" Screen … "

I do not know
Why I would go
In front of you
And hide my soul
Cause you're the only one who knows it
Yea you're the only one who knows it

And I will hide behind my pride
To don't know what I think I could lie
Cause there's a screen on my chest
Yea there's a screen on my chest ...

We're broken we're broken we're broken
We're broken people we're broken people ...

I'm standing in front of you
I'm trying to be so cool
Everything together trying to be so cool

~ Screen ~ Twenty One Pilots ~

***

It is just so easy.  Easy to type, easy to hide, easy to stay connected but not visible, easy to respond but not be present.  There are moments I think that my browser may know me better than I know myself.

Think about it ... how many different ways can you connect with someone in your pyjamas?  Setting up the framework I needed to manage my lifestyle, I telecommute ... aka work from home.  I have the ability to meet deadlines, conduct meetings and consult in the comfort of my own surroundings.  My connections are almost always online.  And I know I am not alone.  Many people work in the same manner.

But here is the catch ... there are times you crave that human interaction.  I have gone days if not weeks where I am talking to me, myself and I.  Great company (just kidding) but kind of a one sided conversation if you know what I mean.  

Truthfully ordinary people find comfort in online relationships.  Maybe it is just too easy to get connected ... hmm, maybe we don’t need to know what you are eating for dinner??  The ease of putting up a profile and posturing, inadvertently participating in a popularity contest ... who has the best vacation, who has the flashiest jewellery … And online persona’s allow you to be someone you have always wanted to be or what you think you are on the inside.  Because in every post or chat, we tend to put our best foot forward and therefore deny others who we really are.  

So the question is does virtual communication improve or impair the capacity for good human connection?  We know that relationships and identities are changing thanks to the digital age but do we feel more “in touch” or more “alone”?  

As with many things, balance comes into play.  Finding balance in all aspects of life.  If you find it easier to text a message than to have a personal conversation, ask yourself, what are you afraid of?  Rejection is just as painful when written in words.  

Yes, it sure is about a human experience in a digital age …

" Fear ... "

Morning smiles 

Like the face of a newborn child 

Innocent unknowing 

Winter's end 

Promises of a long lost friend 

Speaks to me of comfort 

But I fear 

I have nothing to give 

I have so much to lose 

Here in this lonely place 

Tangled up in our embrace 

There's nothing I'd like 

Better than to fall 

But I fear I have nothing to give ...

~ Sarah McLachlan ~ Fear ~

***

FEAR ... it can be controlling, it can be paralyzing and it can keep you from living the life of your dreams.  It has only been with my practice of mindfulness I have come to recognize the fear within me and the process of facing it.

I have been sitting in meditation, watching my fears arise and learning to allow them to become part of the stories that make up my life ... I observe them instead of reacting to them.  I have felt how they manifest in my body and move into physical discomfort.  I have have not allowed myself that before and it takes getting use to be in a that space.

Upon reflection, there were certain activities, compulsive and addictive in nature, that kept me in a place of fear.  I would overeat.  I would search the fridge to fill my stomach up and create a fullness in the exact place that fear was beginning to dig a deeper and deeper hole inside of me.  And if that didn’t satisfy, I would sit in the comfiest chair and mindlessly watch re-runs of my favorite shows to vanish into TV land.  Yet probably the most addictive activity is surfing the net.  Hours upon hours of faceless interaction, hiding behind my keyboard and keystrokes ... a few pokes, comments and incessantly checking of my homepage, I would continually stare at a glowing screen as the minutes tick by, unable to disconnect myself from the cyber world and face the fear of being alone with my self-pity and self-hatred.

Consciously taking the role of the observer, I realize most of my fear-based suffering begins by creating stories in my head.  Therefore taking the time to sit, reflect and watch what comes up allows me to choose if I want to be an active participant.  Accept that in order to become more mindful, we must recognize that we are solely responsible for the thoughts our minds produce.  While we can’t stop our minds completely, we can take control over them and create moments of peace for ourselves.

The following technique has helped me when thoughts or fear arise:

• Stop
• Take a long, deep breath in and out
• Next, use all your senses ... feel, smell, touch, see, taste the present moment
• Keep coming back to recognize the breath as it will give you the control you need to stay in the now
• Continue until you feel that the thought or story has moved on or has dissipated

The idea is to take back control of you mind.  And the more you practice, the better you will get in stopping the stories in your head and the pull to distract yourself from all the pain they cause you.  

The more I explore fear the more I realize to overcome it I have to be prepared and willing to redefine myself ... and keep practicing.  No one can do it of me and the more I get use to it, the more naturally it becomes.  With the discomfort and vulnerability comes peace and miraculous solutions as I surrender to the fear and release what no longer serves me ... 

