" Growth ... "

The only thing constant in the world is change

That's why I stay, I take life as it comes

~ India Arie ~ Growth ~ 

***

For those of us that are involved in personal and spiritual development work, the path can be rough and challenge us in different ways ... especially when it comes to relationships.

Inevitably there will be people in our lives that are not interested in this sort of thing.  They would rather go out late and party, sit around and gossip, or procrastinate about their career or do anything else but.  

You see, once you plunge headfirst into finding out about your life, your intentions, your motivations, your thoughts ... you begin to face what you need to heal and then you have a chance to release and let it go ... you change as a human being ... you are not the same as you were.  You see the illusions, you attempt to lift the veil ... and those around you that are not on the same path may find you just plain ... odd?!

Why ... well you engage in different kinds of conversations, where it seems impossible to pretend any more ... no matter who long you’ve “known” each other.  You are more comfortable with space, silence, introspection ... others feel awkward, uncomfortable and anxious.  

So, no one said this was going to be easy ... 

if you find yourself in a similar scenario there are some ways to cope.

Start by stopping ... the urge to convert your loved ones.  And this is a tough one, because personally speaking, this path has enriched my life and I want to share it.  I want everyone to come along for the ride.  But pushing does more harm than good by pushing them away.

Second, not everyone is interested.  Interested in your experiences that is.  I have found that those that aren’t are looking for the quick spiritual fix because they don’t have much time.  That is not to say that the thirst for inner peace is not present ... just not everyone is interested in what you have to say.

Last but most important ... don’t let other’s choices define your experience.  In embarking on the path of spiritual and personal development you have made a choice.  A choice that freedom matters to you.   That you are tired of the crap ... the one you carry around and also that others so graciously bring into your life.  Respect each others paths.

Staying true to your choices and what best for you is what matters.  You are worth the investment ... trust me.  You will find a whole new group of people who are willing to meet you exactly where you are, in this moment.  Go ahead and surround yourself with a community of people who are "awake, conscious, inspiring, and changing the world in their own unique and extraordinary ways".  

These people make a choice that lead them to a life full of gratitude ... 

And send blessings to those who choose a different path and adventure.  Their view of security, safety and reliability will match your embrace for freedom and the unknown.  Both are beautiful in their own way.

... Loving with an open palm is the way you bless others ...

www.walkstrong.ca

" The Prayer … "

I pray you'll be our eyes
And watch us where we go
And help us to be wise
In times when we don't know

Let this be our prayer when we lose our way
Lead us to a place
Guide us with your grace
To a place where we'll be safe

Let this be our prayer ...
Just like every child ...
Give us faith so we'll be safe ...

~ Celine Dion ~ The Prayer ~

***

Ever wonder why we need to pray at all?  I mean if God already knows what we need and is in charge then what is the point?

Well, if you consider that prayers are “divinely appointed”, then we can believe that God tells us about it in His Words.  Perhaps in simpler terms, prayers can be defined as talking to God and are a means, not an end in itself ... which carries His design accomplishes His purpose.

“Faith infuses prayer with great expectancy and is a gift by which the Holy Spirit grants us spiritual sense and sensibilities. It is the opposite of wishful thinking, apprehending unseen realities ... “

We pray because we long for connection … we regain perspective in our relationship with the Divine and of our place of humility.

We pray because we want to align with God’s will ... we have the ability to lift our challenges to Him, surrender, and trust the process.

We pray because we can ... God expects to hear from us and he hears all requests.

We pray because we feel more centered ... a sense of grounded-ness and serenity results.

Personally,  I think of prayer as a conscious relationship or friendship with God.  And similar to great conversations I have had with close friends, I have had some good ones with Him.  Instead of making deals or asking for conditional wishes to be granted, I believe with my heart to let go and let God ... and praise Him for his kindness and mercy.

Hence, perhaps we pray at our deepest level because we are drawn by the bonds of love and our deepest reality ... aligning with Him and help experience a deeper well-being ॐ

" Stages ... "

I ain't got a single thing to do.

It happened before I knew what was going on.

I fell out and knew that I was gone.

Stages keep on changing,

stages rearranging love ...

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Tell me it's for real and let me know

why does lovin' have to come and go.

Stages keep on changing,

stages rearranging love.

~ ZZ Top ~ Stages ~

***

I find myself in an interesting space when asked “what stage are you?”.  Do I answer the stage of my diagnosis, the stage of my emotions or the stage of my healing.  I guess it is safe to assume that most are referring the “illness”.  Yet for me, my answer is around emotions and healing because that is where I think my focus should be.

