" Creepin' In ... "

"There's a big ol' hole
goes right through the sole
Of this old shoe
And the water on the ground
Ain't got no place else its found
So it's only got one thing left to do

Just Creep on in
Creep on in
An' once it has begun
Won't stop until it's done
Sneaking in"

~ Norah Jones ~ Creepin' in ~

***

Just when you think you got it all figured out ... it creeps in ... FEAR.  Once again, I thought I had this bad boy under control ... and bingo bango, it hits you in the face.  So what triggered it this time?  Well it could have been the "personal" visit from the rehabilitation specialist representing the insurance company.  Yeah, you read that right, they wanted to "put a face to a name".  Read between the lines ... they wanted to make sure I am doing what I say I am doing.  Not checking in but checking up.  Am I paranoid, nah, am I a realist, you better believe it.  

In preparing for the visit, Russell suggested show them my enema "apparatus" ... don't worry that didn't happen!  But I offered to show her the 50 lbs of carrots, the Gerson approved juicer, the medications cupboard, shower filters, and the list goes on ... nope, not interested ... They just want to know when you can go back to work.  Cancer Scmancer.  Not that I am surprised ... but oddly that is not what triggered the fear.  

So what did then, what triggered my FEAR ... let's see ... well it could have been the vacant look when I started explaining the therapy, no wait maybe it was the pity in their eyes thinking that you are fooling yourself by "healing your body" wholistically, or was it the feeling of being scolded and told that "you know this is a serious dis-ease which require serious measures like mastectomies", hmmm or maybe it was the questioning on if I regret the treatment choice because it is SO labour intensive .... WOW, thanks for all that, now I REALLY know what I am up for. Forget that you don't really want to know that I am on week 38 working this 12/hour a day programme, 7 days a week, with no financial support, with Russell by my side every moment managing my feelings, emotions, physical pains, aches and just trying to keep an optimistic view on a dis-ease that has become the number one killer, surpassing heart dis-ease ... 

Le sigh ... just breath and this too shall pass.

... And it did, and I am better as I write this, releasing the fear, pain and sadness that comes on this journey. I was disappointed in myself, angry actually after all of this ... asking myself how could I let this get to me ... telling myself, you were doing so well ... but realizing that hey, guess what, you are human and it is OKAY because this is one more check stop, questioning my path ... but I know that no matter whatever comes our way, Russell and I will handle it, we always do ... and besides what's the worst thing that can happen?  Oh right, it already has ... cancer.  

Funny, as I was about to wrap up this blog there was a knock on the door ... UPS delivery, the book I had on order "The Biology of Belief ~ Unleashing the Power of Consciousness, Matter & Miracles" by Bruce Lipton.  A sign perhaps, or just very good timing ... either way, I'll take it.

"Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyways" 
~ John Wayne

"I Was Meant For The Stage ..."

"From the floorboards to the flys,
Here I was fated to reside.
And as I take my final bow,
Was there ever any doubt?
And as the spotlights fade away,
And you're escorted through the foyer,
You will resume your callow ways,
But I was meant for the stage."

~ The Decemberist ~ I Was Meant For The Stage ~

***

Over this past weekend, Russell and I has the opportunity to play at the Jack Singer Concert Hall in Calgary.  Definitely a dream come true.  This facility hosts many great acts, plays and performances year round.  As mentioned in a previous blog post, the east indian community held a cultural event, Diwali, and this year, we were one of many acts playing at the event. 

Differing from our usual band sound, we played with an author and classically trained singer, Mrs. Jayshree Bhatt.  Our item included Russell on bass, myself on keyboard, Harjitbhai on tablas, Vineet on sitar and a choir of 12.  Mrs. Bhatt chose 4 religious ragas to celebrate Diwali.  With the purity of her voice, the trance-like tabla sound, the angelic choir and our non-ethnic feel on bass and keyboard, we delighted the crowd with four songs.  

