" Where Are You? ... "

Hey you

Have you felt like this before?

You got style but ain't got soul ... 

Is there no future in sight?

Oh is it different now? Is it different?

Come on

Where are you? Where are you?

I'm kicking and screaming ... 

But this could be the best day, of my life

The best day of my life

~ Our Lady Peace ~ Where Are You?

***

It’s been some time since I blogged.  Really it’s been some time since I’ve done much at all.  It’s been a rough time, but I am here.  The last 2.5 weeks or so I’ve been sick ... 

severe nausea, headaches, fever, wooziness, sleepless nights, out of sorts, and well basically not myself.  

First and foremost, Russell has been my rock, my Mom and Dad have been my foundation and my sister and bro-in-law have been my pillars.  I cannot even think of how I would have gotten through it all without any of them by my side.  And thanks to my beautiful friends Ally and Vanessa, letting me know that I am not alone, they are there for me, praying and holding me up, supporting me ... 

After a few panic attacks, not my proudest moments, test results, which came back normal, and plenty of doctors appointments and consults with my team of doctors here and in Mexico ... I am slowly getting back to before all this.  So, what is all this ... looks like a virus or bug of some sort.  And it hit me extremely hard.  The symptoms are still present but not has strong ... and what I couldn’t understand was how this could be happening?

With almost 16 months on the therapy, I’ve been extremely fortunate to have minor flare ups ... or healing reactions/crisis.  So it is scary when you are not fully aware if what you are experiencing is a major healing crisis or a disease crisis.  No thanks to dr.Google ... there is a lot of wrong information out there.  You truly have to be find out for yourself.  And that is the frightening part.

I was under the assumption that since I am building up my immune system and blogging about it ... how could I get sick?  Newsflash ... we all get sick, giving our immune system an opportunity to kick in and go to work.  Wow, this has been a time where my faith, my beliefs, and my hopes have all been tested.  Again.  And in all honestly, they continue to be.  I was hoping this would get easier, but it doesn’t.  With my anxiety and panic, on a scale of one to ten, at a 100 ... I found it so difficult to stay rational and calm.  During the time of unknown, my Dad said to me, whatever it is, face it with determination, strength and courage.  Easier said than done because many times, I seriously thought this was ...

Today has been the first day since that I wanted to blog again ... and let you know yep, still here, taking baby steps to get back to a new normal.  And during this troubling time I read something that really resonated with me that I wanted to share ...

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, 

how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, 

you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” 

♥ Haruki Murakami

" Wake Me Up ... "

Wake me up when the skies are clearing,

When the water is still,

'cause I will not watch the ships sail away so,

Please say you will ...

Wake me up when it's over,

Wake me up when it's done,

If it were any other day,

This wouldn't get the best of me.

~ Norah Jones ~ Wake Me Up ~

***

Wake-up calls ... we continue to experience these series of moments ... you know various events in and out of your life where maybe they didn’t immediately affect your actions, but left enough of an imprint that when combined with others, help stimulate your change.  Eventually and hopefully we connect the dots on these, trust our gut, follow our instincts and make the right decisions.  

Looking back, there were a series of events, but I just wasn’t paying attention.  I didn't connect the dots.  I needed the universe to stop me in my tracks, shake the ground to take notice.  My "this is your life calling" wake up call truly rang when I heard three words ...“You have cancer”.  It was scary, distressing and even nauseating.  Yet I quickly realised that being in that space wouldn’t get me anywhere and I’d only remove my own power if I tried to sort my life out by wallowing in negativity.  

Cancer diagnosis is always serious yet I believe waiting and becoming very aware that what I was being offered was not necessarily my best option, as I weighed up the risks from side effects against little benefits.  After I got over the shock of the diagnosis, I made the most critical decision of my life.  I did this by educating myself ... and choosing to support my immune system, rather than destroy it.

I recently read that “cancer is the body’s suicide note, and it will carry it out unless the person changes”.  Don't wait for desperation to force your hand.  Take a person inventory and if you need to, change what is dysfunctional in your life NOW.  Be honest with yourself, you will know what needs to change ............ just don’t wait for that "note" to wake you up.

Remember, It is not what life presents to us which defines who we are but who we choose to be in relationship to it.