out ... how many does that make?  lost track?  can’t keep count?   ... The thoughts going through my head recently, as I heard about some “people” who we use to be in our friends circle, but you guessed it … had another falling out.  

And I can’t help the little smile on my face.  Judgement, most definitely.  You see when you have a “falling out with someone” you hope that after the oh so drama~ugliness, there is a lesson in the experience, and there always is.  But prior it is all about blame.  We blame others first and then if we are truthful, we take responsibility as well.  

Intentionally giving very little energy to them, I have to say that even hearing about yet another falling out with these folks, well, let's just say, there seems to be quite a few "victims".  And sure it was a trigger.  Life goes on, it is what is … and then a conversation stirs up old feelings, old emotions, old thoughts. old drama.  Almost wise to start a support group for all the people that have experienced their wrath ... I know there would be double digits in attendance.  Perhaps we can share the lessons, who knows the message may be the same.

Mental affirmation: reliving the past, not interested ... predicting the future, too boring ... staying present and accepting what is, freedom.

Sad really, because their “new” world supporters rave on soapboxes about their compassion, kindness, generosity, love, motivation ... blah blah blah ... judgement, most definitely ... warranted, I guess that is up for debate ... maybe just ask the potential support group I mentioned that have been messed around by their behaviour, I’m sure they would have some interesting insight.  You can call it what you want … I see it as just an observation on how life works itself out perfectly!  

ॐ Thank-you karma, thank-you ॐ

Another observation ... 

one common factor in all these “fall outs” are it involves the same people.  Again, you can blame others, say that they are jealous, envious, insecure, immature but if you have a record of these broken relationships, maybe just maybe, take a look in the mirror ... or not.  And really at the end, we are ultimately responsible as to how we let people treat us ... well at least how we react to it.  The tricky part is the manipulation.  And these folks are good, real good.  Actually could probably write a book about, or even host a workshop.  Haha, I wonder how many would register for the “how to be an opportunist” course starring ****.  

Stage names are great when you are “acting” out your life rather than living your truth

Le sigh ... honesty moment: you can visualize how the confrontation will go down, and it never ever works out that way ... you lose your nerve, you are unprepared, you are unsure or maybe, you just don’t give a damn, yeah that’s it, ask yourself does it really matter anymore ... no.  

SO then why the blog then if there is now concern ... observations, observations, observations .... just an example as to how the law of karmic balance works, here and now ... you get exactly what you deserve.  If you think you deserve better, then let others know ... and if they don’t agree, you may be just as lucky to experience an “enlightening” fall out too ॐ

" Self-Absorbed ... "

Follow your voice don't be blinded by fools. 

Their tales are misleading without purity or goals.

 I prefer my own presence. 

Therefore I close my door. I'm better of self absorbed.

I rise above all the shadows from the past. 

I let the threes grow around me.

I am no longer blinded by compassion. 

A new vision has risen to my attraction.

No longer I seek. I've found what I need. I've ended my search I have found myself.

~ Ulcus ~ Self Absorbed ~

***

I would guess that most of us either are, were, know or knew someone that was “self-absorbed”.  Just think back to the environment ... feeling, emotions, actions ...

So it made me think, what is the difference between selfish and self-absorbed, is there one?  And does this have any connection with self-loathing ... yeah that seems like a contradiction but read on.

I think ... 

self absorbed should be used to describe people who are consistently preoccupied with their own thoughts & interests. 

selfish should be used to label people who care only for themselves and their interests, benefits and welfare and behave in a calculated way.

Sounds the same right ... same cause and effect but if you look at the why someone is ruled by self-interest then you see a difference.  

You see people who cannot override the impulse to think intensely about themselves are generally the type that are prone to heavy introspection and self analysis.  And when people spend this unbalanced amount of mental energy, they generally have very little left for others and tend to give the feelings of others less consideration when making decisions.

The result is that they may come off as having acted selfishly when they cause isn’t necessarily malicious because they may not even be aware of it.

But isn’t selfish a term for people who are actively conscious of the dispositions, opinions or feelings of others in a situation and STILL act in ways that benefit only themselves?

Oh yeah and self-loathing?  I remember reading that self-loathing people focus on something else they value more than themselves ... that something is others opinion of them.  Hence they will be so self-absorbed in their self-worth crisis that they will instinctively try to manipulate people into giving validation.  This is how you can focus on yourself through others.

Yikes, what a slippery slope.  Because the problem with letting others define your value is it is so damaging.  And the negative feedback you receive carries a lot more weight than the positive ... because you’d already like yourself if you believed the positive feedback.

Okay so if you relate to any of the above perhaps a change would do you good.  First you have to get it and then believe it ... and if that doesn’t work, lead with action and change your mindset.  When you admire qualities in others, work on bringing them into your life.  Respect yourself enough to invest in yourself.  

Selfish, self-absorbed or self-loathing ... well I think these are hats we wear throughout our lives pending the circumstances and situation we are faced with ... 

SO a good start is instead of looking for validation, look to make a positive difference in others’ lives, because it is so satisfying when you do.  

" Justify My Love ... "

What are you gonna do?

What are you gonna do?

Talk to me - tell me your dreams

Am I in them?

Tell me your fears

Are you scared?

Tell me your stories

I'm not afraid of who you are

We can fly!

I'm open and ready

For you to justify my love

To justify my love

Wanting, to justify

Waiting, to justify my love

Praying, to justify

To justify my love

I'm open, to justify my love

~ Madonna ~ Justify My Love ~

***

How many times have you heard someone who has said or done something that is hurtful justify it by saying the recipient left them no other choice?  

Chances are you have crossed a line if you’re justifying behaviour ... because something deep inside might be sensing that it’s gone from enjoyment to dependence.  Sound familiar? ... yeah we’ve all been there, but the thing is that it only lasts for so long.  In your core, you know what is right and what is pushing it.  Perhaps just an example of using blame to excuse your own bad behaviour.

And really what IS the big deal?  Well, blame is like anger, it dulls our sense of empathy.  It gives us permission to act in a hurtful way to others since it removes the inhibitions ordinary humans have that serve as a buffer against what we know is destructive behaviour.  When we justify, we allow our emotions to take over our self-control in order to achieve a selfish end.

Blame is a defensive to protect our philosophy, emotions and ego ...

Blaming behaviour and selfish behaviour work together.  How?  well, if there some emotional benefit, comfort, entertainment or psychological stability, the actions will continue to consume  you ... as long as things work out for the blamer.

And when there are unintended consequences, instead of taking responsibility for one self’s actions, the blamer begins to find reasons why they should be excused from the repercussions they don’t feel they deserve.

When we blame others we overemphasize ourselves 

and under emphasize the negative effects of our actions ... 

we gain something pleasurable and avoid something unpleasant.

So where do you draw the line?  That’s up to you to decide.  Yet pretending like your actions don’t have consequences, and staying within your comfort level so it benefit’s you, again you decide if that is selfish or protection.  Your morals, your choices, your life ...

We surround ourselves with people that think and act as we do.  Yet sometimes we may need to check in with outside of our circle ... and get an objective opinion.  We may not like what we hear but this critical perspective let’s us know how we are being perceived and therefore how we will be treated.

And really you may not care what others think of you ... but if asking yourself “what would I lose if I did allow myself to see what I don't want to see?” makes you a wee bit curious, then maybe you really do want to know ...