" Support ... "

It feels like a while since I wrote a post.  That’s not to say I haven’t been writing as I am working on my personal story.  I started this a long time ago, but had to many triggers that were allowing me just put it away for another day.  But now, through my writing, a great deal of insights are appearing.  I am grateful for the realization that life truly is love.

Love.  How we express in many different ways.  One way is Support.  Supporting others when in need.  I have been so fortunate to have my family and friends that have been on this journey with me.  Their constant love, guidance and compassion is present and consistent.  And regardless of whatever is going on, they are familia.

Present and consistent.  We find ourselves helping others, altruistically.  No strings attached, yet deep down inside hoping that if we find ourselves facing a challenge, they may extend the same.  Yet, life goes on and things happen and people forget.  They forget the promise, when they are over the moon grateful how you have helped them.  So whose issue is it?  But wait … I ask myself, maybe MY actions weren’t altruistic after all.  

Because if they were, it really wouldn’t matter if it was reciprocated.

An interesting space to be in as I have been struggling with my own health.  Trying to sort whether it is a the flu, an infection or something that requires more attention.  But whatever it may be, that present and consistent support from those who haven’t given up on me, I am forever grateful.

When we fall ill, it is so easy to start running an unhealthy internal dialogue … I have found myself very tired.  Tired of dealing with all that is involved with this dis-ease.  I have found myself wanting to give up, but how can I when others haven’t given up on me?  I have found myself angry. Angry at reality.  I have found myself thinking life is passing me by.

So here today, with more insights and realizations … it is up to me.  To honour what I speak, what I advocate. Believing that anything is possible and miracles do happen.  Trusting in the unknown.  And walking the talk of all the previous blog posts I have written.  I thought I was, at least my ego kept telling me.  But somewhere in the subject matter of cancer, I wasn’t listening to my inner guidance.  

Support is available always, if we just look.  And by forgiving and lovingly releasing the past, others can step in and help. There is no baggage, drama, or unresolved feelings.  It is just a loving presence when it is so needed.  

Forced to slow down and just be has been a blessing in some way.  I don’t wish the pain and discomfort but when you slow down, things don’t seem as they might have at one time.  And so I am grateful for the realization that life is love … anything else is meaningless. 

www.walkstrong.ca

" Shake, Rattle and Roll ... "

I get over the hill and way down underneath
I get over the hill and way down underneath
You make me roll my eyes, even make me grit my teeth
I said shake, rattle and roll, shake, rattle and roll
Shake, rattle and roll, shake, rattle and roll
Well, you won't do nothin' to save your doggone soul
Shake, rattle and roll!

~ Bill Haley ~ Shake, Rattle and Roll ~

***

Last week was a challenging one ... I had another diagnostic test followed with routine labwork done ... and then a review my results with my family doctor.  The good news my lump is smaller by 35% and my lab work is great.  Yet my doctor had an associate in the room and both expressed their “concern”.  Without getting into details, I received pressure to follow the aggressive treatment plan presented here a year ago.  They basically don’t believe in my treatment, it’s been over a year, and I think they feel that it is taking to long and time is of the essence.  

So I heard the same words and got the same looks.  

And it shook and rattle me to my core, AGAIN.

I thought I was stronger than this ... so it has brought up loads of negative emotions.  Enormous fear and intense sadness followed.  I told Russell I haven’t felt like this since my diagnosis back in February of last year.  And then anger ... how could I let this affect me, I thought I was stronger than this ... and then exhaustion.  I am tired.  Tired of the looks that I am crazy, tired of the pity, tired of the disbelief, tired of the lack of recognition that I truly am in a treatment ... once again, I felt like I had to justify my position by flying my Gerson flag.

And if I am being completely honest, I had expectations walking into the docs office.  I was expecting my doctors to be elated.  I was expecting a pat on the back.  “Good Job girl!”  So I was ill-prepared to deal with the reaction.  And it fed my fears.  You know that little voice inside of us, that little voice of doubt ... it got louder and louder and I started asking myself, am I doing the right thing?  am I crazy? am I off the mark here? am I going to die?

Thankfully I have amazing family and friends in my life ... guiding me as I lose my way.  And I sure did lose my way.  

So where am I today ... well, I am still on the Gerson Therapy - Month 15.  And I realize that I was looking for confirmation from places I won’t get it ... I need to continue to align myself with a medical team that takes the time to understand my treatment and then guide me on my current journey.  My Gerson doctors continue to be fully onboard ... monitoring and adjusting my treatment based on my results.  

I thought it was interesting that I had to re-read some of my blog entries just to get through some very troubling moments this past week ... and I recognize that I will have to continue to deal with the eternal conflict between my head filled with fear and my heart filled with love.  

The greatest mistake you can make in life 

... is to be continually fearing you will make one 

~ Elbert Hubbard