" Don't Give Up ... "

Don't give up
'Cause you have friends
Don't give up
You're not the only one
Don't give up
No reason to be ashamed
Don't give up
You still have us
Don't give up now
We're proud of who you are
Don't give up
You know it's never been easy
Don't give up
'Cause I believe there's a place
There's a place where we belong

~ Kate Bush ~ Don’t Give Up ~

***

Don’t let love pass you by.  Don’t let fear win.  

Don’t give up on love, give in.  Put love into action.

Great sentiments but what about when they hurt you?  Are you able to give another chance or do you cut them out of your life for good?  Whatever your answers are, you can’t lie to your heart.  People hurt us in our life in completely different ways.  Love is a very bumpy road where grudges have an opportunity to find a home.  

And it is sometimes easier to give up ...  

But, loving and being loved are what make our lives worth living.  Sadly, many people experience times in their lives when they close off their hearts.  But love is the energy of life.  This is what motivates us, every day, to keep going.  It gives us meaning and purpose ...

By reaching out and loving others, we can find true fulfillment.  Because what we focus on, grows.  Everyone in the world wants to be loved and accepted.  But this starts from within.  Believe that you are worthy enough, good enough for love.  I grew up believing that I would find that special someone, that prince charming ... the “right” guy.  And although I’m blessed with a pretty awesome guy, I realized that it was not about finding the right person.  It is about being the right person. 

So when we give up on love, do we give up on ourselves?  

Sometimes ... not able to make blanket statements about relationships, it really is about being okay with your decision to give up or give in.  You know what is right for you, but either way ... 

www.walkstrong.ca

" A Matter Of Trust … "

Some love is just a lie of the heart
The cold remains of what began with a passionate start
And they may not want it to end
But it will, it's just a question of when
I've lived long enough to have learned
The closer you get to the fire the more you get burned
But that won't happen to us
Because it's always been a matter of trust ...

Some love is just a lie of the soul
A constant battle for the ultimate state of control
After you've heard lie upon lie
There can hardly be a question of why
Some love is just a lie of the heart
The cold remains of what began with a passionate start
But that can't happen to us
Because it's always been a matter of trust

~ Billy Joel ~ A Matter Of Trust ~ 

***

Suffering a betrayal of trust can be one of the most difficult times in your life ... and depending on the severity, some never recover.  Yet as we know ... life goes on, with or with out your participation.  And most of us recover ... sadly a bit more wounded, thankfully a bit more wiser.

As we move forward we decide if we are willing to give those that violate our trust another chance.  And regardless if they remain in our lives, it starts with forgiveness, because this is what leads to healing and restoration.

I remind myself that when I choose to rebuild a relationship, I choose to forgive what was and therefore make room for new memories ...

Trust is such a challenging thing to gain and once you lost it, some say it is impossible to regain.  Probably because wounds we gain from being hurt by those we love and admire run deep ... and not easy to get over ... but nothing is “impossible”.

So how do you rebuild trust?  You accept that you cannot change or fix the other person.  You take responsibility and apologize for your role in the situation.  You make an effort to not break future promises.  You become an active listener.  You put yourself in their shoes, empathize.

And when you have made a commitment to work on a fragile relationship the worst thing you can do is bring up past events.  If you say you have forgiven, it is unfair to bring up past mistakes.  Leave the past where it is, the past.

And be patient.  Allow the other person time ... time to understand, time to choose, time to reconcile, because regaining trust is a healing process and if the relationship is worth it, this too shall come.

" I Hold No Grudge ... "

Yes I’m the kind of people

You can step on for a little while

But when I call it quits

Baby that’s it

I’m the kind of people

You can hurt once in a while

But crawling just ain’t my style

I hold no grudge

Deep inside me there’s no regrets

But a gal who’s been forgotten may forgive

But never once forget

~ Nina Simone ~ I Hold No Grudge ~

***

Grudges ... defined as “resentment strong enough to justify retailiation”.  Personal injustice ignites resentment in our hearts, which in turns into a grudge.  And everyone has, at some time or other, been hurt deeply by someone, so this is a natural human reaction  Yet when we want revenge instead of focusing on what we need to solve the problem, we  halt our healing.  And why do we want revenge?  Because we have developed bitterness about that person or situation.

You see when someone hurts you, your instant reaction is to hurt them back.  Our very nature spurs us to settle the score, to get even.  And the person who hurts us might not even know how angry and bitter we feel ... these emotions continue to aggravate at their supposed indifference.  Yet at all health levels the only one we hurt is ourselves.

Holding a grudge will only devour you from the inside out because YOU refuse to forgive the one who hurt you.  The price to pay is too high because life keeps running on rewind.  We allow ourselves to be handcuffed to the negative past, causing us to irrationally dwell, and allowing us to find blame for our present failures.

So how do you even begin to let go?  Start by altering how you view the situation.  You can’t change what happened, but you can change our attitude about it and reduce the power it has over you.  Of course you cannot fully erase the memory banks of your mind but you do have the power to refuse to think on past injustices, once forgiven. 

