Thursday, June 19, 2014

" Deserve ... "

Ooh, yeah, yeah, well, well, well
Do you mind if I tell the truth for a second y'all? ...
I don't like it but I know, I gotta trust you
It ain't cool 'cause I know, it's true
For me to ask you, who the hell you trying to impress?
For you to laugh it off like it ain't nothing
I know it's something maybe just maybe
But we do the same shit
~ Tank ~ Deserve ~

All you want is a little honesty ... a little truthfulness.  Perhaps too much to ask from some.  Yet what hurts more is not the lying, but that they didn’t think you deserved the truth.  Yeah ... that ones hurts deep, real DEEP.
So again, the lesson is being served (enter crazy scream sound effect) .... to find out who you can count on again ... and to find out who you can’t count on ... to find out if you are a priority ... or if you are a second thought ... to find out if their lives are so busy ... or find out they just don’t have time for you.  And it is not about “expecting” things to crap out, or paranoia ... it is about treating each other with respect, love and trust.  Ahhhhhh yes ... TRUST, the kicker ... you can win some but you sure can loose some.  So perhaps they didn’t trust you ENOUGH ... so then what is the foundation of your relationship?
Ranting, raving, bitching and complaining ... not worth the time.  Therapy?  Well that is what blogging is for, an outlet, a means to express.  So I find myself asking the question AGAIN... what do YOU think you deserve?  Sitting in zen meditation, grateful for the stillness which allows for answers to arise ... and they always do.  
You know your worth, you know who you are, nothing and no one defines you ...

Loud and clear.  Then why the suffering?  why the sadness?  why the tears?  because the lesson is being served AGAIN.  WTF ... AGAIN!!  Clearing away the ego-based negative energy ... I ask myself, what is there for me to learn this time?  what did I miss the last time?  where is the gift?  where is the blessing?  

I am open and I am ready to receive the message ...
Yes, there is always a message.  Or a sign.  Waiting and wondering for it.  I know the insight will present itself, when it needs to.  So I sit with this, discomfort et al, and know that I need to get out of my own way.  Let it unfold as it will.  Let it happen as it will.  It doesn’t require your assistance.  It doesn’t require your approval.  
I get it, it makes sense ... but it doesn’t make it any harder ... 

Allowing myself to feel all the emotions that come with it.  I let them come and go.  I make efforts not to grasp.  Not to attach.  Not to get a hold of ... but to allow them to be as they are.  Just stepping out of the way ... at times feels like losing control, but then control of what, with so much uncertainty what is real and what is an illusion?
Yet, I thought it was real ... and at a time, it probably was ... but we change and accepting you are just an option is the first step.  The empowerment comes with what you DO with it.  Not being a doormat, not making excuses for others.  
Rather live by example ... beautiful mantra and hard to apply ... but trying.  And even still, shit happens ... and this is one of those times.  So this too shall pass, because it always does.  Turning it around to gratitude and being thankful for the revelation, to know where and whom to focus energy and time on.  
Assuming that the relationship will recover is someone else making an ass of themselves.  Forgiveness is always available  ... and so are memories.  People ALWAYS remember how you treat them, not what you DO for them.  A good reminder and perhaps a new mantra to adopt going forward because a half truth is still a full lie.

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