" True Colors ... "

"But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow"

~ Cyndi Lauper ~ True Colors ~

***

In the middle of week 45 of my Gerson Therapy and I am reflecting on what the last 10plus months have been about.  I remember having a conversation with some friends at the clinic, worried that I wouldn't make it a week on this treatment ... now eyeing my one year anniversary in March.  I remember talking to them about how was I going to put my life on "hold" ... what would my life look like ... and who would be around.  As I have said in the past, peoples true colours shine thru at times of crisis.  I wondered who would be around and who would flee, who would understand and who would give up, and who would wait and who would move on.  It is a very lonely journey, a very difficult journey and I am sure for a lot that read this ... thankful it is not them.

I was told that "the right people in your life will be there through the journey".  And I am blessed to have my husband and family with me regardless of the outcome.  So why is it so painful then when I think of those that have moved on ... maybe because I haven't yet.  Those friendships that were not what they seemed.  Leaving me blaming myself, asking why the hell I had to get this dis-ease ... is it fair to ask them to wait, to be present, to be inclusive ... true colours shining thru.

So how do you deal with friendships that have disappeared in your time of crisis ... well I have realized that my flaw is that I hang on for waaaaay too long and besides patience, forgiveness is the hardest thing to do.  I do understand that we all move on ... on our own time.  But sometimes the process takes longer than I expect - being fulling cleansed of all lingering hang-ups and scars, not just at the surface level.  The journey of conscious growth never ends.

Compounding our baggage ... sound familiar?  We all do this by our projections of people, assumptions of situations and expectations of how relationships should be.  So if you are still holding on to what could have been, it is time to release yourself.  Aha!  easier said than done right?  You see depending on how deep the emotional impact was, it might take several phases before you can really move on.  Part of the journey ... yet making progress every step along the way, an act of healing in itself.

So I begin by acknowledging, accepting and then letting go of my feelings ... the longer and more intense the relationship, the more baggage I have accumulated ... a mix of sadness, regret, hope, melancholy, shame, fear and disappointment.  Whatever the emotions, learning to open myself to the emotion fully ... taking the time to process, embrace and accept them ... not block or bottle them in because when you least expect it, it can be explosive.  You think you have moved on, but what's really happening is the issue has just become so deeply buried that it doesn't cause any immediate reaction.  

Second, I share with loved ones.  Realizing that I don't have to go thru this alone.  My family & friends are there for a reason, to help me, support me and pull me thru this period.  Their overwhelming patience makes me grateful for who they are and our friendships ... and this experience undoubtedly has strengthened us.  

Third, I practice forgiveness.  A powerful idea.  When we refuse to forgive someone, we are not really forgiving ourselves * Sigh * ... carrying the anger and bitterness is a breeding ground for sickness.  Chances are the other person doesn't even know how you are feeling towards them, so really you are the one carrying the baggage around.  Maybe on a deeper level, these feelings are towards yourself, allowing this person to hurt you.  Whenever you hold on to something, you prevent yourself from receiving new things in life.  I tell myself that when I forgive myself for putting myself thru this trauma and everything that has happened, naturally I will forgive them too.

Finally. I know that I am good enough even when something doesn't work out.  Acceptance of ME.  Everyone looks for different people in their lives.  There is no criteria on what are the right or wrong traits to embody, just different expectations.

Reflecting on this journey, from diagnosis to present day, it has truly been a very long healing process.   Still a work in progress.  Every day, I work towards finding peace in my life.  I try not to beat myself up or think I am not good enough when it comes to relationships.  Believing that all of us enter into each others lives for a reason is helping me become a better, not bitter, person.  Some days I win the battle ... and other days, well I accept where I am at and keep trying.

I started this blog with the intention to share, express and help others in their journey by sharing mine.  We all have pain and sadness from an experience, but I deeply feel there is always a way out.  It takes courage to move to a better place and connecting with like-souls, I hope we help each other from whatever we are entrenched in to gain strength in moving on from past wounds.