As I move along my healing journey, I am learning how quickly my emotions can destabilize which trigger feelings of insecurity and a greater loss of control.  I am learning how chaos, confusion and even symptoms of depression arise ... and I am learning on their presence mean healing is taking place.  Ironic isn’t it?  Yet like much of life, it is a universal process that allows one to learn that this very chaos is very necessary.

For me, illness is where I must let go of my identity as a “sick” person and embrace my life as a healthy person ...

Thanks to my primary health practitioner and meditation teacher, I have learned that stages of healing can be felt on many levels of your being ... physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual.  And since we are all unique, and cope differently, the sequence of stages (below) vary ... but we do move in and out of each at our own pace ... taking days, months or even years.  Positive or negative, the need for healing allows the old identity to make way for the new.

Shock ~ sudden crisis, trauma, uncontrollable loss, emotional numbness, disbelief and or the inability to mentally comprehend the situation

Denial ~ life seems unreal, sense of “this cannot be happening”, time to fully comprehend what is occurring, safety mechanism designed to stop you from losing control

Pain ~ anger, frustration, resentment and even envy, asking “why me”, feelings of desperation, unfairness and unjust, 

Bargaining ~ due to feelings of guilt, you give up something, make a sacrifice or dedicate your life to servicing hoping that things will right themselves, a subconscious way of balancing out the scales

Depression ~ feelings of can’t do this anymore, can’t go on or what is the point?, spirit is low, losing hope, despair, feeling defeated, lack of motivation and enthusiasm

Surrender ~ resignation to the situation which allows acceptance, practicing letting go of things in your life that are not as important, provides relief because you release the resistance and stress associated with it

Recovery and Reconstruction ~ after you surrender and accept your situation, you are ready to take responsibility of your life and how you feel once again, you have the ability to express yourself fully, you begin to learn who you are and you like what you see

Rebirth and Renewal ~ ready to change your life so you can start again, encouraged by your progress and may feel the need to go on a retreat to get to know yourself even better

Moving on ~ coming out of a time of loss and change from what you had to leave behind, you attract new and excitement into your life ... your new life.

You don't have to have an illness to identify with the above.  Life is full of stages which allows us all to go through small or large healing processes.  And every stages has its place on the road to recovering your true self, soul and spirit.  I have found that you can find your way back home, but now, I am different because my difficult experiences and the subsequent strengths and resources developed have transformed me.

So where do I go from here ... to the present.  I have to challenge myself to not look too far backward or too far forward.  I have learned that losses are not a good reason for living anymore.  And I know that my diagnosis does not diminish my humanity.

May we all strive to live in the moment with consciousness, patience, compassion and appreciation for each other, in spite of all the pain of our losses ...

" Deep ... "

On the edge

Of a know-nothin' town

Feelin' quite superior

The aged come

To the sky above

He just ain't nothin'

But he's got a great view...

Can't touch the bottom

In too deep

~ Pearl Jam ~ Deep ~

***

Have you ever been told you are “too sensitive”?  Have you ever heard someone equate your feelings to an ocean of emotions?  I have ... many times, along with “you take things too personally are are too emotional”.  And even though I use to think of it as a flaw, now I know it is an advantage. 

Deep feelings, straddled between the area of conscious and subconscious.  Think of them as emotional residue coming up at any time and affecting you, your thoughts, your judgement, and your relationships.  Often we are unaware how our emotional residue impacts our thoughts, decisions and behaviours.   

You see many of our poor reactions to situations, circumstances and communications stem from the deep areas within us that we are not necessarily consciously aware of.  And it is the emotions down deep that we don’t see ... that hinder us the most and effect how we treat others.

In my past, I had the tendency to think that things were not going to get better because I had memories, associated feelings and thoughts that said things are just not going to work out.  I would feel as if what was happening is just more of the same old ways, and that would give me the same old outcomes as they always had.  My past memories contributed to my feelings of defeat and doubt before anything had happened ... because I didn’t see the bubble ... those old feelings that came up in the midst of my opportunity.  

Prepared to deal with it, I started to uncover the underlying deep feelings of hurt.  For a long time, it was buried down deep and I wanted to leave it there.  Yet similar to a bubble that comes up to the surface of the water, I needed to recognize and understand the source of the feeling before I let it burst. 

Now I use my "advantageous flaw" and look at where those feelings come from, why those feelings are still there, and then how I can let them go.  I recognize they come from some area of disappointment where something didn’t work out the way I had hoped for.  For me, I now realize that no matter how screwed over I feel, life is not a broken record playing the same outcome every time ... it’s only my feelings and associated thoughts that are playing that repeated outcome.   

True healing comes at the source or root of the pain.  And for me, I am willing to open up to my personal constraints with humility.  Deep feelings of hurt are within us, whether you see them or not ... yet how they are affecting you is for you and your honest self to deal.

