" Closure ... "

Give me closure

Searching for solace

Closure - am I still lost? 

And so you've forgotten me ...

For these lifetimes gone by

I can't help question why

Through the years denied this

Tears gone uncried

Torrid inside

And no face to relate to names to reply

Especially when the memories

Cut like a knife

Left with just pages to which I confide

~ Divine Heresy ~ Closure ~

***

Closure ... having to severe the energetic cord that once connected you to another.  I read that “this unbroken cord may leave an open channel between you and another, through which emotions and energy can continue to flow” (Daily OM).

Not knowing how to put a proper end to a relationship can influence any healthy relationship planned in the future.  It is like having an “open account” ... which is when you are afraid of truly letting someone go because you always want to have that access, afraid you might miss out.

Sadly some relationships evolve from mutually supportive and life-giving bonds to unhealthy scenarios.  Endings that are abrupt or subtle, via e-mail, phone or in person, with words or silence ... all need to be mourned and processed.  It still hurts and deserves closure and peace, especially if there was no real good-bye.

So when you are ready, cutting this “cord” can help you rid of old baggage, unnecessary attachments and release you from connections that no longer serve you.  

Start with acceptance and adjustment.  You have to come to the realization that it is over.  Respect the time spent and accept the fact that this chapter of your life has now come to and end.

Next, identify with what the experience has taught you instead of dwelling on the pain.  Visualize all the benefits and be proud of yourself.  Pat yourself on the back for having the courage to work through it and tell yourself that your future is so much better than your past.

Finding and cutting unwanted “cords” can be a gentle process.   Just start to believe that you are not severing a relationship, but you are severing the connection that is no longer serving you both.  You are setting yourself and others free from the ties that bind.

You see, closure looks forward by letting go and moving on.  That is what closure gives us.  We may have gone through the grieving process but still not have the closure we need.  By recognizing, accepting, understanding, integrating and practicing gratitude, we can come full circle to experience closure.

Closure helps it all make sense. It turns something seemingly broken into something useful, purposeful, and lovely.  A different perspective, a lesson learned, a new beginning ...

" Shake, Rattle and Roll ... "

I get over the hill and way down underneath
I get over the hill and way down underneath
You make me roll my eyes, even make me grit my teeth
I said shake, rattle and roll, shake, rattle and roll
Shake, rattle and roll, shake, rattle and roll
Well, you won't do nothin' to save your doggone soul
Shake, rattle and roll!

~ Bill Haley ~ Shake, Rattle and Roll ~

***

Last week was a challenging one ... I had another diagnostic test followed with routine labwork done ... and then a review my results with my family doctor.  The good news my lump is smaller by 35% and my lab work is great.  Yet my doctor had an associate in the room and both expressed their “concern”.  Without getting into details, I received pressure to follow the aggressive treatment plan presented here a year ago.  They basically don’t believe in my treatment, it’s been over a year, and I think they feel that it is taking to long and time is of the essence.  

So I heard the same words and got the same looks.  

And it shook and rattle me to my core, AGAIN.

I thought I was stronger than this ... so it has brought up loads of negative emotions.  Enormous fear and intense sadness followed.  I told Russell I haven’t felt like this since my diagnosis back in February of last year.  And then anger ... how could I let this affect me, I thought I was stronger than this ... and then exhaustion.  I am tired.  Tired of the looks that I am crazy, tired of the pity, tired of the disbelief, tired of the lack of recognition that I truly am in a treatment ... once again, I felt like I had to justify my position by flying my Gerson flag.

And if I am being completely honest, I had expectations walking into the docs office.  I was expecting my doctors to be elated.  I was expecting a pat on the back.  “Good Job girl!”  So I was ill-prepared to deal with the reaction.  And it fed my fears.  You know that little voice inside of us, that little voice of doubt ... it got louder and louder and I started asking myself, am I doing the right thing?  am I crazy? am I off the mark here? am I going to die?

Thankfully I have amazing family and friends in my life ... guiding me as I lose my way.  And I sure did lose my way.  

So where am I today ... well, I am still on the Gerson Therapy - Month 15.  And I realize that I was looking for confirmation from places I won’t get it ... I need to continue to align myself with a medical team that takes the time to understand my treatment and then guide me on my current journey.  My Gerson doctors continue to be fully onboard ... monitoring and adjusting my treatment based on my results.  

I thought it was interesting that I had to re-read some of my blog entries just to get through some very troubling moments this past week ... and I recognize that I will have to continue to deal with the eternal conflict between my head filled with fear and my heart filled with love.  

The greatest mistake you can make in life 

... is to be continually fearing you will make one 

~ Elbert Hubbard