" In Between ... "

Let me apologize to begin with

Let me apologize for what I'm about to say

But trying to be genuine was harder than it seemed

And somehow I got caught up in between

Between my pride and my promise

Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way

The things I want to say to you get lost before they come

The only thing that's worse than one is none

And I cannot explain to you

In anything I say or do or plan

Fear is not afraid of you

Guilt's a language you can understand

I cannot explain to you

In anything I say or do

I hope the actions speak the words they can ...

~ Linkin Park ~ In Between ~

***

There are times on this wellness journey that I just have to “sit in the fire”.  I have to surrender ... to the physical pain, and to the emotional turmoil.  I have talked about some of the healing reactions in the past, and am now experiencing more, yet again.

What hasn’t changed is every single time, my faith is tested.  Actually, my faith is tested every day if I am truly honest.  I have so many moments of not knowing.  Not knowing if this is the beginning of the end.  If this truly is how it is going to be.  If things are ever going to get better.  So I am learning to allow myself to sit in the fire ... surrender and accept what is happening in my life.  Rather than participating in the internal conflict my body is enduring, I realize that resistance is futile.  

Not to be mistaken for giving up ... it is relinquishing ... the fear, the heartache, the sadness.  It is realizing that I may have to let go and let be.  Not a battle, not a fight but a journey.  Yes it is hard, so so hard.  And there are days that I am not sure if I can.  I talk often to Russell about being tired.  So tired.  Just wanting to move on with our lives ... not a strict schedule, planning every hour and every meal.  Just wishing for the flexibility, and the ease of what life was.

Of course I know things could be worse.  Much worse.  And yes there are days that is some consolation.  But when you are sitting in the fire there is discomfort, pain, a sense of loss.  And  I am realizing that my mind is so powerful.  It is waiting for the self-doubt to kick in and BAM! ... it takes over.  Ready to led me down a path of destruction.  It is ready to tell me ... “I told you so” or “who are you kidding”.  It is armed with intense negativity and it is dangerous.

I know I have to work hard with balance ... with negative comes the positive, with the darkness comes the light.  I have to go back and remember in all the fires I have sat in, all the challenges and fears I have faced.  Acknowledging the incredible discomfort, yet getting through it.  I managed and survived.  

What is true is that in my experience of being with those feelings, identifying the thoughts that are creating the feelings and loving them is how it eases.  My present thoughts pave my future.  Life continually presents me with opportunities to dive in again and again, and to believe that the truth really is kinder than any story I have about it ... 

the past is where you learned the lesson ...

the future is where you apply the lesson ... 

just remember not to give up in the middle ॐ

" Belief ... "

Everyone believes

In how they think it ought to be

Everyone believes

And they're not going easily

Belief is a beautiful armor

But makes for the heaviest sword

Like punching under water

You never can hit who you're trying for

Some need the exhibition

And some have to know they tried

It's the chemical weapon

For the war that's raging on inside

Everyone believes

From emptiness to everything

Everyone believes

And no one's going quietly ...

~ John Mayer ~ Belief ~

***

This past Monday, Russell and I had an opportunity to take a guided tour of the new Calgary Alberta Temple.  Being a very large and prominent building which can be seen for miles, the local Mormon congregation has opened it doors for the general public.  This open house event last for about a month and after our visit, we highly recommend a peek.  

No, we have not converted nor is there pressure to.  On the contrary, they told us they will NOT contact us unless we state otherwise.  And, I really didn’t know what to expect, but I was quite curious as their seems to be a whole lot of historical secrecy around the religion.  This seemed like the right opportunity to find out why.

As we drove into the NW neighbourhood, there were easy signs posted, directed us to the temple entrance.  Approaching the main drive way, we were greeted by happy parking attendants.  We entered the smaller chapel where we were constantly met with kind volunteers, ushering us to a video room.  There we were introduced to our tour guides and shown a 10 minute video, mainly about the religion and the hows and whys the temple was built.  Next we were led outside towards the new temple which was connected with sidewalks and protected with tents just in case the weather turned.  Outside of the grand building we were given white booties to place over our shoes, protecting the newly placed floors.  Inside the environment was beautiful and serene where we were consistently greeted by members of the congregation.  All in all, the tour lasted about 40 minutes.

Instead of sharing with you further “details” of the temple ... I thought I would address the question that may be circulating in your mind.  Why?  My reply ... why not?  

For me, visiting a mosque, temple, church or synagogue does not challenge my religious beliefs.  On the contrary, it allows me to seek further enlightenment.  It inspires me and this latest visit reminded me of our past trip to India were we had an opportunity to explore the Baha'i Temple.  The Baha'i faith believes in the spiritual unity of all humankind or the oneness of humanity ... believing that all humans have been created equal and there is no distinction between people.  

IF we truly believe this and stand for equality, then we would believe that the human race is one unified organic unit.   That people have the same basic capacities,  and our physical differences are superficial.  Unfortunately, ignorance, prejudice and power-seeking prove otherwise.

Personally speaking, I believe that regardless of what you believe and whom you follow, our intentions are similar.  So instead of “segregation” why not “integration”.  We are all connected.  I am glad I relinquished my fear and instead opened my heart and my mind.  I feel fortunate for the opportunity as it allowed me to step closer towards recognizing the oneness of humanity.