" True Colors ... "

"But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow"

~ Cyndi Lauper ~ True Colors ~

***

In the middle of week 45 of my Gerson Therapy and I am reflecting on what the last 10plus months have been about.  I remember having a conversation with some friends at the clinic, worried that I wouldn't make it a week on this treatment ... now eyeing my one year anniversary in March.  I remember talking to them about how was I going to put my life on "hold" ... what would my life look like ... and who would be around.  As I have said in the past, peoples true colours shine thru at times of crisis.  I wondered who would be around and who would flee, who would understand and who would give up, and who would wait and who would move on.  It is a very lonely journey, a very difficult journey and I am sure for a lot that read this ... thankful it is not them.

I was told that "the right people in your life will be there through the journey".  And I am blessed to have my husband and family with me regardless of the outcome.  So why is it so painful then when I think of those that have moved on ... maybe because I haven't yet.  Those friendships that were not what they seemed.  Leaving me blaming myself, asking why the hell I had to get this dis-ease ... is it fair to ask them to wait, to be present, to be inclusive ... true colours shining thru.

So how do you deal with friendships that have disappeared in your time of crisis ... well I have realized that my flaw is that I hang on for waaaaay too long and besides patience, forgiveness is the hardest thing to do.  I do understand that we all move on ... on our own time.  But sometimes the process takes longer than I expect - being fulling cleansed of all lingering hang-ups and scars, not just at the surface level.  The journey of conscious growth never ends.

Compounding our baggage ... sound familiar?  We all do this by our projections of people, assumptions of situations and expectations of how relationships should be.  So if you are still holding on to what could have been, it is time to release yourself.  Aha!  easier said than done right?  You see depending on how deep the emotional impact was, it might take several phases before you can really move on.  Part of the journey ... yet making progress every step along the way, an act of healing in itself.

So I begin by acknowledging, accepting and then letting go of my feelings ... the longer and more intense the relationship, the more baggage I have accumulated ... a mix of sadness, regret, hope, melancholy, shame, fear and disappointment.  Whatever the emotions, learning to open myself to the emotion fully ... taking the time to process, embrace and accept them ... not block or bottle them in because when you least expect it, it can be explosive.  You think you have moved on, but what's really happening is the issue has just become so deeply buried that it doesn't cause any immediate reaction.  

Second, I share with loved ones.  Realizing that I don't have to go thru this alone.  My family & friends are there for a reason, to help me, support me and pull me thru this period.  Their overwhelming patience makes me grateful for who they are and our friendships ... and this experience undoubtedly has strengthened us.  

Third, I practice forgiveness.  A powerful idea.  When we refuse to forgive someone, we are not really forgiving ourselves * Sigh * ... carrying the anger and bitterness is a breeding ground for sickness.  Chances are the other person doesn't even know how you are feeling towards them, so really you are the one carrying the baggage around.  Maybe on a deeper level, these feelings are towards yourself, allowing this person to hurt you.  Whenever you hold on to something, you prevent yourself from receiving new things in life.  I tell myself that when I forgive myself for putting myself thru this trauma and everything that has happened, naturally I will forgive them too.

Finally. I know that I am good enough even when something doesn't work out.  Acceptance of ME.  Everyone looks for different people in their lives.  There is no criteria on what are the right or wrong traits to embody, just different expectations.

Reflecting on this journey, from diagnosis to present day, it has truly been a very long healing process.   Still a work in progress.  Every day, I work towards finding peace in my life.  I try not to beat myself up or think I am not good enough when it comes to relationships.  Believing that all of us enter into each others lives for a reason is helping me become a better, not bitter, person.  Some days I win the battle ... and other days, well I accept where I am at and keep trying.

I started this blog with the intention to share, express and help others in their journey by sharing mine.  We all have pain and sadness from an experience, but I deeply feel there is always a way out.  It takes courage to move to a better place and connecting with like-souls, I hope we help each other from whatever we are entrenched in to gain strength in moving on from past wounds.

" Rushing ... "

"This year, this Christmas forever,

And the weeks and the months go rushing by

This year we've learned to live

How to forget, and how to forgive without fear"

~ Moby ~ Rushing~ 

***

What's the rush?  I guess it is easy to ask that question when your days are filled with the schedule I have, but seriously ... what IS the rush?  Pretty much everyone seems to be in a hurry, have lots on their plate, feeling burnt out, run down, and have very little time to do much of anything.  Plus with the holiday season upon us, there are plenty of parties and festivities and expectations ... take that busy crazy life and double it!