" In Between ... "

Let me apologize to begin with

Let me apologize for what I'm about to say

But trying to be genuine was harder than it seemed

And somehow I got caught up in between

Between my pride and my promise

Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way

The things I want to say to you get lost before they come

The only thing that's worse than one is none

And I cannot explain to you

In anything I say or do or plan

Fear is not afraid of you

Guilt's a language you can understand

I cannot explain to you

In anything I say or do

I hope the actions speak the words they can ...

~ Linkin Park ~ In Between ~

***

There are times on this wellness journey that I just have to “sit in the fire”.  I have to surrender ... to the physical pain, and to the emotional turmoil.  I have talked about some of the healing reactions in the past, and am now experiencing more, yet again.

What hasn’t changed is every single time, my faith is tested.  Actually, my faith is tested every day if I am truly honest.  I have so many moments of not knowing.  Not knowing if this is the beginning of the end.  If this truly is how it is going to be.  If things are ever going to get better.  So I am learning to allow myself to sit in the fire ... surrender and accept what is happening in my life.  Rather than participating in the internal conflict my body is enduring, I realize that resistance is futile.  

Not to be mistaken for giving up ... it is relinquishing ... the fear, the heartache, the sadness.  It is realizing that I may have to let go and let be.  Not a battle, not a fight but a journey.  Yes it is hard, so so hard.  And there are days that I am not sure if I can.  I talk often to Russell about being tired.  So tired.  Just wanting to move on with our lives ... not a strict schedule, planning every hour and every meal.  Just wishing for the flexibility, and the ease of what life was.

Of course I know things could be worse.  Much worse.  And yes there are days that is some consolation.  But when you are sitting in the fire there is discomfort, pain, a sense of loss.  And  I am realizing that my mind is so powerful.  It is waiting for the self-doubt to kick in and BAM! ... it takes over.  Ready to led me down a path of destruction.  It is ready to tell me ... “I told you so” or “who are you kidding”.  It is armed with intense negativity and it is dangerous.

I know I have to work hard with balance ... with negative comes the positive, with the darkness comes the light.  I have to go back and remember in all the fires I have sat in, all the challenges and fears I have faced.  Acknowledging the incredible discomfort, yet getting through it.  I managed and survived.  

What is true is that in my experience of being with those feelings, identifying the thoughts that are creating the feelings and loving them is how it eases.  My present thoughts pave my future.  Life continually presents me with opportunities to dive in again and again, and to believe that the truth really is kinder than any story I have about it ... 

the past is where you learned the lesson ...

the future is where you apply the lesson ... 

just remember not to give up in the middle ॐ

" With or Without You ... "

Through the storm we reach the shore

You give it all but I want more

And I'm waiting for you ...

And you give yourself away

And you give yourself away ...

My hands are tied

My body bruised

she's got me with

Nothing to win

Nothing left to lose

With or without you

With or without you

I can't live

With or without you

~ U2 ~ With or Without You ~

***

Yesterday I was blessed to speak with a dear friend of ours.  Charlie.  Russell and I met Charlie and his wife Mary Alice at the clinic last year.  And although it was brief, we shared a great deal with each other and have remained friends ever since.  It is nice knowing I can reach out to others, whom are on the Gerson Therapy, when I really need to.  Yesterday, I was one of those days.

Our conversation was full of many topics and one of them was about fear.  I shared with Charlie the emotional roller coaster I have been experiencing for the past few months.  Mainly triggered by physical healing reactions.  We both agreed that fear has only one purpose ... to debilitate you.  As I continue to share, Charlie keenly listened and then asked me a very direct question ... “what are you afraid of?”.  I really had to think about it.  What AM I afraid of?  I proceeded to answer in a round about way but finally quietly answered ... I am afraid to die.  You see, not many people talk openly about death.  And why would they ... are we not told if we focus on something it will happen?  But the reality is that if we face our fears, maybe we can work through them.  It is not as if I am inviting the concept ... I just plainly stated my fear around it.

Later in the day, I told Russell about my conversation ... and my fear.  Through heavy tears, I told him I feared getting worse not better, I feared becoming completely physically dependent, I feared the disappointment, suffering and pain I would cause him and my family if things didn’t work out.

Calmly, Russell talked to me about my spiritual beliefs around reincarnation ... he reminded me about my strong faith, and how it has carried me through this part of my journey.  Then he asked me to stop worrying about everyone else.  He asked me to focus on what I could do, in this life, for me.  He asked me to continue to share my gifts, my best.  He asked me to continue to live this life with him and enjoy what we have been blessed with.  He gave me perspective.  Perspective I needed.

Sometimes you need a bit more help than affirmations and meditations.  When you just need the allowance to admit your feelings, instead of ignoring them.  You cannot heal what you won’t confront.  I believe earthly angels come into our lives with a purpose ... perhaps to love and guide us when we lose our way, reminding us of the goodness we posses.  

The load feels a bit lighter today, thanks to Charlie and Russell.   