In between all this excitement, I had to carry around my juices, meds and potatoes to make sure I was on schedule.  Some spoke quietly to each other as they curiously wondered what "drugs" I was ingesting prior to performing ... I felt like a bit of a druggie, getting "ready" to perform.  And to my surprise, it made me laugh thinking ... hmmm what are they thinking.  As well, I had a few people who "know" about my diagnosis, and I know they know, but they don't know I know they know ... whatever, anyhow these few looked shocked that I was walking, talking and even performing on stage.  In their minds, cancer means weak, frail, and dying ... and in their defence, that is probably their experience with family and friends.  They were greeting me, cautiously, probably not sure what or how the conversation would go.  For me, it was life as usual.  I was more worried about my performance and my indian sari falling off then the impression I was making to the casual few.  At that moment, I really didn't bother with what others thought, and it was liberating.  

My parents said to me a few nights earlier, that they were proud of me, where I was, and what I had become.  What I represented and knew that I was beating this horrid dis-ease with a great deal of class.  I guess I had what I needed to be "seen in public". I had myself, my own sense of who I am.  I wasn't there to impress anyone but ... me.  And I did.  And it was awesome.  Once again, I had Russell on stage, beaming and glowing in the moment.  And every time I looked in his direction, his smiling face made me laugh.  He was meant to be on stage.  His emitted his passion and true love for music and it was contagious.  

Another moment of feeling I was exactly where I was suppose to be in my life ... and loving every musical moment.

"Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life" ~ B. Auerbach

"Work It ..."

"Is it worth it, let me work it...
I put my bang down, flip it and reverse it...
If you got a big deal, let me search it...
I'd like to get to know ya so I could show ya...

Just make sure you ahead of the game..."

~ Missy Elliott ~ Work It ~

***

Yesterday I looked at the calendar and the weeks I have been on the Gerson Therapy ~ finishing off week 29 yesterday and starting WEEK 30 today.  Yep, completed 29 weeks ~204 days ~ 4,896 hours ~ 293,760 minutes ... and counting!  Since the inception of the programme there has been a few changes in regards to the reduction of medication and coffee "treatments", and the addition of certain foods again.  But really the changes have been physical ~ my energy levels are better, my skin tone is better (carrot glow y'all), and my body has changed.  There has been a significant shift in the last couple of weeks.  It is hard to describe but I what I can say is that I feel like I am truly healing.  One of the naturopath's I have been seeing said to me last week that "Once you start living your life instead of preventing your death, healing begins".  And it struck a cord, an aha! moment ... now I think I have already adopted that attitude, and have had to in a way due to the severity of the situation, but it is interesting when someone else says it to you in a way that just makes sense.  Hopefully it does for those of you that are reading this.  

Every day I work my programme.  I don't know how else to explain it - not much changes in the routine ... I am still on 13 fresh juices on the hour, every hour ... I am still on 4 coffee enemas ... I am still have oatmeal with fruit for breakfast ... I am still eating the special Hippocrates soup, baked potatoes and veggies for lunch AND dinner ... I am still on castor oil twice a week ... I am still on the Gerson medications combined with herbal and homeopath meds.  My days still begin at 6:30AM and end at 8:30PM ... I do have time between 9:30am and Noon & 2:30pm and 5:00pm for phone/personal visits, yoga, walks, meditation, blogging, and writing ~ staying pretty close to home though.  My day continues to be very structured, and I really don't mind the routine because I know what is coming and so does my body.  This is the biggest job in my life, my pivotal moment ... to heal my body.  

If you think about it we plan a great deal in our lives .... school, vacations, celebrations, investments ... yet if we don't really plan how to truly take care of ourselves ~ our bodies, our minds ~ the rest may never come.  This is not to be pessimistic, but merrily going along, going thru the motions, thinking that we will never get sick, nothing bad will happen and it won't be me, is probably not the best approach.  That is the approach I had.  I NEVER thought I would be in the situation I am in now, battling cancer.  Yet as I have said before, this is truly a blessing in my life.  Really because, I was so detailed oriented, so focused on the small stuff, and missing out on the big picture.  That has completely changed now.  And maybe this is all happening because I had to stop "sweating the small stuff".  My mind was cluttered with detail conversations about "stuff" ~ what she did, why he did that, what did that really mean ... and internally feeling like it was "all happening to me" because I just wasn't good enough.  A very familiar pattern of thinking in my life ... a pattern that has now thankfully ended.  Ended because over the last 29 weeks I have worked really hard to understand and make those changes.  