Ask yourself : At present, what purpose is holding onto that grudge serving you? 

It has probably poked holes in your energy bucket as fatigue is the faithful companion of a grudge.  You see we waste so much unconscious energy maintaining our grudge.  Instead we can choose to release it and welcome a new surge of  positive emotional and physical energy.  

Grudges are the domain of petty people, not YOU.  Why spend another moment being hung up on hate while present on earth.  Make the decision to kick it out of your life  ... the most it will cost you is happiness in the long run.

" True Colors ... "

"But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow"

~ Cyndi Lauper ~ True Colors ~

***

In the middle of week 45 of my Gerson Therapy and I am reflecting on what the last 10plus months have been about.  I remember having a conversation with some friends at the clinic, worried that I wouldn't make it a week on this treatment ... now eyeing my one year anniversary in March.  I remember talking to them about how was I going to put my life on "hold" ... what would my life look like ... and who would be around.  As I have said in the past, peoples true colours shine thru at times of crisis.  I wondered who would be around and who would flee, who would understand and who would give up, and who would wait and who would move on.  It is a very lonely journey, a very difficult journey and I am sure for a lot that read this ... thankful it is not them.

I was told that "the right people in your life will be there through the journey".  And I am blessed to have my husband and family with me regardless of the outcome.  So why is it so painful then when I think of those that have moved on ... maybe because I haven't yet.  Those friendships that were not what they seemed.  Leaving me blaming myself, asking why the hell I had to get this dis-ease ... is it fair to ask them to wait, to be present, to be inclusive ... true colours shining thru.

So how do you deal with friendships that have disappeared in your time of crisis ... well I have realized that my flaw is that I hang on for waaaaay too long and besides patience, forgiveness is the hardest thing to do.  I do understand that we all move on ... on our own time.  But sometimes the process takes longer than I expect - being fulling cleansed of all lingering hang-ups and scars, not just at the surface level.  The journey of conscious growth never ends.

Compounding our baggage ... sound familiar?  We all do this by our projections of people, assumptions of situations and expectations of how relationships should be.  So if you are still holding on to what could have been, it is time to release yourself.  Aha!  easier said than done right?  You see depending on how deep the emotional impact was, it might take several phases before you can really move on.  Part of the journey ... yet making progress every step along the way, an act of healing in itself.

So I begin by acknowledging, accepting and then letting go of my feelings ... the longer and more intense the relationship, the more baggage I have accumulated ... a mix of sadness, regret, hope, melancholy, shame, fear and disappointment.  Whatever the emotions, learning to open myself to the emotion fully ... taking the time to process, embrace and accept them ... not block or bottle them in because when you least expect it, it can be explosive.  You think you have moved on, but what's really happening is the issue has just become so deeply buried that it doesn't cause any immediate reaction.  

Second, I share with loved ones.  Realizing that I don't have to go thru this alone.  My family & friends are there for a reason, to help me, support me and pull me thru this period.  Their overwhelming patience makes me grateful for who they are and our friendships ... and this experience undoubtedly has strengthened us.  

Third, I practice forgiveness.  A powerful idea.  When we refuse to forgive someone, we are not really forgiving ourselves * Sigh * ... carrying the anger and bitterness is a breeding ground for sickness.  Chances are the other person doesn't even know how you are feeling towards them, so really you are the one carrying the baggage around.  Maybe on a deeper level, these feelings are towards yourself, allowing this person to hurt you.  Whenever you hold on to something, you prevent yourself from receiving new things in life.  I tell myself that when I forgive myself for putting myself thru this trauma and everything that has happened, naturally I will forgive them too.

Finally. I know that I am good enough even when something doesn't work out.  Acceptance of ME.  Everyone looks for different people in their lives.  There is no criteria on what are the right or wrong traits to embody, just different expectations.

Reflecting on this journey, from diagnosis to present day, it has truly been a very long healing process.   Still a work in progress.  Every day, I work towards finding peace in my life.  I try not to beat myself up or think I am not good enough when it comes to relationships.  Believing that all of us enter into each others lives for a reason is helping me become a better, not bitter, person.  Some days I win the battle ... and other days, well I accept where I am at and keep trying.

I started this blog with the intention to share, express and help others in their journey by sharing mine.  We all have pain and sadness from an experience, but I deeply feel there is always a way out.  It takes courage to move to a better place and connecting with like-souls, I hope we help each other from whatever we are entrenched in to gain strength in moving on from past wounds.

