You talk about things that nobody cares
You're wearing out things that nobody wears
You're calling my name but I gotta make clear
I can't say baby where I'll be in a year
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
Said my get up and go must've got up and went ...
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
~ Aerosmith ~ Sweet Emotion ~
I have to admit that lately, my emotions are all over the place. Triggered by physical healing reactions, throw in random interactions with acquaintances and friends, and top it off with anxiety ... the result, a mess. And trying to get a handle on it is literally an hourly, not even a daily task. Soooooo frustrating because I know that I am better than this, stronger than this and I got this ... I think?
To add some more stress to the mix, my week included a mandatory functional assessment by the insurance company who is funding my disability claim. A two-day episode of irrelevant tasks ... I was told “just because you are busy and diagnosed doesn’t mean you are disabled” and “you are going to have to figure out your own therapy schedule, move it around or miss something because this is mandatory ... if you don’t attend, you are out of compliance”. Yeah I know, can’t you feel the compassion and kindness (enter sarcasm here) ... on the upside, the physio therapist administering the task was very accommodating and understanding to my therapy schedule. She did everything possible to do her job and let me do mine. For this I am so grateful and know that there was a LOT of help from above.
Next came meeting up with old friends and acquaintances, whom I hadn't seen in years ... interesting for me as prior to my diagnosis, I use to have some anxiety around it and really not much has changed. Before I didn’t know why but I had these feelings but this time, I was more aware of my emotions around it ... shame and guilt surfaced, as I was fearful that there would be some judgement ... “cancer? how could you let this happen to you?” Yet something quite significant happened ... I practiced empathy instead of expecting it. How difficult it must be for them to be around me. Maybe they just don’t know what to say. And this was quite obvious as one person kept their distance ... but that is “their” stuff, not mine. Why should I carry around these feelings of awkwardness? It doesn’t mean they don’t care ... and it’s not all about me. I started to feel quite liberated with drop of wisdom. I started to let go and let be ...
question for you: Have you ever taken yourself out of a social gathering as an active participant and become an observer? I did just that with the above meeting ... and waves different emotions took over. Some sweet, some sour ... I started to feel sorry for myself ... sorry I couldn’t participate in the lovely meal, sorry I couldn’t participate in the conversation surrounding parenting, sorry I couldn’t be “just like everyone else”. But what does that really look like? I read somewhere that “If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.” You see, the grass may seem greener on the other side but until you go to the other side and look for yourself, you will always believe the situation you are currently in is worse that the one you see from afar.
As Russell says, this is part of the human experience ... at the moment, I feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. A time for me to sit with this, to truly understand why I am struggling with the courage to live and cope with life ... yet there is some peace in knowing “just like everyone else", we are all trying to maintain the full potential of just being human.