" Version ... "

We could live
In a house outside of town
We could build
Our own version of society ...

There'd be no one to answer
To and complicate our lives
We could be
The epitome of self-sufficience ...

Modify your version so we can carry on ...

~ Incubus ~ Version ~

***

We live in a society where it is a commonly held conviction that illness is the fault of the person who is sick.  This delusional way of thinking is due to conditioning.  Why?  Because we are told if we do “something” we can avoid ... illness, aging and/or death.  So if you “get sick”, it must be your fault.  Add to this, how many feel uneasy and even fearful when a friend is ill.  They don’t know what to say or what to do.

... it is not about the perfect words or the perfect gift ...

Begin with your intentions.  I’ve said before that if your intentions stem from kindness, compassion and generosity than they are likely to enhance the well-being in others as well as ourselves.  

From my perspective, although cancer lives with me, I don’t really know what someone else who has been diagnosed is “going through”.  Simply put ... I only know my version of it.  I will not even begin to try to figure out where they are.  I know the fear, the dread, the sadness, the shame.  And I also know the blessing, the gift and the clarity it has brought.  Again a version that is shared through through my writings.  So I bring forward my challenges and lessons, my success and failures, in hopes to help others.

... in the end, 

it doesn’t matter what type, stage, duration or treatment ...

You see, regardless of the chaos in life, it is about speaking or acting in a way that you believe in your heart will ease suffering ... and maybe help find peace with life as it is.  When your actions are motivated with these intentions, your inclination to behave in this way is strengthened.  

... being told to “think positive” and old cliches help no one ...

We all know that you cannot control the results of your actions, ever.  But with forgiveness and compassion in your heart for both of you,  just try again ...

www.walkstrong.ca

" Understanding … "

You hold the answers deep within your own mind.

Consciously, you've forgotten it.

That's the way the human mind works.

Whenever something is too unpleasant, to shameful for us

to entertain, we reject it.

We erase it from our memories.

But the imprint is always there.

Can't wash it all away

Can't Wish it all away

Can't hope it all away

Can't cry it all away

In our mutual

Shame we hide our eyes

To blind them from the truth

That finds a way from who we are ...

~ Evanescence ~ Understanding ~

***

Why is it that trying to understand the behaviour of some people is like trying to smell the color 9?  Seriously.  I recently saw some one whom I knew for a very very long time.  We were good friends, some may have even thought best friends ... we have a lengthy history but we no longer are in each others lives.  And what happened ... I got ignored.  Yep, ignored.

But I think the interesting thing was the environment.  Their energy was odd and the scenario was random.  And once I realized who this person was, they had sailed by, pretending to not know me and who I was.  Really if you think about it they were right ... they don’t know me, not anymore.  And, perhaps they never did.  Afterwards, I felt unsettled, with a physical sensation of nausea and fear.  My body was shaking and speaking to me ... and I listened.

I listened because I now understand.  I understand how difficult behaviour can manifest itself as rudeness, open anger and even aggression.  And like all negative forces, these attitudes and behaviour tend to be contagious.  They drain collective energy, foster misconceptions, bring out the worst in others and spark conflict … no thanks.

Perhaps the randomness was the universes way of saying ... 

• be grateful for what was and appreciate what is
• see how far you have come
• don’t look back, there is nothing there for you
• you made the right decision
• don’t settle
• you deserve better

There is no unfinished business when there is no business.  We tend to romanticize the past, wish, hope or cry for what was instead of accepting what is.  For me, acceptance is not the issue ... it is the lack of general consideration, kindness and compassion for another human being ... reminder: what they think of me is none of my business.

Ultimately, it is a true test of oneself when you can still have grace and compassion for someone who treats you poorly ... a measure as to how far you have come and perhaps how far they still need to go.

" Say What You Mean ... "

Say what you mean

Mean what you say

Think about the words

That you're using

Speak for yourself

Say what's on your mind

Think about the life

That you're choosing

Whenever you need somebody

Whenever you're looking

For somebody who knows

When trouble won't leave you alone.

I'm ready to take you now

Whenever you want to go

Yeah, my heart is there for you 

For always and ever, now ...

~ Moody Blues ~ Say What You Mean ~

***

I think that our biggest misconception about communication is that we are all good at it ... that we clearly speak, completely understand and we think we say exactly what we mean.  Yet the truth of the matter is that even in the best of relationships with the best communicators, we mis-communicate more than we communicate and we misunderstand more than we understand.

Think about it  ... when we have something that we want to communicate we are first faced with the task of trying to figure out exactly what it is that we want to say and, as we all know, that task is not always easy. The task becomes even more difficult when what we have to say is very important to us or in some way emotionally complicated. Somehow we have to put words on our experience, on what we want to say, and much more often than not, the words we have are at least somewhat inadequate to the task.  So much gets lost in the translation ... 

Even taking those words back and trying again can be tough because the receiver may already be responding to whatever clumsy jumble we coughed up and lost in whatever that cycle of misunderstanding and confusion is that we fall into again and again.  Add to the dilemma how complicated it is to clearly hear what they are saying and translate their unique way of saying things into our unique way of hearing things with any degree of accuracy.

Communication and healthy relationships, deep waters that you must dive into over and over again to make it work ... 

The problem is that each time an effort to communicate becomes hopelessly stuck in a pattern of miscommunication, we are reluctant to try again.  Yet when we really let go of our perception of how things are going to be based on the past, we open ourselves up to the possibility that things can be better.  

The art of patience and curious listening ...

Stop the Blame Game ... instead of blaming others, we can take personal responsibility for how we communicate.  We can realize that the message we are trying to give is not being heard and our approach not working.  When we own our ability to respond, we can be more aware of our own attitudes and behaviours.  Without judging ourselves, we can regard ourselves with an attitude of kindness .... because we all have areas we need to improve.

Communication is tough, real tough.  But if we are more likely to forgive the awkward process of stumbling around tyring to figure out what we mean and how to say it, we express or true self, who we really are and what we really feel.  Remember, unscripted dialogue may be a poor approximation of what ultimately is meant to be said.  

By having grace for others, we are more likely to give them the space that they need to figure out what they mean and how to say it ... and we are less likely to react to our first misinterpretation as if it were perfectly accurate.