" Where Are You? ... "

Hey you

Have you felt like this before?

You got style but ain't got soul ... 

Is there no future in sight?

Oh is it different now? Is it different?

Come on

Where are you? Where are you?

I'm kicking and screaming ... 

But this could be the best day, of my life

The best day of my life

~ Our Lady Peace ~ Where Are You?

***

It’s been some time since I blogged.  Really it’s been some time since I’ve done much at all.  It’s been a rough time, but I am here.  The last 2.5 weeks or so I’ve been sick ... 

severe nausea, headaches, fever, wooziness, sleepless nights, out of sorts, and well basically not myself.  

First and foremost, Russell has been my rock, my Mom and Dad have been my foundation and my sister and bro-in-law have been my pillars.  I cannot even think of how I would have gotten through it all without any of them by my side.  And thanks to my beautiful friends Ally and Vanessa, letting me know that I am not alone, they are there for me, praying and holding me up, supporting me ... 

After a few panic attacks, not my proudest moments, test results, which came back normal, and plenty of doctors appointments and consults with my team of doctors here and in Mexico ... I am slowly getting back to before all this.  So, what is all this ... looks like a virus or bug of some sort.  And it hit me extremely hard.  The symptoms are still present but not has strong ... and what I couldn’t understand was how this could be happening?

With almost 16 months on the therapy, I’ve been extremely fortunate to have minor flare ups ... or healing reactions/crisis.  So it is scary when you are not fully aware if what you are experiencing is a major healing crisis or a disease crisis.  No thanks to dr.Google ... there is a lot of wrong information out there.  You truly have to be find out for yourself.  And that is the frightening part.

I was under the assumption that since I am building up my immune system and blogging about it ... how could I get sick?  Newsflash ... we all get sick, giving our immune system an opportunity to kick in and go to work.  Wow, this has been a time where my faith, my beliefs, and my hopes have all been tested.  Again.  And in all honestly, they continue to be.  I was hoping this would get easier, but it doesn’t.  With my anxiety and panic, on a scale of one to ten, at a 100 ... I found it so difficult to stay rational and calm.  During the time of unknown, my Dad said to me, whatever it is, face it with determination, strength and courage.  Easier said than done because many times, I seriously thought this was ...

Today has been the first day since that I wanted to blog again ... and let you know yep, still here, taking baby steps to get back to a new normal.  And during this troubling time I read something that really resonated with me that I wanted to share ...

“And once the storm is over, you won’t remember how you made it through, 

how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, 

you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.” 

♥ Haruki Murakami

" Let It Grow ... "

Plant your love and let it grow.

Let it grow, let it grow

Let it blossom, let it flow

In the sun, the rain

the snow,Love is lovely

let it grow ... 

Looking for a reason

to check out of my mind

Playing hard to get a

friend that I can count on

When there's nothing left to show

Plant yout love and let it grow ... 

Time is getting shorter

there's much for you to do

Only ask and you will

get what you are needing

The rest is up to you

Plant your love and let it grow.

~ Eric Clapton ~ Let It Grow ~ 

***

With a gorgeous sunny day today, I took the opportunity to finishing planting veggies, the second rotation, in our garden boxes today.  And it is so satisfying ... If you remember last year, Russell built four boxes out of untreated cedar wood and materials.   Our neighbours were so intrigued, they asked if he could build some for them as well.  And thanks to beginner’s luck, we had all sorts of vegetables to choose from.

This year, we got smarter and decided to rotate our crops and stagger when we planted the seeds.  We had an abundance of lettuce last year, more than we could manage, and yes that is a great deal considering I still have green juices 4 times a day!

We highly recommend the brand, Seeds of Change.  They are certified organic and in an environmentally friendly package.  

We are awaiting growth from the following foods, full of vitamins and nutrients, and of course some of it is used for the Gerson greens we juice:

Mesculan Salad Mix

Spinach

Endive

Cilantro

Collard

Arugula

Basil

Shell Peas

Onions

And you may think, why bother growing your own veggies?  Well it definitely takes time, care and patience ... and you basically have to want to do it.  But some other reasons include: 

• saving you money
• giving you the satisfaction of knowing what goes into your food
• allowing you to become healthier fast
• and nothing is more local than food grown in your own backyard, your windowsills, or on patio containers

I know that gardening is not for everyone, but it allows Russell and I to share the goodness from our garden with our loved ones ... something we are more than happy to do.

let your food be your medicine, and your medicine be your food ~ Hippocrates

" Shame ... "

My life is different now I swear

I know now what it means to care

About somebody other than myself ...

So if you could find it in your heart

To give a man a second start

I promise things won't end the same

Shame, boatloads of shame

Day after day, more of the same

Blame, please lift it off

Please take it off, please make it stop

~ The Avett Brothers ~ Shame ~

***

Shame ... more than an emotion like fear or grief, it registers in our hearts as a deeply painful feeling.  Most of us recognize it when we want to hide or disappear ... hang our heads, sag our shoulders and unable to look at anyone in the eyes.

So why talk about shame?  Well I only recently shared with a confidant that once I was diagnosed, I had moments of shame.  I felt embarrassed because in a world where we strive for our lives to be perfect, I failed.  I had imagined that I let my family down, I had let my friends down, I had let my work down ... and the worst, I had let myself down.  