When we create harmony in our own minds and hearts, we find it in our lives.  And sometimes it takes the earth to move, or the rug to be pulled beneath us, or the universe to make us just stop for this to happen.  The signs are always there, but when your head is buried in the details, you miss it.  So if you can, take a moment to just be present, and open yourself up to these signs.  You will know what they are ... if things don't feel right, don't ignore it, act on it now.  Don't wait for a painful defining moment in your life to force you to make those changes.  Trust me, I know. 

 ♥ Heal your past, Live your present, Dream your future ♥

"It Takes Two ..."

"It takes two to make a thing go right

It takes two to make it outta sight
Hit it!

My name is Rob, I gotta real funky concept
Listen up, 'cause I'm gonna keep you in step
I got an idea, That I wanna share
You don't like it? So what, I don't care ..."

~ Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock ~ It Takes Two ~

***

It's saturday morning here and I am feeling so good.  It must be because of yesterday.  You see our band, REWAVE, auditioned yesterday for Canada's Got Talent in Edmonton, Alberta.  We were pretty excited to get a pre-registered time for 1PM on Friday after hearing the crazy wait times for the walk-in talents.  Interesting how it all played out though.  Another friend of ours told us about her son's experience on a couple of days earlier, basically waiting close to 4 hours to audition.  Mainly because you may have a pre-registered time of 1PM, BUT so does another 300 to 400 people.  And you get 90 secs of your BEST to wow the judges.  Plus we had to drive 3 hours to the venue ... you can imagine the planning that went into this.

So Russell and I were up early, I doubled up my green juices and my coffee treatments, packed all my carrot and carrot apple juices, meds, potatoes, and soup and upon arrival at home later that night, would double up on my green juices and coffee treatments again.  A bit of re-arranging, and not recommended, but for one day, and a chance to audition for a $100,000 with my bandmates, it was worth it.  We picked up Joelle and started our journey.  The ride up was full of great conversation, vocal exercises and naps (for moi!).  Once we got there, there was a cattle like maze we had to enter with our pink CGT wrist bands brightly displayed.  And as destiny would have it, Russell met a fellow New Zealander named "Louman but you can call him KIWI".  Super nice guy, full of conversations and stories and another supporter of the All Blacks rugby team.  We stood outside in line for less than an hour and then made our way into the ballroom where yet another lineup for registration awaiting.  

Engaging with other talents around us, it was so easy to spot out the "what sells TV" people.  And yes, we were some of them ... WE were in full costume gear, with color, glo fur, sparkle and bling to attract a few photos and whispers in the crowd.  Plus the big east indian Dhool drum Russell was carrying was sure to get people going.  You see REWAVE is a synth-pop, Diva, old school hip hop band ... but we had to audition acoustically because they had nothing available to us but a powerbar.  And this was all disclosed to us the night before ... being professionals, you improvise .... and you guessed it ... that didn't stop us as once we got to the actual audition room, we did "It Takes Two" acoustically, and it was just awesome!  Our energy was raw, organic and electric, and our little audience was moving and bobbin their heads to the groove.  MissJ layed down the smooth rap vocals, Russell played a tribal rhythm that grooved your soul and I supported the whoo /yeah's background sounds and beat.  Afterwards the producer was excited and eager to view our DVD showcase of our synth-pop performances.  

Our feelings were electric, we were re-charged and basking in the moment we had just created.  We had another 3 hour drive home, but it didn't matter, because it was a chance to move to the next level of stardom.  And if we don't move to the next round of auditions, it doesn't matter, because truly it was an unforgettable experience, once in a lifetime to share with family and friends.  Hit it!

