" Fear ... "

Morning smiles 

Like the face of a newborn child 

Innocent unknowing 

Winter's end 

Promises of a long lost friend 

Speaks to me of comfort 

But I fear 

I have nothing to give 

I have so much to lose 

Here in this lonely place 

Tangled up in our embrace 

There's nothing I'd like 

Better than to fall 

But I fear I have nothing to give ...

~ Sarah McLachlan ~ Fear ~

***

FEAR ... it can be controlling, it can be paralyzing and it can keep you from living the life of your dreams.  It has only been with my practice of mindfulness I have come to recognize the fear within me and the process of facing it.

I have been sitting in meditation, watching my fears arise and learning to allow them to become part of the stories that make up my life ... I observe them instead of reacting to them.  I have felt how they manifest in my body and move into physical discomfort.  I have have not allowed myself that before and it takes getting use to be in a that space.

Upon reflection, there were certain activities, compulsive and addictive in nature, that kept me in a place of fear.  I would overeat.  I would search the fridge to fill my stomach up and create a fullness in the exact place that fear was beginning to dig a deeper and deeper hole inside of me.  And if that didn’t satisfy, I would sit in the comfiest chair and mindlessly watch re-runs of my favorite shows to vanish into TV land.  Yet probably the most addictive activity is surfing the net.  Hours upon hours of faceless interaction, hiding behind my keyboard and keystrokes ... a few pokes, comments and incessantly checking of my homepage, I would continually stare at a glowing screen as the minutes tick by, unable to disconnect myself from the cyber world and face the fear of being alone with my self-pity and self-hatred.

Consciously taking the role of the observer, I realize most of my fear-based suffering begins by creating stories in my head.  Therefore taking the time to sit, reflect and watch what comes up allows me to choose if I want to be an active participant.  Accept that in order to become more mindful, we must recognize that we are solely responsible for the thoughts our minds produce.  While we can’t stop our minds completely, we can take control over them and create moments of peace for ourselves.

The following technique has helped me when thoughts or fear arise:

• Stop
• Take a long, deep breath in and out
• Next, use all your senses ... feel, smell, touch, see, taste the present moment
• Keep coming back to recognize the breath as it will give you the control you need to stay in the now
• Continue until you feel that the thought or story has moved on or has dissipated

The idea is to take back control of you mind.  And the more you practice, the better you will get in stopping the stories in your head and the pull to distract yourself from all the pain they cause you.  

The more I explore fear the more I realize to overcome it I have to be prepared and willing to redefine myself ... and keep practicing.  No one can do it of me and the more I get use to it, the more naturally it becomes.  With the discomfort and vulnerability comes peace and miraculous solutions as I surrender to the fear and release what no longer serves me ... 

" Fading Away ... "

If I can't see what's in front of me
It's a mystery
Well than apparently

Things just ain't the same ...
Can't you see that your fading
And I finally realized ...
You're fading away

~ Rihanna ~ Fading Away ~

***

I read something powerful today ... “Running away from any problem only increases the distance from the solution ... the easiest way to escape from a problem is to solve it.”

Right ... now who is going to voluntarily sign up for conflict?  Well I guess if we view a problem  as measurable milestones than it isn’t the monumental tasks it originally appears to be?

Believing that almost all challenges and problems can be overcome is the key ... and then comes determination, focus, discipline, execution and ... patience.  Yet most people have problems with conflict and will avoid disagreements at all costs.  And the issue is that never talking things through and resolving differences is also unhealthy for other relationships.

... becoming flooded with conflict and prone to struggle with how to remain in difficult conversations in calm and productive ways ...

Scenario 1: some people directly refuse to discuss an issue and will use comments like “You are being unreasonable and I refuse to talk with you about this” or “We never get anywhere when we argue and I am not going to talk anymore.”

Scenario 2: Other people might actually leave the room or leave the conversation emotionally and it is clear that the conversation is one-sided. 

... avoiding a lengthy give-and-take conversation does not lead to “buying in” to a decision ...

It is easy to imagine that it will take too long to solve a situation/problem and go into an experience of helplessness and gloom.  But realizing that this is self manipulation to not take responsibility and face your reality.  You know the decisions that lead to a prompt leave from responsibility ... direct yourself to seek a way out ... creating a point of easy way out by finding excuses of what you need to do, a distraction from what you could give energy to.

So stop and breathe ... and believe that resolution is possible.  And be selfish about it ... it is better for you to confront so you can heal.  You don’t want to be swallowed up by your own bitterness or sense of injustice.  Because if you are unforgiving, you may subconsciously bring left over negative emotions into new experiences, you may lose joy in the present moment, you may feel your life lacks meaning or purpose.

Forgiveness is a doorway for change.  

And think about a time when you were in their situation ... 

practice empathy.

Begin by reflecting on facts of the situation, how you've reacted, and how this combination has affected your life, health and well-being.  Then when you are ready, actively choose to forgive the person who offended you.  The key is to move away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life.  Letting go of grudges gives you the allowance to no longer define your life by how you’ve been hurt, rather by who you truly are.