Tuesday, August 4, 2015

" Dealing ... "

“ ... Where do we go from here
What do i do with these feelings
longing to have you near
knowing we shouldn't be dealing ... 

Why must the bad things always feel so good
Why can't i just stay away
Thought our situation was understood, 
still does not mean its okay

Knowing we shouldn't be dealing ... 
I'll wake up in the morning and it will not be the same
Everything's is different we just play this simple game ... “

~ Eric Roberson ~ Dealing ~

Dealing with cancer is like pandora’s box.  Full of surprises.  I use to believe that my body betrayed me and just gave up.  

I bought into the idea that I would grow up, get an education, get a good job, get married, have kids and all would be well ... exactly as planned.  But when the bubble burst, all that was left was guilt ... that if I had just been a better daughter, sister, wife, friend, employee ... that I would not have got cancer-ed.  I didn’t understand why others habitual behaviours didn’t lead to an illness.  I had enormous guilt within me and societal influences supported my delusional mind. 

The truth is that within, I had no idea what cancer was and how I could get it.  I was in complete denial of what life was presenting.  I refused to accept the gravity of the situation and I didn’t know how to cope.  

Fast forward to those moments of anxiety, panic and stress when your body cannot do the things it use to prior to diagnosis ... acceptance.  The lesson I keep learning is it is not about how it should be, it is about how it feels ... gut feels.  And applying that in all aspects of this health crisis.  

So I am learning to gift myself the ability to rest my mind, when I choose, to observe my thoughts without judgement by focusing on one conscious breathe ... meditation.  I am learning to take my power back, learning to find joy in this journey and to shine this light within until my last conscious breathe.

And for the days that it seems so very hard to deal ... those days I tell myself ... it’s okay, you’ve done what you could, ease up and meet yourself at a softer place, let yourself rest, taking what you need, releasing what you don’t, you are safe, you are loved, you are protected ... while taking that one conscious breathe.

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