" Judge Not ... "

Don't you look at me so smug

And say I'm going bad

Who are you to judge me

And the life that I live?

I know that I'm not perfect

And that I don't claim to be

So before you point your fingers

Be sure your hands are clean

Judge not

Before you judge yourself

Judge not

If you're not ready for judgement-Whoa oh oh!

~ Bob Marley ~ Judge Not ~ 

***

We all do it.  Every one of us.  We tell ourselves that we don’t want to and maybe we don’t really mean to.  But we do.  We judge people ... especially when someone keeps on doing the same annoying thing day after day.  We point out their faults and therefore judge.

To promise we won’t, In practice, it is easier said than done, yet if we honestly monitor our minds, we realize how difficult or even impossible it may be to judge nothing that occurs.  

So what is it about judging that makes it so hard to let go of?

Considering that to judge, drains our energy, is debilitating and makes us tired ... why do we feel compelled to pronounce our judgement and correct the errors of the world around us?  

Perhaps conflict and judgement are connected, and our conflict with authority is the source of all our judgements.  First, consider the authority figures in our lives ... boss, parents, teachers, etc ... then determine how we feel about them.  If they express an opinion that affects us and carries some weight with us, they can be considered an authority figure.  And depending on if we respect, fear, admire, resist or resent them, directly affects how much we value their opinion.

Oh and of course, we inadvertently learn from them too.  If their opinion matters, when they judge us, we judge us.  Then we issue our proclamation, and determine the true nature of reality ... 

but is reality truly up to us?  

So we continue the cycle and ultimately we judge others because we want to.  It establishes us as superior and validates our independent authority.  Just as previously done to us.  Basically, it builds up our ego by allowing us to perceive differences.  Allowing us to maintain our place as the ultimate authority.  We evaluate to justify our own autonomy and feel we must judge against all competitors.  We play the judgement game ... but how is our rule better than others? 

Instead, prior to judging, maybe we could ask ourselves  “Am I choosing not to know him?”.  Maybe we can chose to know the true worth of others instead of perceiving wrong in them.  

Isn’t it our choice of judgement that causes our perception? 

Realize that when you judge you are trying to be the author of reality.  Judgement imprisons you by making you into something you are not.  Striving for a peaceful existence, you can live this simply by knowing who you are ... the freedom of total acceptance just as you are, as you are in reality.

" Shake, Rattle and Roll ... "

I get over the hill and way down underneath
I get over the hill and way down underneath
You make me roll my eyes, even make me grit my teeth
I said shake, rattle and roll, shake, rattle and roll
Shake, rattle and roll, shake, rattle and roll
Well, you won't do nothin' to save your doggone soul
Shake, rattle and roll!

~ Bill Haley ~ Shake, Rattle and Roll ~

***

Last week was a challenging one ... I had another diagnostic test followed with routine labwork done ... and then a review my results with my family doctor.  The good news my lump is smaller by 35% and my lab work is great.  Yet my doctor had an associate in the room and both expressed their “concern”.  Without getting into details, I received pressure to follow the aggressive treatment plan presented here a year ago.  They basically don’t believe in my treatment, it’s been over a year, and I think they feel that it is taking to long and time is of the essence.  

So I heard the same words and got the same looks.  

And it shook and rattle me to my core, AGAIN.

I thought I was stronger than this ... so it has brought up loads of negative emotions.  Enormous fear and intense sadness followed.  I told Russell I haven’t felt like this since my diagnosis back in February of last year.  And then anger ... how could I let this affect me, I thought I was stronger than this ... and then exhaustion.  I am tired.  Tired of the looks that I am crazy, tired of the pity, tired of the disbelief, tired of the lack of recognition that I truly am in a treatment ... once again, I felt like I had to justify my position by flying my Gerson flag.

And if I am being completely honest, I had expectations walking into the docs office.  I was expecting my doctors to be elated.  I was expecting a pat on the back.  “Good Job girl!”  So I was ill-prepared to deal with the reaction.  And it fed my fears.  You know that little voice inside of us, that little voice of doubt ... it got louder and louder and I started asking myself, am I doing the right thing?  am I crazy? am I off the mark here? am I going to die?

Thankfully I have amazing family and friends in my life ... guiding me as I lose my way.  And I sure did lose my way.  

So where am I today ... well, I am still on the Gerson Therapy - Month 15.  And I realize that I was looking for confirmation from places I won’t get it ... I need to continue to align myself with a medical team that takes the time to understand my treatment and then guide me on my current journey.  My Gerson doctors continue to be fully onboard ... monitoring and adjusting my treatment based on my results.  

I thought it was interesting that I had to re-read some of my blog entries just to get through some very troubling moments this past week ... and I recognize that I will have to continue to deal with the eternal conflict between my head filled with fear and my heart filled with love.  

The greatest mistake you can make in life 

... is to be continually fearing you will make one 

~ Elbert Hubbard