"Pop A Pill .. "

" Well look at this
I see clearly now
Look at this
I can feel it now
Happiness
Is seldom found
Pop the pill"

~ Korn ~ Pop A Pill ~

***

One of the fortunate things of being on the Gerson Therapy is the early mornings.  As odd as that sounds, I get an opportunity to see beautiful sunrises, and honestly they are breathtaking.  This morning when I woke up to take my castor oil, ahem which is not so beautiful, I looked out of our bedroom window and the sky was a blend of orange and pink.  Funny how It reminded me of my favorite sherbert flavour growing up.  How delicious they both are, comforting and calming.  I then looked out of the spare bedroom window and saw a full moon.  It seemed like time was standing still, the streets were quiet, and the air was calm.  I quickly crawled back into bed to squeeze a few more moments of snuggles and comfort before getting on with the regime.

Next comes my usual morning coffee break when count my blessings and set my intentions for the day.  Making my way downstairs to our kitchen, I find Russell listening to the daily news, juicing away and prepping our breakfast ... with a gorgeous smile on his face.  For a brief moment, I take in the present, take in the love.  Ahhh bliss! ..... 

Then I get on with my routine of filling my pill box ... Oiy!! nice why to ruin the mood eh?  Yep, this part of the daily routine is definitely a reminder of the therapy with no if, ands or buts about it.  I open up the cupboard to find fully stocked shelves of pills and capsules and liquids and ... well you get the picture.  I started to think about how many of these are ingest daily and seriously this will make your jaw drop ~ 80.  Yep that is right 8-0.  Crazy eh?  And that doesn't include the liquid meds.  I know this is nuts coming from moi, hippie chick, who didn't take a pill for headache.  Well, first of all they are natural supplements made up of herbs et al so they are not really the typical "medication" you are use to.  No artificial flavours, no synthetic components so take the image of downing a bottle of Tylenol, that is not what this is about.  The funny thing is that this is totally manageable.  Remember this is over the course of an entire day ~ 16 hours.  And the supplements I take are suited to me and my cancer in regards to 

dosage.  "All the medications are designed to support the diet therapy by increasing the energy capacity of the cell and increasing the rate of detoxification'.

So if you are a tad bit curious as to the mini-pharmacy we have here in the Cayzer household, take a look this post from one of my favourite bloggers, someone how inspires me daily and is my friend Jess, The Wellness Warrior.  

Believe me, I was not that crazy about popping so many pills, but once I heard about all the anti-cancer properties, my response was "open up and say ahhhhh".

"Marchin On ..."

"For those doubts that swirl all around us, 
For those lives that tear at the seams, 
We know, We’re not what we’ve seen, 

For those days we felt like a mistake, 
Those times when love’s what you hate, 
Somehow, We keep marching on. "

~ OneRepublic ~ Marchin On ~ 

***

Well, we are into week 20 and "marchin on" with the therapy.  Recently we have had a bit of a change as our days have been busier with Russ's Mum and her husband Ron visiting from New Zealand.  They are staying with us for three weeks during their cross country tour of Canada.  We have good conversation, board and card game nights, visits from friends and just time to relax with each others company.  It has been nice to have that change of the daily routine with family visiting ... allows us a bit of a break from things feeling the same yet different.  

We did go down to the Stampede Grounds on Sunday which was loads of fun.  We had to pack my foods, juices, meds and prep for the "outing" ... sort of like a day pass really ... LOL!  With the sun shining bright, and the day full of humidity and heat, we made our way to see the sights.  You could feel the energy and the excitement ... there were some crazy things for others to try ... donut burgers, deep friend pop tarts, colossal onion rings, mac and cheese pizza, taco in a bag .... and really the list goes on ...just wild!!  Not sure if I was even off the therapy if it would tempt me ... although there is something about the smells that pull you in.  I am sure one of our friends will have a fun story on their food ventures over the 10 day event.

Here's some quick videos Russ took, unknown to me, at the grounds with the marching band passing by and some fireworks at the end of the night ... awesome fun!!!