Saturday, July 23, 2011

"Birthday ..."

"You say it's your birthday
It's my birthday too, yeah
They say it's your birthday
We're gonna have a good time
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you."

~ The Beatles ~ Birthday ~

Well I had another birthday yesterday and turned the big 4-2.  Yep, 42 years young.  Funny, I don't feel 42, but not sure what 42 is suppose to feel like so maybe I do?  Anyhow, as you know from celebrating Russell's birthday a couple of weeks ago, I love love love birthdays.  But this year, I didn't love love love mine.  I kinda just showed up.  Usually I anticipate it for weeks, and am just so excited for the day to come.  This year, I woke up annoyed, sad and angry.  Yeah, a real barrel of laughs I know.  

I tried to shake off the negative vibrations but I couldn't.  Most of the morning I was in my head, thinking, fearing, and just  so so sad.  I just felt that Life was so unfair.  Life just sucks at times.  Here is my birth - day and I am fighting cancer.  What the heck is going on?!?  Why is this happening?!?!  Rewind to 6 months ago at diagnosis and the sad and angry feeling were the same, real and very powerful.  I was emotional and told Russ, I was so afraid and that I didn't want to die of cancer.  He told me that is not going to happen and tried to comfort me, but the more he did, the more my head took over.  I needed to get in touch with my heart again, my intuition, my soul.  What were they saying, I had to listen hard over the voices in my head telling me that I was not going to make it.  I felt I was in a very dark place ... and to top it off, the day was overcast and rainy ... joy! ... and then something happened ... Russell took me by the hand and led me upstairs ... as soon as I got in our room, I cried, cried and cried.... and told him how I was feeling, and that I was trying to keep it all together, be positive and upbeat but ... I was feeling so so bad.  The fear was overwhelming.  
For some time, we just sat there hugging each other.  

After having the allowance to express my true feelings, I felt better, the load was lighten and I thought okay, enough of that ... it's my birthday after all!  The day I was born ... kinda cool actually.  And the last 6 months fighting cancer was not going to define the blessings in my life and the joy I have experienced.  Because how fortunate am I really???  Here I have a man that is standing by my side, thru a very very very challenging time.  That is his gift to me, every day, every moment.  The greatest gift of all.  And, soon after my perception started to shift, so did the happenings of the day ... loving phone calls and birthday wishes from family, lovely birthday cards, a beautiful flower delivery, numerous facebook messages, wonderful phone calls from friends, birthday dinner with my husband, parents and in-laws ... blessings.  

Then, I felt a bit ashamed to be so sad and angry earlier ... but it was real and so I honour those feelings instead of pushing them down so that they can further aggravate my illness.  So there is no shame.  Just being real.  It is more than okay to feel whatever you feel ... you cannot script everything in your life.  And true to what I believe, life is 10% of what happens to you and 90% how you react to it, and what I do today will improve all my tomorrows.  So at the end of the day ... I reflected back to my day journey, and after my prayers, realized my day was so amazing, MY BIRTH - DAY, a time when my loved ones wanted to celebrate ME and they did ... I felt like the richest girl in the world.  

Life in Abundance comes only through Great Love ~ so so many Blessings.

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