Saturday, October 5, 2013

" Roll The Credit ... "

I know you directed it.
I'm sure I produced a bit.
So why is that chick stealing my show?

Roll the credits.
Yea yea ...

I know you directed it.
I'm sure I produced a bit.
I thought you were meant for me.
My name should be on that screen.
We weren't even at the end, but you started auditioning.
And let somebody star in my show ...

~ Paula Deanda ~ Roll The Credits ~

Do you have an insatiable need for credit?  Do you crave approval?  Do you fear rejection? ... I guess during some moments in our lives we can identify with these questions and respond yes, but when you mainly rely on other people to satisfy your emotional needs then it could be a sign of insecurity.

And here’s the ultimate catch ... the need for credit and approval robs you of your freedom.  I spent most of my life seeking until I realized that it didn’t work.  Sadly the desire to get people to like me motivated the majority of my choices and actions earlier in life.  This held me back as I constantly worried about what others thought of me and feared criticism.

Those who know me know that I have always been a high achiever ... and at times, I have compromised my health, my relationships, my profession.  This need resulted in doing too much and feeling anxious, worried, trying to please all, making no time for me, working to hard and being unable to say no.  I was spending a lot of time on things I didn’t enjoy and developing habits that hindered my performance.

Doing what is right or what is expected instead of what you want.  Recently I had a family member ask me “what does it matter what others think if you are confident in where you are”.  And I guess that was the key.  The confidence.  If falters and sways, often.  And those are the times when not only I take on a new task but I look for way to get my gold star.  

I want “them” to be proud ... I want “them” to be in awe,  I want “them” to be inspired.  I want them to “okay” it so IF anything does go wrong, well “they” gave their stamp of approval so I wasn’t the only one who made a mistake, I wasn’t alone ... 
wow, what a revelation ... trusting myself is challenging.

Moving through the process ... 
I started a self-appreciation journal where I acknowledge the things that I am most proud of about myself ~ insights I have learned, times I have stayed true to myself and even things I like about me.  It helps to see things in writing ... it feels more permanent, more real.  And I am very aware of how I speak to myself or self-talk.  I practice compassion first and foremost, and check in with myself often.  My meditation practice have been integral in this.  Yet probably most importantly, I am honest with myself when I take on something new ... I ask is this right for me or do I just want to get credit and approval to avoid disappointments.

It is important not to confuse receiving love and approval with having personal worth.  If you base your value as a human on others approval of you, you are telling yourself that you have to earn self-worth and value.  Accept yourself for who you are because other people’s love for you and approval of you is not based on what you had perceived to be your necessary perfection.

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