" Cry ... "

" Somebody shakes when the wind blows

Somebody's missing a friend, hold on

Somebody's lacking a hero

And they have not a clue

When it's all gonna end

You can change the world (I can't do it by myself)

You can touch the sky (Gonna take somebody's help)

You're the chosen one (I'm gonna need some kind of sign)

If we all cry at the same time tonight "

~ Michael Jackson ~ Cry ~

***

Somedays is it hard to stay positive, focused.  Somedays is it hard to stay strong, have faith and know your truth.  Somedays you just feel awful, question your path and just want to cry.  Yes, I have had those days ... and where do they come from, what were my triggers .... well, I have had someone tell me that my spirits are not as high as they use to be.  I have had someone tell me that I put on weight.  I have had someone tell me that I hope I finally decide to do the right thing.  I have had the realization that a close friendship of mine as changed.  Yes I have had a few of those days.  On the flip side, I have also had people tell me ... don’t be negative.  But sometimes it is just difficult.  And most of my blogs are about attitude, strength and courage.  Yet I have to realize that I am human, normal and I have the same fears and doubts that everyone else does.  And that is okay ... it is also okay to cry, and cry is exactly what I did ... 

The bright side is that there are a great deal of healing benefits of crying.  When we cry, we release negative emotions in a natural way for our bodies to cope with unwanted feelings of distress or fear.  Yet there are several other benefits to our mental and physical health.  

Crying can lower our stress levels by removing some chemicals and hormones that are built up, similar to sweating when exercising.  And the opposite can happen if we hold back tears ... we can increase our stress levels which as we know can lead to numerous other health issues.

Crying is an emotional response so when we shed tears, our endocrine system releases endorphins, or feel-good hormones, that stabilize the mood ... some may identify with “I just needed a good cry”.  When we cry, we give our bodies the ability to stabilize and become balanced again.  

“Tears are natural antibacterial and antiviral solutions that fight germs we get in our eyes.  The fluid lysozyme in tears is capable of killing up to 95% of all bacteria in a matter of minutes”.  So crying can help prevent you from getting sick.

Not all tears are the same.  Tears that are formed out of emotional distress or grief have more toxic byproducts in them than tears of irritation.  So emotional tears, made from stress, are capable of washing away wastes and toxins, therefore detoxifying our bodies.

Crying moisten our eyes and prevent dehydration of membranes surrounding our eyeballs.  We need tears as they enable us to see, they provide the lubrication we need for healthy eyesight.

Crying has calming effects such as slowing of breath.  During the cry, you may have increased heart rate and sweating, however the calming effects usually last longer afterwards ... therefore remembering the pleasant side of a “good cry”.  

So remember, it’s your party and you can cry if you want to .... as crying does open up our hearts ... providing a safe space for clarity and clearing ... giving allowance to practice forgiveness and self-forgiveness.  And an opportunity to bring our mind, body and soul back in balance.

“Don’t cry because it is over, smile because it happened “ Dr. Seuss

"Apologize ..."

"I'm holding on your rope, 
Got me ten feet off the ground
I'm hearin what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me 
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say..."

~ OneRepublic ~ Apologize ~ 

***

My last post I talked about the Five Love Languages.  After more researching, I found that there are Five Languages of Apology.  How IMPORTANT is this considering since we have become experts in wronging each other.  When we blame others, we give up our power and when we give up our power, there is little to no chance of resolution.  Saying I'm sorry isn't just a matter of will, it is a matter of how we say sorry.

So what makes up how we say we are sorry?  Well, the Five Languages of Apology are: Expressing Regret, Accepting Responsibility, Making Restitution, Genuinely Repent, and Requesting Forgiveness.  

Expressing Regret

The admission of guilt and shame for the pain we have caused someone else.  For some, the words "I'm sorry" is all they need to accept the apology.  It is direct, requires no other action and doesn't try to deflect blame.  It is a powerful language when used authentically, reflecting sincerity.

Accepting Responsibility

Admission of being wrong is difficult for many of us, as it makes us doubt ourselves and feel like failures.  Yet accepting responsibility can be sufficient for those we have hurt.  Saying "I am wrong" tells others we are able to overcome our larger "self" and admit our fault.  Owning your mistakes, showing your vulnerability and setting aside your ego displays sincerity in our apology.

Make Restitution

Some feel that for sincere apologies, actions should be justified.  Demonstrating the apology such as flowers, a card, a grand expression of regret can help.  Strong efforts to make amends are required for those that believe in this type of language.  Assurance of love, respect and desire to right your wrong are welcomed.

Genuinely Repent

This language displays not only a sincere apology but the desire to modify behaviour to avoid the situation in the future.  This stems from the heart in order to truly change.  A glimpse of true self, showing vulnerability, the desire to change and a plan to make it happen is assurance to those that accept this language of apology.

Request Forgiveness

For some, a verbal request for forgiveness is wanted.  Assurance that forgiveness is recognized and they are still loved.  Requesting forgiveness is also requesting the relationship to be fully restored, because you are proving that you truly sorry for what has occurred.  Also, you are wiling to put the future of the relationship in the hands of the other person, leaving the final decision to them - forgive or not to forgive.  Not an easy situation because you are opening yourself to rejection, or alternatively an opportunity to grow and heal from the situation regardless of the outcome.

It is important to understand that forgiveness should not be treated lightly.  

It is precious and needs to be cherished and appreciated.  

The act of forgiveness is hard on both sides 

~ for the person who is asking and for the person who is accepting.  

Try remembering that and practicing empathy when you next opportunity for forgiveness arises.