" Competition ... "

She's got no idea where you've been

No idea what you've been doin'

You've been living dangerous

You're trying to keep it just our secret ..

You better learn to be discreet

If you wanna keep it just our secret ...

Goodness I like this

It's risky business ...

That you never knew existed

You try to keep it secret

You can try and try to keep it ...

She's the competition ...

~ Dragnette ~ Competition ~

***

We seem to be surrounded by competition in our life.  The addiction to the energetic reaction that you are beating or could beat another person within a specific activity.  

But does that apply to “healing” as well?  Sadly, yes, that is what I have experienced.  It doesn’t make sense, I didn’t think it was possible ... I thought it was about sharing and caring ... instead it was others judging according to how they think they are being judged ... “I know better, I know best” ... a far cry from a space of healing for me ... my journey, my judgement.

You see the basic principle as to why we compete is to experience what we believe is victory over another.  Yet, it is within you, in your mind, your ego that generates a response ... because there is no universal recognition blessing you with gratification.

Isn’t it really about the craving of recognition, 

love and acceptance?  

Aren’t we hoping to receive the gold stars 

that are handed out in life?

Sadly we when we crave something, we create an energy around us of desperation and neediness, pushing away the very thing that we crave.  I have learned to release all attachments to a particular outcome in order for the very thing to come into my life.

Now what if we don’t compete anymore?  Could we un-limit ourselves to activities that give us sufficient ground for competing.  Will we try things we have never done before simply because we will no longer be directed by the mind, telling us which activities to follow?  Perhaps there would be no more judgement of self because there is no right or wrong.  Perhaps all would be from the starting point of self-enjoyment and self-movement.

So why not fully express ourselves here in the physical reality, unconditionally and within this allow and support each other to do the same, so that there is no harm done in thought or deed towards ourselves and others?

For me, life is not a competition or race anymore.  You see when I can be sincerely excited about the accomplishments of my peers, I seem to find that my life goes more smoothly ... because when I feel that someone doesn’t deserve their happiness, or that I am more deserving, then I am operating from a place of false pride and ignorance.

My journey ... I believe that we all deserve happiness and we all define our life by our own criteria.  I believe we can choose our state of mind and it has nothing to do with outside events.  I believe we are in charge of our life, attitude and perception.  I believe life is good when you claim it good ... my judgement.

" Shake, Rattle and Roll ... "

I get over the hill and way down underneath
I get over the hill and way down underneath
You make me roll my eyes, even make me grit my teeth
I said shake, rattle and roll, shake, rattle and roll
Shake, rattle and roll, shake, rattle and roll
Well, you won't do nothin' to save your doggone soul
Shake, rattle and roll!

~ Bill Haley ~ Shake, Rattle and Roll ~

***

Last week was a challenging one ... I had another diagnostic test followed with routine labwork done ... and then a review my results with my family doctor.  The good news my lump is smaller by 35% and my lab work is great.  Yet my doctor had an associate in the room and both expressed their “concern”.  Without getting into details, I received pressure to follow the aggressive treatment plan presented here a year ago.  They basically don’t believe in my treatment, it’s been over a year, and I think they feel that it is taking to long and time is of the essence.  

So I heard the same words and got the same looks.  

And it shook and rattle me to my core, AGAIN.

I thought I was stronger than this ... so it has brought up loads of negative emotions.  Enormous fear and intense sadness followed.  I told Russell I haven’t felt like this since my diagnosis back in February of last year.  And then anger ... how could I let this affect me, I thought I was stronger than this ... and then exhaustion.  I am tired.  Tired of the looks that I am crazy, tired of the pity, tired of the disbelief, tired of the lack of recognition that I truly am in a treatment ... once again, I felt like I had to justify my position by flying my Gerson flag.

And if I am being completely honest, I had expectations walking into the docs office.  I was expecting my doctors to be elated.  I was expecting a pat on the back.  “Good Job girl!”  So I was ill-prepared to deal with the reaction.  And it fed my fears.  You know that little voice inside of us, that little voice of doubt ... it got louder and louder and I started asking myself, am I doing the right thing?  am I crazy? am I off the mark here? am I going to die?

Thankfully I have amazing family and friends in my life ... guiding me as I lose my way.  And I sure did lose my way.  

So where am I today ... well, I am still on the Gerson Therapy - Month 15.  And I realize that I was looking for confirmation from places I won’t get it ... I need to continue to align myself with a medical team that takes the time to understand my treatment and then guide me on my current journey.  My Gerson doctors continue to be fully onboard ... monitoring and adjusting my treatment based on my results.  

I thought it was interesting that I had to re-read some of my blog entries just to get through some very troubling moments this past week ... and I recognize that I will have to continue to deal with the eternal conflict between my head filled with fear and my heart filled with love.  

The greatest mistake you can make in life 

... is to be continually fearing you will make one 

~ Elbert Hubbard