Underneath the bridge
The tarp has sprung a leak
And the animals I've trapped
Have all become my pets
And I'm living off of grass
And the drippings from the ceiling
But it's ok to eat fish
Cause they don't have any feelings
Something in the way
Something in the way, yea
~ Nirvana ~ In The Way ~
Do you get in your own way? You know what I mean ... your intentions are pure but you may be sabotaging yourself. Now your instant reaction may be “no” but subconsciously is where the truth lies, where the real you is.
Another way to ask this is whether your beliefs help you or hinder you? What is your programming? What is your patterning? What are you resisting and why? Are you even aware of what is being orchestrated again at the subconscious level?
Can you let it go ... Will you let it go ... When?
My practice is teaching me how to listen to the story I tell myself, how to observe this story and detach, how to release this story, how to relax and how to repeat. As you can imagine, the repeat part if often! ... my reality is that I “start over” all the time, all day, every day. And I guess if we are all honest with ourselves, we all do this. We start over.
I write about this because personally, this week I had an event that triggered “stuff”. Thankfully I have the awareness to know what emotions and feelings are coming up and I ask the question why.
Event ... the “chance” that I walk into the breast cancer “survivors” march/demonstration. Picture this ... I take a stroll into a building to pick up some tea only to be greeted with “and there are your survivors Calgary” ... pink t-shirts everywhere, the biggest pink ribbon you can find hanging from the ceiling, music, cheering and a crowd - celebrating Breast Cancer Awareness month. My reaction ... flight. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough as nausea started to take over. Wow - what a reaction and why so intense are the questions I have been sitting with. Why didn’t I feel that I am inclusive of this group and instead why did fear take over?
Having courage is to keep going without knowing the outcome ... is to have the ability and willingness to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty or intimidation. Well I sure wasn’t courageous in that situation.
So do I beat myself up over it ... already did. But then something unexpectedly happened ... a realization. The reason I reacted the way I did was due to my subconscious beliefs. My fear comes from believing what the mass media, the doctors, the statistics, the “stories” ... tell us. They tell us that there is no cure, that once you have cancer then you are terminal ... it is not if but when. Period. No discussion.
Yet my reality shows different.
Three years since this part of my journey began
I think of four words ... I AM STILL HERE.
So powerful and so true.
Against the odds, maybe. Could things be worse, always.
Am I healing, most definitely ...
And I still get in my own way. My health practitioner told me today to keep doing what I am doing as my body is reacting extremely well. I replied with “at least I am doing something right” ... right then right there ... I am getting in my own way. And here I thought I was being entertaining but unfortunately at my own expense.
So the next time my anxiety, doubt, ego, concern and critical inner voice starts up, I am going to consciously try to get out of my own way and re-focus. Refocus on embracing my success, celebrating my milestones, and enjoying my victories however minute they may seem.
By changing my focus, I can release what no longer serves me and make room to receive what is available for my highest good. It is progress, it is improvement, and hopefully it is the path to who I really am.
Oh yes, always a work in progress ...