" Always ... "

“ ... I've been here before a few times

And I'm quite aware we're dying

And your hands they shake with goodbyes

And I'll take you back if you'd have me 

So here I am I'm trying

So here I am are you ready ... 

So here I am I'm trying

So here I am are you ready

So here I am I'm trying

So here I am are you ready

Always

Always

  Always ...”

~ Blink 182 ~ Always ~

***

Give yourself permission to remove finite words from your vocabulary.  You know the one that you try to live up to but haven’t been able to.  The one that nags at you, tells you that you could have done better.  And that you gave up too soon.  You know the word ... always.

It is simply impossible to always.  You say you will always love, but something gets in the way. You say you will always be supportive, but something gets in the way.  You say you will always stay till the end, but something gets in the way.  Something ... life or you get in the way.  

So it isn’t al-ways.  Because if it was, commitment would be fulfilled in al-ways, in any-way.  And what are always and forever intrinsically worth?  Why is it inherently valuable?  It isn’t ... it is the moments and effort that make up forever that hold the value. 

We have learned that the concept of always and forever as merely a promise to do so is what is expected.  Yet our lives are filled with so much fear, pain, hurt, betrayal and lies.  We recognize in others the manipulation and deceit because we recognize it in ourselves.  And we realize that always and forever doesn’t exist.  Because conditions change and therefore the always and forever were actually based on those conditions.

Our words and intentions are put to the test when someone or something is not in alignment with what we want.  When our conditions are not met, we feel it personally.  And the years of always and forevers begin to hold less weight.  The response is usually to blame the other.  They are not the same, they have changed, they have ... yet if your always and forever were authentic, your resolve is un-waivered.

And so we begin to beat ourselves up because our always and forever isn’t so.  

We realize that our love is based on certain criteria.  

We realize that love is not for-ever, love is for NOW.  

www.walkstrong.ca

" Who Are You ... "

I took the tube back out of town

Back to the Rollin' Pin

I felt a little like a dying clown

With a streak of Rin Tin Tin ...

I stretched back and I hiccuped

And looked back on my busy day

Eleven hours in the Tin Pan

God, there's got to be another way ...

Who are you?

Who, who, who, who?

Who are you?

Who, who, who, who? ...

~ The Who ~ Who Are You? ~

***

Who are you today?  Who were you yesterday?  Who will you be tomorrow?  What popped into your mind?  Did you immediately think of your job title?  Did you identify yourself with a relationship?  Did you describe your body, your personality or favorite hobby?  

The notion of identity, of who we think we are ...

We are so quick to identify ourselves using our circumstances, how others perceive us, our behaviours, or our positions in life ... which limits our growth, leaves us lost and confused.  Ironically, these same labels can give us a sense of belonging, security, shape the way we act and feel but they are misleading because none can fully describe the multifaceted reality of being human. 

I think the most damaging is when we cling to negative identities ... “I am diabetic, I have cancer, I am no good with money, I can’t sing” ... we cling because it is part of our comfort zone.  You see we know our boundaries, what we can and cannot do, so we never venture out.  

Think about it ... if the labels we give others stem from our shallowest impulses and prevent us from really knowing another person, the labels we assign to ourselves are even worse. They destroy us from within. No matter what the label, the more we cling to it, the more pain we are going to suffer. 

So how do you expose the real YOU?  Start with recognizing the identities you are holding on to.  Next speak about them in a different way allows you to detach from them.  The reality is that you are not your circumstances, you are not what you do, you are not roles and you are not your thoughts and beliefs.  

Here are some examples of how looking with a different perspective changes things ....

phrase                                             re-worded

I have cancer                                   my body has cancer

I am broke                                       I would like to have more money

I am disabled                                   I am a person with a disability

I am fat                                            I would like to be more healthy

I hate my job                                    I would like to find another job

I am just a stay at home mom           I raise my children

The idea is that after you can no longer do what you do, whether by choice or not, you will still be you.  Knowing how to let go of any given identity without losing our essential selves yields a security we'll never get from fame, power, money, beauty, or any other personality prop.  Through stillness we remain ourselves no matter what happens ... loss or gain, pain or pleasure, fame or disrepute.  

Hence when the bad labels come at you glue-side up, or the positive ones are stripped away, ask yourself “who are you really?” ... 

" True Colors ... "

"But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow"

~ Cyndi Lauper ~ True Colors ~

***

In the middle of week 45 of my Gerson Therapy and I am reflecting on what the last 10plus months have been about.  I remember having a conversation with some friends at the clinic, worried that I wouldn't make it a week on this treatment ... now eyeing my one year anniversary in March.  I remember talking to them about how was I going to put my life on "hold" ... what would my life look like ... and who would be around.  As I have said in the past, peoples true colours shine thru at times of crisis.  I wondered who would be around and who would flee, who would understand and who would give up, and who would wait and who would move on.  It is a very lonely journey, a very difficult journey and I am sure for a lot that read this ... thankful it is not them.