To add insult to injury, I had recently become a certified personal trainer.  I was SUPPOSE to be a picture of perfect health, because NOW I was a professional in the field.  What a crock!  How could I face clients when I couldn’t walk the talk?  How could I expose my feelings of being somehow “less than” women who did not have breast cancer.  And then came the thoughts of being “marked” and “unlucky” and inferior because of this diagnosis.  I started to think that I had a big scarlet “C” on my forehead.  

Yet what I realized is that my feelings of shame were feelings of being worthless and unlovable instead.  So familiar.  You know the saying that “you have to love yourself before anyone can love you?”, well I secretly wondered how anyone could truly love me because most of my life, I struggled with loving myself.

I know I wasn’t alone ... at least in the feelings of shame.  Shame-bound people believe themselves to be seriously flawed.  It is a profound feeling of self-rejection ... secretly debilitating, eating away at your soul.  

I had to find a way to let those shameful feelings go and realize that they didn’t belong to me.  I started to do the work and boy it was an uphill battle.  I had to stop carrying the heavy burden and toxic presence.  Instead of being the cynic, looking for the “catch” or “hidden agenda” ... I started to truly believe in ME.  Replacing self-judgement with self-acceptance ... We are all valued, we are all loved, we are all deserving ... we are all GOD’s children.

And I know that it is a continuous struggle ... believing that you deserve the best, feeling equal to others, and learning to trust yourself.  Perhaps this is why cancer came into my life ... to teach me how to finally know what loving myself is all about ...

" These Are The Moments ... "

And these are the moments,
I know heaven must exist.
And these are the moments,
I know all I need is this,
I have all I've waited for,
And I could not ask for more ...
And these are the moments,
I thank God that I'm alive.
And these are the moments,
I'll remember all my life.
I've got all I've Waited for,
And I could not ask for more.

~ Sarah Evans ~ These Are The Moments ~

***

Some moments are “memorable”, others as “unforgettable” ...   times in our lives that define us as a person and add to our life experience ... life lessons resulting in a sense of maturity and new found wisdom.  Most of us agree these are our defining moments ~ a point in life when decision meets action.

Some examples of powerful defining moments are:

• facing consequential decisions regarding a relationship
• confronting the need for change in a career
• tackling a life threatening illness

Regardless, what the moment represent is more important than the actual circumstances.  And these moments don’t have to be so monumental as the above.  Every day we have defining moments that are created by action. Small or big these moments determine who we are to a large extent.  

Yet the vast majority of people go through life without the awareness of the power of the defining moment.  You see we face these moments more often than we realize, and it is because we face them so frequently and so rapidly that we fail to recognize them for what they are.

Character revealing ... How you handle a difficult circumstance has a lasting impact on others and likely you.  Often the hardest conversation we can have during difficult periods is the one we have with ourselves ... this defines us.

Challenge your status quo ... We would play out the same script if all our decisions and actions were merely a replay of what we already know.  Taking a step back, breathing and gaining a fresh perspective for what is at stake and what it calls for us to do and be ... this defines us.  

But the true power of the defining moment is in repetition.  When repetition becomes consistent, we create patterns that become habits.  Habits become personality traits and these define who we are.  Stretching ourselves displays our willingness to push the boundaries of our comfort zone, because in our most difficult times comes the greatest learning and growth.  Have a profound respect for the unknown is where learning begins, as personality is the public face, but character comes from within.

" Fake It ... "

it's a rush

keep your eyes on the ball

make them believe you have it all

it's a show

whatever you do don't let them know

you're just a tragic kid

sex, drugs and rock'n'roll

biggest cliché ever told ... 

bring it on

the hair and the make up

get that badass attitude

hit the stage

like you got no future

crank those marshalls till they die

jack daniels and money talks

life is good when you're on the rocks ...

fake it, you gotta fake it till you make it

~ Big Boy ~ Fake It ~

***

You may be familiar with the saying “fake it till you make it” ... you know, the recommended behaviour to “pretend” until we are the real thing ... hmmm, so along the same lines, is it acceptable to fake kindness or love ... pretending to care as an alternative to showing that you don’t?  

Believe it or not, some people think so because they start out pretending to care, next thing you know, they actually do care ... because they like the positive feedback ~ the way it makes them feel.  So first you pretend, then it turns into the real thing.  

No harm done right?

Yet what about the authentic experience?  Are we not just trying to brainwash ourselves?  Think about it ... when you “put on a happy face”, it induces greater happiness.  When we pretend to laugh, we sometimes make ourselves really laugh.  And when we recite affirmations, are we not trying to convince that inner voice that maybe knows better?

Possibly before very long, “faking it” creates a new, authentic experience of our desired state ... so again, no harm done right?  But where does integrity fit in to all this?  Well, we lose it and we lose it quickly.  Integrity means that the ‘inside’ and  ‘outside’ are harmonious.  And instinctively, we trust people of integrity ... because we know in our heart of hearts that they are not faking it .. our soul tells us that they are worthy of our trust.  

To me it makes more sense to acknowledge my limitations and position I am in.  The best thing I can do is act within my means because there’s a fine art in managing expectations when I am aiming high and my resources are limited.  That is not to say that I don’t focus on the knowledge within and believe that I have everything I need to succeed.

I guess we all have to decide how much "fake" we can live with ...

I know building something from nothing is not easy, but lying about it won’t make me feel any better about my struggles.  I don't "pretend to care" because when I actually do care, others won't know the difference.  I choose to live without pretending, knowing that I can say I made it and didn't have to fake it ...