" In Between ... "

Let me apologize to begin with

Let me apologize for what I'm about to say

But trying to be genuine was harder than it seemed

And somehow I got caught up in between

Between my pride and my promise

Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way

The things I want to say to you get lost before they come

The only thing that's worse than one is none

And I cannot explain to you

In anything I say or do or plan

Fear is not afraid of you

Guilt's a language you can understand

I cannot explain to you

In anything I say or do

I hope the actions speak the words they can ...

~ Linkin Park ~ In Between ~

***

There are times on this wellness journey that I just have to “sit in the fire”.  I have to surrender ... to the physical pain, and to the emotional turmoil.  I have talked about some of the healing reactions in the past, and am now experiencing more, yet again.

What hasn’t changed is every single time, my faith is tested.  Actually, my faith is tested every day if I am truly honest.  I have so many moments of not knowing.  Not knowing if this is the beginning of the end.  If this truly is how it is going to be.  If things are ever going to get better.  So I am learning to allow myself to sit in the fire ... surrender and accept what is happening in my life.  Rather than participating in the internal conflict my body is enduring, I realize that resistance is futile.  

Not to be mistaken for giving up ... it is relinquishing ... the fear, the heartache, the sadness.  It is realizing that I may have to let go and let be.  Not a battle, not a fight but a journey.  Yes it is hard, so so hard.  And there are days that I am not sure if I can.  I talk often to Russell about being tired.  So tired.  Just wanting to move on with our lives ... not a strict schedule, planning every hour and every meal.  Just wishing for the flexibility, and the ease of what life was.

Of course I know things could be worse.  Much worse.  And yes there are days that is some consolation.  But when you are sitting in the fire there is discomfort, pain, a sense of loss.  And  I am realizing that my mind is so powerful.  It is waiting for the self-doubt to kick in and BAM! ... it takes over.  Ready to led me down a path of destruction.  It is ready to tell me ... “I told you so” or “who are you kidding”.  It is armed with intense negativity and it is dangerous.

I know I have to work hard with balance ... with negative comes the positive, with the darkness comes the light.  I have to go back and remember in all the fires I have sat in, all the challenges and fears I have faced.  Acknowledging the incredible discomfort, yet getting through it.  I managed and survived.  

What is true is that in my experience of being with those feelings, identifying the thoughts that are creating the feelings and loving them is how it eases.  My present thoughts pave my future.  Life continually presents me with opportunities to dive in again and again, and to believe that the truth really is kinder than any story I have about it ... 

the past is where you learned the lesson ...

the future is where you apply the lesson ... 

just remember not to give up in the middle ॐ