I was told that "the right people in your life will be there through the journey".  And I am blessed to have my husband and family with me regardless of the outcome.  So why is it so painful then when I think of those that have moved on ... maybe because I haven't yet.  Those friendships that were not what they seemed.  Leaving me blaming myself, asking why the hell I had to get this dis-ease ... is it fair to ask them to wait, to be present, to be inclusive ... true colours shining thru.

So how do you deal with friendships that have disappeared in your time of crisis ... well I have realized that my flaw is that I hang on for waaaaay too long and besides patience, forgiveness is the hardest thing to do.  I do understand that we all move on ... on our own time.  But sometimes the process takes longer than I expect - being fulling cleansed of all lingering hang-ups and scars, not just at the surface level.  The journey of conscious growth never ends.

Compounding our baggage ... sound familiar?  We all do this by our projections of people, assumptions of situations and expectations of how relationships should be.  So if you are still holding on to what could have been, it is time to release yourself.  Aha!  easier said than done right?  You see depending on how deep the emotional impact was, it might take several phases before you can really move on.  Part of the journey ... yet making progress every step along the way, an act of healing in itself.

So I begin by acknowledging, accepting and then letting go of my feelings ... the longer and more intense the relationship, the more baggage I have accumulated ... a mix of sadness, regret, hope, melancholy, shame, fear and disappointment.  Whatever the emotions, learning to open myself to the emotion fully ... taking the time to process, embrace and accept them ... not block or bottle them in because when you least expect it, it can be explosive.  You think you have moved on, but what's really happening is the issue has just become so deeply buried that it doesn't cause any immediate reaction.  

Second, I share with loved ones.  Realizing that I don't have to go thru this alone.  My family & friends are there for a reason, to help me, support me and pull me thru this period.  Their overwhelming patience makes me grateful for who they are and our friendships ... and this experience undoubtedly has strengthened us.  

Third, I practice forgiveness.  A powerful idea.  When we refuse to forgive someone, we are not really forgiving ourselves * Sigh * ... carrying the anger and bitterness is a breeding ground for sickness.  Chances are the other person doesn't even know how you are feeling towards them, so really you are the one carrying the baggage around.  Maybe on a deeper level, these feelings are towards yourself, allowing this person to hurt you.  Whenever you hold on to something, you prevent yourself from receiving new things in life.  I tell myself that when I forgive myself for putting myself thru this trauma and everything that has happened, naturally I will forgive them too.

Finally. I know that I am good enough even when something doesn't work out.  Acceptance of ME.  Everyone looks for different people in their lives.  There is no criteria on what are the right or wrong traits to embody, just different expectations.

Reflecting on this journey, from diagnosis to present day, it has truly been a very long healing process.   Still a work in progress.  Every day, I work towards finding peace in my life.  I try not to beat myself up or think I am not good enough when it comes to relationships.  Believing that all of us enter into each others lives for a reason is helping me become a better, not bitter, person.  Some days I win the battle ... and other days, well I accept where I am at and keep trying.

I started this blog with the intention to share, express and help others in their journey by sharing mine.  We all have pain and sadness from an experience, but I deeply feel there is always a way out.  It takes courage to move to a better place and connecting with like-souls, I hope we help each other from whatever we are entrenched in to gain strength in moving on from past wounds.

" Heal The World ... "

"There Are Ways
To Get There
If You Care Enough
For The Living
Make A Little Space
Make A Better Place...

Heal The World
Make It A Better Place
For You And For Me"

~ Michael Jackson ~ Heal The World ~

***

Recently, I read about Dr. Bernie Siegel.  For some this name may sound familiar ... Dr. Siegel is a physician who has cared for and counseled countless terminally ill patients.  He embraces a philosophy that bridges medicine and spirituality.  And although he has a few best-selling books, I am intrigued by his book titled Accept, Retreat & Surrender: How to Heal Yourself.  Heal Yourself resonates quite nicely with me, but I was curious of the acceptance, retreat and surrender aspect.  

For me, now, I look at my illness as an opportunity.  What am I to learn from this dis-ease and where do I start.  Knowledge is power right? ... so I have been super keen to learn as much as I can.  According to 

Dr. Siegel he asks the question "What approach should you take to your illness?" and has three words of advice .. Accept ~ Retreat ~ Surrender.  He says those words might scare us if we were inexperienced, but according to him, those that have employed these tactics have won great battles.  

Acceptance ...  Dr. Siegel says we need to accept our situation if we want to be empowered to change it.  He doesn't mean we need to accept any particular outcome of a dis-ease, but need to accept that the dis-ease exists in our lives and that we are a participant.  Once we accept that the dis-ease or other misfortune has become a part of our lives, we can eliminate or alter it.  We cannot play a part in changing it and our lives if we avoid, deny or feel hopeless.  Accepting the situation does not mean accepting someone else's prediction about what will happen to you.  No one knows what your future will hold ... the best course is accepting that you have problems while denying anyone's predictions about how the situation will turn out.  My favourite saying .. "Individuals are not statics".