" Shake, Rattle and Roll ... "

I get over the hill and way down underneath
I get over the hill and way down underneath
You make me roll my eyes, even make me grit my teeth
I said shake, rattle and roll, shake, rattle and roll
Shake, rattle and roll, shake, rattle and roll
Well, you won't do nothin' to save your doggone soul
Shake, rattle and roll!

~ Bill Haley ~ Shake, Rattle and Roll ~

***

Last week was a challenging one ... I had another diagnostic test followed with routine labwork done ... and then a review my results with my family doctor.  The good news my lump is smaller by 35% and my lab work is great.  Yet my doctor had an associate in the room and both expressed their “concern”.  Without getting into details, I received pressure to follow the aggressive treatment plan presented here a year ago.  They basically don’t believe in my treatment, it’s been over a year, and I think they feel that it is taking to long and time is of the essence.  

So I heard the same words and got the same looks.  

And it shook and rattle me to my core, AGAIN.

I thought I was stronger than this ... so it has brought up loads of negative emotions.  Enormous fear and intense sadness followed.  I told Russell I haven’t felt like this since my diagnosis back in February of last year.  And then anger ... how could I let this affect me, I thought I was stronger than this ... and then exhaustion.  I am tired.  Tired of the looks that I am crazy, tired of the pity, tired of the disbelief, tired of the lack of recognition that I truly am in a treatment ... once again, I felt like I had to justify my position by flying my Gerson flag.

And if I am being completely honest, I had expectations walking into the docs office.  I was expecting my doctors to be elated.  I was expecting a pat on the back.  “Good Job girl!”  So I was ill-prepared to deal with the reaction.  And it fed my fears.  You know that little voice inside of us, that little voice of doubt ... it got louder and louder and I started asking myself, am I doing the right thing?  am I crazy? am I off the mark here? am I going to die?

Thankfully I have amazing family and friends in my life ... guiding me as I lose my way.  And I sure did lose my way.  

So where am I today ... well, I am still on the Gerson Therapy - Month 15.  And I realize that I was looking for confirmation from places I won’t get it ... I need to continue to align myself with a medical team that takes the time to understand my treatment and then guide me on my current journey.  My Gerson doctors continue to be fully onboard ... monitoring and adjusting my treatment based on my results.  

I thought it was interesting that I had to re-read some of my blog entries just to get through some very troubling moments this past week ... and I recognize that I will have to continue to deal with the eternal conflict between my head filled with fear and my heart filled with love.  

The greatest mistake you can make in life 

... is to be continually fearing you will make one 

~ Elbert Hubbard

" Willing and Able..."

Said I'm willin' and I'm able 

I'm ready 2 place my cards on the table  

I been holdin' back this feeling 4 far 2 long 

And now that I'm willin'  It's a fact ?

it's truly mighty strong ...

Oh Lord, I'm willin', willin', able (Willin', able) 

I wanna dance and sing, somebody watch me do my thing...

~ Prince ~ Willing and Able ~

***

The other day I was having a conversation with an individual from the oil and gas industry, where I have spent the majority of my working career.  I found myself telling them that I have been on “dis-ability” for the last year ... immediately they responded with “I am sorry to hear this”, for which I replied “oh no that’s okay”.  

As solemn as they were, I was the opposite.  My upbeat, positive expression stemmed from all the that I have gained from my illness experience.  Good things always come out of bad.  Along with the valuable lessons I have shared, my cancer diagnosis is an “ability” or “this-ability” and not a “dis-ability”.  

Cancer has given me the ability to re-address what matters in my life.  It has shown me my husbands true unconditional love.  It has given me the opportunity to improve my relationship with my family.  It has helped me appreciate life and the beauty around me.  It has allowed me to learn and grow as an individual.  It has helped me face my fears.  It has allowed me to find acceptance, courage and strength I didn’t know I had.  It has given me new confidence.  It has helped me further build character.  It has made me grateful for every day.  It has increased my faith in a Higher Power.  It has given me the ability to enjoy a break from working.  It has given me the push I need to do the things I had been putting off.  It has made me not waste time.  It has allowed me to see things with more clarity for what they really are.  It has aligned me with the right people in my life ... blessings.

We are all one day closer to dying, yet the difference is that someone in their great wisdom has given me an expiry date.  So it begs to differ, is better to know when and how or is ignorance bliss?  If you knew your expiry date and more importantly believed it, would you do things differently?  Would you be willing and able?

Prior to my diagnosis, I was reluctantly living my life, easily accepting defeat, and believing that I was unable to be whom I wanted to be.  Looking back, that was when I was living a real “dis-abled” life. Now more than ever, I am ready, willing and able.

“Dis-ease is solely and purely corrective; it is neither vindictive nor cruel, but it is the means adopted by our own souls to point out to us our faults, to prevent our making greater errors, to hinder us from doing more harm, and to bring us back to the path of Truth and Light from which we should never have strayed.” 

~ Edward Bach, creator of Bach Flower remedies