Recently, I read that highly sensitive people don't like to work under stress and pressure.  It makes them nervous and lessens the quality of their performance.  Makes sense to me ... a highly sensitive person.  With a high level of consciousness, I have had conflict between wanting to do well and feeling unable to do so ... building an intense internal struggle.  Yes, no wonder burn out was familiar territory ... then a sense of pressure ... and then rushing.

So why do we rush?  You see, within our internal battlefield, we are driven to perform, excel and succeed ... do good work, earn more money .. or have fear that we don't have enough.  For some of us, we feel flawed for being overly sensitive and try to prove that we are not.  We feel behind in life accomplishments or over-scheduled because we don't want to miss anything ... but in the end we do things that are not important to us.  Sometimes, we postpone the things that bring us pleasure until we have completed our tasks ... but they are never ending it seems.

Sometimes we don’t use our time wisely ... we play games, answer lots of email, create complicated solutions to our small problems ... and then rush to compensate.  Rush because we feel we have limited energy for any one thing and cram it all into as much possible time available.  Maybe we rush because we are afraid to stop ... to see what is underneath, emotionally, when we slow down.

So how can we stop the busyness and feel less rushed?  We can start by making new choices.  Recognize that rushing is a choice.  We can choose to follow our intuition about what is the next important thing for us to focus on.  Honour deeper intuitive messages that guide our lives.  Become conscious and deliberate about the choices we make.  We can observe, not absorb, the energy of rushing around us.  We can build counter-rushing time into our schedule.  

So plan to slow down to the speed of your life and ask yourself if the choice you are making is in alignment with who you are here to be ... and remember, from a spiritual perspective: 

You are right on time. 

"Two Kinds of People ..."

Ella Wheeler Wilcox (1850 - 1919)

THERE are two kinds of people on the earth to-day;

Just two kinds of people, no more, I say

Not the sinner and the saint, for it's well understood,

The good are half bad, and the bad are half good.

Not the rich and the poor, for to rate a man's wealth,

You must first know the state of his conscience and health.

Not the humble and proud, for in life's little span,

Who puts on vain airs, is not counted a man

Not the happy and sad, for the swift flying years

Bring each man his laughter and each man his tears.

No; the two kinds of people on earth I mean,

Are the people who lift, and the people who lean.

Wherever you go,you will find the earth's masses, 

Are always divided in just these two classes.

And oddly enough, you will find too, I ween,

There's only one lifter to twenty who lean.

In which class are you?  Are you easing the load,

Of overtaxed lifters, who toil down the road?

Or are you a leaner, who lets others share

Your portion of labor, and worry and care?

"Staying Conscious ..."

Compliments of DailyOM ...

"Staying Conscious"

Staying Grounded in a Big City or Busy World

1. Live simply and live deliberately. By choosing not to get caught up in the details of this fast-paced world, you are doing your part to slow down. You will discover that you have more time to enjoy being alive. 

2. Stay in touch with yourself. Soul searching, meditation, and journaling are just a few of the many activities you can take part in to stay aware and learn as much as you can about your emotions, reactions, likes, dislikes, dreams, and fears. Having a solid sense of self gives you a firm foundation for living in this world. 

3. Support or teach others as often as you can. This can help you form connections with people while also giving you an opportunity to make the world a better place. 

4. Consciously choose what you will allow into your being. The media bombards us with visions of hate, war, and pain. Be judicious about what you read, watch, and listen to. 

5. Acknowledge the beauty that resides around you. Whether you live in a sprawling metropolis or a stereotypical suburb, there are natural and man-made wonders just waiting to be discovered by you. 

6. Nurture your ties to your tribe. If you don’t have one, create a community that you can belong to. Modern life can be isolating. When you have a tribe, you have a circle that you are a part of. Its members – loved ones, friends, or neighbors - can be a source of support, caring, guidance, and companionship. 

7. See the larger picture. Remember the way that you choose to live is not the only way to live. Widen your perspective by exploring other modes of being through research, travel, and discussion. 

8. Embrace the challenges that life presents to you, and challenge yourself often. After a time, even the most exciting jobs or lifestyles can seem routine. Never stop assimilating new knowledge about whatever you are doing, and your life will never seem dull. 

9. Move your body. In this busy world, it can be easy to live a sedentary life. Movement reacquaints us with our bodies and connects us to the earth in a visceral way. It also restores our vitality. 

10. Make time for stillness, silence, and solitude. The world can be noisy, and we are subject to all kinds of noises nearly every waking hour. We are also often “on the go” and unable to relax. Being alone in a peaceful place and making time for quiet can help you stay in touch with yourself.

"For a more grounded life, choose not to get caught up in the fast-paced world around you"