 

Retreat ... retreat does not mean withdraw.  According to the wise doctor "retreat means withdrawing to a quiet place where you can be aware of your thoughts and feelings. The quiet place may be anywhere; the source of true peace and quiet are inside you. In my retreat I withdraw from all the demands of life, but at the same time I am fully alive to myself and my loved ones. I do not always retreat alone. I can retreat with those who are close to me so that we can heal our forces and prepare to take on life when our retreat is over. When we return we are ready to fight for our lives".  We need this space, this withdrawal as a time to restore and heal ourselves.

Surrender ... not to the outcomes but to the events.  Dr. Siegel says we waste so much energy fighting the nature of life.  "Accept the nature of life and surrender to it".  When we do, we will have peace.  When our energy is restored, we stop fighting things we cannot control, and we start re-building our lives.  He says "Surrender is not about doing nothing; it is about doing the right things".  Surrendering allows us to continue to receive and repair, to let go of the pain, fear and worries and welcome joy, love and gratitude in our lives.  

We continue to learn and heal ourselves as our journey never ends ... above are a few thoughts to help us deal with adversity, misfortune and in extreme situations, illnesses.  I believe we can play an integral part by choosing to be a participant and not a spectator.

"Diseases can be our spiritual flat tires ... Disruptions in our lives that seem to be disasters at the time, but end by redirecting our lives in a meaningful way"

- Bernie S. Siegel 

" Circle of Life ... "

"Some of us fall by the wayside
And some of us soar to the stars 

And some of us sail through our troubles
And some have to live with the scars
In the circle of life
It's the wheel of fortune
It's the leap of faith
It's the band of hope
Till we find our place
On the path unwinding
In the circle, the circle of life"

~ Elton John ~ Circle of Life ~
***

Well I guess it's been almost one full week since we last connected on this blog.  And in the last week, a great deal has transpired.  We have been sending healing prayers to Paul and his family whom I wrote about last week.  And they are working.  Paul has been inspired by the love and energy he is receiving and is fighting back.  Truly a miracle is happening in front of our very own eyes and we are more than thrilled to witness this amazing time.  We continue to send powerful healing prayers, blessings and energy knowing in our hearts He is listening and answering.

As well this week, there has been an emotional roller coaster ride of events happen .... Besides Paul's gentle recovery as mentioned, we had a good friend of ours, Karen, become a first time Grandma to baby Sienna.  We had another couple friend of ours planning their wedding festivities, and then we just found out that another friend of ours whom we were blessed to meet in Tijuana passed away.  Yes, an emotional ride is an understatement.  What is has done is drain my energy ... I have not been this exhausted in a very long time.  Probably because of the opposing emotions ~ sorrow and joy, pain and comfort, suffering and compassion, and weakness and strength.  All the things I wrote about last week.  We were hoping that there would just be illumination for a while, with darkness leaving us.  Only brightness and sunny days ahead ... But the reality is that this is truly the circle of life: birth and death. 

There are miracles that do happen as well.  I firmly believe our time is up with He needs us.  I use to believe that our destiny is written ... but what I do feel now is that we can negotiate ... ask for more time, be given another chance.  And, if He can do without for a while, then well, we re-write that destiny.  How that is decided, is unknown and some may read this and think .... ah, o-kay, surrrrrrrrre or what-ever.  And hey to each their own.  But for me, this is how I make sense of all this.  

It is an emotional time, a trying time, a real test.  I write a fair bit about personal journey, following our own path, believing we heal individually ... but I have not written about miracles.  And truly living and breathing human beings are miracles.  Miracles are when your friend is close to walking thru heavens doors and instead is inspired to fight, negotiate and re-write his destiny.  Miracles are when a precious baby is born out of love and shares her happiness with just her presence on our Earth.  Miracles are when a friend passes on, leaving an impact on her family and friends much further than she may have realized when she was alive.  Miracles are when two people find true love.  Miracles are the circle of life.  

As obvious as it may seem for some, there are times when things just click, make sense and you have an A-HA! moment.  This week, there has been many of them.  Life just carries on, and it must carry on.  You see, we can mourn and celebrate in the same moment.  And really, life presents those moments to us in those ways for a reason.  What that reason is ... well, still working on that.  But I know in my heart, there are blessings around every corner, in every place ... in every BODY.  

And maybe this circle of life is also a circle of healing ... an opportunity for growth ... and opportunity to create the world we wish to live in versus fight the world we are currently in.  This is what I choose to take from this last week ... emotionally charged but as I sit here on Sunday night blogging my thoughts, I have a sense of peace, solace and a tad bit more understanding of the concept of the circle of life.

"There is a well of infinity hidden within each Soul. 

There you will find an incredible energy source, 

beyond your broadest understanding. 

It is Light and Healing. The Force of Nature. The essence of Love"